Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: Please excuse any typos I may have missed!

Chapter One

Can't Let Go

Kaidan Alenko stared at the Normandy's memorial wall, plaque in hand. How was he supposed to add her name to list of the dead? Not hers. He sucked in a ragged breath. I can't do this.

He felt a gentle hand rest on his shoulder. Turning his head, he found the sorrowful and sympathetic blue eyes of Liara T'Soni. "Kaidan, I know how hard this is, but her names deserves to be up there."

He shook his head. "We don't know if she's...gone. Not for sure. I...I can't accept that. She's alive. I can feel it."

"Kaidan..."

He turned his attention back to the wall. "Until we find her, please just let me dream that there's a chance."

The Asari woman sighed, blinking back tears, and gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze before stepping away, leaving him to his grief.

At some point during his scattered thoughts, he had somehow managed to bring himself to Shepard's cabin, a place he had spent many nights with her wrapped in his arms. Taking a shaky breath, he allowed his honey brown eyes to scan the room, half expecting to see her sprawled out on the bed on her stomach, shuffling through datapads.

Seeing the bed completely empty nearly broke him. Why was he torturing himself like this? Surrounding himself with her belongings. A hint of her floral shampoo still clung to the air like some cruel joke.

Walking over to her desk, he reached into his pocket, pulling out the small box that had been torturing him for the past week. The last purchase he had made at the Citadel while they were on shore leave.

With shaky hands, he flipped the lid open and stared at the only content inside. The ring was simple; a small diamond nestled between two slightly smaller sapphires in a platinum band. Amara was never one for jewelry, not in their line of work. But he had hoped that it was simple enough for her tastes, with enough elegance that she deserved.

The gems glistened mockingly at him under the fluorescent lighting.

He had never gotten the chance to ask her. Everytime he tried, he had been either interrupted or he had simply lost his nerve, his stupid mouth just didn't want to cooperate with him. But during the final push to the beam, Shepard had forced him and Garrus to evacuate the battlefield. He had begged her not to leave him behind. Not again.

He could still feel her hand pressed against his cheek, could still hear her whispering that no matter what happened, she would always love him. He watched her turn and race towards the beam with the remaining soldiers, each step she took away from him, the more he struggled against Garrus' grip. He'd finally yelled out "marry me" to her retreating form, but with all of the gunfire and chaos, she hadn't heard him.

Kaidan knew, deep down, that Amara Shepard was alive. Somehow, somewhere, he would find her this time. He wouldn't spend another two years in the dark, mourning the woman he loved, only to find out later that she was alive and working for Cerberus.

He closed his eyes, remembering the first time he had lost her. When the Collector's attacked the Normandy SR-1, Kaidan's first instinct was to run to Shepard, to protect her at all costs, everything else came second. He had found her safe, and as usually, completely calm while the rest of the crew were screaming and running for the EVAC shuttles. She was doing what she did best, making sure that the surviving crew members made it off the ship.

When he informed her that Joker refused to leave the cockpit and abandon ship, she never hesitated. Amara ordered Kaidan to get the remaining crew to the EVAC pods. He'd refused at first, he couldn't leave her behind. But her voice, so sure and certain that things were going to be okay, he relented. She was Commander Shepard, after all. Nothing could bring her down.

Kaidan had tracked the final pod, knowing they would be in it. But opening the pod and finding Joker alone, his heart stopped. "Shepard?"

The flight Lieutenant had simply shook his head, the haunted expression on his face revealing everything that should be said, but couldn't be. She hadn't made it.

Kaidan had fallen to his knees, the realization of losing Amara too much to handle. She was gone, and he had never gotten the chance to tell her that he loved her...

The Alliance searched for weeks for any signs of her body, finally coming to the conclusion that it had been too badly burned as it entered the atmosphere of Alchera. They had only managed to find her dog tags, which Kaidan had taken and worn around his neck.

After her memorial, he immersed himself into his work and into the Alliance. Their destruction of both Saren and Sovereign had earned him a promotion he hadn't felt he deserved. Shepard had done the real work, he had just been along for the ride and to help where he could.

Despite engrossing himself in work, it hadn't helped ease the pain of losing her, and it didn't help that the Normandy's crew had become famous – he was constantly having to turn down offers for drinks by a lot of women. It had been too soon.

Reports of Amara being alive had begun to surface on the Citadel just days before Councilor Anderson had sent him to protect Horizon – a small human-populated planet in the Iera system – calculating that it was the most likely the next target to be hit.

At the time, the Alliance believed that Cerberus was behind the human abductions, and Kaidan had been sent to investigate. When the reports that Shepard was alive and working for the terrorist organization started, the man couldn't believe it – he wouldn't believe it. There was no way that the woman he loved, the woman he had watch protect the innocent, would never ally herself with the likes of them.

But the moment he saw Amara standing there, still engulfed within the blue haze of her biotics, it was like his entire world stopped, narrowing down to focus only on her. He had never felt so many conflicting emotions at once; joy, relief, fear, rage. She stood there, as powerful and as beautiful as ever, and it took his breath away. Her crimson hair was longer than he remembered, sticking to her forehead and wild around her face. Pale skin flushed, her emerald green eyes searching the perimeter for more danger.

From where he had stood, he could see the scarring along her cheeks and jawline, the only indication that anything had even happened to her, which was quite different than the image his imagination had originally conjured up...the image that had haunted his dreams for the past two years.

Kaidan's first instinct had been to run to her, to wrap her in his arms; to feel her warm, living, breathing body against his. He yearned to hear and feel her heartbeat. The compulsion to run to her was nearly staggering. He held himself back, though. How could he be sure it was really her, and not some AI posing as the woman he loved. But she certainly looked like his Shepard.

But if it was really her...why hadn't she contacted him? Two years and not one call? Nothing at all?

Amara seemed just as torn to see him, her eyes searching his face the entire time he approached her, taking a small, hesitant step back. He could tell that she knew he was angry, by the way she gently chewed on her bottom lip.

She was flanked by Garrus Vakarian, a Turian ex-C-sec officer who had helped them defeat Saren and Sovereign, and a Krogan he didn't know. They both stood protectively beside her the closer he came, the Krogan's shotgun aimed and at the ready until Shepard's hand came up, indicating that he lower his weapon. "Easy, Grunt. "

He sneered, but did as she asked and took a step back. The Turian had been a little more relaxed, but his bird-like blue eyes narrowed slightly.

Amara Shepard had always been one to inspire loyalty in those she worked with.

He stood, staring into her green eyes for the longest time, searching for answers as she nervously shuffled her feet, not knowing what to do or say.

Kaidan took a deep breath. He would always regret his actions on Horizon, the way he had treated her. If he had only taken the time to listen to her, they wouldn't have lost more time together.

"Kaidan," she whispered as he finally took her into his arms, not being able to stop himself. She felt and smelled like his Shepard.

"I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did." The scent of her hair, though sweaty from battle was so familiar that he'd nearly lost it.

"It's been too long, Kaidan." she breathed as he reluctantly pulled away from her. "How've you been?"

And just like that, the anger was back. "That's all you've got to say? You show up after two years and act like nothing happened?"

The tone of his voice made Amara take a step back, confusion and hurt evident in her features, and she was chewing on her bottom lip again. A trait of hers that he had loved about her. She had never been easy to read, but that one little habit showed her vulnerability when she was nervous.

This time, however, it just pissed him off more. "I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real. I-I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

"That wasn't by choice, Kaidan. I spent the last two years in some sort of coma while Cerberus basically rebuilt me." she said, her voice pained.

Kaidan's heart sank and he took several steps back from her. He could feel his biotics start to tingle as anger and the sense of betrayal settled over him. "You're with Cerberus now. Garrus, too. I can't believe the reports were right."

Garrus took protective step towards Shepard, his blue, bird-like eyes glaring at Kaidan, and he snorted. "Reports. You mean you already knew."

He nodded. "Alliance Intel got reports that Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. I got a tip that this colony might be the next to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy."

Amara frowned, crossing her arms over her chest defensively. "Cerberus and I want the same thing; to save our colonies, but that doesn't mean I answer to them."

Kaidan scoffed. "Do you really believe that, or is that what they want you to think? I wanted to believe the rumors were true, that you were alive. But I never expected anything like this! You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me."

"Now wait just a damn minute, Kaidan." Garrus' angry voice snapped, but Amara held up her hand to silence him. A low growl rumbled in his chest, but he backed off.

"No, it's okay, Garrus," she assured him as she turned her green eyes back to Kaidan. "You know me. You know I would only do this for the right reasons. You saw it yourself, the Collector's are targeting human colonies and they're working with the Reapers."

His brown eyes searched her face. She seemed so sincere. She truly believed that she was doing the right thing. He sighed. "I want to believe you, Shepard, but I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?"

Grunt shifted his weapon in hands. "Can I shoot him now?"

"No," Amara and Garrus both scolded the Krogan.

"You guys are no fun." he mumbled, glaring at Kaidan.

Shepard turned back to Kaidan, her emerald eyes pleading for him to understand. "You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts."

"Maybe I am. Or maybe you feel like you owe them for saving you. Maybe you're the one not thinking straight. You've changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier, always will be." he paused, trying to force himself to be strong willed and not succume to the hurt expression on her face. "I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not."

He started to turn, to walk away from her, feeling his resolve start to crumble. She looked so hurt…

"I could really use someone like you on my team, Kaidan. It'd be just like old times."

Did she really just ask him to join her? Had this been another time, another situation, he would have jumped at the chance. He never felt complete during her absence, but he wouldn't abandon the Alliance. "No, it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus." He had to go, to distance himself from the temptation that was Amara Shepard. "Goodbye, Shepard. Be careful…"

If only he had listened to her instead of storming off the way he had. His fingers traced over the memorial plaque again. It had hurt to walk away from her on Horizon just as badly as it had when he thought she was gone. He had regretted what he had said almost instantly, but by the time he had turned back, to stop her from leaving, she had been aboard a shuttle off planet. Like she couldn't have gotten away from him fast enough.

He couldn't blame her. He sent her an email a few days later, apologizing for his actions, but she never responded. Kaidan knew he had hurt her badly, and he hated himself for it.

It was sort of funny, in a way, that it had been the arrival of the Reapers that had forced them back together. When he had nearly been killed on Mars, Amara had rushed him to the Citadel as quickly as she could, and stayed for as long as she was able while he was unconscious. His doctor's told him how a "pretty redhead" had been camped outside of his hospital room for the past few days, until she was forced to leave for Palaven.

It made him determined to make everything right between them again. They had lost so much time, thanks to the Collectors, Cerberus, the Alliance, and his sheer stubbornness.

He wasn't going to let it happen again.

Resolved, he left the cabin and made his way towards the Normandy's main battery. He found Garrus leaning against the console, staring into space. The Turian hadn't said much since Shepard had the two of them EVACED from London's battlefield. He knew Amara's fate weighed heavily on him, too.

Garrus and Shepard had developed a close bond during their time with Cerberus. How close, Kaidan wasn't entirely sure, but he had always respected the Turian, especially after he had stood up against him in her defense on Horizon.

And right now, he had information that the Major needed. He hoped so, at least.

"Hey there, Alenko." Garrus greeted him, his normally playful tone was now emotionless, defeated. "How are you holding up?" he paused. "Okay, that was a stupid question, I know. But you look like you haven't slept."

"I haven't," Kaidan admitted. "I just keep thinking that she's out there somewhere, Garrus. Alone, hurt. But I think she's alive. I need to find her." his voice broke with emotion. "One way or another."

The Turian nodded. "I've considered that myself. There's no one in the entire galaxy tougher and more resilient than Shepard." he sighed, crossing his arms over his armored chest. "But Kaidan, we need to move fast. If she's badly injured and hasn't been found, she...doesn't have much time."

"Agreed. I doubt any of the crew will oppose a search and rescue, but I'm going to call everyone into the briefing room, find out where everyone stands. Don't want to force anyone…" his voice trailed off. "If...if she's badly hurt, we may need some of Shepard's old Cerberus' contacts." The admission tasted bitter and foul on his tongue, but it was all he had.

"Liara should still have Jacob and Miranda's contact information. They cared about Amara, so I'm sure they will be more than willing to help, assuming of course, they're both still alive. And you know I'm in, of course."

Kaidan clasped the Turian on the back. "Thanks, Garrus. I knew I could count on you."

Garrus looked the man in the eye, his tone deadly serious. "That's my best friend out there, Alenko. The galaxy may be ready to give up on her, but not you, and sure as hell not me."

The Major rubbed his hands over his face, physically and emotionally exhausted. "I'll call everyone to the briefing room, let them know what's going on."

The atmosphere in the briefing room was somber. This should have been a time of celebration. The Reapers had been destroyed, Earth and the entire galaxy had been saved. But here, on the Normandy SR-2, everyone was in mourning.

Kaidan was already starting to get a little tired of the sympathetic looks everyone seemed to be casting him. He would accept them when and if, and only if, they found Shepard and his worst fear was founded. But not until then.

He wasn't entirely sure when their relationship had become so public. They had been so careful at the beginning of their relationship, before the original Normandy was hit. Kaidan was not one to break regulations, but he couldn't help himself. Most nights, he found himself sneaking off to her cabin while most of the crew slept, and sneaking out just before they awoke. He'd felt like a teenager again.

His chest painfully constricted. If his instincts were wrong, he would never have that feeling again. He knew that there would never be anyone else.

Shaking his head to clear out those depressing thoughts, Kaidan cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. "We're going on a search and rescue. Amara is out there somewhere, and I won't accept anything else. I'm not going to force anyone to go with us, of course. It's completely voluntary. But I would like to put it out there that Shepard would not accept leaving any of her people behind. She would go out of her way to save any one of us." He couldn't stop his voice from breaking with emotion. He had never been the best at motivational speaking, not like Shepard. But he hoped he had made some impact.

The room was deadly silent as the Normandy's crew contemplated on what to do. "Kaidan," Liara finally whispered. "you know the likelihood of her survival is low."

"She survived the first Normandy's destruction," Tali-Zorah reminded her, sniffling. "if there is a chance, no matter how small, we need to take it. Shepard would do it for us."

"Why are you so willing to give up on her, Liara?" Kaidan demanded, bringing his fists down hard onto the table they were all gathered around. "Weren't you the one who brought Shepard to Cerberus in the first place?"

Eyes flew to the Asari, whose own eyes widened as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

That hadn't been common knowledge, apparently, and Kaidan regretted his outburst. He himself had been furious when Amara had told him about Liara handing her lifeless body over to Cerberus, but now that he was able to look at the big picture, having Shepard alive was far more important. He didn't have time to dwell on it now, he'd apologize later. "We don't know what kind of state we will find her in," he continued, bringing everyone's attention back to himself.

"We figured you could get in touch with Miranda," Garrus said, pacing the small briefing room. Now that there was a plan in motion, the Turian hadn't been able to sit still. "just in case."

Liara chewed on her bottom lip, leaning her forearms against the table. "Of course I will. But it's already been twenty-four hours. If she's still alive and hasn't been found..." she let the depressing thought trail off, her eyes resting on Kaidan. "I just think you're setting yourself up for a fall."

Kaidan shook his head. "That's why I need everyone who's willing to be on board for this. I know everyone is tired and that this is a lot to ask from you…"

"It's not."

The Major found the owner of the voice seated to his left belonging to Steve Cortez, the Normandy's shuttle pilot. He didn't know him too well, but Shepard had always spoken highly of him.

"We don't leave family behind," Cortez continued, his azure blue eyes set in determination. "Shepard's family. I'm in."

Kaidan nodded. "Thanks, Cortez."

To his right sat James Vega, his bulky, tattooed arms crossed over his chest. He was the "muscle" that had been recruited to guard Amara during her house arrest. He seemed nice enough, though maybe a little too friendly towards Shepard at times for Kaidan's liking, with his constant flirting and calling her "Lola." She had always laughed it off, much to the Major's relief.

"I'm in, too." the man said. "Can't let Esteban have all the fun."

The Major nodded his head towards the younger marine in thanks.

"I believe it's safe to say that we're all in." Doctor Karin Chakwas stated, wiping a stray tear from her grey eyes. "There's not one person aboard this ship that doesn't owe his or her life to the Commander."

"Where do we even begin?" Tali asked, wringing her hands together nervously.

"I haven't been able to establish a connection to her omni-tool since we crashed," Liara informed them, trying once again without success. "I can't get a pinpoint on her location. All we really have to go on is finding out exactly where the Citadel crash landed."

He was about to respond when the static crackling of the Normandy's comm system flared to life. "Sorry to interrupt, but there's an incoming transmission from Wrex. He says it's urgent."

"Patch him through, Joker."

"Aye, aye." he replied. "For what it's worth, I'm in, too."

"Thanks, Joker. Appreciate it."

A few moments later, a blurry image of the Krogan Battlemaster appeared before the crew. "'Bout time I got through to you pyjaks," Wrex grumbled. "Communication systems seem to be sketchy galaxy wide. I've been trying to get through for four hours. Seems like most of the relays were damaged alongside the Reapers." he paused. "What's your current position?"

"We crash landed just outside of the Sol system," Garrus informed him. "we're on our way back to Earth right now."

Wrex was silent for a moment. "I assume you're coming to look for Shepard."

Kaidan stiffened as the rest of the crew fell silent, waiting. He swallowed hard, forcing the wretched words out of his mouth. "Any sign of her? Last we heard, they still hadn't found her body, but the Alliance had declared her..."

The Krogan held up his hand, having heard enough. "We found her."

It felt like the air had been sucked out of the room. Kaidan's heart was pounding so hard and fast in his ears he just barely made out what Wrex was saying.

"She's alive. Barely."