Title: Last Minute Confessions.
By Jaye Reid
Written: 31.10.2000
Disclaimer: You know the drill... I don't own them!
Rating: PG
Category: Angst/R... H&M shipper.
Spoilers: none.
Summary: Angry words said, as chances slip away.
Authors notes: The lyrics used in this are from the song '72 hour daze' by Taxiride. They are a brilliant band and I have more of their lyrics saved up for other fics.
This *still* isn't the one I started writing ages ago!
Driving home from work, Harm started rambling in my head. And well, *you'd* listen to the guy! This one is basically from his POV.
Dedication: To my new friends!
~*~*~*~
I'm sitting here on the floor of my apartment. Why am I sitting on the floor leaning against the sofa? I'm not really sure. Perhaps so I don't have far to fall when I finish all the beer I bought on the way home?
Home.
Home is where the heart is they say. So why am I here instead of somewhere else?
My heart isn't here. Mac has it.
It's getting dark, but I have no intention to switch the lights on. No... the darkness matches my mood.
After I left the office, I thought about going to the wall and talking to Dad, instead of coming home.
But what would I say?
'Hi Dad, it's me... I've messed up big this time...'
Not exactly what he'd want to hear.
Somehow the safety catch on my self destruct button disengaged and there was no stopping me.
~*~
And I can't believe I just left Mac standing there.
I should have ended the talk in her office.
Well it wasn't really a talk. It became a full blown argument.
~*~
The alcohol has obviously already kicked in. Everything is a bit of a fog. I know it was important but the stupid thing is, I don't remember the comment that annoyed me so damn much. But I upped the anti and said some things I shouldn't have.
We were both yelling.
I can't believe we were yelling at each other... It's deteriorated to this. I'm surprised the Admiral didn't come storming in. I said some awful things... but she wasn't holding back either.
Not that it excuses my behavior.
~*~
Mac had the right idea. She knew to walk away from me when I'm in this sort of mood. Not that she's seen it often. But she knows. Smart woman. But no, I had to keep going.
I had to follow her into the bullpen
~*~
I rip the cap off another beer and toss the cap towards the sink.
Clunk... bulls-eye.
The first of 5 to actually land *in* the sink and not thud on the floor. My aim must be getting better. I might have to finish off the other half dozen or so beers lined up on the floor in front of me. See if I can repeat the performance.
I stuffed up really big this time. She just made me so... so... damn... everything!
~*~
I can't believe I kissed her.
In the middle of the bullpen no less. The look on Mac's face however was priceless. It may almost be worth the court martial that could be coming. And for a second there, in the middle of my lips on hers, I wondered if she was actually responding?
~*~
Maybe I'm delusional? Certifiable?
Perhaps both.
But I'm in deep trouble - professionally too.
Not necessarily for the kiss. I'm a lawyer, I can talk my way out of it... hopefully. No, the other charge of disobeying a CO - the JAG himself, might be a bit tricky.
I smile.
I wonder if I can ask Mac to defend me?
Yeah you *are* delusional Rabb, I tell myself with a laugh.
~*~
I *had* heard the Admiral bellow as I walked away.
As I walked away from her.
Everyone was looking at us. I think I even heard Harriet gasp as I kissed Mac. Harriet's hints over the years have been none too subtle! I am guessing the Admiral was on his way to find out what all the yelling had been about.
But I have no doubts that he saw me kiss her.
He called me back... he called for me to stop... he called me to attention... hell, he even dropped the rank and called me Harm! But I couldn't stop.
I didn't want to look back.
~*~
It's been a few hours now. The MP's haven't turned up. I guess the message on my answering machine, telling me to '...be in my office first thing in the morning Commander... and it better be good!' is all I am going to hear from him today.
What *am* I going to tell him?
~*~
Bud and Harriet called around earlier. Not that I let them in. Not that I even answered the door. But I could hear them talking. Bud was telling her I wasn't home. She didn't believe him. They're good friends. Eventually they gave up. I know they're just concerned about me. Today's behavior was not the normal way I convey my feelings.
Ha!
Me conveying feelings.
That's an oxymoron in itself!
~*~
So, I have to front up to the Admiral in the morning. What should I say?
The truth?
What *is* the truth?
I could tell him I was abducted by aliens and they implanted some strange thought pattern in my head. '...I just *had* to kiss her, Sir...'.
I could say I was in a deranged state from drinking too much coffee from the staff kitchen. Tell him someone must have drugged the coffee? It could have happened... Palmer would do something like that... Oh there's a thought '...it wasn't me, it was someone *else* who kissed Mac and then disobeyed the order...'
I wonder if that would work?
Or perhaps I should just say that I acted like a spoilt brat who's favorite sandpit toy had been taken away by the playground bully. I was merely trying to retrieve it?? Oh yeah... that would go down *really* well...
But it would be as close to the truth as I let myself acknowledge.
Then again, Mac wasn't mine to start with.
I don't even think it was my sandpit, let alone playground.
~*~
I hit the remote on the stereo. It's on radio and I can't be bothered changing it. Beer and music, always a good combination. Perhaps it will lull me to sleep?
Ah no... *great*.
What *is* this song?
Why do the words seem to fit into my damn awful life? It's sounds like the song could be half over... Not too much torture at least. I guess I *could* just turn it off or find another station... but why not wallow in my own self-pity for awhile?
##...and the moonlight in your eyes is melting me,
Rise up through the skies and reach for me.
(So I'll fly) dreaming of another place,
To wash away the pain,
So I can fly away.
Can't deal with all of my disgrace,
Waiting for the time,
When I will fly away...##
I take several mouthfuls of beer, gulping them one after the other. The rest of the song is drowned out by my thoughts. And my thoughts were hazy to begin with.
You're a sad case, I tell myself. I should know better than this. How many times have I had the discussion with Mac about alcohol only dulling the pain for a short time. It never fixes the problem, only delays it.
Delaying tactics. Perfect if you want a continuation in a trial. Not so good when the trial is actually your own life...
The last lines of the song have caught my attention...
##It's a lovely day today,
so why do I feel strange,
everything around me has changed.##
The words are so true.
~*~
It *had* been a beautiful Fall day. Leaves were turning color, their gold and red hues littered the ground. The sun was shining, and there was a slight breeze. It had been one of those 'good to be alive' kind of days.
I don't know why I chose today, of all days, to confront Mac about her relationship with Mic.
I had all these thoughts in my head before I opened my mouth.
It's not my business, I should keep my nose out of her life. I mean we're barely friends these days.
I merely stated a fact. Mic had done some questionable things of late and I dared to ask...
'...and you still want to marry him...'
Those thoughts I had? She went and verbalized them all for me. Nothing like surround sound - in stereo - volume turned up high, just to help them sink in. Drive the stake a bit deeper. My thoughts thrown back at me.
Now I remember what she said.
My alcohol dulled brain must have tried to hide it.
After she told me, in no uncertain terms to mind my own business, she said she was considering moving that damn ring to the other hand. That's what started this. Nothing I hadn't expected to hear from her eventually. But then... oh then she flung the biggie at me.
~*~
I finish off the beer in my hand, dropping the empty bottle to the floor, as I close my eyes and remember her face.
~*~
As she marched herself toward the door, she turned and threw the parting blow.
'And there's *nothing* you can do to stop me.'
Her exact words!
Like a childish taunt.
So I followed her to the bullpen.
I yelled something at her.
Something like '...don't walk away from me like that Sarah Mackenzie...'
She stopped and glared at me. Fire in her eyes.
Somewhere in the world, ice-caps were melting from that glare.
I put my hands firmly on her shoulders so she had to look straight at me. I pulled her towards me.
And the rest as they say... is history.
~*~
There's another knock at the door. I'm ignoring this one too. I wish they would just give up and go home. Unfortunately the music will indicate that I am more than likely here. Well, too bad. I don't particularly care at the moment.
I open another beer and put the cap on the floor beside me. I'll save it for later. When I shoot for another 'basket', the clunk will be audible... Maybe Bud and Harriet will think I am in bed asleep?
I can hear keys and the lock turning...
Damn!
And here was me thinking my life just couldn't get any worse.
There's only one person with a spare key...
The door opens and our eyes meet in the half darkness.
"Hi," she says softly.
I turn the stereo off.
"Hello." Is all I can find to respond with.
"Do you mind if I come in?" she asks.
"Only if you promise not to turn on the lights," I reply.
She gazes at me sadly, before closing the door. Crossing the room she opens the blinds letting some street and moonlight in.
I turn and watch her as she does this.
My heart sinks further than it already has.
She's moved the ring.
Her hand is on the blind in the light and the ring is clearly not there.
She was right. Nothing I could do, or had done, could stop her.
Why is she here? To torture me?
She sees my expression.
She knows.
She knows what I am thinking.
She walks towards me and sits down on the sofa beside me. Dodging all the bottles, full and empty, in the process.
Her leg is resting against my arm. The current that runs through my body is almost overwhelming. I fight an inward battle not to pick her up and take her to my bed.
I wonder what I did, for life to be so damn cruel?
She playfully ruffles my hair and smiles at me.
She holds up her other hand.
No ring.
I stare at her in confusion.
"I guess there *was* something you could do about it," she smiles.
The end...