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This story I wrote just for my good friend Mita! I love you, gurl! Thanx for all your encouragement for me to get back to my writing! You're the best!
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Title: Bring Me To Life
Author: LMS
Pairing: Buffy/Spike
Rating: PG-13 some nudity mentioned, love scene where characters remove clothing.
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Evanescence - Bring Me To Life

How can you see into my eyes, like open doors. Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb. Without a soul my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold until you find it there and lead it back home.

Buffy threw one vampire against a tombstone and kicked a second in the jaw. A third vampire jumped on her back and held on tight as she did her best to shake him off. Finally bringing her head back into his face, she pushed a fourth away with her foot. Both vampires hit the ground.

The first vampire had recovered from the tombstone blow and now attacked again. Buffy landed a punch on his jaw and a kick to his groin bringing him down. With one swift motion she brought her stake down into his heart and turned her attention back to the second and third vampires who had regrouped and were now coming straight for her. With a smooth combination of punches and high kicks, the two were on the ground and in the way of Buffy's stake.

Hearing a growl Buffy turned her head to the fourth vampire which was almost on top of her. Buffy rolled to the right and jumped to her feet waiting for the vampire to come after her again. Sure enough the vamp stopped himself and headed straight for her. Stake in hand, Buffy crossed her arms and waited.

Another vampire came out from behind a large statue of an angel and Buffy sighed. Not again! Before the slayer could object, the vampire beside the statue threw a stake into the heart of the oncoming vampire. Dust.

Dammit, Spike! Why can't you go find your own cemetery to slay in? Stay out of mine! Buffy huffed.

Spike lit a cigarette. Calm down, slayer, no need to get your panties in a twist. I just thought I'd give you a little help is all.

Spike, I don't need your help! What I need is for you to stay away from me! You think that now, because you have a chip in your head, you can join the gang and get it on with the slayer? Well think again, Spike! You are a vampire! I am the slayer! You and I will never happen! So get over it! And if you get in my way again I will stake you! With another huff Buffy turned and headed for the cemetery exit.

Have a bad day? Spike asked behind her. When she didn't stop or say anything, he sighed. I was only trying to help. I figured you could use some after having such a rough day. Spike shrugged.

Buffy had stopped walking and now she turned to face Spike. What the hell are you talking about? Are you spying on me?

In broad sunlight? Oh you must be joking! I don't need to spy on you, pet. Just look at you! I've seen you fight on good days and bad. This one was bad.

Buffy opened her mouth to object but Spike cut her off.

You're tense. You don't move like you want to fight. You move like you want to be left alone. I can hear your heartbeat from here--your heart will burst out of your chest if it beats any faster! It doesn't beat that fast from a fight. Yours never has. Your eyes, they're tired. You didn't get much sleep last night. But then, couldn't really blame you for that could I? It was about two years before I finally got a somewhat decent night's sleep, or in my case day's sleep. All those damn nightmares and such--it's a bloody wonder any of us are actually still standing, dead or not! Spike took a drag of his cigarette giving Buffy some time to let it sink in. He saw her mouth tighten and he knew what was coming.

I don't need your help, Spike. The only thing I need from you is for you to leave me alone. Buffy turned and began to walk away.

Wot? Am I not bloody good enough for you? Spike called after her.

Buffy said nothing, she just kept walking.

Angel was a vampire and he was good enough for you! Spike yelled after her.

Buffy stopped dead in her tracks but didn't turn around.

You two went at it like a couple of animals in heat! Spike continued. So don't tell me I'm not good enough! I'm better than he was!

You will never be good enough for me, Spike, or better than Angel. Angel I loved, you I hate.

Is that why he left you, then? Because he loved you? You're not fooling me, slayer. It kills you inside that he left because of you. You know he left because you were no longer good enough for him, and it eats at your insides!

Without another thought, Buffy continued walking. It had been a hard day and she was tired.

Spike took a drag on his cigarette and then looked at it with disgust. Throwing it to the ground he turned and wandered back into the night.

(Wake me up. Wake me up inside. I can't wake up. Wake me up inside. Save me. Call my name and save me from the dark. Wake me up. Bid my blood to run. I can't wake up. Before I come undone. Save me. Save me from the nothing I've become.)

Buffy kept walking. She didn't know where she was going but she had to get away from Spike. What did he know? Who did he think he was? How dare he just show up and help her without permission! She was the slayer! She dusted vampires, she didn't ask them for help. Angel was a vampire. She had accepted his help. And look where it left me!

Buffy knew, as much as she hated to admit it, Spike was different. He could read her. He knew her. How? She didn't know. But he did. He knew everything about her, could see right through her. To him she was transparent, an open book begging to be read. Angel could never do that. For a moment, Buffy almost thought Spike actually cared. Yeah, they had had their one night stands, but that's all they were! They weren't in love. Just a couple of people trying to work their frustration out. It worked so far.

I love you, Buffy.

Buffy shook her head. He was a vampire, what did he know about love? She was the slayer! She didn't love vampires, she killed them.

You didn't kill Angel. Yes I did! But he was evil. You had to kill him! You didn't want to do it.

Shut up!

Buffy felt tears trying to force their way to her eyes. She took a deep breath and forced the emotion back inside her, down to the pit of her stomach. This whole conflict going on inside of her was not normal! Vampires. Slayers. Slayers kill vampires!

Buffy saw the cemetery exit and kept going. Out of the cemetery she went. Past the mansion. Past her house. Past the school. She walked. Everywhere. She had to get away from him. Away from the thought of him. Why did he bother her so much? Buffy swallowed a tear. Because I need him.

***

Spike slammed the door to his crypt, stopped, then turned and opened it just to slam it again even harder. Chips of rust flew off and hit the dirt floor.

Bloody slayer! Who does she think she is?! I bloody well live here---it's MY cemetery! I can bloody well kill whatever I want to whenever I want! Spike stopped. He sounded like a child.

The vampire chuckled and grabbed a half empty bottle of his new found spirits. He didn't need the slayer. He was a vampire--mean and ferocious! He lived off blood and death! He could take the slayer anytime anyplace! He could make her drown in her own screams! He could--he could---!

Spike gave up. Who was he kidding? He was a vampire simply existing because the slayer had suddenly found herself quite dead and he had kept a promise he made to a lady. That's all it was. Taking a swig out of the bottle, the vampire dropped into an armchair.

Now that I know what I'm without you can't just leave me. Breathe into me and make me real. Bring me to life.

Everything made no sense. She never should have been brought back. She never should have died. She never should have existed. All these years had been a waste. What had she done? Saved the world once or twice? So what? Why did she feel so useless and so---empty?! If she had been so important, then why was everything so blank now?

Suddenly the slayer found herself in the cemetery again. She was right back where she had started. Only a few feet away stood Spike's crypt. Buffy screamed at herself in her head. She turn and ran.

***

Spike took another swig out of his bottle and listened. He knew she was out there. He knew she was begging to be dragged in by her hair. He didn't care. He wasn't supposed to care. He was only supposed to take orders and obey. Isn't that why she wanted him? Because she needed to control something in her life? No. It was more than that. Much more. It was because she was dead inside and so was he.

He heard her breathing quicken, her heart pounding faster and faster until....she was gone.

The shuffling of her retreating feet still in his head, Spike took another swig from his bottle. She would be back. She had nowhere else to go.

(Wake me up. Wake me up inside. I can't wake up. Wake me up inside. Save me. Call my name and save me from the dark. Wake me up. Bid my blood to run. I can't wake up. Before I come undone. Save me. Save me from the nothing I've become.)

Buffy ran and ran until her side ached and her lungs pleaded for air. Thoughts sped through her mind. She wanted something--wanted it desperately! But was it?! Home!

The slayer slowed to a stop and wiped her salty tears from her face. Home. She wanted to go home. That's all she had ever wanted.

Then I'll just go home.

Buffy looked around at the dark street. It was dark and lonely, yet, somehow comforting.

Home. I have to go home.

The slayer nodded in approval of herself and started home. Dawn was there, and Giles. Anya and Xander would still be there with Willow and Tara. Home.

***

Spike took his last swig threw the empty bottle on the ground where it rolled so a stop next to a wall.

Time for some action. Spike stood up and headed for his door. There had to be something bad lurking about for him to slay. And if not, he could always head over to Buffy's and maybe get in a game of rummy with the bit. His night was still young and there was plenty to do! She'll be back before sunrise. The thought fresh in his head, he was gone.

Bring me to life. I've been living a lie There's nothing inside. Bring me to life.

Buffy walked into the living room. Willow and Tara sat cuddled together under a blanket on the couch.

Buffy grinned, Any room for me?

Willow smiled as usual, Uh, yeah! Come on under. It's nice and cozy. The young witch smiled at her female lover.

Tara moved closer to Willow, if that was possible, to make room for Buffy. Where's Spike? Are you two finished patrolling already?

Buffy's smile flickered. Oh, he, uh, decided to go off on his own for a bit. See what he could find in the other cemeteries.

Tara looked puzzled, Didn't he want you to go with him? I-I mean for some back-up?

Buffy ignored the questioning look from Willow and slid under the warm blanket. I decided to come home early and spend time with my friends. Whatcha watchin?

Willow seemed content with the answer and smiled so warmly it gave Buffy tingles.

Um, it's Chocolat. This woman goes to this French town and sells chocolate to people who are unhappy. It's like an exaggeration on the believed notion that chocolate is an aphrodisiac. We just like it because chocolate is so yummy. Tara smiled and laughed lightly.

Buffy watched Johnny Depp on the screen as he danced with some woman. Spike came to mind and she shoved the thought aside. I should go check on Dawn. See what she's doing with her free time.

Oh, she's at a friend's for a sleepover. Tara glanced at Buffy then back to the screen. She asked if she could go and Willow and I didn't think you would mind since it's a Friday night.

Buffy smiled lightly, Nah, I don't mind. She should be able to have some normal fun even though some of us can't. Buffy stopped as her two friends looked at her with puzzled glances. Uh--I-I-mean me. I can't have normal fun because killing vamps isn't normal fun it's just Buffy...fun. Buffy tried a smile and Tara and Willow seemed satisfied and went back to their movie. Buffy frowned behind her friend's backs. I'll just....go...in the kitchen.....and get some snacks.

When neither of the girls responded, Buffy wandered into the kitchen and began looking through cupboards. Finding a small box of chocolate chip cookies, Buffy made her way upstairs. A bath seemed a good idea, and it might help her relax from her slaying....and other distresses.

Buffy started the bath and quickly ran to her room to grab her robe, stopping at the closet to grab a towel on the way. After a few moments, the slayer dropped her clothing and stepped into the warm, soothing water. Immediately she began to feel better and everything from before was washed from her mind.

Mmmmmmm....this is fun stuff. Buffy smiled and closed her eyes. Tonight was going to be better. Then why do I feel so....dead?

***

Spike slammed his fist into the demon's face. The demon howled in pain and tried to retaliate with his own fist. It didn't work, however, for Spike had caught the demon's wrist and snapped it with a sickening crack. The demon fell to his knees screaming in agony as the vampire squeezed the broken wrist.

Sorry, I'm not one for mercy. Next time you decide to eat puppies, remember I'll be--oh bugger this! With one smooth motion Spike broke the demon's neck and threw him to the ground. What a bloody hero I am. Fighting demons with Elton John's fashion sense and a taste for innocent puppies. What'd they ever do to him anyway?

The vampire thought to himself for a second before walking towards another cemetery gate. Tonight had been really dull action-wise and he was aching for a good fight.

Maybe I'll go scare up some kittens and play some poker. Spike lit a cigarette and kept walking. I wonder if Clem knows where I can find a good game.

Frozen inside without your touch, without your love, darling. Only you are the life among the dead.
Buffy fluffed her pillow and pulled back her covers. She wasn't really ready for bed but some sleep might do her some good. Her bath had been quite refreshing, yet she still felt as if she were dead inside. There was no feeling, no thought or emotion inside her and Buffy began to wonder if she had blown herself out or something. It was as if her emotions has shorted out and left her with a hollow yearning to go home. I am home.

Slowly she pulled the covers over her and made herself comfy. The soft pillow hugged her head and she began to feel sleepy. After a few moments of silence in the darkness of her room, thoughts erupted in her head. Thoughts of her and Angel and the wonderful moments they had spent together. Thoughts of their special night together when Buffy had inadvertently turned Angel into his evil twin ego, Angelus. Thoughts of her killing Angelus--no--Angel! It had been Angel. She knew it the moment he returned. Yet, she had still killed him because she was the slayer and it was what she did. Killed.

Blocking the thought, Buffy turned and welcomed sleep. Fresh dreams filled her head where mournful thoughts had been.

***
After what seemed like mere minutes of a pleasurable sleep, Buffy awoke with a start. She had heard something. Slowly, the slayer sat up and turned on the small lamp that sat on the table next to her bed. Pulling the covers off of her, she swung her legs over the bed and stood up.

Grabbing a stake from her dresser, the slayer slowly made her way to the hall. It was dark and she figured it was somewhere near the middle of the night. A silent crash sounded from her room and startled her. Quickly the slayer turned and ran back to her room. Now she could see her curtain floating in a gentle evening breeze. Had she left her window open?

A low growl forced her to turn around. She fought the urge to scream. A hideous monster stood before her in the moonlight, some sort of red liquid oozing from its mouth. The monster was tall and seemed to hover over her. A black cloak hung about its shoulders and stretched to the floor. Its eyes glowed like bright embers of a fire. The moonlight seemed to dance off the strange angles of his face and glisten on his sharp, white teeth, causing Buffy's eyes to see things that weren't there. At least she didn't think they were there. Then it stepped into the light.

A scream escaped from her throat and the slayer quickly ran to hide--somewhere! Anywhere! She had to hide!

***
Spike stared at the slayer's house. The last thing he remembered he had been on his way to find some kittens and a poker game, maybe something to drink as well. Yet here he stood. He couldn't remember if he had known where he was going or if he just passed this way by habit. All he knew is this is where he had ended up.

Lighting a cigarette the vampire thought over what to do. He should leave and find some fun elsewhere, but he felt at home here. No matter how hard he tried to leave, he was stuck here.

It's that bloody slayer! he growled. If I never came to Sunnydale and met that bi----

A scream sounded from the house and Spike threw his cigarette down, bolting for the door.

Spike tried the door but it was locked. For an instant he considered kicking the door in but the slayer had enough money problems as it was without him doing more damage to the already destroyed house. Quickly he searched for another way in. I'm coming, slayer!

While searching around the house, Spike listened for another scream but none came. Terrified that he was too late, the vampire spotted Buffy's bedroom window and, without hesitation, began climbing. In less than a moment he was clambering through her window and landing on her soft carpeted floor.

I'm here Buffy! I came as soon as I-- Spike stared. The slayer sat tearstained in her bed. Her hair was a mess and her make-up was nonexistent. It was obvious she had been sleeping.

Buffy stared back at the vampire with surprise. Finally able to speak she only sniffed, Get out Spike.

Spike just stared. I-I heard a scream. Thought you were in trouble.

I'm fine. Buffy grabbed a tissue from her night table and dabbed at her eyes.

Looks like it, Spike huffed. You sitting there all weepy eyed---yeah you look just fine!

Buffy frowned and sniffled.

Spike looked at his precious slayer in her tears and he softened.

Buffy slowly nodded and blew her nose in her now tattered tissue.

Spike sighed and gingerly stepped towards the bed. I-I can sit up with you until you fall asleep, if you like. Spike pointed to an arm chair in the corner away from the slayer's bed. It may not be comfortable but he was willing to do anything to reassure the slayer that she was all right.

Trying hard to hold back the onrush of tears that threatened to resurface, Buffy grabbed another tissue and finished wiping her nose. I'm fine, thanks.

Spike nodded. Right. I be on my way then. Spike moved for the window but Buffy's sobs stopped him.

Buffy lost the fight with her tears and began to cry, the nightmare still fresh in her mind. Sobs wracked her body much to her dismay. The last thing she wanted to do was turn into a blubbering idiot in front of the vampire! However, her will was not strong enough to hold back the tears any longer.

Much to the slayer's surprise, Spike gently sat on the edge of her bed and, after two or three attempts, finally sat holding her while she cried in his shirt. There there, slayer. It's all right. Nightmare's gone and everything's as it should be. No more reasons for you to fear, luv. I-I'm here. Spike swallowed and hugged her tighter.

Buffy's mind told her to pull away but her body didn't seem to respond. Instead she sat in the vampire's arms and wept.

May I ask what terrified you so? Spike spoke softly and gently moved a strand of blonde hair from Buffy's eyes.

For a moment Buffy hesitated before replying. was all she said.

A nightmare about Angel?

Buffy nodded.

Right then, Spike smiled lightly, Nothing to worry about then. Angel's in L.A. helping the helpless and doing a good job of it. No worries here, luv, just a nightmare is all.

He was a monster, Buffy mumbled.

That was a long time ago, pet. He has a soul now. He's a regular pain in the ass to evil I assure you. Spike contemplated letting the slayer go before he overstepped his boundaries. But she didn't let go so neither did he.

Buffy sniffled once more and let it out. He was a monster. N-Not a vampire, but a real monster. He had horns and everything. He said he came to get back what I had taken from him. Then he came at me---h-he was so horrible! He had blood dripping from his mouth as if--- Buffy stopped and hid her face in Spike's shirt.

As if he had drank from a human, Spike quietly finished for her.

Buffy began to cry again and the vampire held her close. He had no idea what to do for her. Personally, he didn't give a rat's disgusting behind about the bloody pouf! However, the slayer did, and she was what he did care about. He would gladly do anything to make Buffy happy and if sitting there while she soaked his shirt through was the way to make her happy then so be it. After all, when was he going to get another chance to prove himself to her?

I-I'm sorry. Buffy slowly pulled away and dabbed at his soggy shirt with her tissue. You don't have to do this.

Do what? Spike asked.

Do this. Sit here with me while I wash your shirt in my salty and pathetic tears.

Nonsense! I want to. And they aren't pathetic tears, they're reasonable tears. It must have been hard to see him like that even if it was a dream. Spike reached over her and grabbed two more tissues from the box on her night table. Handing them to her he smiled sympathetically.

Buffy smiled,

No worries. It's not like I have much else to do really.

Buffy laughed lightly and dried her eyes with the gifts of tissue. What are you doing here anyway?

I heard you scream and I though--

No, I mean what were you doing at my house to begin with? You can't tell me you heard me all the way to your crypt and then magically appeared here in seconds.

Hey! Never underestimate the magics! Spike replied more seriously than he meant to.

Buffy warned him with a look.

Fine, I was in the neighborhood. Taking an evening walk. The sunlight doesn't do much for my color nowadays.

Buffy rolled her eyes mockingly. And of course you always walk right by my house.

Well actually, funny story that. I was on my way to scare me up some kittens then find a poker game, Spike smiled as Buffy made a sound of disgust, and when I stopped for a cigarette, there was your house. To be perfectly honest, I don't know how I got here but I don't care. It's like this place draws me y'know. Almost like-- Spike stopped himself.

Like? Home? Buffy tried.

Spike grinned, Yeah something like that I guess.

Buffy smiled gracefully and Spike's unbreath caught in his throat. God, she was beautiful!

Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm glad you ended up here. Thank you. Buffy kissed Spike on the cheek and laid her head on his shoulder closing her eyes. It was nice to have a shoulder to cry on even if it was yours.

Well desperate as I am I will take that as a compliment. Spike smiled and placed his arm around her again, leaning over to turn off the lamp. It's my pleasure to make you happy, slayer.

Darkness cradled both vampire and slayer, both knowing the unnatural way of their comfort, neither willing to be the first to step away.

All of this sight. I can't believe I couldn't see Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me

Buffy woke to warm sunlight on her face. Somewhere she heard a bird chirping and she glanced over to her window. Her curtain hung still but the window, she could see, was still open. Suddenly remembering the night before, Buffy sat up and looked to the armchair. It was empty.

Sighing, the slayer rose and walked to her door. Giggles flowed into her room as Buffy stepped into the hall. She guessed that Dawn, Willow, and Tara were already up and starting breakfast. Quickly Buffy stopped in the bathroom, washed the sleep from her eyes, returned to her room to change, and headed downstairs to pancakes.

Dawn was sitting at the kitchen island with Willow laughing at Tara's funny shaped pancakes. Dawn smiled widely as her big sister entered the room. Buffy! You're just in time for some yummy, funny shaped pancakes.

Buffy smiled at her sister, Ooh. Sounds nummy. Keep them coming, Tara. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.

Dawn giggled and sipped her orange juice. Have a good sleep?

Buffy, taken slightly by surprise at the question, cleared her throat and drank some orange juice Willow sat in front of her. Well, you know, the usual nightmares n' stuff. I don't remember falling asleep, but I slept like a baby till I woke up.

Like a baby? Wow! Must've had some special potion to make you sleep that well after one of your nightmares, Willow smiled mockingly.

No potion. Just a good shoulder. At Willow and Dawn's puzzled looks, Buffy covered. Nevermind. Private joke.

Tara placed a plate in front of Buffy. The large pancake looked like a snowman that was melting. Before she could ask, Dawn passed her the syrup and Willow handed her the butter before both dug in to their own funny shapes. Tara joined the trio at the counter with her funny shape.

Willow and I were wondering if you and Dawn wanted to come to the movies with us this afternoon. There's some show on about dogs from another planet. Tara took a bite of her pancake and waited for an answer.

Our treat. Willow chimed.

Dawn smiled widely, Please can we go? I promise I'll do my homework as soon as we get back!

Buffy smiled at her friends and looked at Dawn, Sound like fun, of course you can go.

Thanks, Buffy! Dawn squealed and hopped off her stool to give her big sister a hug.

You not coming? Willow asked concerned.

Nah. I'd love to come, Will, but I'm really not in the mood for space doggies. I thought I'd just hang around here and chill if that's ok with you guys.

Of course. If you want some time to yourself then we understand. Tara smiled reassuringly. Willow and I will hang with Dawn for the afternoon and let you have some peace.

Buffy smiled in thanks and, finishing the last bite of her melty snowman, got up to put her dishes in the sink. Thanks, guys. This means a lot.

We're just glad you're finally relaxing. Willow got up and placed her plate ontop of her friend's in the sink. You being happy makes us all happy. Willow smiled at Buffy.

Buffy nodded and walked towards the door, Well then mucho happiness all round cuz I'm happy and you're happy---ain't we just the happy family!

Dawn smiled and Buffy knew it was the whole family bit that made her do so. Dawn had always needed a real family and as Buffy could see, a family is what Dawn now had.

Well, I'm gonna go walk of them yummy pancakes. I'll see you guys later. Buffy smiled one last time at Dawn and then walked out the kitchen door.

Well, let's get down to some serious movie watching! Willow grinned.

I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems. I've got to open my eyes to everything.

Buffy walked slowly. She didn't really want to walk, she had had to get out of the kitchen and all her smiling friends. She loved them dearly, she really did! She just didn't know how much more giddiness she could take anymore. Life seemed all wrong since she had been brought back. She didn't know if it was the spell or the fact that everything had changed in the short time she'd been gone. The question really was, why did Spike make her feel so good when he was so bad? He made her feel in ways her friends had never done and could not do now. Why?

Veering off to the left Buffy headed for the cemetery. Maybe Spike new the answers she was looking for. Maybe he new more questions she couldn't think of. All Buffy knew is that he would make her feel better. Maybe.

Hardly into the cemetery, Buffy could already feel his presence. A few feet from his crypt, however, she began to feel as if she shouldn't be there. Maybe Spike had been there then left before she arrived. So many maybes.

Buffy sighed and slowly opened the creaky door. Buffy looked around but saw no vampire.

There was no answer and Buffy decided it was best for her to leave. For some reason, however, her feet carried her over to the trap door that led to the lower part of the crypt. What am I doing?! Before she knew it, the slayer reached down and pulled open the door. Almost quietly she jumped down and landed in the lower section. Instinctively Buffy listened for noise and breathing then kicked herself after remembering that vampires didn't breathe.

Buffy spotted the vampire lying on a bed. He was naked as far as she could tell, except for a thin white sheet covering him from the waste down. For some reason the slayer walked closer to the sleeping vampire. His face was still and expressionless. He almost looked innocent in the pale candlelight. Candlelight? Buffy wondered why the vampire lit a candle before he slept. Fire was very dangerous to a vampire, more so than a human.

For a moment the slayer watched the vampire sleep. He seemed so innocent lying there covered in almost nothing. His skin was so smooth looking and white, so white it almost looked like milk. His face was also smooth and serene, at peace. In fact, sleeping he looked dead. Of course he does! He's a vampire! Buffy silently moved closer to the bed and, for some reason, reached out to touch Spike. However, something caught her eye on a shelf beside the bed and instead Buffy moved towards that.

It was a red leather bound book that had caught her eye. Slowly, and keeping an eye on sleeping Spike, Buffy reached for the book. It was fairly new and the pages were fresh and untorn, it was not an old book. Opening it, the slayer was surprised to see a receipt fall from the first page. He paid for it?!? Why would the vampire pay for anything when he could just take whatever he wanted? Buffy flipped through the pages--it was a diary or journal of some sort! Why was Spike keeping a journal? Glancing at the still slumbering vampire, the slayer chose a page and began to read.

I can't help but look at her. She's so beautiful! Why must she suffer so? I try to help her but she won't have it from me. I can understand her feelings towards me, after all I am a vampire. I only wish she could understand how different I have become. I feel no need to be evil, nor do I feel the need to feed. She may think I refrain from my violent ways because of the sodding chip in my head. If only she knew it was she that kept me from my bad behavior, and only she. Her beauty far outshines that of any girl I've ever known. Even Dru is no match for Buffy's sensitive soul and loving touch. The slayer--no--Buffy is hard on the outside but I can see her soul and I know that it is pure. She cares for everyone, family, friends, innocents, I only wish she could learn to care for me. I care for her, truly I do, and there is nothing that will ever change that. She's the light in my eternal darkness, the life that breathes into my dead soul. I fear if I were to ever lose her again...I too will die again.

Suddenly Spike moved under his thin cover and Buffy watched cautiously as the vampire turned in his sleep and became silent once more. The slayer continued reading, this time on another page.

How can such an angel hate a bloke so? All I did was offer her a way out of her money troubles, and she acted as if I was gonna tear her bloody heart out! I just wanted to help, to do something for her and the bit. Why can't she let me help her? All I want to do is help. I can take care of her and the bit and do it the valid way...working....I can get a night job. It may not be the best way, but at least it would make her happy. At least I thought so up until now. Oh bloody hell! It's impossible to get close to her without her tearing my sodding head off! What is a bloke supposed to do?

Buffy glanced at a still slumbering Spike and turned to another page.

She pushes herself too hard. It's not healthy for the girl to have so much on her shoulders. I tried to take some of it for her, but she'll have none of it....or rather none of me. I don't understand the slayer. She'll find her way to my precious possessions when she get's itch and needs a scratch, but when I offer to help her she gets all nasty and threatened to cut it off. I can see she's hurting. She doesn't talk to me anymore, not like she used to, like I was a friend. Now she rather shag. Don't get a bloke wrong, I certainly don't mind! I just wish the slayer...Buffy...would confide in me as she used to. I miss our talks. She always made me feel as if I was good again, as if I could help. Now I feel nothing but alone, and she and I are closer than before. I suppose a bloke ought to be careful what he wishes he for. This bloke got it.

Buffy turned the page and kept reading. Then she turned another page and read some more. Again and again, page after page, the slayer read deep into the soul of the soulless. Each page made her heart break and her guilt soon became unbearable. After what could have been minutes and may have even been hours, the slayer quietly put down the book unable to take the pain of reading more. Looking at the vampire once more through tear stained eyes, the slayer fled.

Again she ran. Away from her world, away from her pain, away from him. Why did he have to be so good to her? Why had she'd given him nothing but trouble after he had given her nothing but happiness?

Buffy got no farther in her thought for a scream echoed through the air. Forgetting about her pain, the slayer fled toward the sound of terror. It was her job to protect the innocent and that was what she would do no matter what. It could be Dawn.

The scream took her to a park near the college campus. Trees were thicker in parts than in other and the park was empty and dark. Buffy looked around for the girl but saw nothing. Another scream caught her attention and again the slayer ran. This time it was towards pain, someone else's pain. A way out of her own pain.

Just ahead of her in a clearing, Buffy saw a large demon holding a young college student in the air by her throat. Buffy didn't know the girl's name, but she had seen the student around the campus when Buffy had visited Tara and Willow. The demon, on the other hand, was a new sight. With large, twisted horns on a massive green and red head which was almost all teeth, and huge arms and legs that could have been pillars holding up a house, the demon was almost the ugliest the slayer had ever seen. The sword in his other hand, however, was by far the most beautiful she had ever seen. The silver shined in the moonlight, almost as bright as any street lamp. The hilt was silver and gold and encrusted with many gems. Diamonds, emeralds, rubies, sapphires, the hilt alone was probably worth more than anything ever seen in her life. And she, as a slayer, had seen a lot.

Put the girl down. Pick on someone your own strength. Buffy stood ready for a fight.

The demon growled loudly and looked at the slayer. And why should I? There is none to be matched to my strength.

Wanna make a bet? I bet you'll lose. Buffy crossed her arms stubbornly, but not without caution.

Everything was still for a moment as the demon seemed to ponder over his position. Finally the demon threw down the girl who squealed and scampered off at Buffy's signal.

It was time to get her frustrations out.

Before Buffy could throw a punch, a black streak knocked the demon to the ground. With a snarl, the demon landed hard and the sword flew out of his hand. The streak was sitting ontop of the demon smashing its face to bits!

Buffy sighed and walked over to where the sword had fallen. Slowly she bent to pick it up. The sword felt good in her hands, smooth and surprisingly light for its enormous size. Immediately the slayer had an idea. She walked towards the demon who was now nearly pulp, and swung the large sword down with a swoosh to decapitate the demon. Smiling, the slayer looked over the sword again, ignoring the figure still sitting atop the now dead demon.

Are you crazy! You could have chopped my bloody head off!

Buffy smiled with pleasure at the anger in Spike's voice.

What do you mean oops'? I just saved your life!

I had it under control, Buffy replied calmly.

That thing was going to chop you up and eat you for breakfast in the morning! That girl was an appetizer!

Were you following me? Buffy asked with mock surprise.

Speechless, the vampire fell silent for a moment.

I know I know, you just wanted to help. I don't need your help, Spike. Buffy tried to keep her voice patient and soft. It was hard not to yell at him when it was all she knew.

Spike stared at her for an instant before responding, Well actually I just wanted to talk. You left without a warning--

I left? You mean you knew I was there the whole time?!?! Buffy was full of real surprise now.

Well of course, luv! Vampire remember? I--

You mean you know what I was doing the whole time I was there--I--! Buffy was suddenly speechless herself.

Spike only looked at her with a satisfying look on his face.

Of all the---! Buffy cut off again still unable to speak.

You think I go to sleep in the mornin' with candles burnin' in the place just so I can wake up a nice toasty crisp the next evening? I don't think so. Spike thought of pulling out a cigarette but quickly pushed the idea aside.

Buffy just stared at Spike. A thousand thoughts rushed through her head. If he saw her reading his diary...why hadn't he stopped her?

Because if I had, you wouldn't know how I honestly feel about you. Spike sighed.

Buffy started at his answer. D-Did I say something?

You don't need to, luv, I can hear your thoughts from here.

Buffy just shook her head and glanced at the sword. It was so pretty.

Look, slayer, I didn't plan anything if that's what you mean. Ok, maybe I planned the candle cuz I knew you'd be over for some fun. But I didn't plant the book if that's what you think. I had finished writing in it and forgot to put it away is all. When I heard you come in to my crypt, I dunno, I just thought it would be interesting to pretend I was sleep...it seemed kinky at the time. I guess it's true that you learn a lot while you pretend to sleep. I felt you come close to me...then pull away. I peeked to see what it was that had drawn your attention away from me and saw you with the book. I wanted to see what would happen if you read it. I have nothing to hide, slayer.

You keep a diary? Buffy asked,About me? Buffy was not sure whether she should be disgusted or awed.

Uh, journal. No secrets, pet. The stuff I write is the same stuff I tell you everyday. It's no less true when I write it. Spike scuffed a foot on the park path.

Without a thought Without a voice Without a soul

Buffy just stared at Spike. He was impossible! She wanted to be angry with him! She wanted to kick his ass for constantly interrupting her fights! She needed this one tonight! And instead Oh to hell with it! In an instant Buffy had dropped the sword and punched Spike in the nose.

The vampire was caught by surprise but quickly recovered and returned the punch. See? Now that's what I like about you! You're so spontaneous and feisty!

Before Spike could speak another almost compliment, Buffy kicked him in the jaw. Losing his balance for an instant gave the slayer the edge for another kick this time to the ribs.

Spike was sent reeling across the grass and cursed the possible grass stains on his duster. Okay, you wanna play it that way do you? The vampire quickly threw off his duster and dived out of the way as the slayer came at him with another punch. You missed, luv!

I only miss once! Buffy swung around in a feigned elbow slam to Spike's face but came back around to kick the vampire in the chest.

Spike took the hit and gladly returned the hit with one of his own. Buffy caught the blow in the face but was not deterred from another punch thrown back at the vampire. Back and forth slayer and vampire fought. Minutes quickly passed and turned into an hour. An hour passed and turned into more minutes. More minutes turned into two hours. Neither foe entirely resisting the other, neither enemy falling from the urge to fight.

Spike grabbed Buffy's wrist in order to stop a stake in her hand from going through his heart. The two stood face to face breathing heavily, Spike merely breathing hard with excitement rather than the need for well spent oxygen. Were you really gonna use that, pet?

Buffy's glared at him, her eyes sparked with anger and hatred. The slayer tightened her grip on the stake, Only if I thought killing you would actually do me a favor.

What do you mean, luv? Spike said mockingly, Don't you want to kill me?

Buffy pursed her lips, more in anger than anything, her knees now trembled, with anxiety, exhaustion, or fear she did not know. If I killed you then I couldn't use you anymore.

Spike grinned, Ouch. Talk about having your prejudices!

Buffy moved in attempt to free herself from the vampires dead grip, but to no avail.

Come on, slayer, you can do better than that. Spike grinned wickedly. Unless of course you don't really want to get away. Could it be that you actually enjoy me holding you?

With a huff of disgust, Buffy yanked herself free. Grabbing the sword where they had moved back to in their scuffle, the slayer stomped off leaving the vampire to his own thoughts.

God I love that girl! Spike grinned one last time and waltzed away in the other direction back to his crypt.

Don't let me die here There must be something wrong. Bring me to life.

Buffy slammed the door and hurriedly stomped up the stairs to her room, sword still in her hand. Once in her room, door to that slammed as well, Buffy threw the sword on her bed and started getting undressed. Thoughts raced through her head, the anger swelling in her brain. How dare he! How dare he suggest that she enjoy his touch! That she enjoyed being held in his filthy arms!

Well it does feel good.

It was not where she belonged! She was dirty for wanting him, for enjoying his filthy pleasures! How could she ever let herself near him?He was a stupid, impertinent vampire! The undead! The evil demon she was sent to slay! That was what she did! She slayed demons! She didn't sleep with them and fall in love with them!

Who said I was in love with him?

Stopping mid change, Buffy glanced at herself in the mirror. In the mirror she saw the sword lying on her bed. Immediately she knew what she had to do. She finished stripping off her clothes and, grabbing a towel, headed for the shower.

(Wake me up. Wake me up inside. I can't wake up. Wake me up inside. Save me. Call my name and save me from the dark. Wake me up. Bid my blood to run. I can't wake up. Before I come undone. Save me. Save me from the nothing I've become.)

Spike Stared at the book on the bed where Buffy had dropped on her way out of his crypt earlier. Slowly the vampire picked it up. That book was his soul. Without it he would not be able to survive his infatuation with the slayer. He wasn't too proud to admit it. That book allowed him to get everything out and lay it in front of him so he knew it was truth. There was no embarrassment or regret, only truth.

Spike gently sat on the bed and opened the book to the next empty page and began writing. Pen on paper the vampire was startled by a rustle outside his crypt. She was there!

The metal door to the crypt creaked, as it was kicked open, and vibrated after hitting the stone wall inside.

Spike grinned, Quickly the vampire jumped up and placed the book on the shelf before heading up to meet his guest.

Buffy saw him come through the floor. He was wearing a black t-shirt that plainly showed his many muscles in his upper body. The black jeans did the same for his lower body. Every part of his body was perfect in every way. His blonde hair fell into his gorgeous azure eyes. His face looked as if it were chiseled out of stone, every line and every edge smooth as rock. He was perfect!

Don't you knock? Spike nodded towards his bent door. I mean, I don't mind, but others might not take it the same as I do.

Shut up. Buffy glared at him.

Right then. I suppose asking you if you wanted a drink would be out of the..uh..question. Mind if i do? Spike moved towards his refrigerator and pulled out a jar of blood.

Buffy stared at the blood wondering if he had really meant he was going to ask her if she wanted some blood. Shaking her head to forget the thought, Buffy shoved presented the sword to Spike. What is it?

Spike stared in confusion, Uh, duh! It's a sword. Spike shook his head mockingly.

Buffy's face was hard, I mean what is it for? Why did the demon have it?

It's a sword, slayer. Many demons have them, they normally kill people with it.

Buffy took a few threatening step towards the vampire who had yet to take a sip of his blood. It is not a normal sword. Giles said the gems are worth millions and the gold and silver mixed together is a sign of unity and power. Why did the demon have it?

Spike began to laugh. You think I had something to do with it? You think I summoned it here to do something for me?

No, but I do think you know what it was looking for.

How do you know it was looking for something? Spike asked without concern.

Buffy grabbed the sword by the blade and pulled. With sudden interest, Spike watched the slayer, grimacing inside hoping she wasn't going to cut herself too bad. His eyes widened, however, as Buffy pulled the sword right out of its blade! A sheath!

Well that was a good trick. Spike watched. Can you do it again?

Buffy rolled her eyes at the vampire then showed him the sword's real blade. The blade was made of solid silver and shone even in the dimly lit crypt. Up and down the blade were symbols engraved in gold.

It's an ancient spell, Buffy replies before Spike could even ask. The symbols are some demonic language. The spell gives the user power of some sort, makes him, or her, invincible or something like that. Buffy remembered what Giles had told her earlier.

Okay, and why are you telling me all this? I told you I had nothing to do with it. Spike finally sipped his blood which had begun to get warm.

I never said you had anything to do with it. I just want to know what the demon wanted. He was looking for something and--

Well how am I supposed to know? Spike asked

Buffy ignored him and continued, --and the girl he attacked was the daughter of a wizard. Buffy paused for effect.

Spike raised an eyebrow, A wizard, eh? That's interesting.

Her name is Hilary and she is in Willow's wiccan group. Willow says she brags every now and then about her father and his powers.

Wait a minute, Spike put the his jar of blood down on the counter and walked towards the slayer and the sword, if the girl has a powerful wizard for her pop, then why would she join a wicca group? Her pop could teach her far more than she could ever learn in a college group.

Buffy smiled and nodded. Exactly. Unless of course her father just happens to be trapped in another dimension because he used his magic to kill a king and take over a country.

Spike nodded in understanding. The demon needed an ingredient that was only grown in that country and wanted the girl to get it for him.

Buffy nodded, And in return he'd free her father.

Except she refused and the demon decided to--?

Well I think he threatened to lock her up with her father in the other dimension.



The two enemies stared at each other in silence.

Right then, so why did you come banging down my door? You knew the answer the whole time.

Buffy looked surprised,

Don't tell me you just wanted an excuse to come over here and get your thing on just so you could go stomping out that door in fury at me for hypnotizing you with my good looks? Spike grinned playfully.

No! I just wanted to---I was just trying to-- Buffy was caught in her own trap and she new it.

Right. Well when you figure it out, I'll be watching the tele. Spike grabbed his jar of blood.

Before he could get too far, Buffy slammed him up against a wall, a bit of blood spilling onto the floor.

Hey, watch it! This blood's expensive you know! I'm not allowed to scare it up like I used to! I actually have to sell my poker winnings to pet shops in order to pay for this blood! Spike remarked quite seriously.

Buffy tried not to laugh at the idea. In fact she was quite shocked at the sincerity in Spike's voice. He really did sell kittens to buy blood! Buffy was going to say pathetic but Spike's mouth got in her way. His cool lips were now pressed hard against her warm ones. Buffy doubted she could be any closer to the vampire without going right through him.

Spike dropped the jar of blood which shattered and splattered on the floor. Buffy dropped the sword with a clang which mixed with the blood forming an ironic picture on the ground. However, neither body noticed.

Buffy's hands still pinned Spike's arms to the wall but now with a different passion than that of anger. The two pressed their lips to each other as if either one could disappear in an instant.

Buffy gasped for air, I want you! Buffy dug her nails into Spike's arms.

Spike pulled away from Buffy and stared at her awestruck, You do?

The slayer stared back with slight pause and replied,

Bring me to life. I've been living a lie There's nothing inside.

Both enemies attacked each other again with a kiss. Spike had pulled his arms free and now gripped the slayer's arms in his hands. Buffy's hands searched Spike's chestand tore the shirt open. Spike's hands found their way to the front of Buffy's jacket and tore it off her, throwing it onto the floor narrowly missing the pool of blood. Spike's shirt soon followed.

Spike started on Buffy's shirt and started backing towards the trap door to the lower part of the crypt. Buffy followed, her lips still locked to his. Spike pulled away for a second while the two stared at each other gasping for breath. Tell me this isn't one of your shag n' leave im routines. Spike kissed Buffy with passion. Buffy pulled away to answer, her breast heaving with the need for air. I don't know. Buffy returned her lips to his in desperation. Both parted only for an instant as they jumped through the trap door one by one. Instantaneously they returned to their magnetic state and pulled each other towards the bed while removing each other's garments piece by piece.

Finally Spike pulled away leaving Buffy wanting more. I love you Buffy! I want this far more than you do! But I can't stay here any longer. If I can't have all of you then I don't want any of you.

Buffy looked deep into the vampire's blue eyes and a tear came to her own. I'm sorry.

Spike blinked then slowly turned away from her.

Buffy watched in shock as the vampire pulled away from her---from her!

I'm sorry too, Buffy. Spike looked around for his pants and began to pull them on.

Tears began to fall from Buffy's eyes, But I thought you loved me! Don't you loved me?

Of course I do, pet. But I can't take the loving and leaving you do to me every night. Spike zipped up his pants and began searching for his belt.

But I need you--

You don't need me, you want me. There's a difference, luv. I'm nothing to you except a nightly shag and a punching bag.

No you're not! Buffy cried.

Spiked only smiled sadly and began climbing to the upper part of his crypt in search of his shirt.

Buffy stood nearly naked in the dim light and cried. But I love you. It was only a whisper made under her sobs. Buffy slowly began gathering up her clothes.

Suddenly Spike was in front of Buffy grabbing her into his arms and kissing her with more passion than could ever be captured in a moment. Buffy didn't have to think, instinctively she dropped her clothes and returned the passion. When the two broke for air Buffy couldn't help but ask with her eyes, staring into his for an answer.

Vampire hearing remember?

Bring me to life

The End