Disclaimer: i don't own the characters. blah blah blah.
Please review this, and thanks for reading it. If you are a Arwen fan or an Eowyn fan with no sense of humor, you probably shouldn't read this.
My dearest Aragorn
My dearest. I miss you. My life is an empty, meaningless existence without you. Please come back to me. I want to be with you.
I love you,
Arwen
Arwen
Look. I am little busy right now. I've been walking up a mountain in four feet of snow, it is freezing cold, and there are wolves. I have more important things to do. And stop sending me letters. They expect cash on delivery and I'm not in the habit of carrying enough money to pay for a first class priority package from Rivendell.
-Aragorn
The greatest man in the land (Aragorn)
I am sorry. This time I am using a different mail service. All they ask for is COD. I don't know what that means, but I'm sure you do. I understand you are busy, but could you please squeeze in a trip to visit me?
Forever yours,
Arwen
Arwen
COD means cash on delivery, and I now owe the mail service a lot of money. I'm in Moria, trying to be stealthy and pass unnoticed, when a man on a horse that has a painted M(iddle)E(arth)P(ostal)S(ervice) comes barging in demanding his money. I have no idea how he got here and I don't care. He hands me a letter, makes me sign something, and leaves, yelling over his shoulder that I owe MEPS money. Thanks to him, we probably lost the element of surprise.
Arwen. Let me walk you through a few concepts. I am going to destroy the you-know-what. I cannot turn back. The fate of the land rests on the company. I don't have time to turn back and visit you.
-Aragorn
My lovely Aragorn
What is the you-know-what? Is it the Lord of the Rings? The ring Sauron desires? The ring that any of his servants will kill to get their hands on? Anyway, I have a great idea. I'll come visit you! We'll meet in the Golden Hall. I'll be able to tell Theoden "Hi", and see you!
See you soon
Arwen
TO: ARAGORN. LOCATION: LOTHLORIEN
DEAR VALUED CUSTOMER STOP WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE DELAY STOP LETTER WAS DELIVERED TO MORDOR INSTEAD OF MORIA STOP WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE STOP WE HOPE THE LETTER DID NOT CONTAIN SENSITIVE INFORMATION STOP WE ARE VERY SORRY STOP
Arwen
How could you have been so stupid? You broadcasted the fact that we have the Ring, and then the postal service sent it to Mordor! There was a reason I wrote the "you-know-what" instead of "the Ring". "You- know-what" implies that you know what I'm talking about, so you don't have to confirm it. And don't come to visit Theoden. It is very dangerous to travel these days.
Aragorn
My love, Aragorn
I will not come to visit, then. I trust your judgement. I am sorry about the mix-up. However, I don't understand what's so bad about it going to Mordor. Do you really think Sauron looks at his mail? He probably gets hundreds of resumes, catalogues, and bills. What does one letter matter to him?
Your love,
Arwen
Arwen
Oh, gee. I dunno why one little letter would matter to him. Let's see. I got it! You wrote "To My Dearest Love. Concerning the Ring of Power and If I Should Go Visit You". That is somewhat of an eye catcher, isn't it? I received the letter and an apology from the company. The letter had been resealed. That means somebody in Mordor read it, and who in Mordor would be able to keep it a secret? Who would resist opening someone else's mail if it said "The Ring of Power" on it?
-Aragorn
Arwen
I feel so sorry for Aragorn. You sound like such a brat. Listen. He's mine. You don't deserve him.
-Eowyn
Eowyn
Excuse me? He has been in love with me forever. You are a stupid shield maiden. I am an elf. Graceful, beautiful, and inteligant. He is and will always be mine.
-Arwen
Arwen
"Inteligant" is spelled I-N-T-E-L-L-I-G-E-N-T .
-Eowyn
Eowyn
Aragorn is mine. Stop hitting on him. I am the reason he is fighting. Keep your stinkin' hands off of him.
-Arwen
Arwen
Please stop harassing Eowyn. It isn't improving my somewhat shaky relationship with Theoden.
-Aragorn
Aragorn
Relationship? With Theoden? What have you been doing?
-Arwen
Arwen
You have a sick mind. I meant political relationship. Now, please leave me alone.
Aragorn
My darling Aragorn
Oh. I am so glad there is nothing between you and Theoden. I was so happy, I had my servant weave you a pretty banner and I came up with something clever to say. I was going to weave the banner myself, but I didn't really feel like it. Your friend will deliver this letter, the banner, and the message.
Happily yours,
Arwen
Arwen
Aragorn in mine. I can see him weakening under my charms and carefully planned flattering and flirting. He is mine.
Eowyn
Eowyn
You idiot! Stay away from him. This is war!
Arwen
Arwen
You want to talk about war? I just defeated the Nazgul king. Aragorn healed me. I am in his debt and I will repay him by going on a date with him.
Eowyn
Arwen
The Dark Lord has been defeated and there is freedom in the land. You can come visit me at Gondor, if you must.
Aragorn
PALANTIR CONVERSATION, March 27: Rivendell to Gondor/ long distance/ 5 gold per minute/time:25
Rivendell: DATE?!? With that cross dressing, idiot?
Gondor: We went for a walk. All I did was ask her if she felt better.
Rivendell: Sure.
Gondor: Look. I'll be seeing you soon, right? Ask her yourself. She's happily in love with Faramir.
Rivendell: You sound disappointed.
Gondor: Me? No. I'm happy your coming.
Rivendell: My father wants to talk to you.
Gondor: Uh oh.
Rivendell: (extension in use, original line hung up) Aragorn. You caused a lot of trouble.
Gondor: Aw. Elrond. It wasn't my fault.
Rivendell: I know. I gave her the drug talk when she was thirteen, and the suicide talk when she was fourteen. But, when she heard about the date, she forgot everything I told her and threatened suicide with drugs!
Gondor: It's not your fault. It's the pressure of marriage and those silly female things.
Rivendell: Well, I bought a nice little book called "How to Talk To Your Daughter About Things You Feel Uncomfortable Even Thinking About". I guess it didn't work.
Gondor: Of course it worked. She's still alive.
Rivendell: You sound disappointed.
Gondor: Me? No. I'm glad she didn't do something as stupid as suicide because I went for a walk with someone.
Rivendell: (original line picked up. rivendell1) Dad? Did you yell at him?
Rivendell2: No sweetie. We just talked over things and we agreed on things.
Rivendell1: like what?
Gondor: Uh...Them Dodgers.
Rivendell1: What?
Gondor, Rivendell2: (Simultaneously) It's a guy thing.
Please review this, and thanks for reading it. If you are a Arwen fan or an Eowyn fan with no sense of humor, you probably shouldn't read this.
My dearest Aragorn
My dearest. I miss you. My life is an empty, meaningless existence without you. Please come back to me. I want to be with you.
I love you,
Arwen
Arwen
Look. I am little busy right now. I've been walking up a mountain in four feet of snow, it is freezing cold, and there are wolves. I have more important things to do. And stop sending me letters. They expect cash on delivery and I'm not in the habit of carrying enough money to pay for a first class priority package from Rivendell.
-Aragorn
The greatest man in the land (Aragorn)
I am sorry. This time I am using a different mail service. All they ask for is COD. I don't know what that means, but I'm sure you do. I understand you are busy, but could you please squeeze in a trip to visit me?
Forever yours,
Arwen
Arwen
COD means cash on delivery, and I now owe the mail service a lot of money. I'm in Moria, trying to be stealthy and pass unnoticed, when a man on a horse that has a painted M(iddle)E(arth)P(ostal)S(ervice) comes barging in demanding his money. I have no idea how he got here and I don't care. He hands me a letter, makes me sign something, and leaves, yelling over his shoulder that I owe MEPS money. Thanks to him, we probably lost the element of surprise.
Arwen. Let me walk you through a few concepts. I am going to destroy the you-know-what. I cannot turn back. The fate of the land rests on the company. I don't have time to turn back and visit you.
-Aragorn
My lovely Aragorn
What is the you-know-what? Is it the Lord of the Rings? The ring Sauron desires? The ring that any of his servants will kill to get their hands on? Anyway, I have a great idea. I'll come visit you! We'll meet in the Golden Hall. I'll be able to tell Theoden "Hi", and see you!
See you soon
Arwen
TO: ARAGORN. LOCATION: LOTHLORIEN
DEAR VALUED CUSTOMER STOP WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE DELAY STOP LETTER WAS DELIVERED TO MORDOR INSTEAD OF MORIA STOP WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE STOP WE HOPE THE LETTER DID NOT CONTAIN SENSITIVE INFORMATION STOP WE ARE VERY SORRY STOP
Arwen
How could you have been so stupid? You broadcasted the fact that we have the Ring, and then the postal service sent it to Mordor! There was a reason I wrote the "you-know-what" instead of "the Ring". "You- know-what" implies that you know what I'm talking about, so you don't have to confirm it. And don't come to visit Theoden. It is very dangerous to travel these days.
Aragorn
My love, Aragorn
I will not come to visit, then. I trust your judgement. I am sorry about the mix-up. However, I don't understand what's so bad about it going to Mordor. Do you really think Sauron looks at his mail? He probably gets hundreds of resumes, catalogues, and bills. What does one letter matter to him?
Your love,
Arwen
Arwen
Oh, gee. I dunno why one little letter would matter to him. Let's see. I got it! You wrote "To My Dearest Love. Concerning the Ring of Power and If I Should Go Visit You". That is somewhat of an eye catcher, isn't it? I received the letter and an apology from the company. The letter had been resealed. That means somebody in Mordor read it, and who in Mordor would be able to keep it a secret? Who would resist opening someone else's mail if it said "The Ring of Power" on it?
-Aragorn
Arwen
I feel so sorry for Aragorn. You sound like such a brat. Listen. He's mine. You don't deserve him.
-Eowyn
Eowyn
Excuse me? He has been in love with me forever. You are a stupid shield maiden. I am an elf. Graceful, beautiful, and inteligant. He is and will always be mine.
-Arwen
Arwen
"Inteligant" is spelled I-N-T-E-L-L-I-G-E-N-T .
-Eowyn
Eowyn
Aragorn is mine. Stop hitting on him. I am the reason he is fighting. Keep your stinkin' hands off of him.
-Arwen
Arwen
Please stop harassing Eowyn. It isn't improving my somewhat shaky relationship with Theoden.
-Aragorn
Aragorn
Relationship? With Theoden? What have you been doing?
-Arwen
Arwen
You have a sick mind. I meant political relationship. Now, please leave me alone.
Aragorn
My darling Aragorn
Oh. I am so glad there is nothing between you and Theoden. I was so happy, I had my servant weave you a pretty banner and I came up with something clever to say. I was going to weave the banner myself, but I didn't really feel like it. Your friend will deliver this letter, the banner, and the message.
Happily yours,
Arwen
Arwen
Aragorn in mine. I can see him weakening under my charms and carefully planned flattering and flirting. He is mine.
Eowyn
Eowyn
You idiot! Stay away from him. This is war!
Arwen
Arwen
You want to talk about war? I just defeated the Nazgul king. Aragorn healed me. I am in his debt and I will repay him by going on a date with him.
Eowyn
Arwen
The Dark Lord has been defeated and there is freedom in the land. You can come visit me at Gondor, if you must.
Aragorn
PALANTIR CONVERSATION, March 27: Rivendell to Gondor/ long distance/ 5 gold per minute/time:25
Rivendell: DATE?!? With that cross dressing, idiot?
Gondor: We went for a walk. All I did was ask her if she felt better.
Rivendell: Sure.
Gondor: Look. I'll be seeing you soon, right? Ask her yourself. She's happily in love with Faramir.
Rivendell: You sound disappointed.
Gondor: Me? No. I'm happy your coming.
Rivendell: My father wants to talk to you.
Gondor: Uh oh.
Rivendell: (extension in use, original line hung up) Aragorn. You caused a lot of trouble.
Gondor: Aw. Elrond. It wasn't my fault.
Rivendell: I know. I gave her the drug talk when she was thirteen, and the suicide talk when she was fourteen. But, when she heard about the date, she forgot everything I told her and threatened suicide with drugs!
Gondor: It's not your fault. It's the pressure of marriage and those silly female things.
Rivendell: Well, I bought a nice little book called "How to Talk To Your Daughter About Things You Feel Uncomfortable Even Thinking About". I guess it didn't work.
Gondor: Of course it worked. She's still alive.
Rivendell: You sound disappointed.
Gondor: Me? No. I'm glad she didn't do something as stupid as suicide because I went for a walk with someone.
Rivendell: (original line picked up. rivendell1) Dad? Did you yell at him?
Rivendell2: No sweetie. We just talked over things and we agreed on things.
Rivendell1: like what?
Gondor: Uh...Them Dodgers.
Rivendell1: What?
Gondor, Rivendell2: (Simultaneously) It's a guy thing.