Summary: Pip is friendless... until Damien returns and pulls Pip into a series of strange occurrences, including a threat on God's very existence, Satan and John Lennon being totally gay for each other, and an evil duck...
Warning: Language, possible slash, and if you're a hardcore Christian I would get out because this story is going to deal A LOT with religion, Hell, Jesus having a child, Satan being nice and wonderful, and God having an assassin on his tail.
A/N: This story was meant to be angst. When I thought of the idea, I had so many angsty scenes playing out in my head. But, it sort of came out humorous. Like Seaouryou's stories. I guess Seaouryou was just an incredibly great influence to me, because now I want to write like that. Um...well, have an entertaining read, and please don't be offended by all the "Satan being friends with Jesus" thing, because really, I don't believe that. I just have it so it works for this story. Yeah, it would be cool, but I guess if there is a God then there has to be a Satan because there is so much evil in this world. Or God's sense of humor is just incredibly twisted. Or there is no God whatsoever.
Disclaimer: I own South Park, just like I own Kelloggs, Sony, and Apple Computers. Get over it.
IMPORTANT: I LOVE Pip! It's just so much fun to make fun of him sometimes that I can't help it. But don't flame me about how Pip is cool and I shouldn't be making a story about how much he sucks. I don't think he sucks. But he thinks he sucks. And I guess this is kinda from his P.O.V. So, Pip is cool, but I still like to say he sucks.
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Philip Pirrup, more commonly known as Pip, was not what you'd call...socially fortunate. He was, for the utter lack of a better descriptive word to put here, friendless. For some odd reason, all the other boys seemed to hate Pip with a passion, for which Pip himself hadn't ever quite understood why. Pip was so nice, so accepting of their unwarranted punishment, and yet Butters Stotch was the only person Pip could remember ever showing him true kindness. And Butters had long since moved away, leaving Pip alone again.
As usual.
School – as you all probably guessed since this is a fairly cliché concept – was hell for Pip Pirrup. Being the outcast, even if there is no particular reason whatsoever, means that the other boys (and sometimes the girls) like to spend their free periods making you have the most uncomfortable experiences, sometimes involving toilets and trash-cans. And port-a-potties. Port-a-potties were definitely number one on Pip's list of the most horrible places he had ever been put by a kid. Not necessarily a boy, either.
It wasn't as if Pip would just roll over and let them do that horrible stuff to him, of course. Well, actually, yes, that's what he did. Pip was a small boy, and had no parents or kind adults that he could tell (because French people suck, remember?). Pip couldn't fight worth shit, and all of the muscles in his whole body were probably equivalent to the amount of muscles in Arnold Schwarzenegger's left pinky. Not his right pinky; his right side is much stronger than his left (remember, he's a Republican). Pip was scrawny, bony, short, runty, puny, skinny, and basically every other word that describes smallness. Because, Pip was small. He was just born that way.
But, even though Pip never fought back, he did try very hard to make the other children like him. He never said anything bad about them at all, and let them do basically whatever they wanted to him. Except for when he beamed Kyle with a dodge ball. But he had gotten in trouble for that, and never again had he come anywhere near a dodge ball. Pip tried extremely hard to be someone that everyone would like. But, it only seemed to fuel the other's insults and make Pip feel even worse about himself.
There comes a day in every man's life though, when he meets that certain special girl who will brighten up his life and make sweet love to him down by the fire. And then that said girl will marry him and bear his children and they'll grow old together and have grandchildren to spoil and grow in debt over. Of course, Pip is not a man. Pip is just barely a boy, scarcely scraping by with his small bearings. And Pip, because he's French (even though he's not actually French), will never meet that amazing girl who will somehow give him this strange burst of confidence and make him the popular, loved person he always wished he was. Because Pip sucks.
But, there came a day in Pip's life where he did manage to meet someone who didn't completely despise him. Of course, this person was not a girl. This boy would not make sweet love to Pip down by the fire. And this boy really doesn't like French people. But, since Pip is not actually French, he might stand a chance.
Let's find out, shall we?
Chapter 1 – There's a Snake in My Boot! No, Really, There IS a Snake in My Boot...
The day dawned bright and beautiful for Pip. The day wasn't significantly promising, but it was pretty. Pip loved the sunrise. It made him remember...well, there was nothing nice for Pip to remember that a sunrise would remind him of, but nevertheless, he looked forward to the sun peeking up over the horizon and giving him that small ray of hope that maybe, just maybe, someone would say something relatively nice to him today.
Pip was an irrational dreamer and he knew it.
Pip would've liked to ride the bus to school. It was a long walk to the high school that Park County made North, South, and Middle Park all share. The only problem, though, was that the bus driver didn't like French people. And no matter how much Pip tried to persuade her that he wasn't French, but actually British, Mrs. Kilfrench wouldn't let Pip on the bus. So, Pip walked three miles to get to school every day.
Poor, poor Pip. He really does suck!
Pip usually didn't have to worry about bullies picking on him until class started. Pip liked to get to school early and lock himself away in the library with Charles Dickens and Shakespeare. For some odd reason, the little British boy felt a pull to Old English writers...it was like they were from the same country or something. Odd. But, since Pip sucks so much, they – though the actual identity of "they" will probably never be revealed because it's meaningless and would only make you laugh – decided that they needed to pick on Pip earlier in the morning, out in the parking lot. "Hey, Pip-squeak," one of the horribly mean and horribly handsome "they" yelled at the small blonde Brit.
"Cheerio! It is a very nice day, is it not?" Pip asked in that annoyingly adorable French – I mean British – accent. Pip didn't even get a verbal response. He was picked right up off of the ground and held upside down. Since he was so short, they could actually do that to him without his head coming near to the ground. Pip felt a hand fiddling with his boot. "Whatever are you doing, jolly sir?" Pip asked kindly. Because Pip is always kind to everyone, even if they happen to be holding him upside down above the cold, hard cement.
"I'm trying to get your stupid French shoe off of you!"
"Actually, I'm British..." Pip wasn't able to say much more, since his shoe was pulled painfully off of him and he was dropped. "Ouch! That was a mite painful, I must say!"
"Whatever, dork!" When the horribly handsome but yet horribly mean person threw his shoe back at Pip and walked off with the other guys (and girls), Pip knew there must be something wrong with the boot. "Whatever could he have done to my boot?" Pip wondered. Pip examined the outside thoroughly and found nothing wrong at all. "Well, I must say, it doesn't look contaminated in any way!" Pip pushed his foot back into the boot, expecting to feel the softness of the fake fur envelop his feet. Instead, he felt something cold and scaly..."AHHHHH! THERE'S A SNAKE IN MY BOOT!"
- - - - - - - - - -
"Pip, what are we going to do with you?" asked the burly, red-haired man. "You always cause such problems at this school!"
Pip sat quietly in the blue plastic chair, not quite understanding what he had done wrong. "Mr. Withers, in all kindness, they put a snake in my shoe..."
Mr. Withers didn't make any motion to be sympathetic. "Boy, you dealt with that the wrong way! Your screaming attracted the attention of many onlookers, and when the snake escaped your boot, who do you think it went after?"
"It tried to bite me, if I may say so."
"No you may not say so!" Mr. Withers scolded. "Even though we have no proof one way or another, that snake did most certainly go after those other innocent children, and could have taken numerous lives if we hadn't intervened at just the moment we did!"
"It wasn't poisonous...the red was touching the black..."
"The rhyme goes 'Red touches yellow, you're an okay fellow, if red touches black you're a sorry dead Jack!'"
Pip shook his head. "I'm terribly sorry to contradict, but it's 'Red touches yellow, you're a dead fellow, but if red touches black you're okay Jack...'"
Mr. Withers ignored Pip's voice of reason, because Mr. Withers hates Pip. "Now boy, we'll need to think of an appropriate punishment, seeing as you almost KILLED a bunch of innocent teenagers!"
Mr. Withers put his hand on his chin, preparing to think of a punishment that would somehow humiliate and demean dear Pip, because everyone hates Pip so no one cares if he has to do something horribly embarrassing and possibly dangerous. But, Mr. Withers didn't get far because before he could start to think Mrs. Keen, the secretary, came inside the office looking like somebody she loved had died and she got none of the money from the will. "Tom, there is a kid here! He's new, and he's freaky!"
"Pip isn't new..."
"I'm not talking about Pip! There's a new kid, and he's all dressed in black and he's with some John Lennon look-a-like! I gave him his schedule, but I am NOT about to show his crazy-ass around the school!" Mrs. Keen's voice was shaky and her perfectly manicured nails tapped against the door. "We need to get a student to show him around, so I don't have to!"
Mr. Withers and Mrs. Keen both looked at Pip. "Mrs. Keen, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Mr. Withers asked with an evil smirk on his face.
"Yes! Let's exploit the French piece of crap!"
"Excuse me, but I'm not Fr-"
Before Pip could finish his sentence, Mrs. Keen had grabbed his arm and was dragging him painfully to the front desk. "Why hello again...uh..."
"Damien," the boy in all black responded.
"Damien!" Mrs. Keen flushed as she pulled the struggling Pip in front of her. "Pip will show you around the school, Damien. Uh...Damien, your guardian needs to fill out a few more papers, but you can go get shown around the school now, alrighty?"
"My name is John," the John Lennon look-a-like said.
"Oh...well, that is certainly a strange coincidence," Mrs. Keen said shakily.
"I know. Very strange."
Damien gave one look at Pip and said, "I don't want her to show me around!"
"Um, I'm sorry to correct you, but I am a boy," Pip said softly, as if he felt like he would be hit for this. If it were anyone who knew Pip, they probably would have, because everyone hates him and he sucks.
"Well, you are the girliest boy I've ever met," Damien muttered. "Do I know you?"
"If you hate me, then you know me," Pip replied.
"Er...you seem a little familiar is all," Damien sighed. "Well, show me around the school!" he snapped.
"Right-o!" Pip said and led the way to the office door. "Well, I assume you already can tell that this is the office -"
"Ooh, I couldn't have figured that out on my own, dip-shit."
Pip squeaked a little and moved slightly away, as if to get out of Damien's arm length. "Um...right-o!" Pip proceeded to walk down the hall, telling Damien what everything was. Pip had never felt this important before; he was helping someone learn something new! Pip hadn't ever really helped anyone before, seeing as everyone hated him and only didn't kill him because he was such fun to pick on. "Well...who is your first teacher? I'll take you there first," Pip said smartly.
"No. I don't want to go to class."
"Um...okay." Pip continued to lead Damien down the halls. "Everyone is already in class," Pip said, for no real reason other than he wanted to make idle small talk so the awkward silence would disappear.
"Okay. Where are we going?"
Pip got himself slightly flustered. "Well, I truthfully don't really know..."
Damien smacked himself on the head. "Okay, show me where the cafeteria is first," he suggested. Pip was glad for the suggestion; he would've made a complete fool of himself otherwise.
"Right-o...it's right down this hall," Pip directed. "You just...walk this way, past room 169, and you have gotten to the cafeteria," Pip said. "The school is quite simple to find your way around in, really, if you just -"
"Are you British?"
Pip sputtered for a moment. Everyone thought that he was French! "I – I am...how did you know?"
"You have a distinctively British accent," Damien replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Pip flushed. "Er...everyone thinks I'm French..."
"You don't look or sound French. French people are good looking."
"Oh, I understand!" Pip said brightly. "Would you like to go to the gym now?"
Damien appeared put off at Pip's easy acceptance of the insult he'd dished. "Sure thing...um, what's your name again?"
"Pip."
"Pip?"
"Yes, Pip. My birth name is actually Philip, but everybody hates me, so they call me Pip. You can call me whatever you will, though, if you don't like the name Pip."
"Well...Pip, lead the way to the gym..."
Pip grinned at Damien. "Okay! The gym is really easy to find, it's just across the walk-way from the cafeteria..."
Damien put his hand on Pip's shoulder. "Pip, I don't really know you – although you look strangely familiar – and I know this may seem a little odd, but can I sit with you and your friends at lunch today?"
Pip felt a shiver go up his body. This person, Damien, actually WANTED to sit with him! Pip sucked, so most people didn't want to have anything to do with him unless they were bullying him. But Damien actually wanted to hang out with him! On the other hand, if Damien hung out with him, everyone else was surely to hate him. No matter how much Pip wanted to have a friend, he couldn't cheat Damien out of possible popularity. Damien just seemed like one of those people that really wanted to hang out with all the jocks that sat with the cheerleaders as their personal lapdogs or the nice, normal boys who were obsessed with video games and made sexual innuendos out of everything they heard. With a heavy heart, Pip told Damien no.
"I'm sorry Damien, but you can't. You wouldn't like me or who I hang out with." Pip hung out with no one. That's why Damien wouldn't like them. Pip and Damien continued their little tour, but Pip knew deep inside that this was the last time Damien would ever speak to him so kindly.
Cause Pip sucked ass.
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Hi...I'm aware that this is kinda a weird story. I also know I talked about Pip sucking a lot, but again, I love Pip; he only sucks because everyone in this story hates him, so he has to suck something or they wouldn't hate him. I'd really like a review, if you would be kind enough. I don't care if it's a flame, because I'll use all the flames I get to burn Pip because he sucks. Lol. I'm just kidding. I wouldn't ever burn Pip. He's too cool!
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