A/N: This is taking the flashback Sam had in Season 11, Episode 8, Just My Imagination and explores what would have happened if things went differently. Sam is nine at this time and has an imaginary friend named Sully who is a Zanna. This is just a short that was bouncing around in my head and I wanted to see what I could do with it. I hope you enjoy it and please feel free to leave a review of what you think. I do like feedback. NC

Disclaimer: I do not own SPN and this is my own creation.

Ever Think...

Sam has been left alone again in a motel room while Dean and their Dad are on a hunting trip. He begged Dean to ask their Dad if he can go too, but he said no. This upset Sam with being left behind once again and he turned to his imaginary friend, Sully, for comfort and friendship.

"Ok, I got one..." nine year old Sam asked his best friend Sully as they each laid on a bed with their heads hanging over the edge looking at each other.

"Hit me." Sully replied smiling happily at Sam waiting for him to continue the game. Sully was a Zanna, an imaginary friend to kids who are lonely or just need someone to help them through hard times.

"Ever think you can fly?" Sam asked.

"Sometimes, like on really windy days. You?"

"I use to, but I broke my arm." Sam laughed as Sully laughed with him. "Your turn."

"Ever think you can eat ten waffles in one sitting?"

"I hope so when I'm big...Can you?"

"I tried once...Blaaa..." Sully said pretending to throw up before sitting up. "Head rush!"

Sam giggles pushing himself up and sitting cross legged on the bed. He bites his lower lips and looks at Sully not sure if he should ask the next question but does.

"Ever think...About running away?"

"From you...No way!"

"No, I mean from here...All of this...The hunting life."

"Do you?"

Sam didn't answer just nodded his head yes.

"Ever think...Maybe you wanna go tot school and make some friends?"

"Well I have you."

"Yeah you do, but one day you won't. San I want you to listen to me. You can be whatever you want to be. You're not Dean. You're not your Dad. You're Sam...Sam's so awesome!"

"Can you imagine running away? My Dad would kill you!"

"It's your choice Sam. It's your life. It's all up to you."

"Ok."

"Ok?" Sully questions.

"Let's go..."

spn

"Hey Sammy!" Dean called as he opened the door of the motel room. "We got pizza and I got you some rabbit food." Dean continued walking on into the room carry a pizza box and food bag. "Sammy?" Dean called again looking around the empty room when he didn't get a response from his brother. He stepped to the bathroom looking inside to find it empty too. "Dad, Sammy's not here."

"Whadda mean he's not here?" John asked as he stepped into the room looking around.

"I'll go check outside."

"I told him not to leave this room." John growled. "He knows better than to disobey me."

"Maybe he wanted a soda or something." Dean mumbled heading back out the door to check around the motel. He knew there was a park just up the street he was going to check too. No one knew Sammy better than he did, not even Sammy himself. He knew it didn't matter what Dad said, if Sammy wanted to go out, he would. Dean headed toward the drink machine and continued on around the motel scanning the area carefully for his brother. He wasn't gonna panic yet until he was sure there was something to panic about.

"I didn't see him anywhere on the other side." John said meeting him near the front.

"I'm gonna go check out that park just down the street."

"I'll walk over to the diner and see if he's been in there."

"Meet ya back at the room." Dean nodded turning to head down the street.

John walked in the other direction toward the road that ran in front of the motel and jogged across the street to the diner. He went inside and looked around first checking for Sam before stopping the waitresses to see if they had seen him. None had any information on Sam so he headed back to the motel to meet up with Dean. He was trying to decide what they should do next, whether to pack up and keep searching or stay one more night in hopes Sam would come back.

spn

"Did you find out anything?" Dean asked when he came back through the door.

"No, no one has seen him."

"I told you we should of took him with us even if you made him stay in the car." Dean spat at his father in anger.

"You're staying here while I take the Impala and go look for him." John ordered ignoring what his son had said to him.

"I'm coming too." he insisted trying to stand up to his father.

"No! You're not. You'll do what I tell you." John demanded glaring at Dean until he dropped his eyes in obedience.

"Yes sir." Dean mumbled keeping his eyes cast downward to the floor as John stomped from the room slamming the door behind him. He swore under his breath as he dropped into a chair at the table and flipped open one of the pizza boxes to pick up a cold piece and taking a bite. Dean's anger was rising because his Dad left him in the room. He needed to be out there looking for Sammy. What if he was hurt or laying in a ditch bleeding out or kidnapped by some pervert or even worse kidnapped by a supernatural being. What if he had been taken because of something their Dad did in the past, Dean thought. If he was older and had his license he would be out there right now looking for Sammy, but all he could do was sit in this motel room and wait for his Dad to come back, hopefully with his little brother.

spn

Thirteen Years Later

The bar he chose was a little more upscale than what he usually picked, but Dean strolled in anyway and took a seat at the bar in the far corner where he could survey the goings on around him. He ordered a Jack and beer from the bartender before settling down to relax. He had just finished a hunt here in Austin and grimaced as he moved the wrong way, sending rivulets of pains down one side of his ribcage. Dean had been hunting alone for several years now and took the pain in stride. He watched the couples and groups of young people coming into the bar and figured it must be a hangout for the college crowd. He picked up his shot and quickly tossed it back and swallowed it in one big gulp, feeling the burn all the way down. He chased it was several sips of beer and let his eyes wander as he contemplated his next move. He thought about heading up north to see Bobby, a family friend and fellow hunter, or maybe try to get in touch with his Dad and see if he needed any help. John, his father, had sort of disappeared out of his life after he turned eighteen and gave him his Impala. He was distance and shut him out and he knew it had to do with Sammy disappearing all those years ago. They had looked for years and had every hunter, friend and acquaintances they knew doing the same. Dean saw the change and toil it took on his Dad and knew what it had done to him as well. They had not found any trace of Sammy, but that didn't stop Dean from still looking even after all this time.

The bar was starting to get crowded now and Dean decided to call it a night and find a motel somewhere to crash for the night and head out in the morning. He twirled the last of his beer around in the glass and was raising it to his lips when a small group of five came into the bar. One guy was taller than the rest with long, shaggy brown hair and he was laughing at something one of the others said. He had his arm draped around the shoulder of a cute blonde who he knew tucked close to him. The color drained from Dean's face and his chest tightened up so tight he could hardly breathe because he knew who it was. His injury didn't help as he tried to suck air into his deprived lungs so he wouldn't pass out.

"Hey you ok man?" the bartender asked when he saw the sudden change in Dean as he gripped the bar tightly with one hand and a look of disbelief washed over his face.

"Yeah..." Dean whispered in a hoarse, raw voice that he didn't trust to say anything else. He watched the group make their way to a couple of tables and pull them together so they could sit down. The tall guy strolled to the bar and ordered five beers as he glanced around not really seeing Dean sitting back in the shadows at the end of the bar. Dean studied an all grown up Sammy as he gathered the bottles of beer and took them back to his friends. He seemed happy and unharmed and not missing his family at all. After getting his emotions under control, Dean drained the last of his beer, threw some bills on the bar and got up to leave, giving his little brother one more hard look before moving among the patrons toward the front door.

Sam and some of his friends were out celebrating the end of finals. He was in college at the University of Texas Law School studying to be a lawyer. Jess was saying something to him when an old feeling crept over him; one that he hadn't had in a very long time. Not since he turned his back on the hunting life and ran away from his family. It had been tough on him at first but he found a family that took him in and gave him a good life, a normal life where he could excel and be who he wanted to be. He missed his brother and father so much, but he wanted to be in control of his life and do what he wanted with it and hunting was not it. Ever since he found out about what is out there in the dark, he felt out of place. It was like he didn't belong in that world and he was just trying to make himself fit into a mold that wasn't him. Sam stiffened and looked around knowing something was different tonight than in all the other times they had been to this bar. He let his eyes roam over the other people and something caught his eye, a lone figure walking away in a leather jacket. Sam sucked in a deep breath because he knew who it was, without a doubt. He excused himself and hurried after the man, trying to keep him in sight. Once he stepped from the bar, Sam looked frantically left and right trying to find him again. He saw him walking into a parking lot across the street from the bar and quickly made his way among honking cars across the street.

"Dean!" Sam called out in a quick breath once he was close enough for him to hear. He saw the man falter in his steps for a moment, but then continued to walk toward the back of the lot to a black Impala. Any doubt this wasn't Dean was erased from Sam's mind when he saw the car. All those memories he kept locked up came flooding out and Sam broke into a jog to catch Dean.

Dean heard his name called from behind him, but he only paused for a moment before continuing toward his Baby. He blinked back tears and squared his shoulders pushing back those feelings he was trying so hard to control. Sammy had chosen his life, Dean wasn't about to walk back into it. He was alive, safe and happy, that's all he ever really wanted for him, so he wasn't going to destroy that by stepping back into it. Running footsteps behind him made him tense preparing for an attack until Sam said his name again and grabbed him by the arm to stop his forward movement.

"Dean..." Sam said in a strained voice as he fought to keep it from breaking up and to keep the tears from blurring his vision. He quickly wiped his eyes as he spoke again. "I know it's you..." he said softly to Dean's back not wanting to seem threatening.

Dean looked down at the hand that held him knowing he should shake it off and get in the Impala and drive away without looking back.

"Hey Sammy." Dean spoke in a dull, emotionless voice. He couldn't look at him, not when he was determined to leave.

"How did you find me?"

"I didn't, was working a case and just finished up."

They stood there silently for a minute neither knowing what to say to the other until Sam dropped his hand from Dean's arm.

"You're looking good." Sam commented wanting so much to grab his big brother in a hug.

"You got tall." Dean replied not knowing whether to be angry or happy or to throw a punch.

"I did. Why don't you come back inside and we can get a beer together, maybe talk?" Sam asked cautiously. He knew Dean had every right to be upset with him for what he did, but he hoped maybe; just maybe he could forgive him.

"I don't think that's a good idea. I gotta go and your friends are probably looking for you."

"I'm sorry..." Sam blurred out in a quiet voice as tears leaked from his eyes and he didn't try to stop them.

"I can't do this, not now..." Dean insisted turning back to take the last couple of steps toward the Impala.

"Are you staying around here?" Sam asked not wanting Dean to leave. "Look, I just finished up finals and have a couple of days off before I start work. Could we get together and talk?" he questioned. He waited for Dean to answer and when he didn't, he asked again, "Please Dean, I've missed you so much."

"But not enough to let me know you were still alive..." Dean spat in a hurtful, low voice.

"I know, that was wrong and I'll never forgive myself for doing that to you...And to Dad...Please bro I just wanna talk. I can come with you right now if you want..."

Dean had his hand on the door handle as he listened to his brother beg. His anger was starting to rage as he remembered all the things he thought could have happened to him after he disappeared. John had done everything to search for him, going to psyches, card readers, witches, used spells but none of them worked. It was like Sam was being protected from being found that way. He never really gave up looking, but after six years his need to find him diminished because he was sure Sam was dead. Dean tried to convince him otherwise, but John wouldn't accept it. If Sam had truly been dead, Dean knew he would have felt it deep down in his soul. When Sammy had left, a hole had been ripped in Dean's soul leaving a raw, hollow, empty feeling that he had been trying to let heal all these years. He didn't realize Sam had moved until he heard the squeak of the passenger car door open and then close as Sam got in the car, not waiting for Dean to respond to him.

"Get out!" Dean growled as he opened his door and looked in.

"No." Sam said crossing his arms over his chest, putting on his best bitch face and staring boldly out the front of the windshield.

"Don't make me drag you out..."

"Why don't you just get in and let's go talk. After that you can leave and never see me again...If that's what you want...But I hope that won't be the case." Sam told his brother. He slipped his cell from his jacket pocket and sent a text to Jess to let her know he might not be home tonight and not to worry. Sam was determined to hash it out with Dean once and for all so he was not going to get out of the car. He didn't want this hanging over him and always wondering what if...

Dean swore under his breath as he looked over the top of the car and worked hard at keeping his temper under control. Even now Sam knew how to push his buttons and piss him off. He closed his eyes as he pulled in a deep breath and let it out slowly while trying to decide what to do.

"Sonovabitch!..." Dean fussed as he dropped into the driver's seat and cranked his Baby. He listened to her roar to life and threw her into gear to pull out of the parking lot. He had no idea where he was going or what he was going to do with Sam, yeah Sam, he was no longer Sammy to him; his little brother had grown up.

spn

When Sam thought Dean wasn't paying attention, he looked over at his profile, trying not to be too obvious about it. They both had changed so much over the years that it was scary. Dean emitted an air of authority about him now and he seemed tougher, harsh, and edgy. Sam didn't want to admit it but Dean had turned into their Dad. He quickly looked away when he saw Dean glance his way. Sam could feel the heat rising up his neck into his face, feeling guilty about getting caught staring. He cleared his throat and swallowed trying to wet his dry mouth so he could speak.

"There's a decent motel a couple of streets over if you wanna get a room." Sam offered since they had been driving around for thirty minutes. The only stop Dean had made was a convenience store to grab a six pack of beer.

Dean pinched his lips together but didn't say anything knowing he couldn't keep driving around the rest of the night. His side was hurting, he was stiff, and he needed some drugs to take the edge off. Not liking it but with not any other choices, Dean turned at the next intersection and headed toward the motel Sam recommended. In less than ten minutes, he was pulling into the parking lot and stopped at the office. They both sat in the car, neither moving until Sam finally spoke.

"I'm not getting out so you can drive away and leave me here." Sam stated matter of fact.

With a mad huff, Dean got out and headed for the office to get a room. Sam hid his smile as he watched Dean stomp off remembering how he was growing up. He had been on the receiving end of Dean's wrath a couple of times and it wasn't pretty. He had no idea how this meeting was going to turn out or if he could make Dean understand why he did what he did or if Dean would even talk to him. He was sort of surprised that he hadn't decked him in the parking lot when he caught up with him. Sam guessed that was a point in his favor, maybe.

Dean came back out and got back in the car to move it to the back of the motel and parked in front of a room. He got out and went to the trunk to get his bags before going to the door and opening it. He went on in pretty much ignoring Sam who trailed along behind him. The first thing he noticed was Dean had gotten a room with two queen beds and thought that was a plus too. He watched him set his bags on the bed nearest the door and sat the six pack on the table. Dean dropped into one of the chairs at the table and pulled two beers out pushing one toward the empty chair across from him.

Sam took that as his cue to take a seat and joined him at the table. He took the beer and unscrewed the top so he could take a sip. Sam looked sideways at is brother and watched him take the cap off his and take two long draws on his beer before stopping. He could see so much unspoken thoughts on his face even thought he didn't voice any of them. Sam got the feeling the only way to start this conversation was for him to do it.

"I know saying I'm sorry is not enough Dean. I can tell you that a hundred times, but it still wouldn't be enough. I know I hurt you really bad when I left." Sam said looking to Dean to gauge his reaction. He saw his lips thin and his fingers tighten on his beer bottle as he kept his eyes lowered. "I don't have the right to ask for you to forgive me, but I hope maybe one day you can."

Dean took a sip of beer before responding to Sam's words. He looked up at him as he spoke.

"I just wanna know why Sam, why did you run away?" Dan asked in a pained voice. "Was it that bad that you had no other choice? Did you ever think about what it did to me...And to Dad? We have looked for you for the past thirteen years just hoping you were still alive. I don't get it, I just don't..." he said his voice trailing off as a single tear leaked from the corner of his eyes and ran down his cheek.

Sam hung his head in shame and swallowed the lump that formed in his throat knowing he couldn't answer his brother without breaking down. Tears rolled unabated down his cheeks and he tried to form the words in his mind to answer Dean's questions. Sam knew they had so much to talk about and he didn't think either of them would get any sleep tonight. He parted his lips as he made ready to answer his big brother...

The End

A/N: Don't hate me for this ending. I wanted to give you, the reader, the option of deciding how this turned out between the brothers. Use your imagination and write your own ending to my story. I hope you will leave me a review and let me know what you decided. Please review. NC