Stalking 101

Welcome to Stalking 101! For everyone new here, I'm your instructor Ms. Ariko.

Today we have a very special guest joining us today. Please welcome…Edward Cullen!

(AKA Robert Pattinson who we all hate)

Edward: Yes, hello. Please don't jump on me. I know you all love me so much.

Ms. Ariko: Yeah we'd love to jump you. *snicker*

Anyway, what are some good tips on how to stalk someone properly?

Edward: Hmm, yes. There are many things that make a good stalker. These are the rules:

Rule #1: Watch the person every second of every day. Yes, every second.

Rule #2: Make sure they know that you watch them.

Rule #3: Memorize their personal scent.

Rule #4: Never use the front door when visiting your stalkee's house. Use the window, or make one if needed.

Rule #5: Randomly pop out of nowhere just to say hi.

Rule #6: Then walk away with a creepy smile. Make sure they see it.

Rule #7: Refer to them as your own personal drug.

Rule #8: Wear the same clothes as them whenever possible.

Rule #9: Have their picture as your cellphone backround, computer backround, etc.

Rule #10: When they ask how you got the picture of them, smile creepily and say "I have my ways."

Rule #11: Randomly run your hand through their hair.

Rule #12: Always remember to smile creepily at them.

Rule #13: Help land them in a hospital. Then go visit them in said hospital.

Rule #14: Stare at them from across the room. Make sure they know you're staring at them.

Rule #15: Stand outside their bedroom window and wait for them to notice you.

Rule #16: Catch them in the grocery store and tell them exactly what they need to get. Everything they need to get.

Rule #17: Set their lawn on fire in the words 'I'm watching you'.

Rule #18: Taste their blood. Then tell them how tasty it was.

Rule #19: When they forget something at home, give it to them. And tell them yes, you took it from their house.

Rule #20: When your stalkee 'disappears' for no reason, tell their family and friends that "you have no idea what happened" all the while smiling creepily and staring at the closet you stashed them in.

Ms. Ariko: Those are wonderful tips. Students, you would do well to learn from Edward.

Random Student: *flips her off*

Ms. Ariko: You're dead.

Edward: Well, it's time for me to leave now. I hope you all learned a great deal from this Stalking 101 lesson.

Ms. Ariko: Good-bye Edward. We hope you'll join us again for another lesson sometime.

Edward: Yes, well…*looks at rabid fangirls and haters with chainsaws* I'd better leave.

Good-bye everyone!

Ms. Ariko: Today's lesson was brought to you by Edward Cullen, the letter ll, and Will it blend? Chuck Norris. I hope everyone learned something from this lesson. Now, if you'll excuse me…*grabs chainsaw and chocolate flamethrower*

Random Student: Oh shit.

P.S: The cake is a lie.

A/n: Yes. Me and my friend Princess (lol don't ask btw not his real name) were extremely bored.

Arxidan, as he likes to be called, co-wrote this with me. Fanfiction acount (which he never uses): neji uzichiha

EDIT: neji uzichiha has changed his username to Jude Mastison. We have also written another 101 story called 'Real Men 101'.