Darkwarrior17: A couple of nights ago, I received a review from black mage jr., asking several questions. Two of the three were typical questions, and they will be answered when I update One Smashing Vacation. The other one caught my interest. It asked "Why didn't they leave Crazy Hand in charge?" For all of you who are confused, read my other story. I came up with several answers but none of them seemed to fit completely. My best answer was that beneath his craziness, he's actually pretty smart. And that raised the question "What the hell is going on up there, anyway?" And here's my answer.
What the Hell is Going on up There, Anyway?
Tick…
Tick…
Tick…
BRING!
Uh-oh. Alarm clock. Better open my eyes. Wait. I have no eyes, and therefore it is impossible to see, so what am I looking at? AhhHHhhHHHhhHhhhHHh!
(There were several minutes in which Crazy Hand twitched in his bed, trying to figure this one out.)
Ten minuets later, in the Dining Room…
It seems as though the younger Smashers are having a football match before breakfast, on the dining room table…
"ME WANNA FOOOOOOOD! GEEEEET OFFOFOFOFFOOFOFOOFOFOF!"
"Crazy Hand, you're annoying. Can't you see we're trying to play?" Young Link says.
Maybe I should remove them…
(Crazy Hand flicks Young Link, and throws the football at the rest of the offenders. This hits several of them, and the rest quickly clear off.)
Maybe I'll have oatmeal today. Yes, oatmeal will definitely be what I have.
"ME WANT GLUPP! ME WANT GLUPP!"
"Master Hand, Crazy wants oatmeal." Link said.
"Tell him I'll get it in a second!"
"Crazy, you eat not-a-now! Not-a-now."
Darn.
"Ouhgghghghh! Ut me want-a-eat-now!"
"Master Hand, he's getting that look again!" Link said, pulling out his sword.
Are you threatening me?
"GUAUAUAUAUAHHH!"
(Crazy Hand charged at Link, only for him to be slapped down by Master Hand.)
"I'll get you breakfast later! All right?" Master Hand said.
But I'm terribly hungry!
"Uahuhuhuh! Me hunnnnnnnnnnnnngry!"
Ten minutes later…
Mmm… Oatmeal…
"Me like glup!"
"Aren't you supposed to put brown sugar in that?" Kirby said.
Huh?
"HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUH?"
"Brown sugar. Here, let me pour you some." Kirby poured the bag of brown sugar onto the oat meal.
What ever.
"Hmm, ME EATSAH!
Five minutes later…
WOW, SUGAR GOOOOOOOOOOOOD!
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SUGA SUGA SUGA SUGA SUGA SUGAAAAAAAAA!
(Crazy Hand ran into the wall, fell down, got up, ran into the wall again, fell down, got up, and continued doing this for some time until the wall broke down.)
"You gave him sugar, didn't you?" Master Hand said, looking at the hole in the wall.
"How was I supposed to know!" Kirby said.
I wondered if Captain Falcon would let me borrow his racer…
"ME WANT FAST CAR NOW!" Crazy Hand ran for Captain Falcon's room.
"SOMEBODY STOP HIM!" Master Hand shouted, running after him. He stopped when he saw Mewtwo. "Mewtwo, mind control him and stop him!"
"Mmm, no."
"I'll let you be in charge for a day."
"It's not that I won't, I can't. He's to smart for that."
"How do you know?"
"Scheme to take over the Mansion number five."
"You've only tried that four times…"
"Look, it was a complete failure. I don't like to publicize it."
"… You tried to mind control Crazy so he could beat every one up, didn't you?"
"For some reason he's smarter then everyone thinks."
He paid me a complement! I should thank him."
(Crazy ran up to Mewtwo, flipped him off, and ran away.)
"You're welcome."
"… Yeah, I need to catch him."
Thirty minutes later…
Why do they always lock me in the basement?
"ME WANA OUT! ME WANA OUT!"
(Mario opened the basement door and threw an empty can of pineapple at Crazy.)
"Ooh, piney…"
One hour later…
Oh good, they're letting me out.
"FREEFREEFREEFREEFREEFREEFREE! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"I don't think he was completely un-sugar hi." Luigi said as Crazy came zooming out of the basement.
"Yeah, but state law says that we can't keep him locked up for more than an hour and a half." Master Hand said.
Let's go say hi to Peach!
(Crazy ran up to Peach and urinated on her. Naturally she did not take this well and began to shriek at the top of her lungs)
"MASTER HAND! STOP HIM!"
Ow, what's all this noise! Gaahh!
(Crazy Hand thrashed on the floor while Peach continued to scream at the top of her lungs)
"That's a reeeeeally stupid law." Luigi said.
"Well, we can put him back in the basement in fifteen minutes."
Twenty minutes later…
"Crazy, get out of my room." Bowser said.
I thought this was my room.
"GREEESSEESNAH! ME ROOM!"
(Bowser looked around. There were pools of lava, spikes, and an assortment of torture devices. Definitely his room.)
"Look, if you don't get out of my room, I'll have to turn you into… into… uhhh…" Bowser thought about this for a few seconds. "Flaming Hand! Yeah. You've got five seconds."
Flaming?
"Five…"
Flaming… Mouth.
"Four…"
Flaming mouth!
"Three…"
Flame comes from mouth…
"Two…"
Ah!
"ONE!"
(Bowser opened his mouth and was about to throw a flame ball when Crazy stuck a finger in his mouth. The flame came out his ears, and Bowser fell to the floor.)
"When lunch?" Crazy asked.
Twenty minutes later…
"Hey, Master Hand, who's cooking lunch?"
"Check the roster."
(Marth looked at the bulletin board for a few seconds.)
"HEY, ZELDA, IT'S YOUR TURN TO COOK!"
Zelda's cooking? I hope she makes Mac and Cheese.
"ZELDA ZELDA ZELDA! MAKE MAC AND CHEESE! PLEASE PLEASE
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!"
"Thanks a lot, Marth."
"Sorry."
"Macandcheese macandcheese macandcheese!"
"YOU JUST HAD BREAKFAST TWO HOURS AND FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO!"
Yeah, so?
"SOVAT!"
"IT WAS OATMEAL! OATMEAL STICKS WELL!"
"SOVAT!"
"SAMUS!"
Five minutes later…
"Hey, Doctor Mario, could you take a look at Crazy?" Roy dragged Crazy into Doctor Mario's room/the clinic.
"What happened, did he get attacked by a bear? Again!"
"No, but you're close."
"Samus, eh?"
"Yep."
(Crazy twitched a little.)
"Yeah, give him this." Dr. Mario handed him a pill. Roy looked at for a second and remarked, "You give this to everybody, don't you?"
"Bounce-back-pill. Hasn't failed yet."
"Yeah, whatever."
Fifteen minutes later…
(Crazy Hand, fully bounced-back, ran into the kitchen, where Zelda was cooking)
"MAC AN CHEE-"
"WE DON'T HAVE ANY! SO THERE! GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN BEFORE I GET SAMUS TO BLAST YOU AGAIN!"
(Crazy quickly retreated)
"Hey, Crazy, why do you look so depressed?" Fox asked.
Why do you think?
"ME KILL!"
(Fox was gone in a few seconds, breaking a couple of speed limits as he went.)
I really feel like destroying something.
(Crazy went to the closet where he dug around until he found a bat.)
"Hee hee hee hee." He giggled, and swung the bat. Unfortunately, he swung it into a lamp, and also unfortunately, the bat was made of aluminum. The result was, obviously, electrocution.
"Ayayyayyayayyayyayayyayaayyayyayayyaayyayyayaya!"
Twenty minutes later…
"IN A COMA! HOW!" Master Hand shouted at Dr. Mario.
"Well, he did get electrocuted."
"SO WHAT! PIKACHU ELECTROCUTES HIM ALL THE TIME!"
"STOP SHOUTING! There's a different between those shocks. Pikachu gives him shocks of which are humorous, cartoony if you will. This was a little more serious. I don't know why it didn't just shock him for a little bit, but-"
"You're not making any sense. I think."
Wow, it's dark. Hey, I hear Master Hand, but I don't see Master Hand. OoooOOOh. Hey. There's a light. It's a big light. I want to touch it.
(BRRZAAAAAAAAP!)
Ayayayayyayayayayayayayayayyayay!
"Hey! Movement! He's no longer in a coma!"
"How come he's not saying anything?"
"Uh… His eyes are closed."
"He doesn't have eyes." Ness commented. "Wait. If you don't have eyes, then how do you see? And if you can't see, how do you get around? And since you get around, that-" and he fell down on the ground and jabbered for a little bit. Crazy Hand looked up (HOW?) and saw Ness jabbering on the floor. He shrugged and fell to the floor, jabbering.
"Yeah, you take care of these two. I'm going to have lunch. I hear Zelda made Macaroni and Cheese." Master Hand said.
"NO I DIDN'T!"
Twenty minutes later…
I am Diddy Kong, cousin to King of Jungle!
"DIDDYDIDDYDIDDY!"
(Crazy Hand was dressed up has Diddy Kong, although dressed up is too strong a word to describe his outfit. He had a red hat on his middle finger and a bandana shortly below that. Someone would have to have eyesight as bad as… Hey, who's that one girl, you know, the one with glasses? Well, eyesight as bad as hers to mistake him as Diddy Kong.)
Hey, it's my good friend, D.K. Let's go say hello!
"DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.K!" Crazy shouted at Donkey Kong.
"Diddy?" Donkey Kong said. (A/N: What Donkey Kong really said was "RowwrRR?", but it's much simpler to just translate it.)
(Crazy jumped up and down.)
(D.K. jumped up and down.)
(Crazy jumped up and down.)
(D.K. jumped up and down and beat his fist on his chest.)
(Crazy jumped up and flicked D.K. in the nose.)
(D.K. threw Crazy across the room.)
(And then jumped up and down.)
"Diddy, it is you!"
(Donkey Kong picked up a gun and shot Crazy.)
"NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOUR GAMES, HUH? Diddy Kong Racing, my foot. More like Diddy Rips-Off Mario!" D.K walked away.
Five minutes later…
"Wow, three trips to the ward in one day. We could get a record here." Dr. Mario commented.
"Shut up and give him the pills." Master Hand snapped.
Ten minutes later…
Why is it so cold?
"TURNUP HEAT!"
(There was no response.)
Hello?
"ALONE ALONE ALONE!"
What I am I going to do? There's no one here! I'll go insane!
"ME CRAZY!"
Wait… Is that snow?
(It was indeed starting to snow.)
"Cold…"
Five minutes later…
"VERY… cold…."
Five minutes later…
"Too… cold…"
(Crazy sank to the snow covered floor. As his eyes closed, he saw a bright light, and then a figure coming towards him.)
Five minutes later…
"Crazy got lost in the freezer again." Game and Watch dragged the frozen Crazy into (you guessed it) Dr. Mario's room.
"Ooh, four times today. That ties our old record. I might have to send for more pills if this keeps up."
Ten minutes later…
(Mewtwo was meditating in his room. He slowly bobbed up and down. All was quiet.)
"HI YA!" Crazy shouted.
(Either because he hated Crazy, or, more probably, he was completely startled, Mewtwo blasted him into a wall.)
"Oh. It's you." Mewtwo said to the writhing hand.
Ow, my head…
"OWIEOWIEOWIE OW!"
"Could you go away? I'm busy at the moment."
No you're not. You're sitting.
"EEEEH! YOU DO NOTHING!"
"Don't speak. I can hear you're thoughts and they're a lot more comprehensible then when you speak."
What?
"WHAA?"
"I said don't speak."
Why not?
"ME WANT SPEAKS!"
"I said SHUT UP!"
Boom! (Crazy didn't think this.)
"Master Hand, Mewtwo's blowing up the house." Samus shouted.
"SHUT UP! I'M TRYING TO PLAY CARDS!"
"He's also going to kill Crazy."
"WHAT!" Master Hand threw down his card and turned to Jigglypuff, Pikachu, and Pichu. "Sorry, I'll be right back." Master Hand ran off. Jigglypuff, Pikachu, and Pichu sat for a couple of seconds until Jigglypuff broke the silence and said: "I vote we look at his cards."
Twenty seconds later…
"Just let him go! I don't care what he did, just let him go." Master Hand shouted at Mewtwo through a large hole in the ceiling that went all the way up into the attic, where Crazy was being held hostage.
Ooh, my autobiography. "I Never Heard of Me By Crazy M. Hand." Never heard of him.
"Look, I'm not letting him go until I get some respect. Here's a list of rules I want made. Almost all for my benefit. And, apparently, Crazy's. Number 1…"
"Here, Master Hand, this is getting you nowhere. Let me help." Samus charged her blaster and shot the floor beneath Crazy. Crazy fell through the hole Samus had just made. Samus then grappled him down. Mewtwo suddenly shut up, and the only thing that could come to his mind was: "Well, damn."
Wow, that was fun.
"WEE! LET'S DO AGAIN!"
"Hey, anybody want to play 'LET'S SEVERLY MAIM THE KITTY'?" Master Hand shouted. There was no shortage of volunteers.
Thirty minutes later…
Dinner time.
"NIGHT FOOD!"
"Ah, dinner. The one time of the day in which we all get together and beat the crap out each other. Unless, you know. Something comes up." Falco said as he and Fox sat down.
"Yeah, those are the best days."
"Quiet everyone! Before we serve the meal, I would like anybody who has anything to complain about, do it now."
"CRAZY URINATED ON ME!"
"MEWTWO'S A JERK!"
"You're a jerk."
"I HATE MAC AND CHEESE!"
"Glup, glup!"
"Crazy scares me!"
"Pansy."
"You shut up!"
(Fighting was beginning to break out.)
"I WANT A LOCK FOR MY ROOM!"
"I WANT A LOCK ON YOUR MOUTH!"
"DIDDY CAME HERE!"
"Someone keeps taking all my dollies."
(Unfortunately for Captain Falcon, for some reason things went really quiet when he said this.)
"WUSS!"
(Very quickly, everybody started hurting Captain Falcon.)
Hey, T.V.!
"VIOLENCE!"
G&W came out of the kitchen and shouted over the din: "SHUT UP, OR YOU WON'T GET DINNER!"
(This tactic worked immensely.)
"Good. Now, diner est servi."
Diner est servi?
"WHAT MEAN? TELL TELL TELL TELL TELL!"
"God… Dinner is served." Game and Watch went and sat down.
(Pikachu, Ness and Jigglypuff brought in the food.)
"Why do we always have to be the servers?"
Maybe it's because the trays fit on your heads nicely.
"TRAYS FIT HERE!" Crazy shouted, and flicked Ness. The result was that all the food Ness was carrying splattered across the dinning room.
"Good thing I gave him the bread instead of the soup." Game and Watch commented.
Five minutes later…
Mmm… spaghetti…
"SGETTI!"
"Master Hand, Crazy's getting sauce all over himself." Ganondorf shouted.
"Smack him with your butter knife."
Whap!
Ow, that hurt!
"ME HURT YOU!"
(Crazy flattened Ganondorf with the palm of his hand.)
"Ow…" Ganondorf said weakly.
Ooh, salad.
"I likey salad!"
(Unfortunately, Crazy made a grab for the salad at the same time as Yoshi. When two Smashers reach for a food at the same time, only one thing can solve the dilemma: all out brawl.)
It's my salad! I grabbed it first!
"GIVE ME SALAD! GIVE MEEEE FIRST!"
(Naturally, Yoshi did not give the salad. And commence the fight!)
"ME KILL!"
"YOSHI!"
(And they started beating the shit out of each other.)
"Hey, salad!" Zelda grabbed the bowl of salad that was sitting next to where Yoshi and Crazy were fighting.
Ten minutes later…
But I did win! He's knocked out!
"ME WIN! Knocky his outs!"
"Yeah, but the only reason you knocked him out was because of dumb luck, and a bit of his fault as well. He had you in a choke hold! You just happened too fall off the table and land on top!" Fox argued.
So, I still won! And where's my salad?
"ME WON! ME WANT SALAD!"
"Eh." It was useless to argue.
Ten minutes later…
"WE WANT DESSERT! WE WANT DESSERT! WE WANT DESSERT!"
"WE! WE! WE! WE! WE! WE! WE! WE! WE! WE! WE! WE! WE! WE!"
"I'm not getting any one dessert until you teach Crazy to say the whole thing." Game and Watch shouted over the din. He then leaned back in his chair. Knowing Crazy, this would take a while.
One hour later…
"Look, it's this simple. All you have to say is "We… Want… Dessert…" Link tried to explain. "Got that?"
Of course I do! We want dessert.
"Want!"
"Oh, God…"
(Everyone but Samus and Link had given up and left the table. Game and Watch was sleeping in his chair.)
"You realize we've spent more time trying to teach him than eating? And we've made no progress whatsoever." Samus grumbled while playing with her fork.
"Hey, I got him to say "Want!" That should be worth something."
Hey, Link accomplished something!
"WE WANT DESSERT!"
"Yeah, he also stopped saying we- WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
"GAME AND WATCH, HE SAID IT!"
"Huh? Oh, I was dozing, tell him to do it again."
"Okay, Crazy, say it again."
"Want!"
Twenty minutes later…
"We broke the record! Yay!" Dr. Mario said, waving a little victory flag around.
"Knock that off."
"Hmmm… I need to get more pills…" Dr. Mario said, grabbing the last of his pills from the jar.
Ten minutes later…
And now it's time… For that special time… For everyone to share… in…
"THE DAILY CRAZY HUNT! YAAAAAAAAAY!" Crazy bounced up and down around the living room and then ran upstairs shouting "CRAZY HUNT! CRAZY HUNT! CRAZY HUNT!"
"I'll get the tranquilizer guns out." Roy said, getting up and heading for the weapons closet.
"You do that." Master Hand said inattentively.
Five minutes later…
"All right, last time the mark was seen was in the living room. So that's why we're here. We're going to spread out from here. Zelda, you-"
"Master Hand, we do this every day. WE KNOW WHERE WE'RE FRICKING GOING!"
"All right, all right, let's go…"
Ten minutes later…
"Hey, Mewtwo, why can't you just detect his psychic waves? That would make this really easy. Or at least you could look." Link said, looking around the library.
"I can."
"Oh? Detect him? Then why don't you?"
"Well, after what you guys did to me earlier today, I don't feel any incentive to do anything to help you guys."
"Yeah, the thing is, you never help us."
"Oh. Maybe I just don't like you guys."
Mewtwo, the only person who wouldn't like to have me locked up in a padded cell. Thank you for not helping.
You're welcome.
(Link sighed as he left the library.)
"Damn Mewtwo." He thought to himself. "Damn Master Hand for making us do this."
(Link walked by a portrait of Master Hand. He stopped, pulled out a permanent marker, and drew a mustache and eyebrows on the picture.)
"Heh heh." He put the marker back his pocket and kept walking. He suddenly stopped and turned around. The portrait was exactly the same as it had been before he drew on it.
"Oh dam-"
"ME GOT LINKY!"
(Crazy bowled Link down and threw him across the room.)
That was fun!
"Heeheehee!" He giggled.
"Hey Crazy. Nice mustache." Marth said, eyeing him funnily. This completely startled Crazy, and in his fright, he smashed through the wall.
Wow, Marth scared me!
"AHH! MARTHY POP! SCARE!"
"Hey, Master Hand, I found Crazy. Well, actually, I kinda just heard him, but yeah, I think we can find him from here." Young Link said.
"… Just get him down here."
Five minutes later…
"Crazy seems to have disappeared." Marth said.
"Yes, and there also seems to be a hole in the wall. And you look like a girl. AND YOU'RE STATING THE OBVIOUS A LOT!" Master Hand shouted.
"Geez, don't get so irritable. You know, I think we might have a better chance of finding him if we just shot randomly. Here, watch."
If this works, then I'm insane.
(Marth fired once and hit Zelda.)
"Ooh… Well, maybe if I tried again."
Not a chance.
(Marth fired again and this time hit D.K.)
"Oh, darn. Maybe third time's the charm."
"The only reason I'm not stopping you is because this is highly amusing."
"Thanks."
He can't hit me.
"YOU CAN'T ME!"
"Huh!" Marth turned quickly and fired at where Crazy was, which was on top of the chandelier. Unfortunately, he missed.
Ha, I knew it!
"AHA! ME KNOWS!"
(Unfortunately for Crazy, his shouting had attracted better shots then Marth. Samus, Fox, and Falco all fired at Crazy at the same time. For some completely inexplicable reason, the chandelier broke and fell before he could be hit.)
"WAH!" Crazy got up off of the broken chandelier, and ran into a wall, knocking himself unconscious.
"Oh… Wow…" Master Hand said. "Okay, could you take him to bed? I need to find someone to take care of Zelda and D.K." Master Hand walked off.
"Man, it's a good thing Crazy isn't as hard assed as he is." Fox grumbled.
"Hard… Ass… Hee hee hee hee." Crazy giggled in his sleep as he was dragged up the stairs.
Darkwarrior17: I'll make this quick, since I've got to be somewhere soon. Well, this took way longer to make then I expected… I figured first or second weekend in January. Not the last. I would have had this last week, but when I finished it the ending sucked. So, figuring I'd probably hate myself if I put it up like that, I changed it to what you previously read. I'd like to give special thanks to black mage jr., for giving me the idea, to my editor, genny62890, also known as my sister, and to anybody to who read and reviewed. I give regular thanks to anybody who just read. REVEIWS WILL BE ANSWERED IN MY OTHER STORY!