Tegan's studio apartment overlooks the station, it's not exactly quiet with trains thundering past but it does make for interesting people watching. The platform is visible from her bay window, she can spend hours there during the day, writing and watching. The noise never bothers her; to be honest she probably couldn't sleep without the constant roaring if she were to move somewhere quieter anyway.
The bay window seat is her favourite place to rest, she writes for a local paper and idly watching passenger's board their trains is a good way to pass the time when she has writer's block. Sometimes she likes to look at their clothes and sense of style, sometimes it's the way someone holds themselves that catches her interest, hunched shoulders and head tucked low anxious/uncomfortable, arms crossed and hands in fists angry/frustrated. It's intriguing, and she likes to think about their lives but at the end of the day they're all just random blurred faces that will be forgotten.
This is how it starts, innocent at first, as are most things. The sun is setting and the yellow light shines in through the glass in just the right way that tiny little dust particles in the air are visible. Tegan is resting, stretched along the little seat in her window typing away when she glances out to the platform. She sees a woman in a long black overcoat, the only one there waiting for a train and Tegan admires her from afar, she stands with her shoulders back, a bored aloofness to her demeanor, she frequently checks her wrist watch as if she's waiting for somebody.
She probably is, Tegan thinks and for a moment wishes she were the one this woman was waiting for. Even from here Tegan can see that she's beautiful. Tegan tries to turn back to her work but there's just something about this woman that makes it impossible for her to look away.
The glass window shakes a little as the familiar grumbling of a train pulls into the station. Passengers seep out of the doors in floods and Tegan loses the woman in the overcoat. She assumes she's gone, lost in the abyss of people never to be seen again but once the crowd thins and the train takes off again Tegan catches sight of her, she's talking to an important looking man in a suit. He carries a briefcase with a newspaper tucked under one arm, she smiles and touches his shoulder intimately and the man nods, they walk off together and that's the last Tegan sees of her that night. She assumes that must be her husband or boyfriend, but really what does it matter? Tegan won't ever see them again.
X
Work was rough, Tegan got looked over for the promotion she wanted for a younger less experienced member of their team. She's happy for Tom, she is, but it still hurts all the same, she goes to the local bar after work and gets drunk by herself, only wandering home in the cold winter evening when the bartender says she's had enough. The sun is starting to set earlier and earlier and it's perhaps a little dangerous to be out wandering the streets at this time by herself but there's another part of her that really doesn't care, even though she knows she should. When she gets home, her apartment is cold and she is lonely. She sprawls herself along the bay window seat in a drunken haze and stares out at the glowing lights that line the platform. She wants to call someone, to talk, just talk, she's lonely. But she doesn't.
The alcohol has made her vision kind of fuzzy but she swears she recognises that figure down on the platform.
She sits up quickly, her head spins and the alcohol in her stomach gives an unpleasant churn as she presses her face towards the frosty glass. It's icy on the hot skin of her cheek, rouged from heavy drinking. The window fogs up on contact and she smears a palm across the mist in order to get a better view.
The woman in the black overcoat is back, beautiful and mysterious as before, all alone. Tegan wonders if maybe she could talk to her, if maybe she is lonely too? She's checking her watch again, probably waiting for her partner. She looks bored, carrying that same air of indifference.
Tegan's drunken mind is more obsessive than her sober one and she allows herself to take in this woman, her black doc martens, her windswept hair. Tegan comes to the same conclusion; she's beautiful. But somehow sad, Tegan can't explain it but she senses her sadness even from two stories up, it permeates through the air and no matter how well this woman thinks she hides it with her apathy, she's not as good an actor as she thinks.
Maybe they had a fight? Tegan wonders, and then wonders why she even cares at all.
The train pulls up and Tegan tries to focus but the streetlights and the buzz from the six beers she chugged down earlier are enough to make her lose sight again. When she does manage to find her she's not with the same man as last time. This man is casual, scruffy, he wears jeans a maroon sweater and reading glasses, a thick brown beard covers the lower half of his face. The same thing happens, the woman smiles, touches his shoulder, they talk and they disappear together.
Tegan rolls away from the window and thinks about that for a while, for the rest of the night actually until she falls asleep.
X
Weeks pass, Tegan is starting to resent her job, they treat her like she's expendable and leave her to do work she's over qualified for. Finding a new job though isn't easy and every application she sends out gets her nothing in return, except the numerous emails telling her she isn't what they're looking for.
Tegan doesn't think she's what anyone is looking for.
Her life is crumbling, falling apart at the seams. She doesn't bathe as often as she should, her electricity has been cut off twice from forgetting to pay the bill and she hasn't had a decent meal that wasn't tinned spaghetti in days. She knows she's slipping and can feel it. She's not even sure she wants to fix it though, there's something calming about a life falling into chaos, letting go of responsibility. She tells herself a new job will fix things, maybe a change of scenery, a new apartment somewhere else in some other town. But no, she can't leave, not yet anyway.
The mystery still remains of the woman in the over coat, it has become something of an obsession for Tegan, probably an unhealthy one but isn't that the definition of obsession? Everyday she comes home from work, drinks, attempts to write on whatever crap they have her writing for the paper and makes sure that at precisely seven fifteen she is looking out the window. It's not every night, in fact it's not even most nights that Tegan catches a glimpse of her, she's lucky if she even sees her twice in one week but what is consistent is the timing, the woman is there at the same time, waiting for the same train and always leaves with a different man. At first Tegan told herself it was the woman's husband, brother, uncle, that she just had a lot of family she had to collect from the station but her naivety couldn't protect her forever and eventually she accepted that this beautiful reserved woman was in fact a prostitute.
It hurt Tegan and she didn't know why, it was as if she had come to know this woman as a friend, a familiar face in the sea of forgetful ones that floated past her window day after day, and upon learning the truth, that strange men were touching her every night set off a possessive streak in Tegan she didn't know she had. This was a stranger somebody she had never met and yet Tegan wanted her to herself, to protect her. Then she scolded herself because what's it to her if that's how this woman wanted to live her life? Except it did bother her.
X
Tegan goes out with a couple friends from work, they basically force her out and their worrying over her is sweet but she feels unnecessary.
"Tegan, are you okay?"
"I'm fine."
"You know you can talk to us right?"
She's not sure why she pushes them away when they're only trying to help her, but feelings aren't rational.
When she excuses herself to the restroom the unflattering fluorescent bulbs give her skin a sickly pale sheen, she knows though that maybe that's not just the lighting. She leans forward dissecting her appearance in the stained mirror, heavy bags with deep purple bruising sag beneath her eyes, her skin and hair is greasy and she's starting to break out. She turns away, unable to look any longer.
Her body is getting lean too and she knows it's because she isn't eating properly, it's hard to remember sometimes when loneliness and obsession take priority.
She thinks it's funny how sitting here at a bar with friends and listening to live music she feels lonelier than ever. They force her to eat, greasy and fatty steak and fries, and she does try, she does but a couple bites has her feeling queasy and she tells them she's feeling unwell. They exchange looks between each other and it gets on Tegan's nerves knowing that they're judging her.
Against Tegan's protests they pay for her meal.
The three of them catch a taxi back to Tegan's apartment and all Tegan can think about is that she missed seven fifteen. A part of her is frustrated at them, like they did it on purpose. Of course they didn't but she's still upset nonetheless. When they arrive at her place Tegan turns to say goodnight but they follow her up the flights of stairs to her apartment door.
"Is it okay if we stay tonight?"
"I-I'm not sure."
"Please, It's late and we don't have money for another taxi."
"… Okay."
So they stay and Tegan knows it isn't because it's late or to do with money. They make her eat breakfast in the morning and pretend not to watch to see if she actually eats it. She does, because they're watching her in their periphery and if she can keep this cereal down and convince them she's okay then maybe they'll leave.
The two of them stay most of the day, making sure Tegan eats her lunch too and now that they're finally gone she misses them. She doesn't really understand herself anymore, maybe she never did. They were there for her and she pushed them away, she has no right to be sad but she is.
The woman doesn't show up that night, or for the next few nights after that. As a result Tegan's work suffers and so does her health, she relies on this person for her sanity and they have never even met, she's sick, she knows it too, but she doesn't want help.
What if she's hurt? Tegan worries, What if she's been kidnapped? Her mind grasps at straws and panics thinking of the possibilities.
X
Tegan's rugged up in a beanie and her large green military jacket, it's cold outside and it has been for the last week she's been standing out on the platform at precisely seven fifteen but the woman has not come back and Tegan is starting to think she imagined her altogether. Maybe she has lost her mind, lack of food and excessive alcohol consumption can do that to a person.
But no, she's sure she exists, she has to.
She checks her watch and sees it's a little after seven, a bit early yet. The irony hits her when she looks up to the arched bay window on the second floor and realises if she were up there she'd look just like the woman in the overcoat, checking her watch and waiting.
Tegan has no intention of boarding the train.
There's a cough behind her and Tegan's jumps a little from the fright, when she turns around the woman is there, staring offhandedly at the ground, breathing visible frost into the night. It's peculiar to see her in person, Tegan can make out the fine details on her jacket, the gold buttons and white trim, her palms sweat to be this close to the woman she has been watching for months now.
The cold has frozen Tegan to the spot; suddenly this seems like a ridiculous idea, she doesn't know this woman. She repeats that to herself, I don't know her, but a part of her feels like she does know her, even if just from watching.
The horn sounds as the train approaches and the vibrations are felt through her shoes. Tegan watches the train and the people that come spewing from it, they pollute her view of the woman in the overcoat.
No, where is she? Tegan panics.
She walks in the direction she last saw her, desperately scanning the sea of faces for the familiar. She hopes she's not too late, that the woman hasn't already found her next target for the night. Tegan wants to be that target. Her heartbeat is in her throat and she's actually worried now, where is she?
An elderly lady bends down to pick up her book and when she steps out of the way Tegan breathes a rush of relief. She's there, a few paces away, waiting, calculating, looking for the right target.
Tegan takes a couple steps.
"Hi," Tegan says breathily, self-consciously. The woman merely glances a look her way before stepping around Tegan as if she's a mild inconvenience.
Tegan steps back into her path.
"If you'll excuse me, you're in my way," The woman says, attempting to slip past.
"My name's Tegan," apparently months of self inflicted isolation and obsession have made Tegan incapable of starting a conversation like a normal person.
"That's nice, I'm actually waiting for somebody so if you could-"
"No you're not," Tegan cuts her off.
This time the woman takes a step back and actually looks at her, she has almond eyes with vast pupils that betray a deep loneliness, the kind you could only see if you were really looking. Tegan is sure her own eyes would look the same, if only someone were willing to find it. Tegan watches as they focus on her for the first time, it's exciting and it makes her feel alive for the first time in a long while.
The woman is assessing her and she knows it, looking for signs of a threat, she looks Tegan up and down, she doesn't find any. "Who are you?" She asks, "Do I know you?"
"You don't know me," Tegan says slowly, offering no other explanation.
The woman steps back and away from Tegan, gazing at her with a kind of pitying expression. "I'm sorry, I think I see my friend," she mutters quickly.
She thinks I'm crazy.
Maybe I am.
"Wait!" Tegan calls but the woman doesn't stop. By now the station is almost empty though and aside from a few stragglers, it's easy to keep pace with her. "I'm sorry if I came off weird just now," Tegan pants. "I don't know how to do this but I have money and I would like to spend some time with you." It doesn't come out the way Tegan had hoped it would in her mind but it's out there now. The woman's fast pace slows for a moment and then she stops altogether still facing her back to Tegan.
"I've noticed you, I've seen you talk to men."
The woman turns back around and her expression is searching, she's not sure if Tegan is serious. Tegan opens her wallet and makes visible the small wad of cash she had taken out at the ATM earlier. The woman's eyes flicker over the money briefly and then back to Tegan, deliberating.
"Two hundred an hour," she states and that is more than Tegan has in her wallet.
"I- I don't have that on me, but here," Tegan hands her the wad of bills, around one seventy five and pushes them into her palm, "I have the rest at home, I can get it for you, or we can go to the ATM maybe? You can wait here if you like or come with me, I mean whichever suits you best." She knows she's rambling, it's embarrassing and sad but at this point she'll do anything to be near this woman.
The woman counts the bills in her hand then folds them discretely into her pocket. Her pitying expression remains and Tegan knows she's coming off as desperate and lonely but what else can she do when that's exactly what she is?
"My apartment is just there," Tegan, points to her window on the second story and the woman follows to where she points. "I'll go get the rest now, I won't be a moment," as an after thought she adds, "Please don't leave."
The woman continues to stare at Tegan, evaluating her, sizing her up. She seems to come to an internal agreement and nods after a moment, "I'll come with you."
"Great," Tegan, smiles. "It's just this way."
Tegan walks ahead and only the sound of their feet is audible against the pavement, it's so quiet and awkward, the woman is still wary of Tegan and hangs back a few steps but that doesn't stop the excitement flooding through Tegan's veins. She's nervous and her palms are sweating and just the short walk to her buildings entrance way has left her panting. "Through here," she holds the door for her and then continues ahead up the flights of stairs. When they reach Tegan's apartment she drops her keys because her hands are shaking so much, "sorry," she picks them up and tries again all the while having this person behind watching her every move with quiet scrutiny. She gets the door open this time and turns on the lamp next to her bed, the softer light makes Tegan a little less self conscious as the deep stretching shadows allow her to stay partially hidden.
Tegan walks back and closes the door behind her guest and then faces her, it's quiet, very quiet, she's afraid to talk in case her voice booms disrupting the energy between them.
"Oh, um here," Tegan rifles through the bowl next to her door and scrambles up the extra twenty-five dollars in loose notes and a handful of change. She hands the money over and watches as the woman takes the now sweaty bills and coins from her clasped hands looking at them like they're a foreign currency. The coins and notes are pocketed too and she looks at Tegan with warm endeared eyes, the pity is still there though Tegan notices. "Tell me your name, please?" Tegan asks.
"Sara," she answers quietly, the tiniest hint of a lisp.
"I like that," Tegan smiles, of course there is the possibility this isn't her real name but she doesn't care. It's nice to give her a name.
They both just kind of stand there staring at each other. When it's obvious that Tegan has no idea what to do, Sara finally moves.
"What do you want, Tegan?" She asks, removing her coat and folding it on the bed neatly.
Tegan isn't even sure, she just wants her, wants without knowing. "I want you."
"Okay," Sara continues to watch her with those dark calculating eyes, "lay down."
Tegan does, she walks over to the bed and lays back against the soft pillows, she can't actually remember the last time she slept here, usually she passes out in front of the window or on the floor. She's basically panting as she lays on her back waiting, she knows Sara can hear her but has no power to stop the labored breaths, she's nervous and excited, her pulse is everywhere.
"I'm going to turn the lights off," Sara says, walking over to the lamp on the other side of the bed. There's a click and then they're immersed in shadows, Tegan's senses heighten, she feels electricity on her skin.
The blind is not pulled though, so Tegan can still make out Sara's figure in the moonlight.
The sound of a zipper can be heard and then shuffling, then the snap of a bra clasp as it's undone. Sara's getting undressed and the sound of it alone has Tegan aroused. The bed dips under Sara's weight as she moves underneath the covers; Tegan then hops eagerly under the covers too.
"Can I touch you?" Tegan asks innocently, she's been starved of human contact and aches to feel the warmth of the body next to hers.
"Yes," Sara breathes back.
So Tegan shuffles over, the small space between them disappears and she rests her head on Sara's soft warm chest. Tegan's not sure how but it must be loud because Sara whispers, "Your heart's racing."
"I'm nervous," Tegan says. "I've never done this before," She mumbles, glad for the shadows that obscure her blush.
"Slept with a woman?" Sara asks, surprised and Tegan can feel the vibration of her voice through her chest, it's soothing.
"No, hire a prostitute."
"Mmmm," Sara hums.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend you." Tegan berates herself, "I always say stupid things."
"It's okay," Sara dismisses.
Tegan tucks herself along the side of Sara's naked body, curling her palm under her chin so her elbow rests on Sara's soft, warm, breast. She wishes she was naked too but doesn't want to move.
Sara gasps at the contact and Tegan smiles, "You're so soft."
Sara tickles her hand down Tegan's arm, leaving a trail of goose bumps behind it. "So are you, Tegan." It's so intimate finally laying in bed with the woman she has craved for months, none of it feels real. "Do you want to take your clothes off?" Sara asks breathlessly, Tegan can't be sure but she thinks she detects a nervous tremor to the question.
Tegan nods against her pillow and sits up, removing first her jeans, socks and underwear and then her jacket, sweater T-shirt and bra. There's nothing romantic about it, it's all very mechanical and straight to the point but Tegan doesn't mind, she doesn't even hop out from under the covers, simply pulls everything off and kicks it onto the floor.
This time when Tegan returns to Sara's chest her skin sears against Sara's own and Sara makes a tiny pleased noise in response.
"Now your heart's racing," Tegan points out cheekily with her head against Sara's ribcage. "Are you nervous too?"
"… No," But the hesitation with which she replies says otherwise and it's charming that she feels she needs to lie.
Sara adjusts herself again, switching positions with Tegan so that she can reach her more easily.
Tegan is panting, this is the best she has felt in a really long time and that probably says something about the awful state her life is in that hiring a prostitute makes her feel so fulfilled. Really though she knows that any other woman, prostitute or otherwise would not make her feel this way, there's just something about Sara that appeals to her in every way.
Sara is a little awkward when she reaches down between Tegan's legs, but even that light touch makes Tegan gasp and her hips rock reflexively, "uh." Sara fumbles a couple more times with the wet slippery skin and Tegan finds it charming. "Are you okay?" She asks, reaching for Sara's fumbling hand and holding it in her own.
"Yeah," Sara murmurs and Tegan can hear the frustrated blush.
"It's okay, you don't have to touch me."
"It's my job to make you feel good," Sara counters and tries to remove her hand from Tegan's grip.
"Can I make you feel good instead?" Tegan asks and then before she can think better of it, "You're not used to sleeping with women are you?"
"Is it that obvious?" Sara tries to joke but it sounds small.
"No, it's not." Although it is a little, Tegan doesn't want to embarrass her. "May I?"
Sara hums and Tegan shuffles her onto her side, spooning her from behind, their thighs touch and Tegan's breasts squash against Sara's shoulder blades. It's so hot, beads of sweat gather at each of their hairlines. Tegan breathes against Sara's naked back, touches a delicate wisp of hair on the nape of her neck and feels like finally she is complete.
Tegan smooths her palm down Sara's flat belly, the muscles tremor and tense beneath her fingers in response and it arouses her.
Sara's trying to control her breathing; she inhales sharply then tries to smother the sound by regulating herself with deep gulps of air.
"You're allowed to make sounds you know? "Tegan says, "I won't stop you."
Her hand touches the soft curls between Sara's legs and then dips further down. She's wet. Really wet.
"Oh," Sara gasps, and she sounds a little surprised.
Tegan wonders if the men Sara sleeps with have elicited that sound from her. Probably not she tells herself.
It's kind of an awkward angle for her hand so she pulls back and nudges at Sara's lips from behind; Sara takes the hint and pushes her ass out making herself more accessible to Tegan. Tegan touches there softly, spreads Sara's wet lips with two fingers, gently pushing against the resistance of slick contracting muscle. Tegan wants to be gentle, unsure if Sara has lingering damage there. She really hopes not.
A muffled moan escapes Sara, and Tegan sees that she has her head turned into the pillow. It's more of a growl, animalistic and deprived. Her hips rock back onto Tegan's hand and Tegan does her best to keep up with Sara's movements.
"You know I've watched you for a while now," Tegan whispers. "You're all I've been able to think about."
Tegan reaches her spare hand over Sara's hip to play with her clit while she fingers her from behind.
Sara whimpers but doesn't seem able to find words.
"I imagined how I'd touch you, and it killed me to see you walk away with those men." Tegan gets a little rougher when she mentions that particular thought and Sara's body responds readily, her thighs clamping down hard around Tegan's hand and grinding back against it with a feverish kind of desperation.
It surprises Tegan.
"Oh, oh!" Sara's body tenses, squeezing and un-squeezing Tegan's fingers, holding Tegan's wrist in position until she relaxes a moment later, enjoying the gentle aftershocks as Tegan removes her hands.
"Wow, that was-"
"Quick," Sara blushes. "I know, sorry."
"Hot, is what I was going to say," Tegan smiles. "Don't ever be sorry for that."
Sara smiles back, still breathless and panting from her orgasm.
"Does that happen often?" Tegan asks, curiously. She wants to know if Sara comes that quickly with her other clients or if Tegan is somehow special.
She knows she shouldn't think like this, she shouldn't get too attached but It's a little late for that, it was too late the first moment she saw her.
"Sometimes," Sara mumbles, "It depends on the person." Her mumbling makes Tegan a little suspicious, like maybe she's lying.
Sara rolls over, looking at her Tegan like she's noticed something that hadn't been there before. It sparks Tegan's curiousity.
What is she thinking?
Tegan is painfully turned on, she can feel the slickness between her legs and thinks that even the smallest touch could make her come, maybe even a slight breeze.
Sara laughs then, a euphoric kind of disbelief that rings in Tegan's ears. "Is that a good laugh or a bad one?" Tegan asks grinning, although she already knows.
"A good one," Sara smiles, Tegan is happy to see that the pity Sara held in her eyes earlier has now dissipated. But then a frown draws her brows together as she checks her watch.
Tegan frowns too; looking at the little illuminated numbers telling her that there is only ten minutes left of her hour. The time really slipped away from them.
"Oh," Tegan sighs.
There's silence again. Heavy with all the things Tegan wants to say but can't.
Sara's looking at her; dark pupils that gleam in the silvery moon light, analysing and focused. The attention is a little much and Tegan has to turn away. It's going to be a long night.
"You're lonely, aren't you." Sara says then and it's not really a question.
Tegan nods moving to rest her head again on Sara's side, "Yes."
Tegan wants to ask if Sara is lonely too, but she thinks she already knows. Sara's loneliness is quieter but it takes up more room, Tegan can feel it saturating the air they breathe, it's stifling and so, so sad.
She wishes that the two of them together would push away that feeling of isolation but she knows it isn't that easy.
"Did you really watch me?" Sara whispers and it sounds like disbelief.
Tegan just hums quietly, neither confirming nor denying the question.
Then all too quickly the sheets are cold and Tegan is alone in the bed, she listens to the sound of Sara scrounging for her clothes, the sound of fabric as it's quickly and professionally put back on.
"Can I see you again?" Tegan murmurs before Sara has quite made it to the door.
"Of course. You know where to find me." She closes and locks the door behind herself.
Tegan masturbates to get rid of the distracting ache between her legs and then cries herself to sleep.
X
This becomes a regular thing, instead of Tegan watching from her window, she spends her time waiting at the station for Sara. Sometimes Sara turns up and sometimes she doesn't, Tegan likes to think she sees a smile in Sara's eyes when she realises Tegan is waiting for her.
"Do you like it when I wait for you?" Tegan creeps up behind Sara and whispers.
Sara turns around with a grin, the pity that was once there now gone and Tegan is grateful. "Yes, I do, very much."
When they're lying in the bed together afterwards, Sara rolls on her back and smiles. "The first time we slept together was the first time I was with a woman."
This takes Tegan a little by surprise, considering Sara's profession she had just assumed she had been with women at some point in the past. "Really? I was your first?" And there's some part of Tegan that takes pride in that and holds onto it, something a little possessive.
"Mhmm," Sara murmurs, sleepily.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Tegan wonders. "I would have been gentler if I knew, I would have taken it more slowly."
"You were very gentle," Sara reassures her. "I didn't say anything because my job is to make my clients happy and feel good, I couldn't have done that if you were the one trying to comfort me."
The word client stings Tegan a little but she pushes it aside for another time. "Did you like it?"
"Yes," Sara laughs, quiet and giddy as if it was so obvious. "I liked it a lot."
Now Tegan wants to ask another question, she knows she shouldn't but it creeps out anyway, she never did have a filter. "Am I the best you've been with?"
Sara turns to the side and leans on her elbow, a sly grin playing at the corner of her lips. "I can't answer that, Tegan."
"You're the best I've been with," Tegan confesses shyly, hoping to provoke an answer from Sara.
"Thank you," she whispers back, her smile turning from sly to sincere. "I do find it a little hard to believe though."
"Why?"
"Because I was, I am, inexperienced when it comes to women," Sara mumbles.
It seems funny to Tegan that this beautiful woman is insecure. It makes her wonder how Sara is with men, probably all sex and confidence. Tegan likes that she gets to see a more vulnerable version of Sara.
"Is there really such a difference between men and women?" Tegan asks.
"Well you're the only woman I've been with so that's all I have to compare to, but so far yes, you are different."
"How am I different?" Tegan wonders.
"You're just…" Sara trails off, looking to the ceiling as if the answer is hidden there. "You're softer, and gentle and receptive. Not that men aren't but the majority know what they want and will take it. But you aren't like that."
"So what you're saying is, I'm better?" Tegan laughs cheekily.
Sara gives her a playful shove, "Not better, just different."
The rest of Sara's answer sinks in and Tegan finds herself asking a more sobering question.
"Do they ever hurt you?"
"Why? Are you worried about me?" Sara says trying to keep the playful mood.
"Yes," Tegan answers honestly.
Sara's eyes warm and she wraps her arm around Tegan's middle, pulling it in tight and protective. "They don't hurt me, most of them are actually very timid and shy."
"But they could hurt you, you're so small," Tegan breathes into her pillow.
"Hey! I'm not that small," Sara laughs.
"You're tiny!" Tegan exclaims, she feels happy right now, content. Sara makes her feel like nothing else matters.
"Well if I'm tiny, so are you!" Sara giggles back.
"No way, I'm way bigger than you," Tegan grins and they laugh together, happy, relaxed.
X
Tegan buys Sara's time many more times after that.
X
"Are you seeing anybody?" Tegan asks.
"No, I don't really date."
"What do you mean you don't date? Like ever?"
"Ever," Sara says against Tegan's side.
"Is that because- because of your job or?…"
"It's that, and I've never met anybody who has made me want to stay."
Tegan wants to be the one who gets Sara to stay.
X
"When did you know you were gay?" Sara asks, stroking Tegan's arm absentmindedly.
"I was fourteen," Tegan mumbles. "I fell in love with a teacher at my school." It's kind of an embarrassing story to think back on especially since it was a harmless crush, on a teacher nonetheless but it's the truth and she wants Sara to know about her life.
"Fell in love?" Sara questions.
"Well okay, maybe not love." Tegan laughs, "Maybe more like lust but I remember looking at her and thinking that this was how I should feel about boys."
"Did it scare you?"
"Yeah," Tegan murmurs. "It terrified me, I just wanted to be normal, I was scared people would hate me if they knew." Thinking about this childhood hurt brings it back anew and it stings like it were only yesterday, her eyes begin to water.
"I'm sorry," Sara whispers. "I'm sorry you ever had to feel like that."
"It's okay," Tegan reassures her. "It was a long time ago now, I'm over it."
"But still, I hate that you had to hide who you were."
Tegan feels so lucky to have Sara, for whatever amount of time she can.
"Can I ask you a question?" Tegan says after the short silence.
"Sure."
"Are you straight?" Tegan had been wondering for a while. Would any female prostitute sleep with a woman for money or did they have to be Bi or Gay?
The silence stretches out and Tegan realises she may have hit a nerve; she tries to back track. "Sorry, you don't have to answer if you don't want to."
"No, no, I do." Sara says hastily. She heaves a sigh and it's heavy with a weight Sara must have been carrying for a long time. "That question scares me because the truth is I don't know. I always thought I was straight, I never got butterflies or all those ridiculous feelings people talk about but I just figured I hadn't met the right person yet."
"Maybe you haven't," Tegan replies, although it hurts, she wants to be the one who gives Sara butterflies. "Maybe one day you'll meet someone and they'll make you feel like all those cheesy romance movies are true."
Sara laughs, "Maybe."
X
"Don't look at me like that." Sara says, walking back from the bathroom.
"Like what?"
"Like you want me."
"I don't know how else to look at you."
X
"Are you okay?"
How can Tegan even begin to answer that question? She doesn't even really know herself.
"No," She replies.
"Is there anything I can do?" Sara says. It sounds sincere, she really does want to help.
"You could stay," Tegan whispers. "Just stay with me, don't go.
There's silence and that answers Tegan's question but it still hurts, the hurt is not sharp but deep and aching, she can feel it deep down in her belly, she curls in to stop the pain.
"Tegan," Sara sighs, as if already tired of this dance that they hadn't yet learned the steps to. You know I can't do that."
"I know you say you can't, but I don't know why."
"You know why," She replies sternly.
"So, what? You're just going to be alone forever?"
"My life is not your concern," Sara leaves, storms out without locking the door behind her.
X
"I got you something," Tegan holds the gift behind her back excitedly, surprising her at the station.
"You didn't have to get me anything, Tegan." Sara says, but her eyes have widened, the corners of her lips turned up into a smile.
"I know, but I wanted to, to say sorry. It's not much but I hope you like it." Tegan hands her the box of chocolates with a red ribbon around it and Sara accepts them gratefully.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome," Tegan blushes.
"You know, you're kind of cheesy," Sara smiles.
They go back to Tegan's apartment, smiling shyly and happy. Sara leaves after their hour and for the first time, they don't sleep together.
X
"I won't be able to see you for a little while," Tegan sighs sadly.
"How come?" Tegan hopes she isn't imagining the twinge of sadness in Sara's voice.
She knew this was coming, while her shitty job paid okay it certainly didn't pay enough to support Tegan's new habit of buying Sara's time, she'd been watching her bank account dwindle, all of her savings all of her hard earned money gone. She was an addict paying for her addiction and she had finally run out. If she saved enough she could probably afford to see her once a fortnight, that was if she chose not to eat some nights and cut back on the liquor and heating, but realistically she was looking at more like once a month to still live comfortably and afford Sara's time.
The thought of not being able to be with Sara makes her feel desperate, anxious. She won't survive well without her.
Tegan laughs, a quiet kind of pathetic one that doesn't have humour, "I've run out of money."
"Oh," Sara nods in understanding.
"Yeah…" Tegan says. She felt she had gained some semblance of sanity since she began seeing Sara and now it was going to dwindle away again, she wasn't looking forward to being lonely.
X
Tegan's drunk, she knows she shouldn't have bought alcohol when she's trying desperately to save her money but without Sara, alcohol is the only option. Sara isn't at the platform tonight and that brings a little relief to Tegan's stressed brain, she goes crazy thinking about those people touching Sara, Sara is hers. But Tegan hasn't been with her since the night she ran out of money and she has taken to getting drunk and watching from the window as Sara takes her various clients home. Her apartment is a mess, she hasn't cleaned in weeks, she can't even remember the last time she showered but what does it matter? Nothing matters without Sara.
This isn't healthy, Tegan knows, her friends have even stopped trying to get her out of the house, they've given up on her because she gave up on herself. It's sad really but the alcohol numbs it well, she can't be sad if there are no brain cells to realise it.
She's sulking in the dark when there's a quiet knock on the door and she thinks that her friends have returned, but no, they left her, she doesn't want their help, she doesn't need it, she wants them to fuck off.
"Fuck off!" she spits at the door. It rattles as the person on the outside tries to turn the handle and Tegan yells again, pissed off that they won't take a hint, "Go away!" But they don't, they bang harder on the door and the sound is loud and booming, Tegan can feel it bouncing around inside her skull and it hurts. "Stop! Please just stop! You're hurting me," she cries and crumbles towards the floor, covering her ears.
The banging stops and it's quiet again; maybe she's started hallucinating too? Add that to the list of her problems.
"Tegan?" Her voice is soft and just how Tegan remembers it. "Tegan, it's Sara. I want you to let me in." Now she knows she must be hallucinating because there is no way Sara is at her door.
"I can't, I can't afford to," Tegan whimpers.
"Don't worry about that, just let me in please?"
"You're not real," Tegan says to the door.
"I am very real, open the door and I'll prove it."
Tegan has nothing to lose aside from her sanity so she stands on wobbly legs and being upright so suddenly doesn't really agree with her stomach, it churns queasily. She reaches the door, fumbling with the lock three times before her drunken mind figures out the slider and gets it open.
Sara is waiting on the other side and when she sees Tegan her face drops. "Jesus Tegan, what have you done to yourself?"
"Sara? You're really here?" Tegan mumbles.
"Yes I'm really here," Sara nods assertively. She pushes her way past Tegan into the apartment and flicks the lights on. Tegan's pounding head doesn't really appreciate the sudden brightness, she runs to the bathroom and vomits into the toilet.
She can hear Sara's footsteps in the distance, her quiet discontent as she takes in the state of Tegan's messed up apartment.
"Are you okay in there?" Sara asks, her voice echoing in the silence. She sounds honestly worried and Tegan hates that she's not sober enough to convince her otherwise, she hates that she's made her worry at all.
"I'm fine," Tegan mutters and strains to pull herself back to her feet.
"You don't sound fine. When was the last time you-"
Tegan blacks out.
When she comes to, she's in bed wearing pyjamas.
She sits up to look for Sara but again the abrupt movement causes her head to ache. "Oww," she whimpers and lies back down.
"Don't move so quick, you'll hurt your head," Sara scolds from beside her, she's reading a book using the lamp light to illuminate the pages, there's something domestic about it that makes Tegan smile, like this could be them, how they would be together.
"What happened?" Tegan questions, rubbing her head. There's a tender lump hidden in her hairline that she accidentally brushes and it makes her eyes water.
"I came by your place and you were wasted, you told me I wasn't real, took ten minutes to open the door, threw up and then passed out, you hit your head too so that's probably going to hurt later."
"It hurts now," Tegan grumbles, fingering the lump. She's embarrassed and her face heats up at how stupid she must have looked in front of Sara earlier.
"There's some Tylenol and water beside you," Sara says without so much as a glance in her direction.
"Thanks." Tegan takes the tablets and prays they will kick in quickly.
"You need to take care of yourself, Tegan. What are you doing?" Sara's scolds her again and it makes Tegan feel like an idiot, she's not a child. "Have you even eaten anything since I last saw you? You're a bag of bones."
"Of course I have, don't be so dramatic." Tegan defends, she doesn't want to fight with Sara but her ego is bruised along with her head. "I'm not a child, I can take care of myself."
"You're certainly acting like one, what would you have done if I hadn't come round?" Sara challenges.
Tegan knows she would have just passed out and probably woken up in her own vomit, it wasn't a rare occurrence these days but she isn't about to admit that.
"I never asked you to come!" she shouts. "Why are you even here anyway?" She regrets it immediately.
"You know," There's a billow of sheets and Tegan feels cold as soon as Sara has left the bed. " I don't know. I'm sorry I came back."
"No wait! I'm sorry! Please don't go, please stay!" The pity is back in Sara's eyes as she stands there with her arms crossed, a scowl directed at Tegan.
"Why should I? It's obvious you don't want help."
"I do Sara, I need help." Now she's crying, whimpering. She doesn't want Sara to go. "I need you."
"You can't need me Tegan," She says, her eyes softening. "You're not the first one of my clients to ever fall for me."
There's that word again, client. Tegan hates it like she hates the men that touch Sara.
"Stop calling me that!"
"What?"
"Client! I'm not a client! I'm a person and I have feelings."
"You're not supposed to have feelings!" Sara is frustrated; their argument is going in circles. "I never should have slept with you in the first place! This is why I never get involved!"
"So I'm no different then?" Tegan asks, "I'm no different from those men?" She's upset and keeps pushing this thing between them into unsafe territory, Tegan knows this but can't stop herself.
"That's not what I'm saying, don't twist my words."
"Well what are you saying, Sara?"
"I'm saying we can't do this. I'm a prostitute, Tegan!"
"I don't care about your job, Sara. I just want you."
"You say that but I can feel your jealousy, I can see it in your eyes, I know you hate my job, I know that's why you're such a mess, and I can't keep doing this to you, it's not fair on either of us." Maybe Tegan hadn't said any of these things out loud but Sara's right, Tegan does hate her job and hates knowing that other people get to touch her.
"Then why are you here, Sara? Why are you here if you say we can't be together?"
"What?" Sara says, irritated.
"Do you have feelings for me?"
Sara hesitates, looking to the floor. "I-It doesn't matter, it doesn't change anything."
"What do you mean it doesn't change anything? It changes everything! So we don't even get to try? Do I even have a say at all?" This is all too much for her hung over and bruised head, she just wants to sleep.
"I want you to get better first, I don't want you to rely on me for your sanity anymore," Sara says.
"I can do that," Tegan agrees. "I can get better."
"You have to do it without me, and you have to do it for yourself."
Tegan doesn't want to be alone again but if that means that one day she'll have Sara, she'll do anything.
"Okay, Sara." She swallows.
"I'm not giving up my job, Tegan. You'll have to accept that."
Tegan gulps nodding her head to Sara's conditions.
"Goodbye, Tegan."
X
Tegan stuck to her promise, she got better. She saw a therapist and they talked about her depression, her job and how it was a contributing factor.
She stopped drinking and found a new job in the same city where they treat her like an actual human being. Her apartment is clean and she no longer feels the need to look out the window to the platform. Life is better.
When Sara is over that night, she cries when she sees Tegan for the first time in months.
"You look beautiful," Sara smiles.
"So do you, I've missed you."
"I've missed you too."
X
"Does it bother you?" Sara whispers into the darkness later that night, barely a question.
Tegan hesitates.
Yes.
But no, she can't say that.
If only you knew, she thinks. She wishes it didn't matter, perhaps if it didn't she wouldn't have spent her days in front of the window waiting for the woman at the station to appear, checking her watch, waiting for trains but never boarding. But it does matter because she is here and it cost Tegan nothing but her heart.
"No," Tegan says, flat and forced.
There is gentle rustling and Tegan knows Sara has rolled to face her but she can't do the same, even in the darkness she doesn't want to risk that pain.
"I know when you lie," she states, not accusatory just fact.
Tegan takes a breath, holds it. She knows better than to lie to someone who has done nothing but tell the truth.
"Yes," she says simply.
"You know what that means, right?"
"Yes," she says again.
Sara walks out after that, doesn't even say a word just gets up and leaves locking the door behind her.