Lonelily

I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I lonelily landed my waltz in her hands
In a way I felt you were leaving me
I was sure I wouldn't find you at home

I won't look back. I refuse.

I sit back in my seat, my fists clenched and my eyes staring straight ahead, blurred by the sheen of tears that I will not let fall. I will not let Jay or Emma see me fall apart. I will appear strong and angry but really be dying inside as I'm abandoned by the one person who truly loved me completely. Even the bad parts.

I hear the driver side door open and the chair flip forward. Emma crawls in the back quietly, and Jay slides easily into his seat. I can imagine his signature sunglasses in place, hiding his eyes as he fights back his own urges to cry because who the hell does he have left anyway? Alex? She's ignored him since the shooting and something tells me the Montreal Crew hasn't been hanging around lately. Emma is probably in the back, hurt and confused and wondering how the guy who saved her life could just as easily disappear from it.

I'm wondering the same thing, Emma.

And you let me down
You could have knocked off the evening
But you lonelily let him push under your bone
You let me down
It's no use deceiving
Neither of us wanna be alone

You're coming home, you're coming home

I hear sniffling, and I'm waiting for Jay to make some crack about Green Peace crying.

He doesn't.

And that just pisses me off completely because why should things change just because Sean decided he couldn't deal with life in Toronto anymore?

Jay turns up the music, and I lean my head against the glass of the window, staring at the scenery as it zips by, aware that every mile marker is taking me further from him. It's only two hours, I tell myself. I was ready for a long-distance relationship when Sean was moving to Alberta, but this time I knew it wasn't an option. Sean didn't want a long-distance relationship. When he told me he loved me next to the car, he was saying goodbye. I recognized that look in his eyes. That look that says "have a good life and take care."

Fuck him.

God, I wish I had my own car.

I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I was lonelily looking for someone to hold
In a way I lost all I believed in
And I never found myself so low

He wouldn't even talk to me. I was there for him every day after the shooting. Five days. Five days, I sat next to him as he watched the news. For five days I lay next to him in bed as he had nightmares. And for five days I begged him to let me in. Did he? No. He just told me that I would never understand and locked himself in the bedroom.

I made love to him for five days. I rubbed my hand over his shoulder as he lay on his side. He begged me to touch him, and I went along with everything he wanted. We lay in the dark, our arms wrapped around each other, and I'd tell him I loved him, and he'd whisper it back. I could feel his breath on me as he said it. I touch my hand to my cheek, my fingers trembling as they brush the spot where he kissed me before falling asleep just last night.

He wouldn't let me be there for him. I tried everything, and he just wouldn't let me be that person he needed.

And you let me down
You could've called if you'd needed
But you lonelily got yourself locked in instead
And you let me down
It's one thing being cheated
But you took him all the way through your bed

My jaw tenses as I hear Emma sniffle again. It takes everything I have to keep myself from turning around and slapping her across the face. She thinks she's in pain? I don't care how long her and Sean crushed on each other, and I don't give a shit how serious their relationship was in its prime.

She's crying over my boyfriend and, excuse me for being selfish, but I don't think she has the right. He didn't leave her alone in an empty apartment. He didn't leave her with bills to pay and creepy neighbors. He sure as hell didn't promise her a future and then leave her the very same day.

"I can't wait till all this shit's over, till it's just you and me and Beuller. It's going to be great, El. We're going to get out of this shithole apartment and we're- we're just gonna be happy."

It was a shithole apartment, but it was our goddamn shithole apartment. I didn't need all the things he promised me to be happy. I just wanted him.

And now you're coming home
And I'm trying to forgive
You're coming home
And I'm trying to forget
You're coming home
And I'm trying to move on
You're coming home
And you haven't called yet

He didn't even try and stop me. He could have reached out and held onto my arm and stopped me from walking towards the car. He could have kissed me and touched me, but he didn't. I close my eyes and think back to the last time he kissed me.

It was this morning. He was just getting out of the shower, his towel wrapped around his waist, and I was passing by the bathroom as he brushed his teeth. He reached out and pulled me in, pressing me up against the sink. His lips parted against mine, his hands squeezed my hips, the water droplets on his chest dampened my shirt. I trailed my fingers down his stomach and to the edge of his towel, teasing him.

And just like that, it was over.

It was so fucking perfect that if I didn't know any better I'd believe he planned this whole Wasaga trip from the beginning and had given me the perfect last kiss to haunt me for the rest of my life.

You're coming home
And I'm trying to forgive
You're coming home
I'm just trying to forget
You're coming home
I'm trying to move on
You're coming home
But you haven't called

You're coming home
You're coming home, you're coming home

My eyes open, and I blink slowly, realizing that we were now driving through Toronto, and I had fallen asleep. I sit up a little straighter, and Jay glances over.

"Well, Sleeping Beauty..."

We stop at Emma's first. She steps out, and I think she's about to say something, but she just looks at me and closes her mouth. We watch as she walks up the steps to her porch and goes inside. I know I'm next, and I'm dreading going home to an empty apartment.

I'm a little surprised when Jay gets out of the car, too, but I don't say anything. I open the front door, and we walk up the narrow staircase to the second floor. Creep neighbor number one is unlocking his door as he balances a case of beer in his hands, a cigarette dangling from his mouth. I want to tell him that smoking isn't allowed inside, but I'm honestly too afraid of what he could do to me when I'm alone. He steals a glance at me from the corner of his eye, and I suddenly a shower sounds inviting.

My hands shake as I take the key from my bag and stick it in the keyhole. I'm thinking that maybe this is some sick joke, and Sean will be waiting for me inside, laughing that I believed he could ever really leave me. And I'm sickened that I actually believe that this could really happen.

The place is dark and empty, and I feel the bile rise in my throat.

"You going to be okay?"

Jay's voice is soft, and I think that I can actually hear concern in it, but I just nod my head. The lights turn on and the sight of Sean's things- his car magazines and his Corvette poster and the cup he drank out of this morning- is just too much for me to handle.

"Oh God..." I whisper, as my voice cracks.

"I'm going to go, okay?" We both know what's about to happen, and Jay doesn't want to hang around and witness my breakdown. He's never been good with emotions, and I've never been good with letting anyone see me actually feel.

I slide down the wall onto the floor as soon as the door closes behind him, and I draw my knees up to my chest. My tears are hot, and my throat starts to burn. The sound of my own crying sounds foreign to me, and I hate it. I hate Rick. I hate the people that teased him. And I hate that I'm angry that my boyfriend played the hero.

But- oh God- I love Sean...

And I'm scared.

And I'm so tired of having to deal with this over and over again. First Marco, then my dad, my mom, now Sean...

I wipe my tears away from my face angrily. If Sean wants to run back to the parents who gave up on him, then fine. Let him leave. Let him abandon the girl who did everything to make him happy.

Damnit, I love him. Why isn't that enough for him?

Suddenly I was in the bathroom, and my hand was closing around his razor. How perfect. I almost want to laugh at how unbelievably perfect this whole situation is. I stare at my arm and bring the cold metal to it, hoping to take my mind off the indescribable pain I was experiencing. The metal sliced my arm, and a small line of blood appeared.

This is just something I have to live with. I'm a little comforted in the fact that I left Sean with something he has to live with, too.

The last look I gave Sean was heartbroken and disappointed, and I hope he sees it every time he closes his eyes.

I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I lonelily loomed her into my bone
You let me down
There's no use deceiving
Neither of us wanna be alone

Grrr! I didn't want to start this story until I was finished with April Child... but... I couldn't resist! I was listening to the song and kept thinking about it. (Lonelily-Damien Rice)

This story is about how Ellie dealt with Sean staying in Wasaga and is going to follow the show's storyline more and be more in character for Ellie. This chapter may seem OOC but I was just trying to get across that she was really hurt and confused as to how she was supposed to feel and very bitter about the situation (which I think we saw in Neutron Dance with the whole "guys suck" speech.) I really just tried to write this chapter stream-of-consciousness since it was what she was thinking as they were driving home and not so much dialogue or any character interaction.

I'm going to try and finish the last two-three chapters of April Child before working on this one again.

Please tell me what you think, and I look forward to reviews/constructive criticism.

And OMFGJSKZZZ, if I don't get five reviews I am never writing again.