Author's Note: This is set during Season Eight, Episode 16, "Carbon Copy".
Erin Strauss leant against the front of her desk, legs crossed, one arm folded over her stomach, the other holding the phone up to her ear. She nodded her head as the person at the end of line spoke, despite the fact she knew it couldn't be seen. Her golden blonde hair was clipped back off her face, though the slight curve of her fringe still brushed her forehead, nearly obscuring one brown-green eye. She wore a navy blue blazer over a deep maroon coloured blouse and a skirt. Around her neck was a golden chain, with tiny red beads, which one hand began to subconsciously finger as the telephone conversation went on too long for her liking.
"Yes, Sir," she said, her authoritative voice not showing the frustration she felt.
The Director was a man she respected, but there were only so many times she could give her assurances without feeling like she was repeating herself.
"The team is leaving for Philadelphia very soon," she said, "They will be making regular reports and I will keep you updated."
As she nodded again, the door to her office was pushed open and a man with greying black hair and a beard stepped through. Erin held up a finger, signaling for him to wait.
"Yes, Sir," she said, "Thank you."
She hung up the phone, replacing it back on its set. Then she looked over at her visitor, who had positioned himself against the wall.
"What do you want, David?" Erin asked.
"I just have some things I'd like to ask," David Rossi replied, "If that's okay?"
Erin thought about it, her eyes moving over his face, before inclining her head forward and gesturing to a chair. David shook his head, but took a step closer.
"I saw you talking to Blake before the briefing," he said.
Erin folded her arms across her chest, then turned towards her desk, absentmindedly straightening its contents.
"It may have escaped your notice thus far, but it is customary for one to speak to the people they work with" she said, her voice calm, "Ours is not a silent order."
"Oh," David said with a small gleam in his eye, "I've noticed."
"Then what is your point?" Erin said, "You haven't got time to play your games right now. You said you came to ask questions, so ask."
David seemed somewhat taken aback by her bluntness, but proceeded as she had suggested.
"What are you doing?"
Erin paused in her tidying, but did not look around.
"In what context are we talking?" she said cautiously.
"I thought you said we didn't have time for games," David said, his voice more serious than before, "I've heard about your history with Blake."
Erin closed her eyes and exhaled slowly. "You and the whole of the Bureau," she said quickly, trying to keep her countenance, "It's not a secret. If you're so worried about Agent Blake, then you-"
"I'm not worried about her," David interrupted, raising his voice over hers, "It's you."
Erin turned to face him. She could see the concern in his eyes and it confused her, because his conversation so far had not pointed to this. David had, however, been her friend, or as close as she had to a friend, for a long time. Her expression softened a little.
"My demons are not defining me anymore," she said, a kindly smile coming onto her face, "I'm fine."
"And how many different meanings have those two words held through out history, I wonder," David mused in a mocking voice.
Erin tried to keep herself from smirking.
"It is what it is, Dave," she said, "I'm fine."
With this, she had expected the special agent to leave, but he did not. Instead he went over to her and sat next to her on the desk top.
"It's just," he said, looking down at the floor, "you've changed. You're... nicer?"
Erin spun her head around.
"Well, excuse me for trying to be a better person," she snapped.
"I'm sorry," David held his hands up defensively, "But while you're out there, trying to fix your flaws, please, don't lose the things that made you great. People don't have to like it, but whatever the outcome, you'll have to live with it."
Erin just stared at him. The genuine sound in his voice hurt her and healed her all at the same time. She could see his point of view. Ever since she had returned to work, she had been trying to patch up things between herself and the team, Alex Blake in particular. This was, she realized, going to take some sacrifices on her part.
As she stared at the wall, Erin said, "I don't think you or anyone on your team can understand why I do the things I do. For almost all of my working life, I've been ruthless and calculating. I've been cut throat, because I conditioned myself to believe that was the kind of world I was in. And in a way it worked. I reached high places, but my platform was built on the failings of others, many of which I played a part in. Agent Blake is one of many, one of those who I used to shield myself from bullets with my name on them. For a long time I couldn't look at those people, because they made me look at myself, when I didn't want to. The drink helped on that score; for a while, it made my decisions easier to bare. But when I stopped, it was like somebody had turned on the floodlights and handed me a magnifying glass. All I could see was myself, what I meant, in every reflection, in every thought and memory. There I was."
She paused, steadying herself with deep breathes.
"I don't expect you to understand," she continued quietly, "because you're a good person, David, whatever you might think about yourself. I'm extremely adept at doing it by the book, but I'm painfully underdeveloped when it comes to doing what is right and what is good. I've got to change. I've got to make it right with the people I walked over. We're talking about life changing decisions I made that weren't mine to make! If I don't make amends now, I'm going to lose everything-"
A single tear ran down her cheek.
"- only to find there was nothing there to lose."
Erin quickly wiped her eyes with one hand, before sighing and slumping even harder against the desk. David gazed at her in silence before saying, "that was one hell of a speech."
"Shut up," she said dryly, before letting out a laugh.
David just smiled.
"You're a better person than you know, Erin," he said, "I don't know many people who could admit to their mistakes in the way that you have."
"Thank you," Erin whispered with a sigh.
"And, there have been so many things that you've done that weren't mistakes," he said, "Mankind tends to hold on to the bad things and forget about the rest."
"Bad things are so much easier to hold on to," she commented, a hint of longing in her voice.
"But so much more worthwhile when you finally let go," David said, "Blake will forgive you one day, but in the mean time don't forget what you stand for. You're strong, Erin, and you're smart."
"Don't profile me," Erin said.
"And she's back," David grinned.
Erin tried to bite back a smile, but his deep brown eyes just made her want to laugh. He was good like that, he always had been.
"Don't you have a plane to catch?" she said teasingly.
David nodded and stood up to leave.
"Yes, Ma'am."