When I read my wife ColieMackenzie's story: "Inchoate" I was as impressed as I was inspired. This is the sequel to that story that I have been planning since it was published. I highly suggest you read her story before this one to understand the context. I hope you enjoy it. This is for you Baby, because I love you, that's never not been true.

It Was Always You

By TR

Vanessa didn't look up from the stove as Castle stepped through the door of the loft. She already knew what she would find in his eyes, in the knit of his brow, and tonight she just didn't want to have to meet it head on. The spector of her, the grief and tension and echo of regrets that followed him for days after he saw her. She just wanted one time, just even one, where Castle could be in Kate Beckett's presence and not be poisoned by the pain of the past. She knew even as she wished, that this would never happen. What she didn't know was what the hell do about it.

The table was set for two, with wine poured and starter salads already in place.

"Vanessa?" His voice cut in. He worked to push down the exhaustion, the weight in his chest, on his heart. "Hey, did we have a date tonight, or...?" He set the bag of left over barbecue on the counter. He'd not been able to eat much during the day, so they sent him home with enough to feed an army.

"No, I just wanted to surprise you. I'm trying out another new recipe for the book, and you're my favorite guinea pig."

"Sounds great!" he said, moving to give her a barely there kiss on the cheek. "I uh...I should go wash up." He raised his hands, showing the grass stains that wouldn't quite scrub out. "The girls wanted me to go on the slip and slide again this time."

"Okay well don't be long, it's almost ready." Her light heartedness fell flat, but she knew he didn't notice. She was sure he hadn't seen her at all.

She took a deep breath as she watched him retreat into his room. Into himself. She'd expected the cloak of confidence that he wore, that faux flippancy he used to cover all manner of scars, to be diminished, but this...all of his scars were bare, glaring, screaming their edicts for all the world to hear. Whatever she had expected, this was ten time worse. He was raw, and exposed, and entirely undone.

What had Kate done to him? The answer came before the question had formed. She knew what Kate had done. She'd simply stepped into his view. Vanessa had told Rick once early on, that he was hers until Kate walked into the room. He'd said that chapter of his life was over; was all charm and reassurances and she hoped one day that all he was telling her would come true. She knew now it never would. Time wasn't healing the wounds of his divorce, it was stripping away the pretenses and justifications, leaving only the painful truth. They'd given up too soon.

She turned and barely saved the veggie lasagna in the oven. She tried to shake away the thoughts that threatened to drown her, but it was futile. The beautiful and horrible thing about epiphanies is that once you've had them, they can't be un-had. They loom over everything, shadowing every thought and feeling with their truth. She didn't know exactly what she was going to do with that truth yet, but there it was.

Castle came out of the bedroom and she saw he'd tried to freshen up. He smiled, putting on a brave face. She smiled back, and knew this would be their last meal together. They sat across from each other and tried to talk of pleasantries, but after 10 minutes of meeting each other with one word answers they both fell silent. Castle cut another piece of lasagna and wished it didn't taste like chalk in his mouth. He was sure it was delicious, and being the polite man he'd been raised to be, he told her so. She thanked him, and neither of them meant it.

"So how's Kate?"

This caught his attention, and for the first time that night he really looked at her. She looked tired, weary.

"She's…she's fine." He didn't bother trying to smile, trying to hide. It was just too damned hard anymore.

Vanessa raised her glass and brought it to her lips. Slowly she drank down the wine, in one go. Before he could ask what was on her mind, she spoke up.

"Rick...I want to know what happened between you and Kate."

He frowned. "Nothing happened between us, we just happened to be at the same barbecue."

"No, I mean...what happened?"

"Ness I'd really rather not talk about it."

"I know, but we're going to talk about it. I don't need a full history; I've got all those blanks filled in by the girls. They are fans of a good story after all. Josie called your love story 'epic'."

Despite himself he chuckled. "Well it is a good story." He took a shuddering breath. "The sad ones always are."

She leaned in and put a hand on his arm. "So are the unfinished ones." His eyes went wide. She shook her head, halting any protest he might have. "Save it. This story is unfinished, and you know it. Now, I want to know what happened, and I want the absolute truth."

He took a long breath and let it out slow. Resisting the urge to bury his head in his hands and weep, he stood up and walked to the couch. She followed and sat facing him. He traced patterns on the surface of the suede and tried to find the words.

"There's really not much to tell," he began. "I don't know that I'll ever understand how we could make it through so much, and in the end be broken by so little." He shifted in his seat. "We were fighting. Almost non-stop. I don't even remember what the fights were about, it just seemed like everything we would say would end in a screaming match. We were both under so much pressure. She'd been promoted and we were both trying to juggle parenthood with our career paths. The stress was too much. We were stressed, the kids were stressed. Something needed to give." She watched as he fought the sudden tears that rose in his eyes. He cleared his throat. Once, then again. "So...one night while we were railing at each other, I asked her if she just wanted to call it quits. If that would be easier for all of us. Better for the kids, better for everyone. I didn't mean to say it. I heard it for the first time as it came out my mouth."

Vanessa's brow furrowed. "What did she say?"

"She didn't say anything at first. Then she just said...'maybe it would be'. And she turned and walked out and slept on the couch."

"Is that what you wanted? To call it quits?" She asked.

He pursed his lips. "I don't know. And that's the truth. I don't know. I didn't want to go on that way, that's for sure. If she'd said something more. Anything more that showed me she wanted to stick it out, I would have stayed. I didn't want the kids to go through our separation, but I didn't want them to live in a house where their parents were at each other's throats." He sighed. "She didn't say anything more. She just shut down on me."

"Of course she did." His eyebrows rose. Vanessa shook her head. "I don't mean to be indelicate and I'm sure you were both hurting, but Rick...you essentially said you wanted to be done. "

"No I didn't! It was in question form."

"That doesn't matter one bit to a woman. And you just told me that you didn't know if you wanted to end it. She would have seen that uncertainty."

He nodded and studied his clasped hands. "I know. It's my fault, she was just reacting to me, and I was just...reacting. Before I could find the words to fix it, we'd filed for divorce. If only I'd..." He shook his head. "Listen it doesn't matter now. It's done."

"Is it?"

He took her hand and tried to be reassuring. "Of course it is."

She squeezed his hand and pulled away. "Do you miss her?" He tried to evade. "Do you miss her?" She repeated, emphasizing the words. "I want the truth."

His shoulders slumped, burdened by the weight of the world. "Yes. I miss her." He stopped there, not wanting to cause pain, to ruin another relationship with misused words. The truth was he missed Katherine Beckett every moment of every day. He woke up missing her, went to bed missing her. He missed her in ways that he would never tell his girlfriend. He missed her in ways that he would never tell anyone.

Vanessa nodded, and felt oddly light for what she was about to do. Yes it hurt. Yes she loved him. But the thing about love is, if you fall for someone who belongs with someone else, setting them free only feels like the right thing to do.

"Answer me this. If you had it to do all over again. If you got that chance. What would you do?"

He closed his eyes. "You and I are done, aren't we." It wasn't a question.

"Yes, we are." They both fell silent, respecting the relationship for what it had been. "Now tell me, what would you do with another chance with her?"

"I guess, I'd say different things. I'd try to not let the stress ruin us. I'd...try."

"Then get over there and try!"

His eyebrows shot to his hairline. "I can't just waltz in and mess up her life now, I've done enough. Besides, she'll likely say no."

"That, I highly doubt!"

"Ness..."

"No! No more excuses. If I'm going to let you go, I'm not going to do it with you on the fence. This is your chance! Now, right now is your chance! Josie told me she's only been on two dates with that guy." His eyes widened. "Yeah, so get over there and speak up while you can." She leaned in, and took his hand. "Listen, I love you, I'll say it now, and I'll mean it for a while, but I'll get over it. I love you, but you love her. And you're not going to get over it. You're not! So go fix it!"

Castle sat motionless, let all that happened that day tumble about in his head.

Vanessa stood and gathered her purse. She leaned down, kissed his face. "If you never ask the question, the answer is always 'no'. Go ask your questions."

"Okay, and for the record Ness, I wanted us to work."

She gave him a watery smile. "I know. Goodbye Rick," she said. And walked out the door.