Warning: this story is slash. If this offends you, please do not read any further. (If you do read any further, don't complain to me. I warned you.)
Title: Song for a Starless Night (sequel to Waltz for the Moon)
Author: Naraku
Spoilers: PoA
Disclaimer: If they were mine, I wouldn't have to worry about my student loans.
Notes: Effusive thanks go to Fara and Hyphen for beta-reading. I bow in their general direction.
Archives: If you want it, just ask.
Feedback: Muchly appreciated, to naraku@home.com. Flames will be used to keep my feet warm at night.
***
They want me to forgive you.
They don't say it, of course- not in so many words. Words are not necessary, not for me, and they know better in any case. James's worried frown, Lily's half-hearted attempts at conversation, Peter's sad, furtive glances... these speak more eloquently to me than any pleas or entreaties or rational discussions ever could.
He is sorry, they cry to me with every hopeful smile. He knows he has wronged you; he knows how narrowly catastrophe was averted. He would crawl through broken glass for you, or risk an Acromantula's lair- can you not give him a hint of how to earn your forgiveness? How to let us be whole again?
To be whole again. Oh, Sirius.
This... this rift is tearing us all apart. I cannot allow it. I will not allow it. I won't make our friends choose between us, not when it would make a mockery of these last five years, the happiest of my life. You taught me friendship, Sirius, and I learned my lesson well. I know what I must do- of the two of us, am I not the one better suited to be alone?
See what I do for you, Sirius? Even now, now when I should know better. See what I give up for you?
No, that's not fair. This is my choice and mine alone- perhaps I am true Gryffindor after all. Let them be my gift to you, Sirius. My last gift. You are careless with your gifts, always have been... treat them gently for my sake. Be worthy.
Besides, they would only come to resent me in the end. Because I _can't_ let things go back the way they were. Not this time.
I trusted you, damn you. Trusted you with my friendship and with my secrets. I would have trusted you with my life, if it had come to that. I was even starting to think- starting to hope- that maybe, maybe there could be more for us.
Does this make it my fault, then? Could this have been averted if I had simply told you of my feelings? Propositioned you at the breakfast table? Seduced you in the dormitory? But I didn't want to be a casual fling or an entertaining romp, and I didn't want to risk what we already had. Not until I was certain. So I held my tongue, and now I am left with nothing.
Shouldn't have waited, shouldn't have pondered. One day I will learn. Whenever I hesitate, I lose.
I am tired of losing.
I've lost you, Sirius, you and our friends with you, for I will not fight you for them. I've lost Snape, too. No- Severus. Still Severus, for whatever friendship we might have had.
I lost my humanity years ago, and with it any hope of a normal life. I lost my identity, also- we are registered under the pack-line of the wolf who Changed us, and our surnames are changed accordingly. I remember how surprised you were when I told you that. You shouldn't have been- we of the magic world understand the power of names and symbols, and no wizarding parents would ever voluntarily name their child "Remus Lupin." They know better than to invite that kind of trouble in- it finds its own way to us quite easily enough.
Of course, they also know better than to give the name "Remus" to a singly-birthed child.
Do you remember how you used to tease me about my evil twin, Sirius? How he would one day make his way to Hogwarts and take my place, impersonating me so perfectly that no one- no one but you, of course- would be able to tell the difference? The only secret I ever kept from you- I am the evil twin.
Five minutes younger than I, a hairsbreadth smaller, and a world more trusting, but his eyes were as grey as mine once were, and he followed me everywhere. Even now, I look over my shoulder, half-expecting to see him there. Romulus. Re and Rom. His name for me, and yours. Never again, Sirius. I never want to hear that name again.
Werewolves know their own, Sirius- did you know that? I didn't, not for a long time.
I could never resist the full moon, no matter how much my parents scolded. She sang to me, and I answered her call. Rom came after me, to bring me home. He never felt the moon the way I did. He followed, and I watched, unable to move, unable to scream, as the werewolf tore him limb from limb in the fall of the silver light. Then, the wolf came for me.
Three times I failed him, Sirius. Once for drawing him into danger. Twice for standing motionless as he died. Thrice for not joining him in death.
The wolf killed my brother, but Chose me. He knew me, you see. I was like him.
Thank you, Sirius, for divesting me of the last of my illusions. Even with all that I knew, I had always hoped that the wolf had Chosen randomly. I know better now.
James I would have killed, but Severus I would have Chosen. I knew him. He is like me, Sirius.
There is a darkness to Severus, and a knowledge of pain. We understood each other. We could have been friends. Perhaps there could even have been more. I don't know.
I never will know. You did your job well. There is loathing in his eyes when he looks at me, loathing and revulsion and fear. He spends all his time with Avery and Rosier now, and the light goes out of Dumbledore's eyes when he sees them. It would be a revenge clever as a Slytherin's if I could believe that you had planned it to come out this way.
You didn't, though. It is not your way. There is little darkness in your soul, Sirius, and I do not know if you will ever understand me. How can you? I remember my father's face as he looked upon the mangled remains of my brother and the single mark I bore- a scar already healed. I gazed at him with grey eyes shifted fever-gold, and he raised his silver knife to kill me. I still don't know why he didn't. Perhaps he should have.
Even with our few, bare weeks of cautious friendship, Severus knew me better- I am a monster, no matter how much I might wish otherwise. How can you ever understand that, Sirius? Do I even want you to? Would you still want me if you did?
You let me hope again, made me believe that perhaps even I deserved a normal life. I lost myself in warmth and friendship and trust until I almost forgot my curse. It was a sweet dream, Sirius- too sweet for a werewolf's soul. I cannot forgive you for shattering that dream. I cannot forgive myself for allowing it at all.
I remember your lips, hopeful and seeking and strange on mine. Was that supposed to make everything better, Sirius? Did you think that I would melt in your arms at your touch? I've lost count of how many nights I lay awake, wondering about the taste of your mouth and the feel of your hands. I will not let the reality stir my resolve.
And yet the tang of wild honey still lingers on my lips from that first, impulsive kiss, and it would be easy- so easy- to open myself again to you, body, heart, and soul-
And now I want- and I need-
But I won't. You've squandered the price of my soul.
Damn you, Sirius Black. Damn you for your blindness and lack of faith.
And damn me for still loving you.
~fin~
***
Title: Song for a Starless Night (sequel to Waltz for the Moon)
Author: Naraku
Spoilers: PoA
Disclaimer: If they were mine, I wouldn't have to worry about my student loans.
Notes: Effusive thanks go to Fara and Hyphen for beta-reading. I bow in their general direction.
Archives: If you want it, just ask.
Feedback: Muchly appreciated, to naraku@home.com. Flames will be used to keep my feet warm at night.
***
They want me to forgive you.
They don't say it, of course- not in so many words. Words are not necessary, not for me, and they know better in any case. James's worried frown, Lily's half-hearted attempts at conversation, Peter's sad, furtive glances... these speak more eloquently to me than any pleas or entreaties or rational discussions ever could.
He is sorry, they cry to me with every hopeful smile. He knows he has wronged you; he knows how narrowly catastrophe was averted. He would crawl through broken glass for you, or risk an Acromantula's lair- can you not give him a hint of how to earn your forgiveness? How to let us be whole again?
To be whole again. Oh, Sirius.
This... this rift is tearing us all apart. I cannot allow it. I will not allow it. I won't make our friends choose between us, not when it would make a mockery of these last five years, the happiest of my life. You taught me friendship, Sirius, and I learned my lesson well. I know what I must do- of the two of us, am I not the one better suited to be alone?
See what I do for you, Sirius? Even now, now when I should know better. See what I give up for you?
No, that's not fair. This is my choice and mine alone- perhaps I am true Gryffindor after all. Let them be my gift to you, Sirius. My last gift. You are careless with your gifts, always have been... treat them gently for my sake. Be worthy.
Besides, they would only come to resent me in the end. Because I _can't_ let things go back the way they were. Not this time.
I trusted you, damn you. Trusted you with my friendship and with my secrets. I would have trusted you with my life, if it had come to that. I was even starting to think- starting to hope- that maybe, maybe there could be more for us.
Does this make it my fault, then? Could this have been averted if I had simply told you of my feelings? Propositioned you at the breakfast table? Seduced you in the dormitory? But I didn't want to be a casual fling or an entertaining romp, and I didn't want to risk what we already had. Not until I was certain. So I held my tongue, and now I am left with nothing.
Shouldn't have waited, shouldn't have pondered. One day I will learn. Whenever I hesitate, I lose.
I am tired of losing.
I've lost you, Sirius, you and our friends with you, for I will not fight you for them. I've lost Snape, too. No- Severus. Still Severus, for whatever friendship we might have had.
I lost my humanity years ago, and with it any hope of a normal life. I lost my identity, also- we are registered under the pack-line of the wolf who Changed us, and our surnames are changed accordingly. I remember how surprised you were when I told you that. You shouldn't have been- we of the magic world understand the power of names and symbols, and no wizarding parents would ever voluntarily name their child "Remus Lupin." They know better than to invite that kind of trouble in- it finds its own way to us quite easily enough.
Of course, they also know better than to give the name "Remus" to a singly-birthed child.
Do you remember how you used to tease me about my evil twin, Sirius? How he would one day make his way to Hogwarts and take my place, impersonating me so perfectly that no one- no one but you, of course- would be able to tell the difference? The only secret I ever kept from you- I am the evil twin.
Five minutes younger than I, a hairsbreadth smaller, and a world more trusting, but his eyes were as grey as mine once were, and he followed me everywhere. Even now, I look over my shoulder, half-expecting to see him there. Romulus. Re and Rom. His name for me, and yours. Never again, Sirius. I never want to hear that name again.
Werewolves know their own, Sirius- did you know that? I didn't, not for a long time.
I could never resist the full moon, no matter how much my parents scolded. She sang to me, and I answered her call. Rom came after me, to bring me home. He never felt the moon the way I did. He followed, and I watched, unable to move, unable to scream, as the werewolf tore him limb from limb in the fall of the silver light. Then, the wolf came for me.
Three times I failed him, Sirius. Once for drawing him into danger. Twice for standing motionless as he died. Thrice for not joining him in death.
The wolf killed my brother, but Chose me. He knew me, you see. I was like him.
Thank you, Sirius, for divesting me of the last of my illusions. Even with all that I knew, I had always hoped that the wolf had Chosen randomly. I know better now.
James I would have killed, but Severus I would have Chosen. I knew him. He is like me, Sirius.
There is a darkness to Severus, and a knowledge of pain. We understood each other. We could have been friends. Perhaps there could even have been more. I don't know.
I never will know. You did your job well. There is loathing in his eyes when he looks at me, loathing and revulsion and fear. He spends all his time with Avery and Rosier now, and the light goes out of Dumbledore's eyes when he sees them. It would be a revenge clever as a Slytherin's if I could believe that you had planned it to come out this way.
You didn't, though. It is not your way. There is little darkness in your soul, Sirius, and I do not know if you will ever understand me. How can you? I remember my father's face as he looked upon the mangled remains of my brother and the single mark I bore- a scar already healed. I gazed at him with grey eyes shifted fever-gold, and he raised his silver knife to kill me. I still don't know why he didn't. Perhaps he should have.
Even with our few, bare weeks of cautious friendship, Severus knew me better- I am a monster, no matter how much I might wish otherwise. How can you ever understand that, Sirius? Do I even want you to? Would you still want me if you did?
You let me hope again, made me believe that perhaps even I deserved a normal life. I lost myself in warmth and friendship and trust until I almost forgot my curse. It was a sweet dream, Sirius- too sweet for a werewolf's soul. I cannot forgive you for shattering that dream. I cannot forgive myself for allowing it at all.
I remember your lips, hopeful and seeking and strange on mine. Was that supposed to make everything better, Sirius? Did you think that I would melt in your arms at your touch? I've lost count of how many nights I lay awake, wondering about the taste of your mouth and the feel of your hands. I will not let the reality stir my resolve.
And yet the tang of wild honey still lingers on my lips from that first, impulsive kiss, and it would be easy- so easy- to open myself again to you, body, heart, and soul-
And now I want- and I need-
But I won't. You've squandered the price of my soul.
Damn you, Sirius Black. Damn you for your blindness and lack of faith.
And damn me for still loving you.
~fin~
***