I dunno what this is, just something I wrote because I always have adored crack fics. I also love anything about Naruto, Sasuke, or Kiba's families, such hearty fun you can have. This was inspired by a couple of skits on family goodtimes I watched on youtube and it's meant to be funny so hopefully it comes off as such.
Don't take anything too seriously in this. Just enjoy yourself like I did writing it. :)
Uchiha family belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, not me.
"Would you like more tea, dear?" A feminine voice said sweetly, the liquid-filled kettle coming into view to an older man's right.
"Mm," Fugaku replied, using just just his right index finger to nudge over his empty glass. His dark eyes, framed by wrinkles didn't lift from the financial journal in his hands.
Mikoto tipped the kettle to pour her husband more beverage, however most of it ended up on her husband as the front door exploded open. She scuttled backwards from the sudden aura of doom surrounding Fugaku as she heard the footsteps in the other room pause, possibly the intruders removing their shoes before the thundering continued with two boys stampeding into the kitchen.
Though both immediately paused, dark eyes impossibly wide as they stared up at their father, standing tall and foreboding from where he'd shot up from his seat. Heated liquid obviously staining his wrinkle-free khakis.
"Y'see..we..didn–" Shisui started, but was cut off by his enraged dad.
"What do ay think this is, huh? A theme park?" Fugaku shouted, stepping forward and pushing up his sleeves.
"Now, now, honey. Calm down," Mikoto chided, wrapping her arms around her spouse from behind and having to actually use most of her strength to hold him back.
Itachi ducked behind Shisui who backed up a little, "Sorry, daddy, but we just had to get inside fast!" He turned around to dig in his messenger bag, retrieving a pair of very seductive, lacy red panties. He held them out in a sort of awed reverence. "We found these on the front step!"
A blood vessel was suddenly very prominent in the elder Uchiha's temple, eyes promising bloody vengeance. He ripped away from his wife and yanked up the offending undergarments, glowering down at his eldest son while backing him into a corner. "Eh? And why would you wave these out in the open, huh? Warping Itachi's mind, huh? Do you have no shame?"
Mikoto pulled the second child from the two, shielding him as he glanced from around her apron. "Honey..Honey!"
"Y-you don't understand! I–" Shisui stopped, swallowing hard as the collar of his school uniform was grabbed.
"You don't understand!" Fugaku shouted before he was tugged backwards rather violently by his supposedly frail wife. A slight furrow to her brows the only indication that is was her that had just wrenched her husband backwards.
"Calm down, dear," she stated in a sweet voice before leaning to speak in Shisui's ear. Her voice was rough and contrasted to anything the boy'd heard come out of his mother before, "You need to watch yourself today. He's in a bad mood."
"Yes, momma," Shisui replied, wide eyes looking up at her warily.
"Itachi, stop lurking behind things like an imp," she scolded softly, guiding the boy from behind a book shelf.
Fugakue stepped back up to Shisui, holding up the panties, "So where did you get these? How?" Mikoto instantly went over to her eldest son's rescue, guiding her spouse back to his seat at the table. "Settle down, dear," she said with a sweet smile. Then she dusted her apron and turned the smile to the two of her sons present. "So what happened, sweetie?"
"Well..uh," Shisui started, looking from his father to his mother. Then Itachi stepped forward, "I was walking up to the house to get a bandaid since I fell earlier." The boy lifted his leg to show off the wound.
A chair flew backwards as Fugaku stood, stalking over to Shisui, "What?! How could you let that happen? And why does he still not have a bandaid?! Huh? Huh?!" He was tugged backwards by his wife again, but kicked a leg towards the oldest a couple of times who flinched and backed away slightly. "Dear! Sweetie! Calm down!" Mikoto raised her soft voice as she yanked her husband back to his seat after righting his chair.
"Itachi, honey, you should have brought that up sooner," she said with a smile, leaning slightly to address her son.
"Yeah, but it wasn't a big deal," Itachi replied, wiping at his nose messily. "Yeah, but then, we walked up and saw it by an old rag and I picked up. 'Hey! It's panties!' Then Shisui came up and we decided to show you guys."
Fugaku pushed back the seat calmly this time, getting up and walking up to Shisui in a slight swagger, "..why didn't you take them away from him? Why'd you let him soil his hands?" Itachi leaped back, an amused tug to his lips.
"Well I di–"
"Huh? Huh?" Fugaku got louder with every word, leaning in closer. Mikoto scurried over and pushed him away. "Go sit down, dear. Go on. Before you scare Itachi," after shooing her husband away again she turned to Shisui.
"What'd I say about making your father angry?" she asked, an ominous glint in her eyes.
"I'm sorry, momma. I'll stop," Shisui conceded, holding his hands up. Itachi stuck his tongue out and Shisui shot him a quick glare that thankfully neither parent saw.
"What's all this racket?" a strained voice called from the hall.
"Ahh! It's grampah! Run!" Itachi shouted, crawling under the table. Shisui followed him until he was yanked up by an unimpressed Mikoto. "Don't frighten your grandfather, you might give him a heartattack." He sighed and walked back over to the wall.
"Good afternoon, dad," Mikoto greeted with a smile.
"Ehh, whatever," Madara replied, using his cane to help him get to his seat. His feet slid across the linoleum a few times before he finally made it. He gave everyone else in the room a proper glower.
"Wahh, Grampah's eyes are so scary!" Itachi called from where he was peeking over the table, though a smile was on his face. He got his hair ruffled by his mom, the woman whispering about how cute he was.
"Why doesn't he ever get called out on things like that," Shisui muttered under his breath.
Apparently Fugaku Uchiha had supersonic hearing. He sat up from the chair, pulling it with him as he brandished it like a weapon. "What'd you say? He's a senior citizen and should be respected!"
Mikoto was behind him, tugging at his clothing as she called his name over and over again.
"I didn't–I wasn't even talking about–" Shisui said, startled.
"None of these kids no anything about manners," Madara grumbled from his spot.
"Shut up, father!" Both Mikoto and Fugaku spoke up.
"You just–" Shisui started up, before shutting his mouth again.
"You better stop getting so fresh with me, before I teach you respect the hard way!" Fugaku continued ranting, still getting tugged on by his wife.
"Honey! Stop it!" she said, pretty features momentarily marred as she violently yanked her husband back, making him drop the chair he was holding. She guided him back to stand away from Shisui.
"So who's are these?" Itachi asked from where he was poking at the silky fabric from the table.
Instantly silence filtered into the room, heads turning towards the sole female who looked up in exasperated surprise. "What?! No! Those aren't mine! I definitely wouldn't have left them out on the porch!"
"Not like you haven't before," Madara muttered. Instantly Mikoto was across the table, smacking him across the back of the head.
"Well they definitely aren't mine," Fugaku stated.
"I bet they're Shisui's!" Itachi accused, throwing the underwear at his older brother. "Eww girlie panties!" He teased and pointed.
"I bet they're yours!" Shisui retaliated, throwing them back at his brother.
"Hey! What're you doing to Itachi?" Fugaku roared, getting back up from the new seat he'd taken. He jabbed a finger at Shisui's chest, "Huh? You trying to injure him?"
"What? I–No!" Shisui offered in his defense. Thankfully Mikoto was already on top of pulling her husband from him.
"No fighting in this family please! We're supposed to love each other," she explained, almost getting her husband back to his seat.
Itachi kicked at Shisui and threw the panties back, snickering.
"Yeah, serves you right," Fugaku offered childishly, leaning over Mikoto to point at his oldest son who just stood there confused.
"Gimme those panties. I want to feel young again!" Madara rasped, reaching across the table.
"Stop it, dad," Mikoto stated, popping his head again and making him smack his forehead on the table. He went limp across it.
"What just happened?" the other three spoke up in intervals.
"N-nothing. I have no idea what just happened," Mikoto answered nervously, straightening her apron. "Umm..these panties. Maybe they're a neighbor's?"
"What kind of neighbor leaves something like that on our doorstep?" Fugaku spoke up. "They had to have come from inside this house."
"You guys are so noisy," came a small voice from the stairs. The youngest Uchiha, Sasuke, joining the rest in the kitchen.
"They've gotta be Sasuke's!" The two older brothers spoke and pointed in unison.
"What?" the young boy put on a scowl, just as his father rushed by.
"Now you're targeting your other brother too?!" Fugaku growled, picking up the closest chair before Mikoto forced it back down, then again as he tried to grab it once more before giving up.
"What? Why is it just me?" Shisui questioned loudly.
Mikoto yanked her husband back again. Madara raised from the table, "Fucking gorilla woman–" before getting pushed against it again by the mentioned female and returning to la-la land.
Fugaku continued berating Shisui–"I will not tolerate your perverted whims in this household–" while Itachi teased the older boy, dancing around the table. All of it was so loud and chaotic and the tiny body who'd just entered couldn't take anymore of it.
"Shut the fuck up!" he shouted as loud as he could, young voice breaking a little from the strain. "I just came down to get a glass of water!" He took a few deep breathes afterwards, glaring at all of his relatives who just stared curiously back. Even Madara had regained consciousness long enough.
"Of course, sweetie, go right ahead," Mikoto said with a sweet smile. Everyone paused in time as the youngest weaved through them to fix himself a drink at the fridge then calmly settled down at the table.
His big, dark eyes roved over them all before he started to take a drink.
"Those panties are so yours," Itachi spoke up.
Sasuke spewed out what little liquid he had in his mouth.