A/N: I feel that I owe you all a little explanation as to why I started with Why I Held On. Most of you probably don't read my authors notes but for those of you who do, well, here you go.

It's been over a year now that I'm "officially" depressed. By officially I mean that I've seen doctors and psychologists and I've also been on a 'home base' program, which involved strangers coming into my house to make sure I still haven't comitted suicide and that the prescribed antidepressants are doing the work. I hate talking about this it makes me feel so pathetic and I also hate talking about my feelings.

Despite taking my meds I still have times where getting out of bed is almost impossible, and on times like these I usually stay in my room alone, but this one time I had an idea for this heartbreaking fanfic, which only came back to me at my worst times. I guess you can say this fanfic is my reason to why I held on, thus the title.

I also feel so comfortable writing from Matts POV in this story, so the pov won't change.

Please forgive me my weirdness

Warnings for the whole fic: Self-harm, rape, violence, angstangstangst, death

Disclaimer: I own nothing, okay? okay.

~MairaMai

Chapter 1

Mello and I were always close friends. Ever since he arrived at the orphanage, for some reason he befriended me, out of all the kids, he chose the gamer geek. But I never complained. Once he chose me, I followed him like a puppy.

The blond kid wasn't normal. I mean, in Wammys barely anyone was 'normal'. It was an orphanage for talented kids, most of them had weird habits or something wrong with their heads. But Mello was a different type of weird. No one was allowed to touch him or go near him. I always thought it was because he valued his personal space, but I never actually asked, taking things as they were. Mello was also aggressive. He always got into fights. Despite his tiny figure, he managed to beat up all the kids that crossed him.

Years have passed, Mello and I left Wammy's and moved in together. For some reason I couldn't imagine living without him. He was my best friend, the only one who knew everything about me. I told him how I got into the orphanage, what happened to my parents, about my favorite games, movies, dreams. Literally everything. He always listened to what I had to say. And he remembered everything. But Mello never spoke about his life before Wammy's, it bothered me sometimes. He arrived there when we were both fifteen, so that was a big part of his life he kept from me, but on the other side, it was probably hard for him losing his parents at such an age. I lost mine in a car accident when I was four so I didn't really remember them, Mello definitely remembered his parents though.

"Matt, did you pick up my chocolate when I was out?", Mello called from the kitchen. Oops, I knew I forgot something.

"Weeeeeeeell..."

"Mail Jeevas! All you do is sit here on your fucking ass, playing your shitty games and you can't do one thing for me?!"

"I'm soooooorry", I looked at him, dropping my head off the couch I was lieing on, to see his pissed off face and crossed arms as he stood in the doorway, "And don't call me that, you know I don't like it"

"And you know I don't like not having chocolate", the blond plopped down on my stretched legs, turning the tv on.

"Uh excuse me?", I pointed on my legs which were slowly going numb.

"You're excused"

"Mels why do you have to be so ruuuudeee", I sang in an attempt to cheer him up, but the blond just scoffed, "Fine, you win princess, I'm going to get you your chocolate now"

"Get a job while you're at it"

"Yes mom"

Mello rolled his eyes. I really was trying to get a job but it wasn't easy. And the blond pain in the ass wasn't any help either. I knew our current financial situation was... Well fucking bad, but it wans't entirely my fault. Although I could try harder, especially that Mello hated his job, yet he still went back there everyday.

I walked the streets, passing by complete strangers. Going outside was so annoying. I took out a cigarette and smoked it on my way, when I approached a cute blond girl. She gave me a flyer, which I was going to throw to trash until I read it. A new disco opening in town. Techno music, hot chicks and alcohol.

"I'm actually looking for a job, think I could find some there?", I asked the little blondie.

"Maybe if you're lucky", she winked at me, giggling, "Come over an hour before we open, maybe we can find something for such a cute guy"

"Cool, see ya then", I waved at her. This was suspiciously easy, but looking closer at the flyer I realized why. This fucking place was opening in the scum part of this city. Oh well, Mello never specified where I'm supposed to get the job. Or if it has to be legal, just in case.

I bought him a few chocolate bars, and went back, smoking another cigarette on my way. The blond chick wasn't there anymore, probably went back to being a whore. She looked like one anyway.

"Hey Mels, you wanna go out this weekend?", I asked, hanging my fur vest on the coat hanger.

"Where?", the blond emerged from his room to retrieve his chocolate.

"There's a new disco opening-"

"No"

"Why not?"

"I don't like discos", he bit into his chocolate like a starved animal, "And you shouldn't go either"

"Eh why?"

"Because I got the flyer too and I know where it is"

"Thats why you should come with me, y'know, safety reasons", I smiled like a fucking kid begging his parents to allow him to a sleepover. Mello was almost impossible to convince, especially once he sets his mind on something.

"No"

"Fuck sake Mels stop being so..."

"So... what?", the annoyed blond took a large bite out of his chocolate, sitting down on the couch.

"So constipated", I laughed after dodging a pillow Mello threw at me, "C'mon Mello, when was the last time we went out? You're acting like a sixty year old granny"

"Maybe I am a sixty year old granny", he zipped up his leather jacket, which was always on him.

"I'm being serious. You don't go out anywhere except work and shopping. When was the last time you had fun? Did you even get laid? Ever?", I grabbed his face trying to create a dramatic situation, but he quickly pushed me away muttering a silent 'don't touch me' and going into the kitchen, "Are you mad?"

"Matt can you just fuck off for a while"

"I just realized we've never talked about this before", I followed him into the kitchen, standing behind him.

"I'm so close to punching your stupid face", Mello rolled his eyes, pouring water into the kettle.

"Holy shit... Mels are you a... virgin?", I whispered overdramatically, trying to be funny. I only realized I crossed the line when I heard glass shatter all over the countertop.

"Shut the fuck up!", Mello yelled at me, going over to the sink to clean the blood of his hand. I quickly ran to the bathroom to get the first aid kit.

"Is there glass in it?", I asked closely inspecting the wound.

"I don't fucking... No there's none...", I took care of his injured hand. I always did that, since Wammy's when Mello got into a fight, I was the only one allowed to go near him.

"Why did you even crushed that glass? It's not that bad to be a virgin y'know?", I tried to disturb the tensed silence between us.

"I'm not", Mello muttered under his breath, so quietly I almost didn't hear. I bit my own tongue before I even got the chance to open my mouth, not wanting to make the situation even worse.