Hey, I haven't written anything for a really long time so this is like my first fic for, ummm, 9 months? Something like that. so please take it easy on me. :D
So this fic was inspired by the song If You Leave by Nada Surf, thus the title. I think they revived it 'coz I heard another version of the song so..whatever. haha. I really don't know what happened here, what time it's set or whatever, I just wrote this.
warning: not beta-edited
There was a soft click as Yuuki closed the door behind her. She rested her back against the wooden door feeling the cold creep through her thick jacket. Her soft brown eyes anxiously scanned the room. The room, as usual, was dark except for the few rays of light coming from the street light outside, the windows were closed and were misted due to the cold weather. Even through the dark she could tell that the wooden cabinet was placed on the right, the closet door opposite the window, the study table near the window; she could walk with her eyes closed and hit nothing. Everything was in place, everything was normal but one thing.
Her gaze rested on the man sitting on the bed, the sheets wrinkled where he sat. He hadn't moved hearing the door open. She hadn't expected him to. He was staring at her as she was staring at him. Brown met light violet eyes and they both looked away. She wanted to say something, anything but her voice felt knotted to her throat. They rarely spoke to each other, never been alone together and never really tried to spend time together but tonight was a promise they both made months ago; a promise that both of them were willing to keep.
"Sit down." Zero's voice broke the silence. He patted the space beside him; his hand looked paler in the moonlight.
He sounded tired, Yuuki thought as she took careful steps toward the bed. She sat beside Zero and shrugged her jacket off and folded it swiftly on her lap trying to distract herself a little. She knew she had to say something soon and the later 'soon' would be the better.
There was silence again. Yuuki felt herself flush a little, she should be talking, she should be the one starting up conversations, she should be the one looking at the other while she talked a lightly and comfortable because she was the one who made him promise, made him come and meet her. But how could she when her heart would not stop beating like crazy and she could just feel her toes curling inside her shoes.
"H-How are you?" Her voice was a little hoarse from not talking. She cleared her throat and looked up at those light violet eyes and almost forgot what she was going to say, "Have you been well?"
He nodded, silver strands swaying across his face. "Mostly, yes. And you?"
Her bottom lip was caught between her teeth and she stared down at her jacket now, unable to look at his beauty any longer. "Good."
"You don't look "good" actually." She looked up at him and he continued, "You look exhausted. What have you been doing?"
Yuuki's lips parted to respond but no words came so she closed it instead. She wasn't sure what to tell him. What will she tell him? That she hasn't been sleeping normally because she was worried about him? That she was constantly thinking about his health? That she did nothing but think of him everytime she was awake? That she missed him? That sitting next to him now was nerve-racking? No way was she saying anything like that.
"You're one to speak," instead of replying to his question she said, "You look like you haven't rested for days."
"I haven't."
"What? Wh-"
"We said no 'personal' questions."
Her eyes widen at his tone. Of course, I'm sorry for asking, she wanted to say, but her hand had slipped off her lap and rested on his cheek. He was so cold, as if he hadn't been near a fireplace for days but she felt tingles of flame where her skin touched his face. She examined him, his cheeks were more prominent as if he had not been eating properly and dark circles lined under his eyes. She stared at those light violet orbs, his eyes were wide from shock at her actions but she couldn't help herself anymore, they were scarred, mysterious, beautiful and desperate all at the same time. "Please take care of yourself." she whispered.
His lips formed a straight line, he pulled his hand from the bed and curled his fingers on her hand, and his eyes grew soft but his voice was quick and desperate. "Don't." It looked like he wanted to pull her hand from his face and tell her to go home but he just held it there making Yuuki's skin tingle a little too much.
"Zero.."
He shut his eyes close, trying hard to keep himself from her. His grip on her grew a little tighter but not enough to hurt. "Don't, just stop."
"I'm not doing-"
"Yuuki." His eyes opened again and Yuuki felt a knot twisting in her stomach. The way he said her name and the way he was looking at her made everything fuzzy. She swallowed nervously, her cheeks flushing crimson and saw the flicker of need when his eyes followed her neck then back to her eyes. She looked at his lips and she felt her own part a little and everything just happened like it normally did when they meet in secret.
Zero tore her hand from his cheeks and held it to his chest; she could feel the erratic beating of his heart and how it replicated her own pounding heart. He leaned in and touched his lips to Yuuki's softly and their eyes closed. They went into a rhythm, letting their hearts guide their lips. It was so soft and kind that they didn't want to part but they did after what seemed like a very short time but long enough for their lungs to ask for air. Zero rested his forehead against Yuuki's, their eyelids still down. All the sound that was evident to Yuuki at that moment was the sound of their hearts and their soft breathing. Zero let go of her hand and started to say something but Yuuki's fingered tangled through Zero's silver lock and pulled him into another kiss. He didn't stop them, he could have but he didn't and his arm went around her waist and pulled her closer to him. His other hand that that wasn't around her waist rested on the nape of her neck brushing her brown locks away. They kept at it, hearing a whimper from Yuuki when Zero sucked on her lower lip.
Yuuki pulled back, her hands still knotted at Zero's hair. "Stay." Zero whispered.
"I-" She didn't get to finish her sentence once Zero claimed her lips again. It was faster now, not like the slow and soft kisses not too long ago; this was fierce as if being this close wasn't enough. Yuuki complied when Zero's arms pulled her toward him, her jacket for gotten and landed on the floor, their chests were against each other and she felt a twisting need in the pit of her stomach. She gasped as she pulled her lips from his and placed a hand against his chest creating space. "Zero, I-"
"I'm sorry."
She opened her eyes and watched him, startled.
"I'm sorry for this, I'm sorry for…for everything." His eyes said everything that that was missing from his words. And seeing that he couldn't tell Yuuki everything but wanted to was breaking her heart.
"Don't apologize. I should be the one to ask forgiveness."
He touched her cheek, his thumb brushing against her cheekbone. She felt deeper desire at his gesture and she wanted to lean in for another kiss but he held her tight. "You did nothing wrong."
At that Yuuki looked down, ashamed. "You're wrong." And she looked at his eyes again and her voice went down low, barely a whisper, "I need you…like I needed you then."
"You can't-"
"I know," and her sight became a little wet and her voice shook at the end, "but I do."
He pulled her into a tight embrace and she let the tears stain his shirt. He smoothed her hair and said nothing as she cried and cried and cried. When her sobs had started to calm he spoke. "I can't promise you anything anymore." She bit her lower lip trying to stop yet another stream of tears from falling down her cheeks, "But I can assure you that you never needed me, need me or would need me in the future." He pushed her gently to look at her, "You are your own. You don't need anyone." And his eyes shifted, Yuuki couldn't tell what emotion they held but his voice gave him away, "Not even me."
She opened her mouth to say something but he kissed her again. It was sweet and gentle again that she felt the tears falling once again from her eyes.
The door clicked shut behind Yuuki and Zero let out a breath. He fisted his hands against his knees and held back a growl. He should never promise Yuuki anything anymore not even seeing each other like this. It hurt too much, not just for him but it hurt her too. He should stay away from her, stay away for good. But he knows even if he vowed, he could never completely stay away from Yuuki Cross because she held his heart and seeing his heart leave the door again was nothing but painful. Seeing her cry was like getting your insides pulled. And hearing her say "I need to go" was not a pleasant feeling. He wanted to ask her to stay, to not leave because leaving would hurt but she couldn't know he wanted her to stay.
He laughed bitterly, when did he start admitting that Yuuki was all he wanted?
end.