A/n: Pointless fluff because I can. Stream of thought writing style.
How Clyde got himself a boyfriend, he'll never know. One day he was moping around, still complaining about his single status and how lonely he was, then the next thing he knew, he got taken off the market... by a guy. A dude with a dick bigger than his. And to make matters worse, it wasn't just some guy. It was Craig motherfucking Tucker.
Okay, Clyde had to admit his own booty was irresistible. Seriously, he was too hot for his own good if his best friend fell in love with him after one grab of the ass. Rather than blame Craig for being a pervert- chasing after the booty- Clyde felt sorry for him. Poor guy. Clyde was pretty sure if Craig knew he'd be susceptible to the hypnotic power of the perky cheeks, the raven would've never gotten into a bet with Stan over whose best friend had the better booty.
"This is a round butt, Marsh," Craig sneered, slapping a hand onto Clyde's unsuspecting bottom and giving it a few squeezes for good measure. "Not that flatland you call Kyle's ass. Look how Clyde's jiggle. Betcha Kyle's can't do that even in your wet dreams."
Until that moment, Clyde had no idea Craig thought of his butt that way. They might've stared at each others' bodies in the locker room, and fine, peeked at one another when they changed during sleepovers, but the statement came as a shock to Clyde. It felt out of the blue since Craig never sang anyone's praises.
Clyde was Craig's polar opposite in that regard. If given the chance, Clyde would shower Craig with endless compliments from dawn till dusk. Always, always, always, he'd find something nice to say about his best friend.
In middle school, the noirette got braces and Clyde told him, "It's cool dude. No one will care. You have very kissable lips." When the braces came off and Craig smiled more often, Clyde told him he looked cute. Adorable even. Craig scowled, causing Clyde to laugh and teasingly say Craig was being sexy. There was not one part of Craig's body-from head to toe-that Clyde had not complimented before. However, in turn, Craig had stayed silent about his praises for the brunette.
Craig expressing his approval was a novelty. Not that Clyde didn't think Craig was wrong. He agreed wholeheartedly of the male booties, his was the finest specimen. Clyde was so happy someone else agreed with his assessment, he wasn't aware of Craig's wandering hand. He should've known something was off when his friend's hand lingered longer than it should have.
Damn his wonderful toned bottom lumps.
Months after that incident, he woke up one day and went to Craig's house to pick him up for school. Clyde didn't get a hello or "I hate Mondays" like he normally did when Craig popped into his car. He got a fucking kiss on the cheek. If that wasn't weird enough, they spent the entire school day walking hand in hand. Craig's behavior baffled the hell out of Clyde, but he didn't mind it. He...sort of enjoyed it even?
Craig smiled more in his presence; hugged him when he least expected it. If he asked nicely, Craig treated him out to Taco Bell. Shit, one time he forgot his jacket at home, and Craig lent him his chullo hat. THE chullo hat.
Clyde didn't know what was going on with Craig, but it felt good. He liked the feeling of being pampered. It wasn't until 2 weeks later when Craig shoved a tongue down his throat did he realize they'd been dating.
When they kissed for the first time, Clyde panicked for all of two seconds. Instead of freaking out because, holy shit, not only was this his best friend kissing him, it was a dude, his thoughts at the time were, "Craig's lips are a lot dryer than I expected. Gotta buy him some chapstick to use. Nivea? EOS? Nope, Babylips. Yeah, I'm going to get him Babylips."
Clyde didn't think of himself as gay- had a hard time imagining himself making out with a guy- but it didn't take him long to buy Craig those Babylips chapsticks.
Five months into their "relationship", Clyde finally found the will to break away from their kiss.
"It was my ass huh?" he panted, his lips swollen and red from Craig's overly attentive ministration. "You liked me because of my butt?"
Electric blue eyes stared at him dumbfounded. "Clyde...are you serious?" Craig said after a long period silence, "I knew you were slow, but after five months of dating? Are you fucking kidding me?"
Clyde tilted his chin up in defiance at being called slow. "No! I'm not kidding. You never told me why you liked me, so tell me!"
Craig stared at him again, trying to discern whether the boy in front of him was joking or not. He ran a hand down his face when it was apparent Clyde was 100 percent serious.
"Clyde, what do you think of my teeth?" The noirette's voice was muffled by his hand over his face.
"Colgate perfect?" Clyde was confused over the change of subject. What did Craig's teeth have to do with them going out?
The taller boy moved his hand aside; the tiny upturn on the corner of his eye, a clear sign he was amused. "My teeth are crooked as fuck, even after the braces."
Clyde shook his head. Before he could argue Craig's point, the other male interrupted him. "And my voice? You don't find it annoying? Too nasally?"
"No!" Clyde looked offended on Craig's behalf. "I like your voice. It's the best at cutting through all the bullshit!"
This time, a soft rumble emitted from Craig's chest. The smile wasn't on his lips, but Clyde could see it as clear as day in the other boy's eyes.
"Do you think I'm an asshole?" Craig murmured, brushing the brunette's hair behind his ear. "Am I a fucking jerk that deserves to die in a ditch because I don't give a fuck about anyone?"
Clyde wrinkled his nose in disgust. "What the hell? You're the nicest person I know. The only person that tolerates me whining and crying." Clyde's green eyes flared. "Has someone been saying shit about you? Because if I find out who's been talking smacking about my friend I'll-"
Craig shook his head. "Clyde, you're and idiot, but you're my idiot." Gently, he kissed the brunette on the forehead. "If you still can't figure out why I like you, I'm going to have to chain you to my side so you don't get lost walking down the street."
Patiently, Craig petted Clyde's hair as he waited for the shorter boy to figure it out himself.
"I said it was because of my ass. Was I wrong?"
A/n: For Craig's POV, he didn't start liking Clyde because he grabbed Clyde's ass lol. That's Clyde's own egotistical thinking lol. It mostly started in middle school when Craig got his braces and felt insecure about his looks. Whether Clyde knew it or not, he was constantly flirting with Craig, and it didn't hurt that Clyde's cute. Craig couldn't help but develop a crush.
All through high school, there had been some sexual tension going on between the two of them. Clyde checked Craig out and vice versa, but Clyde considered this as something "normal best friends do because Kyle and Stan do it too." And much to Clyde's obliviousness, Craig had been flirting back the entire time, but everything flew above Clyde's head because Craig was very subtle. Even when Craig wasn't- like the butt grabbing- Clyde paid attention to something else to really get the hint.
Eventually, Craig was like, "Fuck it. We're dating."