A/N: I don't know why I ever stopped reading or writing fanfiction. Maybe it was because I didn't think I could ever find another story to write after my last one, or maybe it was because I wanted to make sure I could do my next story justice! I don't know, but I am so glad I am back! Last week I read a ton of new stories and they all got me thinking of ideas that needed to shared. This story is going to be a little new for me… it is the first time I have ever written a story about a television show that is still airing episodes! Normally I enjoy waiting to see what the writers for the show come up with, but now is the time for Elena to make a decision – any decision – so hopefully you understand why I had to write this story! Please enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own The Vampire Diaries or any of the characters from the show – no copy write infringement is intended.
CHAPTER ONE
"I don't think I can do this anymore. I think it might be time I actually make a decision." As I utter these words to Caroline, I wonder if I can actually make that decision knowing everything I do. As I fondle the cashmere sweater in front of me, I think back to all of the times that I spent with Stefan and Damon. All the days I thought of having a family, of meeting the one guy I wanted to grow old with. Of that moment when Stefan asked me what I wanted and I knew that being a vampire wasn't it. And then those moments with Damon after I was first changed, knowing that everything was finally right somehow with us. Can I decide to love one Salvatore brother? Do I want to stay a vampire forever? Can I let this life that I was forced into stop me from realizing my childhood dreams?
Those questions have racked my mind since the change, even before if I am honest, but things have definitely come to a head now that my humanity is back. Now that I feel so strongly about all the deaths, all the secrecy, all the lies I just want to wake up and forget it all ever occurred. I want to go back to worrying about dates, dances, even graduation. I know that isn't possible with my current need to seek revenge, but I wish so much that things could be different. Even if I can make one choice towards a normal life – like I don't know, chose one boyfriend – maybe that will make it better somehow.
"Honey, some of us already think you made that choice," Caroline whispers, as she ducks her head and moves closer to a sequined dress on a rack in the back of the store. "You may not want to admit it but when you turned back on the humanity and ran to Stefan's arms, that seemed pretty telling, don't you think?"
I have been dealing with that question for the last few weeks, not really coming to my own conclusion. I know what it looked like, but what I felt at that time was so enormous. That wave of emotion re-entering my body, starting my heart back up, was all encompassing. It was hard to even breathe, let alone realize that the one I was clinging to might not be the one I was choosing. Stefan has always been a rock. Even when he was off on a ripper binge he was thinking of me, worrying about me. Every time he pushed me away when I was trying to bring him back I knew that he wanted what was best for me – even if at the time it wasn't him. Knowing that someone loves you enough to deny their own desires is hard to ignore. And when you need someone to console you, someone that will always want what is best you tend to turn to the one individual in the crowd with their arms open, with their eyes searching, with their heart already visible and part of their actions.
"Maybe he was just closest. Maybe I needed someone that was sympathetic, someone that always represented that comfort I remembered from when I was human, someone that I could just grab onto," I whisper this under my breath.
I don't really want Caroline drawing anymore conclusions from my actions or words. After all, I know Damon cares; in fact I am pretty sure he loves me more than anyone else in the world. But is that enough? Can I ever love him the same way? And what if I do want to be human again, and the cure is available, do I leave him behind? Do I find a nice human that I will never love with the same intensity and have a family with him? I don't really know what kind of love I would be able to give him, or if it would even match his total devotion. After all, the man loves with single purpose and thought. He loves completely, caring little for those around him, only focusing on the one he wants. I have seen this plenty of times in the past, directed at me.
"Elena, why is this coming up now? Have you seen Stefan yet? What about Damon? I know after you told them of your plans to seek revenge on Katherine that you stopped returning their calls, stopped going by the boardinghouse, even going to school – which might I add is not looking good for your prospects of graduating?"
I stifle a laugh at that. "What? You mean the valedictorian wouldn't want her best friend repeating her senior year?" I roll my eyes at Caroline before I begin really giggling. It feels so good to laugh, to feel anything beyond hate, despair and pain. Right now Caroline is the only one I can do that with, the only friend I can really break down with and not feel like I am making light of anything that occurred in the past few weeks.
I feel guilty every time I think about Matt. Remembering the moment I almost killed him makes me shudder. I feel guilty not returning his calls, but I don't think either one of us would appreciate an all-out crying jag right now. Not after everything that occurred. Maybe that makes me a little selfish, but I want to try to understand and come to grips with everything before I begin apologizing, especially to someone that has known me so long and so well. Matt has always been there so completely for me, and I don't want to give him any less of my attention and time.
Bonnie is different – I don't blame her for what is occurring, nor do I find her responsible for Jeremy's death, but I can't look her in the eyes without feeling less about our friendship than I previously did. I am sure that will change, probably soon as Caroline cannot stop talking about getting everyone together now that I want to feel, but I am not going out of my way to see her. Right now my conscience is catching up with me about a lot of things, including trying to kill Bonnie at prom and since I won't turn off my humanity again I just don't want to dredge up memories of anything like that – at least not yet.
As far as Damon and Stefan – I think I just need time. Time to be me, time to answer the questions on my mind. As a vampire time is easy, but I'm not sure how much time I'll be given. Too many people are involved in our triangle for me to ignore them for too long. And I don't think it is fair to either of them to delay this decision for too much longer.
"I haven't seen either of them. I'm feeling a little uneasy about seeing them again to be honest. Maybe that's why I want to answer some of these questions first – so that I don't fall back into a relationship or a routine with either of them. They both mean too much to just fall back into anything, I need to make this decision for all three of us. I need to make this decision finally – it's been too long that we have all been in limbo."
Caroline signs and turns back to the sequin dress. "How much is this? I'm thinking this will look great for the last big bash next week, don't you think?" And with that, Caroline is already on to the next thing, leaving me with questions, so many questions, unanswered.
A/N: After I finished this chapter I decided I didn't really know who she should be with – just that she needs to be with someone… So I put a poll on my profile – please let me know who you think Elena should end up with! Also I love reviews… so please let me know what you think!