-Preface-
Uh, yeah. I'm actually writing this.
My friends COOKIECHEESEMAN and Hammershlag both had this idea and thought I'd be good for writing it.
And now I'm here. I'll pretend to be qualified for this.
This is gonna be a really weird one. It's a slightly adjusted format from my usual style for these types of fics too.
And yes, this is rated M for a reason. I hope I don't need to explain why.
If you don't know why, you're too young for this fic. That's your warning, because I am not holding back.
-X-
"Welcome to the party! I'm your host, Corrin! Today we're gonna cover…
"Wow. Didn't expect that. Kids, always make sure you read the script before agreeing to a gig.
"Um. Guess I have to do this now. Prepare for a foray into the realm of lemons! Not the kind that make a nice drink, but the sex kind.
"…I hate myself.
"There are several different types of lemons we'll be talking about today. And without further ado, let's get into it and define some terms we'll be using."
-[Lemon #1: Pairing Based]-
Camilla felt Corrin's lips on hers. Her breath caught as she closed her eyes. Her hands pulled Corrin closer to her, hands running down his smooth back. Corrin gasped and broke their kiss. Camilla opened her eyes to see his hungry look.
His hand found her breast. A soft moan escaped as he squeezed it, before he recaptured her mouth with his. She snagged his bottom lip with her teeth and bit down softly.
Camilla could feel Corrin's moan more than she heard it. His free hand trailed down her stomach, giving her goosebumps as his fingers traveled lower, lower, lower.
Corrin broke their kiss as he slipped a finger inside of her, watching Camilla's face blossom with pleasure.
"Oh man, do I love analyzing the way I fuck my wife.
"Anyway, awkwardness for me aside, our first type of lemon we're examining is the Pairing Lemon. This is where the focus of the lemon is the most centered on romance for the reader. The sex is all very vanilla (Read: Traditional) and not the real focus of the piece.
"Okay, that's not all together true. But these types of lemons get clicked on because of the pairing. Your audience isn't craving crazy sexcapades, they just want to see their favorite couple get it on.
"In lemons, word choice is everything. You're words are so carefully scrutinized that a single slip-up takes a reader out of the experience. For a Pairing Lemon, stick to words that have happy connotations. But don't get too flowery. You're not planting a garden, you're describing carnal human desires.
"Okay, enough about that. What's next…
"Ah, fuck."
-[Lemon #2: Kink Based]-
"Close your eyes," Camilla whispered against his ear. Corrin shivered as he did as he was told. He could hear his wife fumbling with something and he bit his lip with excitement.
Her hands gripped his shoulders and pressed him down against the bed. He didn't resist.
"Keep them closed," she purred. Corrin opened his mouth for a witty remark but let out a moan as Camilla slid a finger into his ass.
She was gentle, caring. Careful not to hurt her partner, Camilla slid her finger in and out slowly, just a bit deeper each time. Corrin's moans grew.
Then she pulled the finger out. Corrin blinked his eyes open to see Camilla standing over him, around her waist a harness with a phallic object attached.
"Oh fuck." Corrin's whisper turned into a moan as Camilla entered him.
"Still with me?
"Well, if you weren't aware before, that's pegging. Try it sometime. Camilla's great at it.
"Anyway, this is a Kink Lemon. A lemon that's based solely around a kink(s). Unlike the Pairing Lemon, the pairing in these types of lemons is mostly irrelevant. The reader isn't searching for a romantic moment between two specific characters, they're looking for a specific kink that the writer fulfills.
"This will alienate audiences depending on what you pick. The more extreme the kink, the less people will read. I also recommend that writing a Kink Lemon when you haven't experienced it isn't a great idea for beginners. You want to have that fallback experience for the kink so you can really communicate how it feels.
"Your word choice is again critical. But this time you have to make sure to adjust per the kink. With pegging, acknowledging the pain and describing it is okay. That's part of that reality. Or maybe it's feet, in that case you better get your language hat on to describe just how those feet are.
"Despite walking barefoot everywhere, I am not into feet. Just want to make it known."
-[Lemon #3: Fantasy Based]-
"Camilla, someone is going to hear," Corrin said through a moan. It didn't stop her lips traveling down his shaft as her hand cupped his balls.
They were stuck in a closet in the barracks. Someone was outside in the room, bumbling around. Corrin bit his lip, forcing a moan back.
Camilla seemed to notice his resistance and doubled down. She pushed the entire length of him within her mouth.
Corrin let out a gasp and let a hand fall down to the back of her head, lightly pushing her closer as her head bobbed back and forth.
His moan was ragged when Camilla pinched his ass.
"Yeah, that wasn't something I was ready to explain to Silas. But guess what happened next.
"Anyway, this is our third type: the Fantasy Lemon. This is where the where and the why are the most important. Some people, such as me, like the fear of getting caught. It makes it all the more exciting. Is this a kink? Yes, but it's such a broad category that I've grouped it separately.
"So here setting is everything. In this specific example, it's about will they get caught? The answer is no, nine times out of ten, but it's all your ability in writing to make an audience think that they will in order to get them, the audience, excited.
"So there are lemons where pairing is key, where the kink is key and where the setting/method are key. And then we have one more type that we'll include.
"This was…ah, something of an experiment on my part."
-[Lemon #4: Not Heterosexual]-
"Oh, this is simply divine," Niles crowed as he raked his finger nails down Corrin's back. Corrin's breath quickened, as did his speed up and down Niles' shaft.
The pain. It felt good. Corrin buckled forward and Niles took over, thrusting up and into Corrin with far more vigor than the noble scion ever could.
Niles snared Corrin's lips in his, biting down to draw blood. Corrin surrendered, not even giving the allusion of fighting back. He could feel Niles' grin through the kiss.
A hand wrapped around his neck and pushed him back onto the bed. Corrin's eyes focused on Niles looming over him, still thrusting. Corrin reached a hand up and stroked Niles' cheek.
Niles responded by biting one of Corrin's fingers.
"Yeah, well, it felt good. Experimentation is fun.
"So this is our last grouping of lemons: any lemon that doesn't involve a heterosexual pairing. These lemons can be any of the previous three as well, but as soon as you put a pairing in that isn't straight (i.e. Gay, lesbian, trans, etc.) that audience will no doubt change.
"It's not a major thing. But it's something to consider. Chances are that some people who read Niles fucking my brains out are not the same as the ones who would read Camilla fucking my brains out.
"So where does that leave us? Well, I've showed you some basic examples of lemons. These are by no means stellar. But they convey the point of what to shoot for based on what the audience wants.
"So allow me to break down a few things that can change a lemon from what it's intended to laughable.
"Here's what not to do."
-[Tips for Writing Lemons]-
"Ugh!" Camilla screamed. She had taken Corrin's long ten inch cock into her pussy and it felt good.
"I'M CUMMING!" he screamed back.
"Okay, I need to chime in already. There are so many things wrong here that we need to address.
"First, vocals. Do NOT describe how a character sounds during sex. It's pathetic and amateurish. Simply say that a character screams, and the audience knows what to imagine.
"Also do not use caps. It's a trivial way to show shouting.
"Next, we don't need to know how long my, that is, Corrin's, cock is. The audience will not imagine me having a small cock. The audience doesn't necessarily want to imagine me with a huge cock. Let the audience envision what they want to, less is more. Also, so many lemons have the only descriptor of the male body be the length of his penis. Give me the muscles, the toned figure. There's a lot that can be sexy about a man.
"And that brings me to word choice. Be careful what words you pick. Describing something as 'good'? No dice. Give me something vivid, something that really speaks to how it feels. If you use passive language or repetitious language, your audience will not be getting hot under the collar. They'll flip through and think, "I'm not even aroused."
Camilla moaned loudly and Corrin came. His hands squeezed her breasts, drawing another moan. Camilla already began moving up and down, starting round two.
"Back again! Always remember there are more things that hands can do that be on a woman's breasts or her ass. Trail them up her body, explore everything. If you can make a reader feel they're there, mission accomplished.
"Moaning is good. Variety is better. Make sure not to overuse words like 'moan' or 'screamed'. These have their place when used sparingly."
Corrin body contorted as he leaned up and kissed his wife. She didn't stop taking his massive schlong in its entirety.
"I can't do it anymore. Fuck this, I quit.
"Before I go, one last lesson. There's a fine line between what you can and can't do in a lemon in terms of realism. It's completely okay to have your characters keep going at it consistently for long periods of time even though the male body cannot orgasm that quickly, it needs to recharge. People won't like being reminded of that shortcumming, so it's okay to overlook.
"But having me bang Camilla while riding on her wyvern above the clouds? Dangerous. Not possible. That snaps an audience out.
"Well, I did my job here. I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife and try to forget this traumatic experience."
Author Notes: Is this even fanfiction anymore.
Fuck it, I worked hard on this. No regrets. Ball is in your court, Cookie/Hammer. I did it. Your turn to do something ridiculous.
Also I reiterate, I WAS NOT QUALIFIED TO WRITE THIS but I did it anyway so fuck it. And some of this advice can work in your sex lives. Experiment. Don't be afraid to try something. And ask each other what you like, what makes you feel good. It's gonna be a way better experience if there's communication about that.
And I meant that part about describing men. Like, I'm bi, I want to hear more about the guy than just his dick.
That's my two cents. I'm gonna go forget I ever wrote this.