It seems like forever since Gansey had left with Adam. Even if he had said that he wanted Ronan with him, he had chosen Adam. Part of Ronan understood. Adam needed the exposure to hopefully be a big-shot politician. The other part of Ronan burns with jealousy.
He clenches the keys that he had pulled out of his dreams. It is currently the only part of Gansey that he has, and that terrifies him. The Pig is the only real part of Gansey that he can have, but he shouldn't even have that. Just like the real Gansey. The real Gansey, sure, he could hold onto him in a platonic kind of way. All of them could. Except Blue who had Gansey tripping all over her.
Ronan doesn't think that Gansey and Blue even quite realize it themselves, but he could see it. It had started with Blue. Even while she was with Adam, he could see Blue's feelings for Gansey when she looked at him. It's nauseating.
He punches his wall and starts pacing, suddenly full of movement and anger. It isn't Blue that's the problem. The problem is that Adam is there seeing the Gansey that Ronan couldn't stand, the one that lies and pretends so that people who don't care will care. Adam is there seeing Gansey drunk, wallowing in self-pity because he would rather be here than there. Unlike Ronan, though, Adam probably won't keep a level head after a few glasses of champagne that he thought was ginger ale. The thought of Adam and Gansey fighting causes Ronan to turn on his heel and head out to his BMW.
He just needs to drive a little faster, clear his head a little more. Maybe at the end of that road there would be a bunch of poor choices that led to another night that he could only tell Gansey about when the others weren't around. With the music blaring, windows rolled down, he lets out a loud scream, releasing the majority of the feelings that he wouldn't even be able to show. Some times there is a lot that he can't tell Gansey even if the two are close.
When he stops, he taps into his alcohol stash, trying to forget feelings. The only problem with drinking away feelings is that, unlike memories, they get stronger with alcohol. The more that he drinks, the more those feelings bite into him. What falls away is the anger at Adam for Gansey picking him, the anger at Blue for being Gansey's soulmate, and even whatever he held against Noah. All that swims around is Gansey. All the love and lust and even platonic feelings that he has for Gansey forces him to throw the car in park, and clumsily crawl into the back seat.
Everything is just slightly hazy. Pills would make everything, even the feelings for Gansey, slip. However, how could he explain that one to Gansey? Oh, trying not to jack off to the thought of you, so I drugged myself. Yeah, not that Gansey would even want to know that. Ronan sighs, closes his eyes, and just feels. It's been a long time since he let himself feels these feelings. They feel like bliss.
Ronan arches his butt slightly off of the backseat, slipping his jeans and boxers down. He uses those emotions for Gansey to completely justify masturbating in the back of his car in a public area. Soft, low moans and gasps escape from his mouth. Imaging Gansey gently, almost timidly getting a feel of Ronan makes him moan even more. He closes his eyes to keep from imaging Gansey locking on to his eyes, giving him a slight smile. Gansey would be unsure.
Then, a tightness builds in his lower abdomen. "No.." Ronan whimpers, barely adiably, dying to hold on to this fantasy. Cum spews out, hot and thick, and completely tearing him away from the imagined Gansey, the one who loved him beyond a sibling.
"You could've been rougher!" Ronan yells towards his roof. It would've been too much like Ronan himself; wouldn't have made him crave and desire the Gansey, the one that he fell too hard and too real, the one that when Ronan's insomnia kept him awake and Gansey's didn't had him standing over the bed of, debating whether or not to lean over and kiss him, just to know.
But Blue would get to do that. Pretty girls with prettier personalities catch Gansey's attention. Not razor blade boys with scary tattoos who are brutally truthful. Not the best friend that isn't actually the "best". Girls who will timidly kiss him at first, holding back some of their passion for later will be the kind that take his kisses. Not dangerous boys who will kiss him with all of the built up passion and will consume him with it.
Ronan lays there, considering these things, rolling around in his mind that Blue will end up with Gansey. He lays there suppressing the emotions he just let burn through him. After finally balancing himself, he crawls back into the front seat. The drive home is lonely, lazy, but much needed.
He lights up a cigarette, almost upset about how he'll have to let the car air out before Gansey got home. Exhaling the smoke out the window, he leans into his seat, relaxing. It feels like the night is much longer than it actually has been. He glances at the clock on the dash. ...Or it is actually that long of a night. Three A.M. glows green from the dash, almost burning his retinas. Maybe sleep would actually come easily when he got to lay down.
Bright lights burn through his eyes, and he groans and rolls, covering his eyes. When he finally opens his eyes, the clock reads ten A.M. Ronan lets out a small groan, unbuckles his seatbelt, and only slightly wonders how he didn't get to bed. When he gets inside, Noah is standing there, looking like the disapproving parent.
"You've been gone all night."
"Actually, I was gone half of the night. If you looked out in my car, I've apparently been asleep there for seven sleep-filled hours. I was only out from nine to three." Ronan settles onto a chair.
"Just because Gansey's not here doesn't mean that you can run wild."
"Why? Because then I'm harder for you to bounce in on and you'll get lonely?" He hadn't slept very well. His head pounds, and Noah's voice and going in and out left Ronan more than slightly irritated. When Noah and the lights finally fail, he settles more comfortably into the chair. It's harder to get comfortable here than in the car apparently. Even with taking its time, sleep pours into him relaxing first this muscle and then that one.