Galactic Loverboy
Jack should have suspected something was going on. When he bounded into the Hub after a particularly invigorating Weevil chase with Gwen and Owen, it was to find Tosh and Ianto huddled together at one of the computers, pointing, whispering, and actually giggling. They froze at the sound of the cog door and jumped apart before Jack had even drawn breath to bellow a greeting.
"Coffee," said Ianto, bolting for his machine.
"Scans," said Tosh, throwing herself at her keyboard.
"Weird," said Owen, rolling his eyes. Jack laughed, glad to see his team getting along, and hurried downstairs to clean off the dirt and blood.
The next day Ianto stayed behind again with Tosh, and they asked Owen to stay too, though they didn't think Jack knew. Jack would have preferred to take Ianto out to Pennarth to pick up whatever bit of space junk had fallen through the Rift. It was a nice drive, and they could have had a rare and enjoyable lunch alone, maybe strolled along the beach for a while. Instead, Gwen talked about her wedding the entire time, there and back, and Jack was fairly sure his ears were bleeding when he walked back into the Hub, more drained than he'd been after the Weevil chase the day before.
This time Tosh, Ianto, and Owen were all gathered around the computer wearing headphones. They turned to stare guiltily with wide eyes at Jack and Gwen, then dropped the headphones and scurried away like beetles scattering in the light.
"Weird," said Gwen.
When Ianto asked Jack to pick up dinner and then begged out of going with him at the last minute when a Very Important Call came in, he knew something was definitely going on. He practically ran for the sandwiches and took the invisible lift back down into the Hub, hoping he might catch them by surprise. Instead, he descended into the cavern that was supposed to be his safe space to the strains of the one song he thought he'd wiped from human history.
And the team was dancing below him, laughing and singing along.
Jack cringed. He blushed. He thought about reversing the lift, returning to the Plass, and leaving Cardiff altogether, but then the song ended, the team glanced up, and the applause began.
Jack had never heard such sarcastic applause, and it burned.
"Nice song," he said, jumping off the lift and tossing everyone their food. He felt a small sense of victory when Gwen fumbled her sandwich and Owen actually dropped his. Ianto, however, caught it flawlessly in one hand and grinned.
"For a 1980s one hit wonder, perhaps," he drawled.
"Yes, well." Jack cleared his throat and shrugged, then gave them the blinding grin he knew wasn't fooling anyone, especially Ianto. "I was on assignment."
"Torchwood looking for aliens on the American music scene again?" asked Owen.
"Actually, those were my Time Agent days," said Jack. "I was undercover, and yes, I was looking for an alien."
"And rewriting pop history as we know it," murmured Ianto.
"I loved that song in school," said Gwen, sounding nostalgic. "I had a huge crush on the singer, but I don't remember John Jacob James looking much like you."
Ianto snapped his fingers and dashed to a computer. "That's the name. Hang on!"
"Ianto, no!" Jack moaned, but the printer was already whirring. Ianto gleefully presented them with a grainy black and white photograph.
"John Jacob James, singer of the hit song Galactic Loverboy."
Owen snickered while Tosh and Gwen burst out laughing. It really didn't look like Jack at all. Long curly hair, mustache, and eyeliner hid Jack's face well enough to make him almost unrecognizable, and the ripped jeans, leather vest, and tattoos were a far cry from his more current clean-cut military look.
"I thought I'd wiped everything," Jack murmured, staring at the picture. At the time, it had been a blast. He'd spent six months undercover and on tour, enjoying the fame and fortune and fans throwing themselves at him. After wrapping the case, he'd simply let his alternate persona fade in obscurity as one-hit wonders tended to do everywhere across the galaxy, then erased every record of John Jacob James ever existing that he could.
"How did you find any of this?" asked Jack. Ianto glanced at Tosh, who stepped back, holding her hands up.
"I only ran the voice recognition program," she said. Jack turned to Ianto, who looked like Christmas had come early.
"Detective Swanson sent it to me," he said. "Apparently the daughter of a record shop owner in New York sent it to a friend in London who sent it to a relative in Cardiff who sent it to the detective's daughter. When she heard it, for some reason she thought maybe you had famous relatives, thus accounting for your, I quote, pig-headed arrogance."
Jack couldn't help but laugh. "Definitely me, then! Apparently one song made it through the wipe. Hope you liked it, because the fun's over. It stops here."
"Actually, what about the rest of the album?" Ianto asked.
"Gone," said Jack. "And utter crap, even for the eighties, so be thankful that it's been erased from pop culture forever."
"You didn't perhaps find a copy when you made your way through the eighties a second time?" Ianto asked lightly, obviously holding back a grin. "You do have quite a music collection downstairs. I could check if you like."
Jack stared at him. He wouldn't. Ianto stared back. Oh yes, he would.
With a sigh, Jack went downstairs to his bunker for the album. When he returned, he had a bottle of scotch, because if they were going to listen to the damn thing, he needed a drink. Maybe several.
"Did you make a music video too?" Owen asked as Jack poured himself a splash, pointedly ignoring the others. "You must have done, everyone did back then." Ianto raised an eyebrow, Jack stuck out his tongue and downed his drink, and the Welshman handed out four beers.
"Please tell me there were sparkles," said Ianto. Gwen burst out laughing again. Tosh turned to her computer and tweaked the Hub's lights to give them some sort of sparkly disco ball affect.
Ianto kissed her on the cheek as he hit play, and the sounds of Galactic Loverboy's synthpop melodies filled the Hub. Then he came over to Jack and murmured something in his ear, punctuating it with a nip and a wink before moving away, leaving Jack's trousers a bit tighter than they had been.
Maybe it wouldn't turn out so bad after all, but he was definitely not wearing ripped jeans ever again. Even for Ianto Jones.
Author's Note:
Once upon a time, Jack Harkness rode a unicorn in the EU. There were many comments on Tumblr. And then the IceBreakers unicorn started haunting my Tumblr dash, and I could not resist remarking on this. If only Tumblr could post John Barrowman instead of unicorns, and preferably with sparkles! And lo! John Barrowman with sparkles appeared! I wondered where the story was, and lo! A prompt appeared from the lovely Avaantares.
Prompt: When Jack was working for the Time Agency, he once had to go undercover as a pop singer. He has gone to great lengths to bury this dark secret and ensure that no one ever finds out about his brief boy band stint, which he finds humiliating. But one day… the team finds the evidence.
And so was born this story, as the penultimate experience in the Jack Harkness/unicorn/John Barrowman/sparkles Tumblr adventure. Because the final chapter was the album cover.
I do hope you enjoyed reading this story. I could not bear to post any angst-filled updates today of all days. Here's to escaping into a fictional world that can, on rare occasion, make us laugh and smile.