I Don't Have Any Friends

A Hayate the Combat Butler Oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

A/N: This fic was (very loosely) inspired by the hentai dōjinshi A Butler Doesn't Have Many Friends [Shitsuji wa Tomodachi ga Sukunai, in Japanese], which has a funny premise (and lots of sex, of course, but that comes with the territory).

Because, as we all know, Hayate is an idiot. Seriously, where most harem series protagonists have an Un-wanted Harem, Hayate Ayasaki has an Un-known Harem.

While cleaning up one day at the old apartment building, a thought struck one Hayate Ayasaki. It came out of the blue with no cause and no warning, but the devastation wrought by its impact turned his world on its head.

'I don't have any friends.'

Blink.

'... ... ... ... ... wait, what?'

A moment passed, and the indentured butler's bright blue eyes widened in shock. 'Ehhhhhh?-?-? Wha-what kind of thought is that, to just come out of nowhere?-!-?-! Is someone trying to use remote hypnotic suggestion on me?'

He considered this briefly, before he shook his head. 'No, that can't be right. Who would possibly want to hypnotize me?'

[Narrio Wakamator: "Meanwhile, in another part of town."]

Hinagiku Katsura and Ayumu Nishizawa were standing around a massive pewter cauldron. Ayumu was stirring a thick, syrupy, dark purple-ish concoction within the antiquated vessel while Hinagiku read an incantation from a book labeled A Muggle's Guide to Voodoo.

"Ear-day eat-gray ata-hay, ear-hay us-ay and-ay ake-may ayate-hay all-fay in-ay ove-lay ith-way ishizawa-nay and-ay e-may~!" she chanted in the ancient magical tongue of Pig Latin.

"Man, I really hope this hypnotism spell works, Hina, because my back is seriously killing me here," Ayumu opined.

[Narrio Wakamator: "And back with the oblivious, destitute-looking Hayate Ayasaki."]

'No one, that's who. But then,' Hayate furrowed his brow in arduous ratiocination, 'why would I think such a thing? I have plenty of friends! Like...' he paused, frowning. '... errrr, Hinagiku-san? No, that's not right. She's always getting upset with me. ... Maria-san, perhaps? ... No, wait, she's a coworker; coworkers can't be friends,' he nodded reluctantly in an excellent demonstration of his warped perceptions of social interactions, colored as they were by a long history of mistrust, pity, and resentment on the parts of his past coworkers. '... But there have to be others! I mean, there's... um... like, uhhhhhhhh...

'... ... ... huh. I... guess I DON'T have any friends. That's... depressing.'

He sighed. 'I don't have any friends.' Looking up at the starry sky morosely, he fell down onto his back. His eyes were dim and dry as he contemplated this shocking revelation. 'How did things come to be this way? How long have they been this way? Have I always been friendless? Has my whole life really been nothing but working to pay off one debt after another? Is that all my life will EVER be?'

This thought weighed heavily on his heart. It was oppressive, depressing. He suddenly felt like he was deep deep underwater, nearly suffocating but nowhere close to the surface.

Looking up at the heavens, he found no comfort – only an omnipresent reminder of how insignificant and powerless he really was. He had no future. No way to pay off his ever-growing debt. He was bound in the unbreakable, industrial chains of wage-slavery before he was even come into his own as a man.

'... well, fuck my life.'

Hayate laid there -motionless- outside on the grass under the vast, glittering, black heavens for an age.

He had no idea how much time passed while he was there, for he was lost in melancholy meditation. His spirit was overcome with a great, endless weariness. He knew nothing but self-pity and sorrow.

Despair.

Loneliness.

Bondage.

These words tasted like ash upon his tongue, and the fabric of his butler uniform was as sackcloth against his skin. Bitterness blossomed in his stomach, the seat of emotion. His throat burned, hoarse and dry. Unbidden, unwanted, tears began trickling down his face.

He cried.

Not for his mistress. Not for his coworkers. Not for his schoolmates.

For himself.

Seconds turned to minutes. Minutes turned to hours. Hours turned to days.

Days to weeks, weeks to months, months to years.

In his mind, it lasted an eternity. An eternity without hope, without light, without happiness. In those conceptual aeons, life seemed so meaningless – his life the most pointless of all.

He longed to bring an end to this cosmic farce, to cease this misery in any way possible.

To die.

Yes, in the murky depths of that unfathomable depression, even expiration was seen as preferable to his continued existential angst. He longed to die, to bleed out onto the ground, to breath his last, to return to the earth – ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

He so strongly wished to end it all, to take his own life.

But he could not. Fear stayed his hand; stopped him short every time. Fear for one's life. Fear of death. Fear of the unknown.

But most of all, it was fear of what would happen to his loved ones without him there to care for them, to protect them. Because the selfish, human desire for the suffering to stop was exceeded only by selfless love: care for the well-being of those close to him. He had seen, had read, had heard, what effects suicides had on those who knew the victims. The hurt, the confusion, the anger.

He would not wish those things on anyone, because even if he believed himself unloved, he still loved those around him.

A pause.

Blink.

'That's right...' he thought, understanding dawning on him. 'Even if I have no friends, even if there is no one who truly cares for ME, I... I still love them.'

He smiled softly, sadly. 'If I won't live for myself, then I'll just live for my loved ones! Milady...! Maria-san...! Hinagiku-san...! Nishizawa-san...! And everyone else...! I love them! Even if they don't think of me as a friend, even if they care nothing about me, I love them nonetheless! They are my reason for living! To see them happy... That is what I will live for! Even if I can never know happiness, even if I shall never know freedom, even if I shall never be loved!'

His eyes brightened once more, and he wiped the tears from his eyes. His determination was renewed, his vigor and verve restored. He was born anew with a man's conviction! 'I love them all. That is all that matters. I will continue to love them. To live for them. I don't care what happens to myself, I just want to see them smile!'

And so, as quickly as that thought had come to him, it was discarded. For Hayate, somewhere in his heart of hearts, knew and understood that true happiness came not from living for yourself.

It came from living for others.

FIN

A/N: Wow, this fic came out way more serious than I intended. I had originally meant for it to center around Hayate going around, asking the various girls he knew (and who had crushes on him) if they were friends, and for the girls to say no, thinking they were MORE than friends, while Hayate would walk away from the conversations thinking they were LESS than friends, like the dōjinshi I based this on, except without the gratuitous sex.

But clearly, I tapped into not my fluff muse (Treasure) or my humor muse (Fairy Kyuubi) but my angst/drama muse (DarkEvilFuzzy666 [hey, I was young and dumb when I named 'im – I thought it was clever at the time]). So I ended up with a mostly-serious, introspective piece with Hayate going through a random existential crisis. The depression bits were based on my own experiences with clinical depression, while the whole epiphany/aesop I based on an article I remembered from Cracked dot com, 5 Things You Think Will Make You Happy (But Won't):

'[...]Experts have figured out that the brain has no ability to actually predict your emotional reaction to life changes that haven't happened yet. In other words, you physically do not know what you want. The act of sitting around pondering it is apparently what fucks you up.

This might be because for most of human history, we didn't have time to do that. We were too busy gathering berries and running from wild animals. Now that we've got things so under control that the animals hug us. . . well, we're like the guy up there who didn't know what to do with his lotto winnings.

This may be why studies show friendships, altruism and religious practices bring happiness. It may be that taking the focus off your own happiness is what makes happiness possible.'

I hope this fic manages to brighten up someone's day – I know it brightened up mine.

TTFN and R&R!