Applause fills the large studio and the camera pans to Zhu Rong sitting at a table.
"Hello everyone! And welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway? I'm your host, Zhu Rong because the fellow said I look the most like the current host for this show." A voice is heard off-stage, "You're the closet person we have to Aisha Tyler!"
"Alright, then. Our four contestants are..." The camera pans to the four up on the stage.
"Hide yo' wife, Cao Cao! Throwing Liu Shan, Liu Bei! Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Sun Jian! You wouldn't like me when I'm angry, Lu Bu!"
More cheers and applause filled the room.
"All the scenes here today are purely improvised, and the points don't matter. Our first game for today is Scenes From a Hat. The audience writes suggestions and place them in this hat and any of our four contestants can act out that scene." Zhu Rong reaches into her hat to pull out a piece of paper.
"Things Sima Yi could have said to his wife on his wedding night. Go." Cao Cao walks onto the stage.
"Your profile said you were sixteen!"
BZZT
The audience breaks out into laughter with Sima Yi donning a very embarrassed expression. "Who suggested this...?" Sima Zhao snickers when he saw Sima Yi's expression. Cao Cao walks off to have Sun Jian come on.
"Are you sure you're not a trap?"
BZZT
Zhu Rong laughs at that one along with the audience. Sun Jian steps down to have Lu Bu walk on.
"Chris Hansen is going to walk up here and say I'm on "To Catch a Predator," right?"
BZZT
This made everyone burst out laughing and made a couple fall out of their seats. He walks off to have Sun Jian go again. He puts on a confused expression.
"Is it too late to leave you at the altar?"
BZZT
Liu Bei walks in after Cao Cao.
"So... when do your boobs come in...?"
BZZT
Cao Cao runs up again.
"I wanted a German Shepard, not a chihuahua."
BZZT BZZT BZZZZZT
Zhu Rong presses the buzzer still laughing. "Thousand points goes to Lu Bu and Cao Cao. She pulls out another paper.
"Self-help videos doomed to fail." Sun Jian walks onto the stage.
"Coping with alcoholism with Zhang Fei."
BZZT
This made Lu Bu and Cao Cao laugh uncontrollably with Liu Bei slightly offended. Cao Cao walks up quickly after Sun Jian.
"Caring for your newborn with Liu Bei."
BZZT
The audience oohs at that. Liu Bei runs onto the stage with a comeback.
"Marriage Counseling with Cao Cao."
BZZT
The audience oohs more. Lu Bu walks onto there.
"Hair Growth with Dian Wei."
BZZT
Cao Cao gives him a look as the audience laughed at that one.
"What?" They all walk off to have Sun Jian come up again.
"Fighting eating disorders with Sima Shi."
BZZT
The room fills up with laughter. Lu Bu runs back up.
"Yoga with Cao Ren."
BZZT BZZT BZZZZZT Zhu Rong presses the buzzer laughing and gets out another paper.
"A hundred points for Cao Cao and Sun Jian. Last one. Things you could say about your weapon that may apply to your partner." Lu Bu walks up.
"A little too heavy for me..."
BZZT
The room erupts at that one and Cao Cao runs onto the stage.
"It gets hot during the summer months." The audience oohs suggestively.
BZZT
He walks off to have Liu Bei.
"It doesn't talk back."
BZZT
He walks off to have Sun Jian. He talks with a sultry voice and with a raised eyebrow.
"It makes lots of noise when you thrust." BZZT BZZT BZZZZT
Zhu Rong presses the buzzer, laughing along with the audience. "A hundred for Sun Jian. Alright, next is Props. You get into teams and you both have an interesting set of props. You have to use them in the most creative ways as possible. Liu Bei and Sun Jian are one team, while Cao Cao and Lu Bu are in the other." Liu Bei and Sun Jian walk up to two cones while Cao Cao and Lu Bu get two hats.
"These look familiar..."
"Aren't these Sima Yi's hats?" (His DW8 hats, if you're wondering.)
"Go!" Lu Bu gets the hats and pretends they're sinking. Cao Cao says in a dramatic voice, "My mighty ships have fallen at Chibi..."
BZZT.
The audience laughs and the camera pans over to Sun Jian and Liu Bei. They get the cones onto their heads.
"Mwahahaha! Imbecile! Mwahaha!"
"Fools! Hahaha!" BZZZT
A vein pops in Sima Yi's head as he saw himself being mocked. Cao Cao puts on the hat and Lu Bu pretends he is holding something.
"Damnit... no signal..." He puts his imaginary item near Cao Cao. "Yes! Some reception!"
BZZT
Liu Bei puts the two cones onto his chest.
"Is it cold in here or it is just me?"
BZZT
The audience laughs out loud. Lu Bu gets the hat and puts it near his leg to make it look like it was his foot.
"I used to be an adventurer like you, but I took two arrows to the knee."
BZZT
Sun Jian gets the cone and holds it over his you-know-what.
"Man, I shouldn't have took that entire bottle of Viagra."
BZZT
The room erupts in laughter and Zhu Rong pushes the buzzer rapidly while laughing loudly. "Hahahaha... A thousand points goes to Liu Bei and Sun Jian for their spot-on imitation of Sima Yi. Okay, next up... We have Greatest Hits. It's where one or two of you act like pitchmen for an album for a specific topic the audience gives while the other two make up and sing a song from that album. Lu Bu and Liu Bei can be the pitchmen while the last two can do the singing. And we have Zhen Ji and Cai Wenji providing the music. Go." Lu Bu sits in a chair with Liu Bei and clears his throat.
"We'll be right back with Peon vs. Wild in a second. First, we'd like to introduce the latest album from Koei. It's called "The Sweet Sound of Baozi." The audience laughs for a bit and Liu Bei comments, "Wow, another one? I thought they were a video game company. If they wanted to release albums, they could have just became a recording studio."
"That's the thing. They are kinda one since, you know, voice acting?"
"How many songs are in-"
"I'm glad you asked that, Liu Bei. 43 songs all about baozi in one giant disk." Lu Bu holds out his hands to indicate the size of the disk. "And it's made out of baozi too!" Liu Bei looks over at him funny. "Really?"
"I'm sorry, I had too much to drink today." The audience laughs and Lu Bu gets back on-topic.
"Who couldn't forget this all-time classic, "I'm Getting Sick of Baozi"?"
"Let's hear it." The camera pans over to Cao Cao and Sun Jian. Slow music starts to play.
Oh... I'm afraid... I'm starting to regret this...
I spend days and years eating you...
Even though you look like breasts
I want to give this a rest! The music starts to turn up-beat.
This is not healthy
For my heart
Or my fit bod
I wish to eat...
A vegetable!
Yes... Or at least some f***ing rice!
Or they'll think they're being racist by showing us eating rice?
I swear..."
If I eat another...
I'll puke on Other!
The camera pans over back over to Lu Bu and Liu Bei.
"Wow, that was something!"
"Yeah, just wait until you see "Baozi look like Boobies!" Hit it!" A fast-paced beat starts.
Hey, I'm gonna tell ya a little story
It's about something I love
And no, it's not the Xiaos
Or Diao Chan's current dress
But I like baozi
And I like boobies
Baozi look like boobies so that's alright for me! Cao Cao adds one last line with a ascending voice.
But once you squeeeeeze, the baozi turns to s*bleeeep*, so I'll take boobies any daaaaay.
"Haha! That was an interesting one! That made me want to eat a baozi and pretending it's a woman's breast!"
"Yeah, you'll need that, Liu Bei. I'm aware Sun Shang Xiang has left you for a younger man." Liu Bei pretends to sob and break down.
"OH GOD! It's truuuue!" He continues to make sobbing noises. Lu Bu looks at the screen.
"And for the easy price of 9,999 gold, you too can own "The Sweet Sound of Baozi." Now back to our paid presentation, "The Guan-dy Bunch."
The audience applauds as the four contestants get back to their seats on stage. Zhu Rong then announces, "Okay, thousand points goes to all four of you and Lu Bu is our winner for today."
"I thought points didn't matter."
"I don't know. The funny man gave me a script and said I still have to do that."
Backstage...
"Where can I get "The Sweet Sound of Baozi"?" Takasugi stares at Sima Shi funny. "...That was fake. Here's a baozi and get out of backstage." He takes the meatbun and leaves.
"...Hm... This is what he meant? It's funny if you're high, but I don't know where to go with this. I think this will have at least a good run of five chapters unless people beat my behind to a pulp. Then we'll see."
"To Catch a Predator" was a reality show that exposed pedophiles by luring them over the internet by posing as little girls. Chris Hansen was the host and he would pop up in front of the pedophile and say to have a seat. I imagine Sima Yi accidentally getting arrested on that show because you know, he married a thirteen-year old.
The joke with the chihuahua part is that the name Chunhua looks like chihuahua. You get the idea.
What I was implying with Cao Cao and marriage counseling was that he would most likely take the wife rather than do actual counseling.