'Just want to say. Not all of this makes sense. Neither does life. But above it all, Jack at the mo does NOT seem happy. So let's continue this with more 'out-of-character' JACK. I think the writers are crapping up big style. Enjoy'
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Notes on Fic- S/J Angst, PG, JACK POV and centered, slight spoilers of Pete in Season Eight and Jack's rank info. If you don't know then you're no a shipper ;) wink wink set in Season Eight. Not really betad.

- IF YOU HAVE IT, listen to this fic to 'Dirty little Secret' by SarahMclachlan, from 'Afterglow'

Answer By Athena

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My back hurts.

Hurts from everything... work. Overuse. Bending every time to do the stupidest of things from picking up a pencil to darting a shot in the corner of my gaze.

No darting anymore. No hurting.

I can't do this, no more.

I'm not even out in field anymore.

A superior of mine, once, called it: The field of dreams. Out there, stars among stars...

He said it was the field where he died, quiet and solitary. He died of being alone. Of not being loved... no family left and no one to hold him when things were too much. I promised myself as younger man, never to do that. Die alone. I wouldn't perish on a world of strangers, or die saving them.

I'd survive.

And live for everything I wanted to. I would love, and be loved, and fight the good fight once more.

But like a jackass, I went back on that.

I got married. I got divorced. I got reassigned, and fell in love.

Fighting became breathing.

And for a time... I've been miserable... and silent about it.

Duty and honour Major... duty and honour.

I'm old, and bitter. But above it all, you know what?

I want to be happy.

And to be happy... I have fight again.

Unfortunately 'my love' is elsewhere...without me. So...what do I do?

Mend old wounds, risk revelation and then...do what I've always wanted. Not what I should for once.

Here goes.

"Sir?" Her voice, shallow and unadvised... took him by surprise as it slid between the cracks of her open door. She clung to the edges of it like a guard. A guard against him. "Do you want in?"

"No." He spoke quietly, and confidently. No beating around the bush. "Carter..."

"Yes."

"I'm going to say something. I need to say it. And it's going to sound... weird."

He was expecting her to close the door on him, or laugh, maybe frown.

Instead she said, "Okay."

"If I had the chance to tell you something... even if it wasn't returned, then here goes. I love that thing you do with your lip. When it goes all, crinkly and weird when you're thinking hard and-it's adorable. Makes me want to kiss you. And the way you dissect your salads. I love that too, especially when you give me your mushrooms... because you hate mushrooms. And I love how you're always prompt. I used think that, if I ever you know, that you'd be right on time when you came. Because you're never early, never late...you get it. And...I know, how I'm never gonna get to-know what you smell like...naturally. Or hear you moan, groan, laugh...inside. I wouldn't ever say any of this... and I HATE saying it...Daniel would get a field day outta this. But, I will be in love with you, until I die. And for the first time in my fifty odd years... I'm not scared of that. I just think you should have heard it... possibly a year or two ago."

He took a pause, not even checking to see his reflection in her eyes.

"I know you probably won't speak to me again... It's hard, and you're engaged...just, be happy." He turned around, then suddenly realising that he'd forgotten something. "Oh, and I've decided. I want to resign... from Commander of the base anyway. I'm gonna head my own team, on the alpha site. If I'm gonna die... then it should be out on the field. I've spent my life out there... I can't do the 'quiet suburban house-thingy'."

She still hadn't said a thing.

"Well Carter... better go. Stargate to catch and all that, have a good day; the sun's supposed to come out."

And with that, he smiled and turned on his heel. He wasn't stupid. If she wanted to follow, then she would.

She didn't.

'If I had the chance love

I would not hesitate

To tell you all things I never said before

Don't tell me its too late

Cause I've relied on my illusion to keep me warm at night

and I've denied in my capacity to love

but I am willing to give up this fight'

'Dirty Little Secret, Sarah Mclachlan'

----I believe...the somewhere in the known Stargate galaxy, Sam and Jack are humping right now---

Athena - feed would be very mice.