Harry Potter and the Power of Fail.
A/N: Featuring senile!Dumbledore, pedo!Snape, Imnotgoodfriends!Hermione&Ron, Overpowered!OOC!Harry, 6thYear!Um-bitch. This oneshot is crack-crack-crack-crack. Failure is the power He Knows Not.
The concept of the Idea Bubble is inspired by Rorschach's Blot's Odd Ideas. Reference to lemon drops came from him.
Within the grey stone walls of the premiere magical school in Europe, within the dark dank dungeons filled with mildew and possible Legionnaires' disease, a single boy continued slaving over a bubbling cauldron with a whole bunch of his fellow students, draped in red and green. Quite frankly, it was a perfect scenario for a noticeable divergence point in the Harry Potter universe. In traditional fashion, that single boy was currently being glared at by the premiere potions master and douchebag in Europe. That person currently had a vein throbbing in his neck which caused the Slytherins to chatter, knowing what was next.
"Dunderheads! All of you! But especially you Potter!" Snape yelled, spittle flying into Harry's face, "How can you be in sixth year and still unable to make a Calming Draught?"
Snickers were already appearing from the Slytherins while the Gryffindors looked sympathetic yet did nothing to stop it. Harry, on the other hand, kept quiet, trying to as usual keep his cool in a rather poor situation. If he didn't say anything, he'll lose some points. If he said something, he'll lose more points. If he said something that would alleviate the growing annoyance of not being the actual object of his professor's ire (aka his father) and feeling insulted because of it, he'll lose the rest of his house's points. Honestly, he contemplated not going to Potions just to see if his house would not lose any points, but he'd probably end up being force-fed some disgusting concoction as punishment.
The abnormally long nose of the man stood eye to eye (yes nostrils were now eyes) to him as he continued on his tirade as Harry continued ignoring him. The Leglimency he felt from the professor easily pierced through his poor and feeble mental defenses, forcing him to actually pay attention to the man.
"Do you need remedial potions again?" Snape yelled with a smile, "One would think with a year of that, you might actually learn something." Harry flushed with anger but kept silent. His fists were clenched over his cauldron as Snape continued his tirade. "Did you inherit your father's thick skull since it's obvious that all efforts to teach you anything have been met with failure?"
"Maybe you just fail at teaching potions, sir." Harry blinked as he realized the words that left his mouth. The Gryffindors sighed and frowned with the remark. Crap.
"That'll be fifty points from Gryffindor for your cheek, and a detention for you," Snape smiled silkily before adding, "Is there anything else you want to say?"
Bugger it all.
Harry smiled as he realized he didn't give a damn anymore. "Actually, yes. I do."
"Another fif-"
"I would like to say that you are a bloody wanker. A douchebag. An asshole. A cunt." Harry calmly replied as he recalled words from some racier American shows that Dudley watched when he thought no one was around. "Quite frankly, I wonder on how you can continue teaching in the school when you're obviously stupid and unfit for teaching children. The proof's on your left arm after all." He swiftly turned around to Malfoy, "Kinda like your father and his Death Eater mates. Example being the failed theft of stealing a stupid glass orb for Voldemort from a bunch of children."
Most of the class gasped the accusations more than the fact that he had just insulted the professor. Some of the less appalled Gryffindors motioned with their hands to get Harry down from the desk he was now standing on, knowing the consequences from then on now would be enormous. Sadly, they lacked the foresight to do it earlier for Harry was far too gone. Harry was on his soapbox.
"Why Potter, my fa-" the blonde yelled.
"Your Lord couldn't kill a newborn baby. Your father, a minion of the dark lord, will probably fail as well. Let's list all of your Dark Lord's faults, shall we?" Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, proved his Gryffindor worth as he kneeled down on the desk, staring eye-to-eye with a sputtering Snape. Harry started lifting his finger with every sentence. "Your lord couldn't kill a newborn when he tried to. He couldn't kill a first-year when he tried to. When he had me surrounded in my fourth year with minions like Malfoy 'I look like I touch children' Senior, he couldn't kill me when he tried to. Your lord keeps a bloody diary which was the only thing he succeeded at by the way. Your lord is a hypocritical half-blood who went into a murdering rampage when he discovered his father was muggle." Harry said with a smirk on his face, five fingers lifted. It was great that Dumbledore's sessions, before it was derailed by Harry, ended up becoming useful.
He hopped from desk to desk till he was on Snape's, spinning around and addressing the class. "I mean, I'm sure the title of Dark Lord probably has some standards since Snivellus here failed when he couldn't lead the house filled with sycophants and liars." He glared at the Potions Professor who just stood there in shock who certainly received a reaction that he certainly didn't expect.
"Now, instead of being a half-blood Dork Lord like Voldemort is, he stays here in Hogwarts to terrorize children in order to get off," Harry smiled as Snape suddenly drew out his wand while Harry did the very same.
"Are you going to fail like your Dork Lord, Snivellus?" Harry's eyes glowed slightly, knowing that the words he used felt very right, "Or are you just going to take away points and give me detentions instead since you're too inept to do anything else?" He then deadpanned, "You are useless. You're nothing. And you'll continue to be nothing."
Snape's eyes were nearly bulging out similar to what would've happened to a person if the bowling ball that Dumbledore accidentally threw out the window in an effort to teach Harry the wonders of ten-pin bowling actually landed on someone. Snape's wand hung limply like his other 'wand' with his attempts of trying to think up of a curse had vanished in his rage.
"ONE THOUSAND POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! AND EVERYONE, GET OUT!" Snape crowed.
Harry merely bowed with a smirk and immediately skedaddled, taking care to grab his bag before going out the door. The others were still shocked and didn't move until Snape suddenly started waving his wand, cursing their desks.
"You just lost ALL of our house's points! All of them!" Hermione shrieked at Harry in the Great Hall. People who were looking at the hourglasses earlier finally pieced two and two together, their epiphany evident as they started to snicker. Ron was looking apoplectic as he just stared at the point count of Gryffindor being zero. Dead zero. Harry, though, just continued looking nonchalant about the entire thing, even having the audacity, according to Hermione, to partake on their table's food after losing, quite possibly, the most points at one time in their house's history. Most of the table were thinking along similar lines to Hermione.
Harry looked at them with a chicken drumstick in his mouth, saying, "Hmm…what? I'm sorry. I missed what you were saying." He looked over at Professor McGonagall who gave a very disapproving glare and a curt nod telling him there would be a telling-off to come. He was still mulling over the fact that he didn't get blasted from one side of the school to the other in bits and pieces from Snape.
"YOU LOST ALL OF OUR POINTS!" Hermione shrieked again louder.
"Oh that. Umm…well…whoops?" Harry said nervously with a drumstick in his hand, "At least I didn't get blasted to kingdom come?"
Ron started yelling, "If you did, at least Snape's point collection could get revoked!" Hermione nodded. Harry just looked at them mildly shocked with their attitude.
His eyes glinted green as he glared at Ron. "Well, I'm sorry that I FAILED TO GET CURSED, RON. DID YOU REALLY EXPECT ME TO NOT SAY A THING WHEN HE BROUGHT UP THAT?" Ron cringed slightly along with Hermione, being reminded of what Harry lost. Harry continued on going, adding, "Maybe one of you should have stopped me! Or at least redirected Snivellus's stupid attitude towards yourselves."
"You always had his attention on you, Harry. It never bothered you before. This is probably some stupid ploy for you to get more attention," Ron replied crossing his arms, almost smug-looking.
"Oh, now that the tide of public opinion wavers, you go back to being a little shit again? Honestly, with friends like you, who needs enemies?" Harry suddenly stood up before walking to the Slytherin table, making sure to take a seat next to Malfoy, taking out his wand as soon as Crabbe and Goyle even twitched. "Why hello there, Messrs Ferret. I've decided that since Ron is a backstabbing little sycophant and I seem to attract those kinds of people, I want to add you as a friend too."
"What the hell, Potter? Get the hell out of my table." Malfoy asked panicked.
"But I want to be a Slytherin now," Harry whined, "I mean I annoyed the hell out of my house mates and my Head of House, and I have to do something that nearly gets me killed in order to get back in their good graces." Harry stretched, leaning back and placing his legs onto the table. "At least with Professor Snape, I could constantly try to get other people killed and not get punished for it. Heck, I can be stupid as I want, and I'll still gain points." He nodded sagely to exemplify his point.
"I'm glad you're transcending house boundaries, Harry, and finally seeing the good in Professor Snape." Dumbledore 'twinkled' and then smiled, holding up a goblet as if in toast before drinking from it. Harry, having been used to 'it' from his sessions with the Headmaster, didn't bat an eye while the other tables just stared incredulously.
"Anyways, guys. What do you say to me joining the snakes?" Harry said with a smile that would rival Lockhart. "Heck, since I'm a Parseltongue, I'm obviously evil so I'll fit right in. I'll even speak to your snakes for a Sickle to prove that I do have an ambition."
"Potter," Blaise said from the other end of the Slytherin Table, "Though I am curious to hear what my snake would say, what ambition would you marketing your Parseltongue ability prove?"
Blinking and shaking his head at the obviously androgenous Blaise Zabini, Harry paused for a while before replying, "To cause an economic meltdown in the wizarding world by withdrawing all my assets from it. Doing this would be just a start." Thank you Hermione for the pointless lecture on wizarding economics. He turned to look over at the still somehow present Defense of the Dark Arts professor, toa- Umbridge, who appeared to be in shock at the sudden revelation.
"Mister Potter. Kindly return to your house table," Professor McGonagall said. The request was obviously not one, especially with the glare that the professor was giving him. Turning to see his Head-of-House behind him, Harry contemplated the question for the moment.
"But it's clear that our table doesn't want me, the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Receive-Abuse-From-Snivellus-Snape, so I'll stay here. Thank you for your offer though." he bowed to his Head-of-House before adding, "Besides, the house of the courageous lions should learn how to stand up to a bully before they call themselves Gryffindors." The throbbing vein on McGonagall's forehead was the only warning he received before…
"Potter! Twenty points from Gryffindor for your blatant disresp-" She shrieked.
"Sorry, we don't have any more points to take," Harry innocently replied before adding, "And any attempts to give me detentions will simply end up in failure."
Because he wouldn't go to them obviously.
"I-I-I, But-" McGonagall sputtered before turning around to the Headmaster, saying, "Albus!"
"I'm glad that you're attempting to bridge the gap between Gryffindor and Slytherin, but I must say that you should show Professor Snape a little bit more respect by using his proper title," Dumbledore added as he drank from his goblet, "Though, I have to say that you will have to meet me tonight."
Harry feigned shock and anger before he sighed, saying, "Of course, Headmaster," before he sat back down in the Slytherin table, taking another chicken drumstick. Looking over at Goyle whom he still had a wandpoint, Harry simply said, "So, what do you blokes do here for fun?"