-1Yeah yeah, I have other long-term stories STILL in the works (they're NOT dead yet peoples, just…erm…abandoned for the time being. On vacation. Yeeah.) but I figured 'Hey! Why not start ANOTHER story I'll most likely never finish!? Isn't that the greatest idea of the year?! Aren't we glad that it isn't that far into the year yet!!' So much time for so many stupid ideas to worm their way out of my demented head and into this word program! Yaay. After much arguing with myself (I tend to do that a lot. Out loud. In the middle of class.), I came to the conclusion that it would be more productive than working on that damned English essay I have due in..oooh…two days. I'll get it done tomorrow.

DISCLAIMER: Well, I sincerely doubt I'll be sued for this, but here it is: I do not own Hellsing or any characters, symbols, etc. affiliated with Hellsing. They're probably all trademarked and whatnot, and not by me, otherwise I wouldn't need this stupid disclaimer, would I? I also don't own anything else I might venture to mention. They're all the property of their respective owners, which sure as hell isn't me. I know that much.

Chapter 1- More like a Pathetic Intro, but Whatever.

It was just like any other utterly unremarkable day at the small college I went to. The morning had been briefly entertaining, but that soon passed. I decided I would try to stave off the suffocating boredom by telling my best friend Brandi about the whole kerfluffle.

"Right. So I walk into the garage to get into my car when I hear this weird squeaking and fluttering. I look up at the roof, and what do I see? A bloody bat! There's no bats around my house! Well…at least I've never seen any before. So I was like, 'Yeah, whatever. It's just a bat. It's not like it's going to eat my antifreeze or anything.' I go to get into my car when SWOOP!"

I 'accidentally' whacked Brandi's ex -boyfriend, as he walked by, in the face with an obscenely over-exaggerated arm movement. Without pausing to even consider saying anything to him as he laid on the floor beside the booth, holding his nose as a small pool of blood collected on the floor, I continued. " The damn thing flew right into my car! Like it was on purpose!" I sighed.

"Ew. Bats are gross." Brandi wrinkled her nose as she spit her old gum on her ex, who was just starting to get to his feet.

"Eh, not really. Don't interrupt me, damnit. Where was I? Oh right. I was too lazy to even bother trying to get it out, not to mention the fact that I was already leaving about ten minutes later than I should have. It was sort of flapping and fluttering around in the back seat so I threw my coat over it."

"…and?"

I gave her a blank look. "And what?" She raised her eyebrows. "Oh! Well, when I got to school, I grabbed my coat off of it, which seemed to piss it off, but whatever. I'm not going to cater to a bat that isn't mine. When I went to close the door, it freaked out and just sort of flew off, but not before running straight into my face." I frowned slightly. "Bats aren't as soft as Fern Gulley would have you believe."

"Fern Gulley didn't make me believe that bats were soft."

"Oh. Well then, shut up." I sighed and drank my coffee. "Thank God for Starbucks."

"If I were you I'd be thanking Satan."

"What? Why?" She just shook her head. "What??" I looked around to see that her ex had left. "Did he yell at me?"

"Yep."

"I sure didn't notice that." We both shrugged, then gathered our books for our next classes. "We'll meet in this booth again after, alright?"

"I'm going to stop by the little shop there to buy my brother a birthday present." She gave a little sigh as she shouldered her bag.

"Yeah. I'm sure he'll like a bag of chips and a stale danish for his birthday." She gave me an offended glare.

"They sell Kinder Eggs."

"Yeah, but your brother is turning fourteen."

"Eh. We were never that close." She laughed. I shook my head slowly.

"Fine. I'll meet you in the stupid little store. Later." She gave me a small wave before wandering down a separate hallway. I trudged into my sociology class and sat down in my usual spot: as far back as you can get, and as far away as possible from everyone else. I was never the sociable type, but the people in that class just annoyed me to no end. Too chatty. I passed the time by randomly doodling in the margins of my sparse notes. Before I knew it, the class was over. I quickly packed up my things without fretting over the fact that I had just PAID for the last fifty minutes and had actively avoided learning anything, and walked out towards the shop. Just as she had said, she was waiting outside the shop. What wasn't expected was that she was having what looked to be a pleasant conversation with a seven foot tall priest. I paused for a moment, briefly considering the option of turning around and hiding in a dark corner, before shaking my head clear and sauntering up beside her. I don't know what was telling me to FLEEEEE!!!, or why, but I decided that since he was a priest and all, I would be fine. We were in a public place, after all.

"Hey Brandi." It came out flatter than I had meant it to. She flashed me an odd look before plastering a friendly smile on her face.

"Father Anderson, this is my friend Alexia."

I was going to smile and say hi, but the evil sneer that Anderson dude had on his face was enough to make my blood run cold. There was a brief and incredibly awkward moment of silence.

"Umm…I'm going to go sit down." I said slowly, not taking my eyes off Anderson. He was a sneaky looking sort. Sneaky, as in the-moment-you-look-away-I'm-going-to-stab-you-in-the-neck sort. More homicidal than sneaky, but you get the idea.

"Oh. Uhh…okay. I'll be there in a minute." Brandi stammered out, clearly uncomfortable with the random inexplicable animosity between me and the priest. I slowly backed up a couple of steps before turning and walking to the vacant booth. I sat down heavily and hoisted my book bag onto the table.

"Holy shit that man was freeeeeeeaky." I sighed and pulled out my English textbook. "She better not talk to him for too much longer. He'll probably lure her into a dark alley somewhere and rape her or something. Beat her to death with a crucifix." I slowly turned the pages of the book until I realized I didn't know what I was supposed to have read. Groaning, I argued with myself over whether or not it was worth digging out my binder to find out. In the end my laziness won and I decided to just read the first story that caught my attention. "Oooh! 'The Tell-Tale Heart'. Poe, my man, you've saved me once again." I had just started into the third paragraph when Brandi sat down across from me and slid me a large coffee across the table. I regarded it for a moment before looking at her. "A peace offering?"

She sighed heavily. "I'm sorry about that. I don't know why he doesn't like you."

"I don't care why he doesn't like me. I don't want him to like me. What I want to know is why you were talking to him." She refused to look me in the eye. I was about to ask her again when I heard someone clear their throat. I looked up to see an older man, dressed up like a butler (he even had a monocle, which led me to believe that this dude was awesome), smiling apologetically.

"I hate to interrupt, but I was wondering if you knew of any other booths such as this one that might possibly be available."

I checked my watch. "I don't think you'll have much luck. It's lunch, and most students have a break now. One of the perks of being able to choose your own classes." He looked slightly disappointed. "But you're welcome to share this booth with us, if you like."

He adjusted his monocle. "I'll be back in a moment."

"Huh. I've never seen him around…" Brandi craned her neck to try to follow where he was walking off to. "I wonder why he was dressed up like that."

I shrugged. "There seems to be a lot of strange people around here. Like mister tall, blonde and psycho you were talking to not three minutes ago." She was about to give me some sort of retort when the bespectacled-erm- monocled man came back.

"Sharing the booth with you would be most agreeable."

"Alright. I'll just jump over to the other side then." I quickly got out and shoved Brandi over.

"Why'd you have to offer up our booth?" She hissed under her breath as more footsteps approached.

"Why not? It wasn't he creepy priest dude, at least." We both watched as a tall blonde woman wearing a very expensive-looking green suit walked up and surveyed the booth.

"It'll have to do." She said darkly before sitting down. She slid over to allow room for the older man, and they both slid over to allow room for another seven foot tall man in a red trench coat and a wide-brimmed red hat. Brandi stared at them, and I glared at her. The strangers just sort of sat there in silence. I sighed.

"Anyway…" I snapped my fingers in front of Brandi's face to get her attention. "I was going to ask why you were-"

"Let me out." She hadn't taken her eyes off the man in the red coat. Her eyes were wide and she was breathing faster than normal. To state it simply: she was scared shitless.

"Not until I get some damn answers out of you." I stated stubbornly. Normally I would care enough to let her out, knowing she was scared like that. Wait…no. I wouldn't have. Nevermind. "What were you talking to that dude about?"

She took a deep breath. "He offered me a scholarship through the church."

"…eh?"

"I'm going to go to an all-girls school in the Vatican."

It was all I could do to stop myself from screaming. I managed to keep it to a pathetic squeak. "You're what!?" I hissed, grabbing her by the shoulders. "Are you even listening to yourself!? It sounds like a bloody convent to me! They're going to lock you up there and turn you into a nun!" I couldn't help but pause and snicker at the notion. "Heh heh…you're going to be a nun! Eh, urgh…where was I? Right. You're fucking INSANE!" I shook her violently until I felt she was shaken enough, then let her go. I crossed my arms and glared. "In the Vatican. Peh. I didn't even know they had a school in the bloody Vatican."

"They do!" She cried out indignantly, like I was using the Vatican as a proxy to insult her. "Father Anderson said-"

"WAIT!"

We both looked in astonishment at the blonde woman. She was sitting stiffly upright, her palms splayed on the cheap laminated table. "..did you just say 'Anderson'?"

I pointed at Brandi. "That was the name of the man she was talking about. Father Anderson, or something. He creeped me right the fuck out, but offered her a bloody scholarship. Out of nowhere. Go figure. Asshole…" I grumbled angrily under my breath as Brandi roller her eyes.

"If he had offered you a scholarship you would have taken it?"

I sneered at my friend. "HELL no. But still." She snorted.

"So he is here…Walter!"

"Yes, Sir Integra?"

Integra leaned over and whispered something into Walter's ear. He nodded, then smiled. "Yes, Sir Integra." He turned to the man in red and nodded, a gesture the man seemed to recognize, for he grinned most evilly and nodded in return. Grey-filtered sunlight glinted off his reddish-orange sunglasses.

"Will you let me out now please?" Brandi whined, looking rather distressed. I shrugged.

"No, not yet. I still have more questions for you-"

"Are you a virgin?"

I turned to face the man in red. A questioning look crossed my face, and I pointed to Brandi. He shook his head. I pointed to myself. He nodded.

"Uh, yeah. Why? You doing some sort of survey or something?" The only answer to my question was a crooked grin. "Uh, oookay then. While I can't say that's the first time someone's asked me that, I can say that it's the most random." Walter and the man both let out soft chuckles before all three left the booth. Integra and the man in red left without saying a word, but Walter stopped and gave us a little bow.

"Thank you very much for sharing this space with us, Miss…?"

I paused for a moment. "Alexia."

Walter smiled. "Miss Alexia. Good day to you."

"Yeah, you too." Brandi and I were both silent for a long time. "I wonder what the hell that was all about."

"Do you get the feeling that we're about to get caught up in something very, very bad?" Brandi asked quietly. I nodded.

"Nope. Anyway, you can't SERIOUSLY be thinking about using that 'scholarship'. You're crazy. You're just crazy."

"Did you notice that man in red?" She completely ignored my question and just sat there, staring at the now vacant seat. " All he did was stare at you."

"At least he's better than that Anderson dude. He gave me BAD vibes, girl."

"They couldn't have been HALF as bad as the vibes I was getting from that dude."

"Oh, whatever." I shoved my books back into my bag and sighed. "It's about time we got off to English class. Let's go." I grabbed the coffee and slid out, shouldering my bag as I stood up. I looked over to find Brandi still staring at nothing. I reached over and grabbed her by the arm. "Let's GO already. Look-he's not there anymore. No sense staring into empty space. Save that for class." She forced a small smile on her face for the comment and got up.

"Right. Let's go. Did you read 'Othello'?"

"ARGH! I wasn't supposed to read a short story AT ALL?!!"

It was about half way through English class when I was brought out of my pleasant day dreams of me killing the Lucky Charms leprechaun by the sound of-

"Gunshots??" I looked around wildly to see mass chaos erupt in the classroom (probably because it was mostly comprised of girls). People were screaming and running everywhere. Some were hiding under their desks, mumbling prayers to themselves. "Yeah, like that's going to help you." Brandi and I exchanged glances. I sighed, got up, and made my way to the door to confirm what we both suspected. Well, I'd imagine we were both suspecting the same thing. I'm not bloody psychic, so I'm just assuming. I'm getting off topic. I opened the door and looked out to see- lo and behold- Anderson waving around bayonets, and the man in red, holding a rather large hand gun. I blinked a couple of times before slowly closing the door.

"Okay Alex, let's try that again, except this time, when you open the door, you're going to see a couple of firecrackers in the hallways and some jerks laughing at all the screaming girls. Ready…now!" I opened the door again to find the same scene, strangely unaltered despite the transgression in time.

"Well shit."

I must have said that louder than I meant to, because both parties turned their line of sight directly at me.

"You! You little heathen!" Anderson spat out, his voice thick with an Irish accent. "As soon as I'm finished obliterating this abomination, I'm going to get you!"

"Hmph. I always knew people from the Vatican were insane homicidal maniacs." I snorted derisively. This wasn't true, of course. I actually thought the Popemobile was pretty awesome. Then again, they had to have the Popemobile made like that because of would-be assassins…but their own kind? Naaaah. Wait…where was I again? I was brought back to reality as one of Anderson's bayonets imbedded itself centimetres from my face. " You're only proving my point, you know. Whatever happened to the commandment 'Thou Shall Not Kill'?" The halls were eerily silent, save the echoes of quick footsteps which were getting closer. I was trying to see where they were coming from when I was suddenly pushed from behind and fell flat on my face. I scrambled to my feet just in time to have the door slammed in my face. I tried the doorknob, already knowing that it would be pointless.

"Locked. Well isn't that sweet. Thanks for caring, everyone. I'll see you in the DEEPEST PITS OF HELL!!" I banged as hard as I could on the door, glaring through the skinny rectangular window at the people cowering against the opposite wall. Brandi stood up and walked over to the window. "Hey! Open the door for a minute!"

She shook her head sadly and mouthed the words 'I'm sorry'. She then proceeded to tape a piece of paper to the door, blocking off the entire window. I was utterly speechless. I sputtered off a few random consonant/verb combinations before turning around., ready to face certain doom. I probably would have, too, if Walter hadn't randomly shown up and grabbed my arm. I gave him a surprised look as he dragged me away from the scene.

"Foolish girl! Now you've gone and gotten yourself involved in all this!" Integra scowled as she chastised me coldly.

"Like I did it on purpose! Those traitors kicked me out of the classroom! Like the stupid door is some sort of impenetrable barrier of magic or something. Any what the hell do you mean, 'involved'?" Walter sighed.

"This is a most inappropriate place for a battle to occur." Walter commented blandly, adjusting his monocle.

Integra puffed on a cigar and nodded in agreement.

"I don't know why he'd be here to begin with." She took another puff.

"Okay, I've had enough of this enigma. Who are you? Who are they? And WHY does that stupid 'priest' want me dead?"

Integra chuckled darkly, but didn't offer up an answer. Walter stood, a slight smile on his face.

"Ugh, whatever." I rubbed my temples and jumped a bit as more gunshots rang through the halls, along with random yelling. "This is like some really strange nightmare, except I know I'm not sleeping." I growled. "That bitch locked me out."

"Who?" Integra's blue eyes flashed up at me.

"My friend. The one who was in the booth with me. She's probably the one who pushed me, too. What a bitch. Would it have been that much harder for her to pull rather than push? Seriously!"

"And you said that Anderson had offered her a…scholarship?"

I nodded. "Something to do with her church or something. I don't know. It's odd that she'd just drop everything here and take up some random scholarship from some equally random dude, then try to kill me. Maybe she needs to cut down on the caffeine. Or maybe she's on crack. I don't know."

"Recruiting? Here?" Walter furrowed his brow. "Why here?"

Integra answered simply, "Why not?" He let out a small 'hmm' before going silent again. "Besides, Walter, isn't that the very reason we're here?"

"Well, our sources said-"

"Whatever our sources said, their sources probably said, too." Integra pulled another cigar out of a small carton just moments after flicking the old one on the floor and stomping angrily on it. It wasn't even half finished. Walter pulled a fancy gold lighter out of one of his pockets and lit Integra's cigar with a small bow. I cringed as more gunshots were heard, and a thin veil of dust slowly rolled down the stairs towards us. I pulled my shirt up over my nose, a gesture that didn't go unnoticed by the other two.

"Why are you doing that?" Integra asked coldly.

"This school is old, and if those walls and ceilings had asbestos in them, I don't want to be breathing it in."

They looked at each other and decided to walk a bit further down the hall. Walter went to shoo away the small (but rapidly growing) group of students that had congregated a short distance away, and faint sirens could be heard in the distance.

"Alucard better hurry this up. We don't have all day to play around." Integra muttered. As if on cue, the two duelling giants came crashing down the steps. Walter's job was done for him as the group of students ran for their lives, screaming something about murderers and basketball team members. I shook my head slowly before continuing to watch the battle. Anderson was stabbing and flinging, while Alucard was dodging and shooting. I got a rather nasty cut on my right arm when a bayonet Alucard had dodged barely missed me by some miracle. I grimaced and put a hand over it.

"AAAAANDERSOOOON!!"

I spun around to see a random dude with a long black ponytail running down the hall behind us. He was waving his hands frantically.

"The mission has been accomplished! This is not the place nor the time to be fighting that abomination! There will be time for that la-OOF!" He fell to the ground as I nonchalantly put my foot in his path while whistling innocently.

"Oh my! Are you hurt?" False concern laced my voice as I grabbed one of his arms and hauled him to his feet. I had to fight hard to suppress my smile. Integra and Walter just didn't try at all. He ripped his arm out of my grasp and dusted himself off, trying to regain his composure.

"I'm fine." He glared at me before briskly walking up to Anderson during a moment of inaction. "We're leaving. Now." He shot me another glare."

"What!? What'd I do!?" I shrugged innocently, holding out my hands complacently. "I haven't the slightest idea why you fanatical religious types automatically hate me." Anderson smiled evilly when he noticed the nice gash on my upper arm. I scowled and covered it with my hand again, quickly giving him the finger. That wiped that self-righteous smirk off his face.

"I believe it's time for us to be leaving as well, Alucard." Integra said loudly. "We've found what we've been searching for."

For some reason, as soon as she said that, I got the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sure enough, Walter grabbed my unscathed arm gently, a smile on his face.

"If you'd please come with us, then."

My first reaction was that of pure horror. "What!? Where?? Can't I get my bag from the classroom??" I heard Integra huff impatiently.

"Fine! Go get your bag." I detected a faint derision in her voice. "Alucard, open that door up."

"With pleasure, Master." He smiled crookedly and ascended the staircase. I ran up as fast as I could and got there just in time to see him pull out his gun and shoot the door handle clean off. There was nothing but a smouldering hole left. I raised my eyebrows and whistled.

"That's some heavy-duty gun. Awesome."

He chuckled and went back down the stairs. "You might as well say goodbye while you're in there. You're not going to get another chance."

"What do you mean by that?" I shrugged and walked into the class. No one had moved, and everyone watched me with fear-stricken eyes as I walked slowly to my desk, grabbed my bag, and made my way back out. Nobody said a word. Brandi was standing by the door, a grim look on her face. I took a deep breath and was about to walk right past her when she grabbed me by the wrist. Wordlessly, she pressed something into my hand, then walked back to the others. I didn't bother to look at what it was. I was still too pissed off about the whole getting locked out and left for dead thing. I just walked back down the stairs to where the three of them were standing. Only Integra had three small words for me:

"Welcome to Hellsing."

And that's that. Feel free to tell me what you think of it and mock my spelling/grammar if you see errors. The next chapter, provided I get that far, will probably have more humor in it. Eh.