"You have to get out of bed honey." My Mother said gently, rubbing my shoulder. I lay on my side facing the wall. Which, admittedly, I wasn't supposed to be doing, the Doctor said it was bad to squish my lungs together, but I didn't care. Even if my lungs did finally give out, it wouldn't be that bad really. The only reason I didn't give up on life right after Gus died, was my parents. I didn't want to cause them more pain then I had to.
My Mom didn't say anything else, she just sat and moved her thumb around in a circle on my shoulder. I couldn't see her, but I could feel her crying, as softly as she could. Is this what Gus would have done if it had been me. Would he have laid in bed all day crying, or would he have kept going without me? I wonder if he would have found another girl to take to Amsterdam. He could of if he wanted to, and why wouldn't he? Why stay hung up on me? I'll just be another Caroline that he'll tell his new girl about after they f-
Never mind. It didn't happen that way. Not at all, it was him not me.
"Okay sweetie"
I could hear my Mom pad out of the room and close the door. I rolled over onto my back, my lungs were starting to hurt. Nothing to be concerned about, it was just from the crying and side laying. I think it's late, I'm just going to try and fall asleep, I already have the mask on, so I won't die in my sleep. Such a cheerful thought, that I might not wake up. I wonder what happens, after we stop breathing. Gus would have said something beautiful and philosophical. I'll never be as good as a writer as he was. I wish he could have written his own grave stone inscription. His mother picked out: Always in our hearts and never forgotten, which Gus would have said was bull shit.
I wonder if Mrs. Waters would have been my mother in law. The thought opened up a whole new floodgate of emotions. Me and Gus could have gotten married, had kids. The notion made me smile. Some crap luck I'm sure those kids would've have. Imagine the DNA they would've gotten, me and Augustus combined makes like, a whole ICU.
Still, so much would be different if neither of us had ever gotten cancer, I wonder what my life would be like right now. Would Gus be laying next to me? I could almost feel him, his warm strong arms holding me close to him, and his comforting voice, telling me that I was okay. I grabbed my phone from next to my bed and dilled the familiar number. It rang, once, twice, three times, it kept ringing. I don't know what I was expecting. An answer? Was I hoping that it had all been a nightmare, and Gus was safe and sound in his bed. He wasn't, he was cold, underground, in a stiff suit that he didn't like much, his arms crossed in an unnatural way that made him look like king tut. The message started playing, but it was different then the last time I'd heard it. "It's Gus, I'm at the hospital, so if I didn't answer I'm most likely dead now. Sorry I couldn't take your call from the great beyond, but uh, I hope you got something to eat at my funeral." That voice, God that voice. It was so comforting, his words were slurred and weak but my Gus, the man I fell in love with was still in there. I could hear it, I can't believe he's gone, I literally can't fathom it. I can see him so clearly in my head, alive and well. But in the back of my head, I see the body, laying there. Empty, dead, something I'd imagined so many times, but it had always been me in the casket. Never Gus.
Am I selfish for wishing that I had died and Gus had lived. Really which is worse, dying, or being left behind. There is an equal possibility for infinite outcomes. That's what Gus would have said about after death. Scientific, yet hopeful. I hope I find out soon, not so soon that I hurt the people around me. But soon enough.