Well, I was listening to the song 'There! Right There!" from the Legally Blonde musical on repeat, and I suddenly thought it would be funny to have a SH version. So I wrote this, with the lyrics interwoven. I have changed some of the lyrics to help it fit better, though.
As to the setting... this can take place at a dinner or party of some sort. This is pretty much AU though, because I doubt all these characters would be at such a setting together.
So, a very light-hearted fanfic - please don't take it seriously! And I recommend listening to the song while reading this. Please enjoy!
"I couldn't believe it when Watson said he wanted to wait to set a date for the wedding," Mary said distractedly. "He was so keen to get engaged, and now... now I hardly ever see him! He just spends all his time with Holmes."
Clarke chuckled. "As long as they're solving cases for us," he smiled, not noticing the pained look on Lestrade's face.
"What if it's something else?" Irene commented, watching Holmes idly as she swirled her glass of champagne. Then she grinned, pointing to Holmes as he brushed his hand against Watson's. "There! Right There!" She crowed, pointing. "Look at that tan, that tinted skin. Look at the killer shape he's in. Look at that slightly stubbly chin." She paused, turning to the others triumphantly. "Oh, please, he's gay, totally gay!"
The others all stared in surprise.
"Holmes, gay?" Lestrade frowned. "Well, I'm not about to celebrate. Every trait could indicate the totally straight expatriate. This guy's not gay, I say, not gay."
"That is the elephant in the room," Irene concluded, resting her chin in her hand. "Well, is it relevant to assume that a man who wears perfume
is automatically radically fey?"
Lestrade blinked. "Holmes wears perfume?"
"He take great delight in examining mine," Irene responded.
"But look at his coiffed and crispy locks," Clarke couldn't help saying.
"Look at his silk translucent socks," Irene added, delighted to have someone on her side.
"There's the eternal paradox," Lestrade sighed. "But look what we're seeing."
Irene turned to him. "Okay then, what are we seeing?"
"Is he gay?" Lestrade replied, answering a question with a question.
"Of course he's gay!" Irene exclaimed, a slight tone of annoyance in her voice.
Lestrade smirked as he dropped the bombshell. "Or is he... European?"
"Ohhhh..." Everyone at the table glanced at one another.
"Gay or European?" Clarke asked, trying out the question.
Mary shrugged. "It's hard to guarantee." She glanced at Holmes, who was still talking intimately to Watson. "Is he gay or European?"
"Well, hey, don't look at me." Mycroft sat down heavily at the table. "Holmes may be my brother, but he has visited foreign countries a lot. Maybe he picked something up?"
Mary was busy explaining to Clarke. "You see they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports. They play peculiar sports."
"In shiny shirts and tiny shorts," Irene added. "So is he gay or foreign fella?"
"The answer could take weeks," Mary answered. "Although I've heard they will say things like "ciao bella"while they kiss you on both cheeks."
"Oh, please. Holmes has never done that to anyone." Irene tossed the suggestion aside.
"Gay or European?" Lestrade mused. "So many shades of gray."
"Depending on the time of day, the French go either way," Mycroft couldn't help saying. "And Holmes does speak French."
"So, is he gay or European?" Clarke asked again, confused.
Mary glanced towards Holmes as he turned away from Watson. Her eyes brightened. "There! Right There!" She exclaimed. "Look at that condescending smirk, I've seen it on every guy at work." She glanced at the others as she continued "That is a metro hetero jerk. That guy's not gay, I say no way!"
"That is the elephant in the room," Irene said again, rolling her eyes. "Well, is it relevant to presume that a hottie in that costume is automatically-radically -"
"Ironically chronically," Lestrade added.
"Certainly pertinently," Mary chipped in.
"Genetically medically," Mycroft continued.
"Gay, officially gay!" They all chimed in unison, pleased with their accomplishment.
Clarke gestured towards Holmes. "Think again."
The group turned. Indeed, Holmes appeared to now be flirting with a pretty young woman.
"Dammit!" Irene cursed in a very un-ladylike way, causing all present to stare at her. "So, is he gay or European?"
"So stylish and relaxed," Lestrade noted.
"But is he gay or European?" Irene repeated, annoyed.
Lestrade shrugged, then leaned forward and whispered "I think his chest is waxed."
Mary leaned back in her chair. "But they bring their boys up different there, it's culturally diverse. It's not a fashion curse if he wears a kilt or bears a purse."
They all glanced questioningly at Irene, who replied "Well, he has dressed in drag before."
"Gay or just exotic? I still can't crack the code!" Clarke said in despair.
"Yet his accent is hypnotic," Mycroft broke in, nodding. "But his shoes are pointy toed."
"Huh." Lestrade glanced at Holmes's shoes. "Gay or European? So many shades of gray."
"But if he turns out straight, I'm free at eight on Saturday," Irene smirked, draining her glass.
"Is he gay or European?" Mary asked.
"Gay or European?" Mycroft echoed.
"Gay or Euro-" Lestrade started to say when he was interrupted by Clarke.
"Wait a minute!" The young police inspector said excitedly. "Give me a chance to crack this guy. I have an idea I'd like to try."
Lestrade shrugged. "The floor is yours."
Clarke stood up, strolling confidently over to Holmes. Loudly and clearly, so the others could hear, he began "So Mr Holmes ... This alleged affair with Ms. Ardler has been going on for...?"
Holmes stared at him. "Well, if you must know, a fair few years now."
"Right, right." Clarke nodded. "And your first name again is...?"
"Sherlock," Holmes replied, a touch impatiently.
"And your boyfriend's name is...?" Clarke asked immediately.
"Watson," Holmes replied promptly.
Everyone gasped, and Mary clasped a hand to her cheek in horror. Watson, who had been standing on the other side of the room, sharply turned his head towards them.
Holmes immediately realised what he'd just said. "I'm sorry! I misunderstand," he laughed uneasily, quickly corrected himself. "You said boyfriend.
I thought you said best friend. Watson is my best friend."
"You bastard!" Watson suddenly exploded, storming over. He shoved Holmes backwards, glowering. "You lying bastard! That's it. I'm not going to cover for you anymore!"
He turned to the rest of the room. "People!" He announced. "I have a big announcement to make."
Everyone leaned in eagerly apart from Mary, who was still recovering from the revelation that her fiance was cheating on her with Holmes.
Watson pointed accusingly at Holmes as he declared "This man is gay and European!"
"No!" His audience collectively gasped.
Watson turned to Holmes. "You've got to stop being a completely closet case!"
"But I'm not -" Holmes protested.
Watson continued, drowning out Holmes's voice. "No matter what he say, I swear he never ever ever swung the other way!"
He rounded on Holmes again. "You're so gay, you big parfait! You flaming boy band cabaret..."
"I'm straight!" Holmes said, his tone panicky.
Watson smirked, causing Holmes to cringe. "You were not yesterday. So if I may," he continued, once more directing to his words to the others. "I'm proud to say, he's gay!"
"And European!" Irene and Mycroft added.
"He's gay!" Watson repeated louder.
"And European!" Clarke joined in happily.
Watson grinned at Holmes's obvious discomfort. "He's gay!"
"And European," the others all crowed, "and gay!"
Holmes ran a hand through his hair, then suddenly grinned with relief. "Fine, okay - I'm gay!" He grabbed Watson's shoulders and kissed him roughly.
Everyone apart from Mary (who had fainted) cheered. "Hooray!"