Insufficient. One world. Lot of meanings.
This word can be related with school. An insufficient average. It can mean an unequal thing.
I only know its definition of not being enough. That's what everyone make me feel. Inadequate.
"Everyone" it's a code, the official version, a way to lie to myself. A way to don't see what happens. How he treats me, the way he treats my siblings. Unequal, as like the definition I said before.
Inappropriate. Two things. The way I feel when I have a discussion with someone. The way he treats me. The way he beats me even though I'm his youngest son.
Incommensurate. The pain. The fear. The inequality. Will I be able to take it anymore?
Insufficient. One world lot of meanings.
I was twelve the first time. I usually had been grounded. I often had been slapped on the back of my head. I sometimes have been spanked, rarely at least, I never did lots of things to receive some spanks, that was Alex job but she never received my "treatment". Justin was and still is an angel. When me and Alex do something bad, he tell dad to ground us, to punish us. Does he know how he punish me? I hope he doesn't, I mean I'm his brother, he loves me right? However insufficiently to see what's going on, how's my life is turning in the wrong way and I'm loosing my self. Will someone find me and point me the way should I follow to don't have to receive this.
I was twelve, the first time. Now I'm fifteen, nothing have changed, no one have noticed. Will someone save me? When he started to beat me, it was a sporadic thing, now it's ordinary.
Insufficient. My average. My knowledge. Me.
He beats me because of this. I'm insufficient, I'm not great at school. I can't have a polite conversation with the customers. I have bad days. A bad day is when the first insufficient thing and the latter are mixed together in one day. When I have one I don't know if I'll survive.
The first time happened in a bad day. I could've nominated them 'Jerry's day' but it would have been creepy and unoriginal.
I got an F in maths test. The test was on equations. It was easy, but I didn't study at all. Jerry every time tells me that I have to study harder, because I'm not the smartest. Really he called me 'idiot' or 'dumb' but he used this terms when we're alone, when someone is with us he uses better words, as like I want to act like a diligent and good parent. He isn't.
I never feared him. He had been a good father before that. They always taught me that I have to tell them a bad grade as soom as I get it, because if I don't it can only get worse. That day I had my shift in the substation, I couldn't tell them as I got home. I left my backpack in the living room and I went to work.
Bad days. Usually people use this term to mean a cold or rainy day. Justin's only bad day was when he argued with mother Nature, in the end nothing bad happened to him, in the way I judge a day.
My shift started really bad that day, I burned three hamburger's meat and I let fall down a sack of hamburger's bread.
I asked Justin after my first beaten, what does he think of what a bad day is. He told me that I was too young to have a bad day, because between home and school, my life was only a funny thing. What would he say if he knew what's happening?
Seen my bad results in the kitchen, me and Alex changed our shift. I was the waiter now. There was a girl, probably sixteen, in a yellow jumper, green jeans and white all stars. I was and still am habituated to see bad dresses or disgusting matches between top and bottom, Harper was always there, with her strange and creepy dresses.
"Can I help you?" I asked her.
"Is there something vegetarian?" She asked me back, a French accent in her voice. Mother language french or Canadian? I hate when people ask this. There's a huge "poster" on the front door which says "this is sandwich shop, all the sandwiches are filled with meat and we don't serve any salad or vegetables outside the sandwiches." That question pissed me off. Probably I overreacted but come on, I'm insufficient in the brain as my father tell me, but I can notice and read the huge poster glued on the door of the door I'm walking to.
I don't remember what I said to her, but it was obviously impolite, because she walked away after she had glared at me, murmuring something about how our substation suck. Dad was pissed off for the lost a customer. It wwas fault. I justified my self telling him of the poster and my bad mark at school. I didn't expect his reaction. Of course I expected him to yell but not that.
Let it stop. Make it until the day light. Will I?
We were upstairs. Justin and Alex were on their shift with mom. He grabbed me by the air. Pulling them extremely strong. Tears were forming in my eyes. He shoved me to the ground. He got on top of me kneeling. He punched hard in the face. He asked me why I was stupid. Now he punched me in the ribs. Why are you so dumb? Stomach. Insufficient bastard. Ribs again. You're worthless. Face. Blood was going down my eyelash. You're bleeding on the carpet you idiot. Nose.
He stopped. I couldn't breath by the nose, and when I breathed by the mouth, my lungs expanding made my chest hurt like crazy. I heard him taking a paper sheet. He got in front of me and he slapped me harder. I still have the scar of it.
"Oh god Theresa, Maxie fell from the stairs and I found him like this". Liar
I'm trying to survive, I'm not ready to die
You're so goofy. How did you broke your arm? You fell from the skateboard? You're so goofy.
Max how did you cut your leg? The lamp fell while you were running and the shades cut you? You're grounded, how many times did I tell you? It fell from dad's hand.
Shoot Max, that's the third time in the week that you have bruises and cut, is everything alright at school? Is someone billing you? Not at school.
How long until I break? I'll stay strong dad won't be able to make me live in fear. Won't he, right?
Is he enjoying beating me? I didn't do anything this time.
Justin find out. He saw him. He saw his knuckles full of blood. Hebm saw me bleeding, an horrible cut on my head. He saw me and he, he on top me, punching me. Will he be my savor?
No, he won't. He told him to punish me harder.
The next day Justin came in my room. He made me do things that I'm too much afraid to remember. I can't take this anymore.
This is my last moment. I made Harper make me a sandwich. In a minute she will find me. The rope is hanging from the ceiling of my room.
Please Harper, don't let them hurt anyone else.