Hey, just cleaning out my old folders. But I wish the show could give Lee more misadventures, even though it would slow down the plot too much. Sigh.
~0~
"Uh, Lee? Yeah, you've got a distress call coming in. Better go check it out." Biffy looked concernedly at his laptop, typing away. The Detentionaire turned in his seat to give him a look.
"Dude, what do you mean, 'distress call'?"
"I mean there's someone out there who's in distress and is requesting your help!" The older boy gave him a look in return. Lee furrowed his brows.
"How- why would they call you, then?" Just tell me, it's not like I don't have enough problems.
"I'll tell you on your way. Just sync it up, baby!"
Still confused, Lee clicked his phone against Biffy's a hauled himself into the vent. Why was the bully being so difficult. It wasn't like he had a conspiracy spiraling around him, oh, no . . .
"Okay, Biffy, I'm above the hallway. Explain." He pushed his earpiece into place and settled into the frown he'd gotten used to wearing. Holger told him it made him look threatening.
"Pssh. Fine. And stop making that face, dude, you look like you're gonna cry or something."
Lee's face smoothed out. Maybe he shouldn't take advice from a guy terrified of monkeys.
"Okay, so. Everyone knows you sneak out. Common knowledge, or at least it should be, because honestly your disguises are terrible."
"That's not true!"
"Yeah, 'El Beardo'? Anyway, I set up this hotline for people to call if they're ever in trouble and need your help."
"So this phoneline is just for everyone? You wanna buy me a jetpack?" He can't count on Vice Principal Victoria every time he needs a ride.
"No, stupid, it's only for students. The good deeds you end up doing might cancel out all your bad deeds." Biffy's voice took on a wheedling tone. "You might even get a lead, Mr. Conspiracy. Whaddya say?"
"Fine okay I'll do it. What's the stitch?"
"Are you really gonna start that?"
"Red haired super-spy and the gadget guy that stays in one place? It's already begun."
"Ugh, whatever. Head to the talent show, backstage." Lee was about to ask another question but Biffy cut the line and left him on his own. That's okay, he knew this place like the back of his hand, except for the part where, oh, he still had no idea what the hell he was going to do when he got there. 'Helping someone out' could be anything from winning the fencing competition for them to pretending to be a euro-edgy violin player to score hats for cat-lovers. Why couldn't Biffy just explain it to him- he already had fifty bazillion other puzzles to solve . . .
Meanwhile Biffy was reclining in his chair, holding Mrs. Rumple Kitty-Kat up to eye level.
"Where does he get off on that, if I wasn't too big and also terrifying I would do this myself, I mean really."
"Meow."
And few sharp bends later and Lee was hopping out of the vent and onto the rough wood floor of backstage. Maybe all this chasing reptiles around was good for him- flipping out of a small space and landing spot on was no longer a way to get into the ER. Cool. Hey, maybe he should-
"Wha-ack!" A pair of hands grabbed him from behind, dragging him off into the darkness. When he opened his eyes again, he was in a dressing room. A girls dressing room, if the pink interior and frilly costumes are anything to go by.
"Oops. Sorry, I think I'm in the wrong-"
"Listen up, Ping, and listen good." Uh what. A Glamazon? Huh? "I'm only gonna say this once. Brandy is out sick today and she was supposed to be the back-up dancer that finally made this dance routine even. We practised with a fifth person, we signed up with five people, we are not going to let the world see us with only four. It's not happening."
"Okay, so do you want me to go get another-"
"Ping." Kimmie walked in with the other Glamazons. "I called that stupid Lee-Line-" What? That's what it's called? "-for one reason, and one alone. You're the only kid that Barrage isn't gonna look for in the crowd. You're gonna be our back-up dancer. Just follow their lead-" She nodded her head at the girls behind her- "-and you won't screw up entirely."
What.
"You want me to waltz onstage in front of Barrage and just do whatever girly dance you've thought up?" Oops, wrong thing to say to a bunch of girls, note to self you are amoung hostiles. See Biffy this is why you shouldn't make the paranoid kid try and figure out girls on his own.
"FYI, Holger thought it up." Kimmie had managed to learn the trio's names through repitition. "And don't be stupid, you're going incognito. Just put on the uniform behind that screen and then we'll talk." She gestured to a lump of glittery clothing and glared at him. "Hurry it up, you don't have long."
Lee, unresponsive, found himself being shoved behind the wooden slats that made up the screen with the pile of fabric in his arms. What had possessed Biffy to put him through this? He pulled off his shirt and shoes, examining the costume. Stupid Biffy, stupid phone, stupid detention, stupid talent show, stupid barrage, stupi- what the hell is this.
If I get out of this alive, he thought as he held the thing out in front of him, I'm giving Biffy a piece of my mind.
"Oh, lookit the cute little dorkwad!" The Glamazons were a giggling, cooing mess by the time he stepped into the open, all the articles on correctly. They pulled out their phones, snapping pictures. "I'm calling this one 'Ping's First Crossdressing.'"
"Very funny. But if this is your idea of incognito then you're even worse at this than I am."
He was exagerating, of course. He'd found the tag on the dress with 'Made by Biffy' written on it, and had discovered after he'd tightened all the straps that it was padded enough to give him a Glamazons figure. By this point he wouldn't put it past Biffy to have poisoned Brandy in order to make this happen.
"Oh, we're only getting started."
~0~
"And now, Ladies and Germs, I, Chaz Monerainian, am happy to introduce . . . the Glamazons!" Stepak rolled his eyes at the flamboyant reporter. Tina was out at a Dentist appointment and Chaz was living his dream. "How'd I do? Does my hair still look good? Man, I can't wait to see the look on Kwee's face when she see's I was the star of the show and not her! Oh, this is gonna be so GOOD!"
Lee, however, was not nearly so pleased. The Glamalligators had given him hair extensions and layers of make-up he hadn't even known existed, then shoved him out here. He was good at fighting Hazmats and screwing up, how Biffy had gotten the notion he was proficient at anything else was beyond him. This song was bouncy and girly and ugh and involved a lot of prancing and flipping of the skirts, which was just snotty icing on the cake made of tofu.
"Hey, Lee, my main man!" Oh, God, Cam just called him. Shoot. He was a little busy here!
"Dude, you should see this new chikita! I've never seen her before but man is she hot or what. I don't know what kind of Lee Ping Super-Spy stuff you're doing right now but if it's a slow day, man, just watch from the rafters or something, you're way missing out here. Wait, hold on, I'm gonna try and get her attention." Somewhere in the massive crowd he heard a wolf-whistle. A quick peek confirmed it- there sat his two buddies, the shorter of which was staring at him intently.
"Dude, I think she is ignoring me, like hello I am totally into you here. Stop playing hard to get, I am totally a good catch. I mean, yeah I got smallish legs but it's not like I'm under the size limit or anything. Come on, you hot chikita you, pay attention to me!"
Thankfully, there was a skirt flip at the same moment he gave Cam the bird, so the rest of the world didn't see this supposed Glamazon doing something so vulgar.
"WOAH, amigo, she just flipped me off. Ooh, I like her. She's got that spunk I so love in my chikitas." Several spins, prances and wolf-whistles later, Lee finally caught a break. Holger had managed to steal Cam's phone, and spoke to him in the same voice he alays imagined kicked puppies to have.
"Friend Lee, where are you right now? Can perchance you save Holger from Cam's descriptive flirting before Holger's brains go kafliffershtoomp?"
"Hey, blondie!" Oh, great, now Biffy was in on the call. "Cut the guy some slack, it's not like the flirting is fun for him either. Think about it. Do you recognise that girl onstage?"
"No . . . why does the big scary man ask?"
"Dude we are almost exactly the same heig- you know what forget it. That girl with the red hair is Lee. Got it?"
"WHAT? Friend Lee, is this true? Signal me!"
The other Glamazons similtainiously do twirls in midair, so Lee takes a chance and waves in Holger's general direction.
"Gasp! I did not see this coming at all!"
"Dude, what is the bromigo goin' on about?" Ah, Cam has stolen his phone back. "Where are you?"
They do another twirl now, and as he mentally punches Biff in the face Lee whispers quickly, "Onstage."
"What do you mean, man, the only people onstage are the dancers- oh, wait, you mean above-stage." A pause. "Dude there's no one up there. What are you even on, man, signal me or something, I'm dying here."
He flipped his skirts around in time with the others, flipping Cam off with the hand that wasn't twirling a ribbon around.
"Oh man, that chickita is just flipping me off again. What is her deal, seriously, I'm not even within twenty feet or anything- oh, wait, holy crap- is that you?" Lee can't answer at first, as he's doing a spontaneous interchangable cartwheel with the girls, but when they complete their gyrating cycle he whispers a soft affirmative.
"Oh my god- why didn't you tell me, man!"
Holger says something in the background, sounding rather pitiful. Cam replies, fogetting to hold away the phone.
"Yeah, man, I know you said the hot chikita was Lee, but I could hardly believe you! I mean look at her she looks nothing like our amigo!" He turned his attention back to Lee. "No, man, why didn't you tell me you looked hot as a chikita?"
"You have the sickest friends ever." Ah, that would be Biffy. Again.
"You shut up!" Not now Cam, c'mon. "What are you even doing on this line, you big scary guy? Don't you have people to terrorize?"
"And cats to pet?" Lee isn't facing the audience, so he takes the chance. Even though shaking his skirts at the crowd like this is really embarasing. "Guys, chill! As soon as the song's over I'll be back in detention in a few minutes, easy."
"Dude, nothing is ever easy with you- oh, hey, cute butt. Wow, working out is good for you. I should try it sometime. Maybe pick up some chikitas."
"Gross. I'm telling you Ping, I'd watch my back near this guy. He's freaking me out." A small meow accompanies Biffy statment, and Lee tries not to smile.
"I see Ms. Rumple Kitty-Cat is here today."
"Oh, yeah. She wants to say, hello, by the way."
"Meow."
Lee does another cartwheel with the glamazon beside him, then steps back into place and continues to dance. Cam speaks up again when he does a spinning twirl-kick thing in midair.
"Bro, I am not even kidding about this. How do you get those butt muscles so defined? I mean, the other chikitas, they have cute butts too, but you've got like a super-butt or something."
"Super?" Oh, look. Holger has found his phone and tapped into the line. Whoopee. "I will sing the Super Song for you, Lee!"
As Lee does a few flips he almost misses the cues for and runs to switch places with another girl before they do their apparent finale, he has the voice of the tall scandinavian in his ear.
"Dum da dumdum daddadaddadada da DAH dada dah dah dah dun dum shoodoo dum da-"
"I'm not kidding here, Ping. Just get a cat or something, who needs friends like these. That small one specifically. He might sneak up on you from behind-"
"Sneak up on the King of Paranoia, bro? Are you listening to yourself?"
"-You're gonna have to punch him or something. There is a reason girls avoid that guy, Ping. Other than the fact that he is not a girl himself and not a Ken doll in disguise. If he was, though, his disguises are MOST DEFINITLY better than yours. El Beardo my butt. Speaking of which, don't let Yoda over there touch your butt. Kick-flip him if he does."
Goddamit Biffy don't make me laugh when I'm the base of a human pyramid- an idea struck and he whispers softly.
"Or I'd have the Tatzel Wurm rip his face off."
"Oh, that's right." Biffy spoke over Holgers whimpering and Cam's indignant grunt. "Man, you'd be like that freaky Scott Pilgrim, except instead of evil exes, your unfortunate love interest has to battle your buddies. There are about seven evil exes, right? So me, blondie, small weird one, and the tatzel. Dude, you have like no friends- you don't even have enough for seven evil exes."
"I will be the rest!" Apparently Holger has recovered. "I am good at pretending to be more than one person! Friend Lee, I will help you in this matter by being the remaining evil exes. Although maybe not so evil. I will be your remaining tolerably annoying exes, okay? Okay!"
Lee was still at the bottom of this god forsaken pyramid, when the hell were they gonna- oh, thank goodness, they were jumping down. They were done. Finally.
When they had all made it backstage and Kimmie looked over at him, maybe about to say something, he just gave a friendly salute and leapt up into the vent. Hello, comfort zone!
~0~
He made it back a few minutes before Barrage slammed through the door, just enough time to take off the disguise and hide it in the filing cabinet.
"DE-SMISSED!" Ignoring the squeak in his otherwise intimidating shout, Barrage gave one last glare and stomped off.
"It's a good thing he never comes in here, Ping.
"What?"
"Nothing. Nice heels."
Lee looked down as Biffy made his way outside. Sure enough, he was still wearing those ridiculous high-tops the Glamazons had forced on him, including the stockings that easily went up to mid-thigh. Oh, man, he had completely forgotten about them. They were actually pretty comfortable.
Don't tell Kimmie.