Edward: Interview With The Vampire
Me: Hello, Edward. Take a seat. *lights cigar*
Edward: Thanks. Me: So tell me, Edward. The question we've all been dying to know. How do you make your skin so pale?
Edward: ...
Me: I mean, I've tried everything. Powder, baby powder, milk powder, powdered milk, snow, ice, rain, sun... how do you do it?
Edward: Well, you see, I'm a vampire.
Me: ...oh. Well that's fun.
Edward: Yes.
Me: *awkward silence*
Me: So tell me, Edward. Do you smoke?
Edward: No.
Me: *waiting for further explanation*
Me: Okay. So tell me, Edward. What's your favorite food?
Edward: I don't eat.
Me: Oh. So tell me, Edward. Have you seen a therapist or a doctor to help you?
Edward: With what?
Me: Your.. bulimic issues.
Edward: I'm not bulimic. I'm a vampire.
Me: Edward, you can't keep using that as an excuse. You're going to die if you don't eat.
Edward: I can't digest food.
Me: Sure you can.
Edward: And I'm also immortal.
Me: *chuckling* Aren't we all?
Edward: (?)
Me: So tell me, Edward. What is the best place you've ever gone to eat?
Edward: I don't eat.
Me: No, but imagine that we scoot away from your bulimia nonsense. What if you did eat? Where would you go?
Edward: Somewhere with class, I guess.
Me: McDonalds. Good choice. So tell me, Edward. Do you have any kids?
Edward: I can't have any.
Me: Ah. Is it her or you?
Edward: I don't produce bodily fluids.
Me: Well, you drink blood and you're fully capable of getting a hard-on, Breaking Dawn taught us that much.
Edward: So you picked up the fact that I can get an erection - even though it's completely blacked out - but you haven't understood that I'm a vampire?
Me: Whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute - you do have a kid! That Ren
Edward: Renesmee.
Me: Right. So if you don't produce bodily fluids, she wouldn't be alive. And what on Earth made you choose the name Renaya?
Edward: Renesmee is a beautiful name.
Me: Yeah, and the only beauty that counts is the one inside.
Edward: You're so vain.
Me: Wait. You shouldn't even be able to have an orgasm.
Edward: You'd think so.
Me: I mean, unless your semen is some sort of magical 100 year old potion which makes whoever you impregnate grow at super-duper speed... how do you do it?
Edward: Nobody knows.
Me: Huh. So tell me, Edward. Are the rumors true?
Edward: Are what rumors true?
Me: *leaning forward and whispering* That you sparkle.
Edward: *irritated* Okay, I do not sparkle. I reflect.
Me: Edward?
Edward: Yes?
Me: That's stupid.
Edward: My sincere apologies.
Me: So tell me, Edward. Dominant or Submissive?
Edward: Oh, definitely dominant. I can't stand when people try to push me around, the only person I actually let is Bella and she -
Me: First of all Edward, and pardon my french - screw Bella Swan. Second of all, I don't think we're on the same page here.
Edward: *confused* What do you mean?
Me: *sighing* I mean, that would you rather be a Dominant or a Submissive?
Edward: When you..?
Me: In the bedroom.
Edward: Is it just me or is this interview heading south? *sigh*
Me: It sure is. *smirking*
Edward: *glaring* Neither. When I make love I want both participants to be just as much in control as the other.
Me: Oh, come on! You're such a pansy.
Edward: *smiles sheepishly*
Me: Fine. You just stay there and keep sparkling.
Edward: There is a fine line between sparkling and refl-
Me: We've only got 5 questions to go. Are you done sparkling yet, or can we carry on?
Edward: You really get on my nerves sometimes.
Me: I try. And do you even have nerves?
Edward: Yes, but they're dead.
Me: Huh.
Edward: Yeah. My organs don't just get washed away in the transformation.
Me: No kidding? So tell me, Edward. Where does all the blood you drink go?
Edward: Well... *smirks and looks down*
Me: Nice. *grinning* So tell me, Edward. How you doin'?
Edward: *cocking an eyebrow*
Me: Right. So tell me, Edward. Since you don't digest anything, how do you go to the bathroom?
Edward: I don't.
Me: Constipation. Nice.
Edward: I'm physically incapable of being constipated.
Me: You should be physically incapable of having a child.
Edward: Well played.
Me: Thanks. So, we're down to 3 more questions.
Edward: Good.
Me: You hurt me, Edward.
Edward: My sincere apologies, yet again.
Me: Since apologies accepted. So tell me, Edward. What did you last dream about?
Edward: *sighing* I don't dream.
Me: Oh no, actually we all do, it's just that we don't remember them most of the time, and -
Edward: I'm physically incapable of dreaming.
Me: What? What good does that do? Did nature decide, 'hey, I'm not going to let Edward Cullen dream because then he might try to accomplish goals! Boo!".
Edward: Charming. And I'm physically incapable of sleeping, not just dreaming.
Me: My God, can't you do anything?
Edward: I'm a man of many talents, actually.
Me: There you go getting me all flustered again.
Edward: You've just got your mind in the gutter. Don't get your panties in a bunch.
Me: I don't think your wife would appreciate you flirting with me and talking about my panties.
Edward: Whatever.
Me: Nice. So tell me, Edward. We're down to 2 questions. Have you seen Titanic?
Edward: I have, actually.
Me: How did it make you feel when Jack died?
Edward: I didn't exactly feel anything.
Me: You cold, heartless monster!
Edward: That's like telling a suicidal person to go kill themselves. Not funny.
Me: You're right, we're getting off track here. Okay, so my last question is... hm... What is your opinion on The Lion King?
Edward: I very much enjoyed The Lion King.
Me: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
Edward: Funny.
Me: Edward, we should get together and watch The Lion King trilogy. How cool would that be?
Edward: Very cool.
Me: Well, this was fun. Good luck with your constipation and erection problem.
Edward: Excuse me, but I thought we cleared up where the blood goes. I don't have erectile disfunction.
Me: Actions speak louder than words.
Edward: Since when have you ever witnessed me struggling with an erection?
Me: Since when have I not? *rolls eyes*
Edward: You're too dirty for my taste.
Me: And you are deliciously sweet with a hint of salt. And you're really cold too.
Edward: (?)