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Enjoy :-)
It's a long way home
There was so much noise. Just too much, like it didn't let him enough room to think just one clear thought. And he needed to think.
Desperately.
Usually Kurt loved Breadstix, the restaurant they had agreed to go to on their double date. But this evening everything felt hard and loud and not at all comfortable. There was so much talking going on, all the people at all the tables were chatting in, what seemed to him, an ever rising crescendo. Even his friends voices sounded unnatural, he couldn't follow a single sentence of them. It was all just a tremendous "bla bla" in his head. Paired with the clatter of the dishes, the kitchen, the door opening and closing in a never ending circle, the background music (he couldn't even identify the song!). Just one big riot between his ears.
And within all of this he could just kept one thought, one tiny picture before his eyes: Blaine standing alone in the choir room.
He knew there was more going on with Blaine's visit tonight but he couldn't quite put a finger on it. Oh for the love of god, if he could just concentrate in this mess of a restaurant!
He felt a headache coming and put his fingers on his temple to massage it a little bit. Out of the blue he felt a hand comforting his knee.
Walter.
He almost forgot he was here.
With him, Rachel and Sam, - on a double date.
Kurt liked the old man, he had spent a few date's with him over the last weeks, but suddenly his hand on his knee just felt so wrong. Earthshakingly wrong. Immediately he slipped a few inches away from him on the bench.
"Is everything okay, Kurt?" he heard Walters voice asking with honest concern.
What did he do?
He had dragged Walter right in his emotional chaos. He was so selfish to date someone, who would obviously never have been a good fit for him, just to get some distraction from the pain that he caused on himself breaking up with Blaine.
Why had he done that?
Kurt knows, always has known since their first kiss at that table at Dalton Academy, that there would never be anyone else for him. The kind of love that Blaine and he had was a rare species, that not everyone had the chance to experience.
And he blew it.
More than once.
They both had blown it more than once.
They were such idiots!
And as if the world decided to make it's own joke about this realization Teenage Dream started playing in the background.
'Of course' he thought sarcastically, 'I didn't notice one song that played tonight but this one I recognize immediately.'
As if it wouldn't hurt enough already.
Kurt didn't even notice that the noises faded, that at some point they were quiet enough that it was just the song playing in his mind, raising a ton of memories.
His first visit to Dalton. (How nervous he had been.)
Blaine taking his hand. (He had been feeling so welcomed by him.)
Them singing "Baby it's cold outside" together. (How much he loved him already then!)
Blaine's declaration of love. (He almost hadn't believed what he was hearing).
Their first kiss. (How fast his heart had been racing.)
The taste of Blaine's lips. (Forever his favorite flavor.)
Their first I love you's. (So nerve-racking and yet so reassuring.)
The weight of Blaine's body against his. (Like they were build as puzzle pieces, which perfectly fit into each other).
Blaine showing up unexpectedly in New York. (It had been feeling like his heart couldn't take all the bliss.)
Blaine singing Teenage Dream in that bar to him and the aftermath that followed. (It had been feeling like his heart couldn't take all of the pain.)
The two of them reconciling. (How long he had been telling himself that they were just friends? As if!)
Their marching band duet. (He never wanted to lose Blaine again.)
Blaine's proposal at Dalton. (How can a staircase bring so much luck in the life of a man?)
Their little-lovebubble-loft. (Man, he missed it. He missed living there with Blaine.)
Their fighting in New York. (He missed even that.)
Their make up sex. (Mmmh ….)
Their lunch date that went so utterly wrong. (Why was he such a bitch sometimes?)
And above all the memories hundreds of pictures of Blaine.
Smiling, Singing, Beaming, Laughing, Crying, Screaming, Dancing, Sleeping.
They were just two young men at the beginning of adulthood but they had already lived a life together.
And he had ended it.
Blaine was the one who fully committed to forever and he, Kurt Hummel, backed out of their promise of a lifetime together at the first stones which came their way. He was such a moron. He would never be happy with anyone else as long as Blaine Anderson walks the earth.
And then it hit Kurt. The last picture of the slideshow in his mind.
Blaine standing alone in the choir room.
He had looked out of breath. Nervous but determined. But then his expression had changed when Walter appeared. Kurt didn't get it then but now it was crystal clear to him. The uncertainty in his words when he had said he wanted to talk to Rachel. That he had forgotten 10 seconds later what it was even though he obviously ran there to talk. Was that desperation in his eyes when Kurt turned around once more before he went?
Oh my God! Blaine ran to McKinley High to talk to him!
"I have to go." Kurt blurted out and got up from his seat.
"Did you hear anything we were just saying Kurt?" Rachel asked with a worried look on her face.
"Is everything ok? It seemed like you blacked out for three minutes, Dude." Sam sounded confused.
And Walter simply asked his name "Kurt?" as if he suddenly became aware, that Kurt was no longer a certainty for him.
Kurt stood there for a few, very long seconds and watched his friends.
"No I wasn't actually listening." he said to Rachel.
"No. Everything is not okay. But I will try to fix that." he answered Sam's question.
And lastly he turned to Walter, who's life experienced eyes already knew what he was about to say. "I'm sorry I can't see you anymore, Walter. I'm so so sorry."
And with that he grabbed his belongings and was out the door in no time.
It was already night. Darkness all around town. And he was on his way to bring back the light to his life.
Kurt ran as fast as his feet took him, blending out everything around him again. There was only room for one thought.
He had to get to Blaine.
He had to get to Blaine.
Over an over again.
He came to a halt in the hallway right in front of Dave's (No. No time to be thinking about him right know) and Blaine's apartment and allowed himself to catch some breath before he knocked on the door. His heart raced like it was a contender in a marathon. Some part due to his sprint and the other to the anticipation and uncertainty of what would be waiting right behind this door tonight.
'Please let it be Blaine who's opening. Please.' Kurt prayed, hearing movement in the flat.
The door opened and gave sight to a bed ready Blaine in boxershorts and a white tank top. His hair a tousled mess and his eyes troubled like a hurricane and red rimmed from crying.
"Kurt?" his voice was almost a whisper. A not-his-own-eyes-trusting, hurting but hopeful whisper.
In Kurt's already broken heart, all pieces scattered again. What did that to Blaine? Who did this to Blaine? Had it been Dave?
Had it been him?
Everything he wanted to say, all the words that were bubbling up in his mind, when he knocked, were gone. Swept away from his worry over Blaine.
"Blaine! What is wrong?" the words wobbled out of his mouth.
In an automatic gesture Kurt came closer, trying to console Blaine. But before he could touch his shoulders Blaine backed away.
"Don't. Please don't." he begged Kurt, underlining his words by holding up his hands in defense. "You want to know what's wrong? Everything is wrong. These past months I lived my whole life wrong."
Kurt hung on every word he was saying. Feeling the familiar pain of these last months take over his whole body, once more. But the worst of all was seeing it reflected in Blaine's face.
He did that to him.
He had broken up with him and forced him into living a different life. Of course it had been Blaine's decision to date Karofsky, but he had been the trigger for it nonetheless.
"I'm so sorry. For everything I did to you." Kurt meant it but he knew it was not even close to the apology Blaine deserved.
"I think … It's just …" Blaine began to stutter. "I can't to this anymore, Kurt. Pretend to be friends with you. Sing duets with you. All of it. I just can't."
Kurt's eyes widened at Blaine's confession. He couldn't pretend to be friends anymore.
Pretend.
That was the word that stuck out. In all these past months Blaine had never been just a friend for him but he thought he had been one for him. If he wasn't his friend. What was he then? Kurt couldn't help it, a whole fire of hope was igniting in his chest.
"Are you still with Dave?" he didn't recognize his own voice, it sounded so fragile.
His gaze was fixated on Blaine, waiting for a reaction. But he just stood there, with his head dropped, doing nothing for, what felt to Kurt, like an eternity.
"No." The same moment it escaped his lips, Blaine looked up to Kurt. With eyes so full of hope, so full of hurt. They were searching for the answer of an unsaid question in Kurt's face. "I came to McKinley tonight to tell you. To tell you that I love you. That I never stopped. But then you were with this other guy and I ..."
And this time it was Kurt's move to kiss him. There really was no better way to tell Blaine,that he felt the same. The moment their lips met they both knew they were coming home. They hung on each other in desperation. Breathing the other one in. Holding him so tight that not a fraction of an inch left. Just clinging. Kissing. Tasting. Feeling.
"I love you. I love you so much." Kurt professed again and again.
When they finally parted they were inside the apartment. Pushed against a wall in a tight embrace. Foreheads touching.
"I want to be with you." Kurt whispered in tears. "I want to marry you. I want to grow old with you. I want you. I'm so sorry for the mess I created. I will make it up to you. I promise. Please, please just give us an another chance."
He never wanted to let go of him ever again. It was as simple as that.
"Of course I will." Blaine beamed in delight, gazing at Kurt.
Oh how good it felt seeing him so happy again. Hearing his laughter again and being the reason for it. He would make it his personal agenda to coax it out of him more often.
"But it won't be easy. We will have to work on our issues, Kurt."
"Yeah. You're right and we will. Let's promise that we will always tell each other how we feel." Kurt held up his little finger for a pinky swear. Much to Blaine's amusement. "When something upsets us."
"When you're being a diva."
"When you're being too clingy."
"About everything." Blaine held up his little finger too and contributed in their oath. They have been through hell and back. This time they would make it. They had no doubt in that. Sometimes you have to lose everything to find your way back home and they had found theirs tonight.