When you find out, it takes your breath away. You really didn't expect it. Your name is Brittany and you're 21 years old. You live in LA since you were 19.
But you can't say you're happy in Hollywood. Sure, you're living your dream, being a professional dancer, living in a comfortable condo..
Happiness is a feeling you can't have anymore. You aren't miserable, but you feel like a puzzle and there's a missing piece.
Santana.
The love of your life.
You love her so much, but you had to walk away. In high school, you were popular. You dated for years in secret and you wanted to show everyone you were together and you were happy.
But she didn't want to come out and one day, you gave up.
You wish you had a time machine and go back in time, tell her you love her and it doesn't matter if she wants to hold your hand inside your bedroom or in the middle of the crowd.
Your heart belongs to her since the 1st time you saw her in school. You dated other boys and girls after your break up, but you feel guilty 'cause you didn't feel nothing with them.
It was a Sunday morning when your phone rang. You don't have a clue, but this call is about to change your life.
Quinn, your friend from school, the third part of the Unholy Trinity, drop the bomb.
It's quick and the few words she says kills your heart.
"She killed herself."
You try to say something, but you can't.
You catch the next flight, you need to see her one more time. You can't believe she did it. You wonder why. You set her free, gave her space to be happy, to find herself. You lost contact with her, but you had hope that she was moving one.
Apparently, no.
You feel your heart turn into dust. You don't know who it's possible to love someone that much.
You can't translate your feelings into words. No actions or worlds would be enough to describe this type of love.
When you heard about her death, you want to die too. The first thing you think is why the fate didn't want you together.
You should be with her. If life was fair, you'd be somewhere with her. But you lean that life isn't fair. It makes you suffer.
The pain is endless. You don't wanna believe. You wanna go to her place and find her cute face smiling at you. But when you arrive, you find your friends crying. If you were trying to deny the reality, you couldn't anymore.
Quinn is the first to hug you. She's crying and sobbing. You know they had their issued, but they loved each other.
You realize your thoughts about her are in the past now. You know she'll be past in a couple of months, everybody will move on.
You know you won't. You didn't see her since the graduation, but she was the reason you lived. Always catching yourself thinking she'd be proud of you if she saw where you were now.
Santana is dead, she won't see you accomplishing your goals.
Now, the pain spreads. It's a heartbreak, but your whole body hurts.
To make it worse, Finn hands you a piece of paper, babbling that it was the only thing next to her, besides the gun.
You read it and your body starts to shiver. You realize you're crying when you feel your clothes soaking with your tears.
Hands are on your shoulder, trying to calm you. To tell you it's fine.
But it's not.
Her last words are in your head now.
"I'll never find someone like you.
I'm sorry.
I love you, Brittany."
She loved you. She killed herself but her heart was still yours.
You never felt like this, the pain is ripping you.
Rachel says they're taking care of the funeral and you're thankful that you don't have to do anything because you wouldn't handle.
Then Quinn and Puck take you to their home to spend the night, to prepare yourself to the funeral.
You are static, you can't take it anymore. You hear the two talking about singing a song by Adele, Santana's favorite singer.
You know she'd want that. You take a deep breath and say your first words in hours.
"I wanna sing one of her favorite songs."
They nod.
Quinn helps you to take shower and borrow some clothes. You didn't bring almost anything from your house.
You don't wanna bother, so you wait them go to sleep and cry in silence until your tears dry.
In the next morning, you wake up early because you didn't sleep too much.
You put your black dress, you remember you wore it when she sang Rumour Has It/Someone Like You with the Troubletones. It was her favorite dress. Your hair is in a ponytail and you don't wear any make up. You'll cry anyway.
You go to the funeral and everyone from New Directions, Troubletones, Sue, Shelby, Mr. Schue and Santana's family is there.
Her mom hugs you and you start to cry. Her coffin is closed because she shot herself in the head. So you wouldn't see her. There was a picture of her on top of the coffin.
You stay there, by her side, wishing you were there to stop it. Or die in her place. You and the rest of the people walk to give her the last goodbye.
Finn, Sam, Mike and Santana's dad carry the coffin and you watch while the cemetery employees bury her.
Puck starts to play the song and you say:
"That was one of her favorite songs. This is for you, San. We love you."
You close your eyes and start.
When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any seams,
I had no idea of the state we were in
Your heart breaks once more because she won't come back, she left with no goodbye.
You're angry 'cause she didn't have the right to go away without telling you.
It wasn't just her call.
I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,
You feel a hand on your shoulder, but you don't open your eyes. The next words almost describe what you're thinking now.
But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,
When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,
But you do know where you both went wrong. You shouldn't force her to come out and she shouldn't let you walk away.
Now none of this matter, because you forced her, she let you walk away and look where you are now.
After years, you finally reunite. But you're alive and she's dead.
But I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,
But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,
In your mind, starts a movie. When you first met, your first kiss, the first time, the I love you..
But the beautiful movie ends and another one start. The tears, the endless goodbyes, the fights and the last time you saw her.
Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hope that you find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,
This. This part is everything you tried to do when you left. You just wanted your love back.
She wouldn't come back to you, you gave her space and..
You try stop thinking and continue the song.
Why don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,
You take a breath and sing the question you ask yourself.
When will I see you again?
You ran away and grab your things. The only thing you grab from this damn city is Santana's note.
In the next day, you're in LA. But your heart is inside of the coffin.
You love her and you don't know how you'll survive without her.
Finally, you realize you won't.
You grab very painkiller you find, then drink wine and take all these pills.
Before they make their effect, you grab a paper and pan and write:
"I love you too, Santana.
I can't live without you.
Wait for me."
Your heart is racing and everything is a blur. You fall on the floor and think if Santana felt like this when she decided to end her life.
You try to feel something, but even pain leaves you alone. You don't feel a thing. 'Cause you know that's the right thing to do.
You close your eyes and the happy movie cross your mind again. The last thing you think is how much you love her.
Minutes later, there's no more breathing or heart beating.
Just peace.
Because you'll finally meet her again. Be where you want. Just you and her.
And you know she remembers everything.
So do you.