AN: So I had this idea and I couldn't get it out of my head. I'm planning on making this a seven chapter story, with a possibly sequel, depending on how things go. I have the whole thing planned out though, so expect frequent updates.
This story is based off the song 'My Backwards Walk' by Frightened Rabbit. Check it out.
Also, my other story, "Explosions in the Sky" will be updated soon. I just wanted to get this one out of my head before I continued with it.
I'm working on my backwards walk, walking with no shoes or socks.
And the time rewinds to the end of May, I wish we'd never met, then met today
Quinn Fabray had never claimed to be perfect, regardless of all of the hollow expectations her parents bestowed upon her. It took nearly eighteen years to realize that she didn't need to make them proud to be happy. Looking back on the past four years of her life; she realized that it was truly a blessing to lose everything…more than once. It helped her become the woman she was today. And for the first time in her eighteen years of life, she was proud of herself.
Sure, she didn't win prom queen like her mom always wanted. But to see the look in Rachel's face when her name was announced…to see the smile that shown all the way into her eyes whenever she finally stood next to Santana…it made it all worth it.
Looking over the growing party in Puck's backyard from the second story balcony, the blonde couldn't help but smile. It was liberating to see almost all of McKinley senior class mingling as if they have been close for years. Quinn let out a silent laugh at the realization that her life would be so drastically different if it weren't for glee club. She'd probably still be battling her own sexuality and living on the streets after her parents kicked me out when she was pregnant.
It had taken her four years to realize that without Rachel Berry, she wouldn't have accomplished much of anything these past couple of years. She was proud to say that she was Quinn's first real friend.
Even more proud that Rachel considered her a friend as well, despite all the horrible things I had done over the years. Quinn had made her life a living hell on more than one occasion and it still astonished he that she even forgave half of them, let alone everything.
"Quinn?" A tentative voice called from behind the blonde, whose legs were now dangling off the edge of the balcony between the slats on the railing. Turning halfway around to look inside to Puck's room, hazel eyes met brown and she flashed a welcoming smile.
"Come join me," the blonde suggested, patting the wooden floor next to her. She watched as Rachel crossed the room, glancing around at the provocative posters of the nearly naked women that donned every wall…and the ceiling above the bed…and the door. She sat down next to the blonde, playing with the near empty red solo cup in her hands before setting it down next to her.
"Can you believe that this year is over? We've graduated," Rachel beamed, allowing her head to rest on Quinn's shoulder. She was, admittedly, a little tipsy. Her night had started with no intentions to drink, but after Finn had gotten so trashed he was speaking with a vase rather than Rachel, she decided to forgo sobriety in hopes to have a carefree night with the rest of her friends. Quinn, however, had opted to drink water for the evening, not wanting to turn into scary Quinn on a night that was supposed to be in good fun.
Quinn's head lolled to the side, coming to rest atop Rachel's. She leaned back on her hands, giving the pair a little more support. "It's hard to believe isn't it? So much has happened; it's almost hard to believe it's over. We're adults now."
The pair shared a light laugh over their disbelief before falling into a comfortable silence.
After a moment, Quinn sat up a little straighter, taking a few slow breaths. "Rachel?" She asked almost uncertainly, her voice considerably more quiet than she had originally intended.
Despite the mild affects of the alcohol, Rachel could tell that whatever was on Quinn's mind wasn't simply light conversation. She shifted a bit, lifting her head off of Quinn's shoulder in favor of turning to face the blonde, her legs crossed. "Yeah Quinn?" she asked softly.
She was met with silence, Quinn staring down at her hands in her lap as she turned; copying Rachel's current seating position. Rachel slowly reached out, taking Quinn's hands in hers to stop the fidgeting and provide some sort of comfort to the blonde, urging her to continue.
"Do you remember what happened after regionals? Before your wedding?" Her voice was a little louder now, filled with more purpose than her first inquiry.
The brunette nodded, audibly gulping. "You…your accident…I don't think I'll ever forget."
Immediately, Quinn shook her head, effectively silencing Rachel from speaking further. "I was talking about the hallway. About what I asked you…do you remember?"
Rachel nodded again slowly "I still…I don't understand."
Quinn had yet to meet Rachel's eyes, her eyes, instead, focused on where tan hands covered pale. "I know there was a lot of confusion on your end about why I didn't support your marriage with Finn," Quinn began, reciting the speech she had practiced in front of the mirror more frequently than her own valedictorian speech, "and most people, probably yourself included, thought that I just wasn't over Finn or something like that…"
"Quinn, if you're going to attempt to berate my wedding once more, I must advice that you…"
"That isn't what I'm doing Rachel. I promise. That isn't it. Just…please let me finish. I've been rehearsing this for weeks now. Just…please." Rachel wasn't one to remain silent, but Quinn Fabray had always been the exception to every rule.
For the first time since Rachel had stepped onto the balcony, Quinn's eyes met hers, glistening with unshed tears. Rachel couldn't help but think about how good Quinn was at putting on a brave face. She was such a strong person for someone of her age, unnecessarily so.
"Anyway," the blonde continued, her eyes travelling out to the party below then back to their hands, "I am over Finn…I was never really into him, as hard as that is to believe. I was just doing what would make my parents happy. Finn was the quarterback, a sweet and innocent boy. His mom and my mom adored one another. It was expected for me to date him once I became head cheerleader. So when I was hanging onto Finn, I was really hanging onto my social status," Rachel nodded in understanding, "So first and foremost, I want to apologize for being such a bitch to you when it came to him, and I want you to know that I have absolutely no intention of ever trying to steal him from you or anything. He was never mine to begin with."
Rachel gave Quinn's hands a light squeeze, smiling up at her "I never thought that…well for a moment after Tina suggested it. But I knew you were past that. Besides, I see you, Brittany, and Santana glaring at him every time he speaks, so I figured you were either over him, or trying to plot his untimely demise."
"Untimely my ass," Quinn quipped with a teasing smirk, earning herself a playful shove from Rachel
"I have a feeling that you're not quite done with that lovely speech, am I right?" Rachel asked hesitantly, curious as to what Quinn's disapproval had to do with anything.
The blonde nodded in the affirmative, taking a calming breath before continuing, "This past year, prior to my trip on the crazy train, I started thinking about my actions and my intentions behind them. And they all started making sense when I would look at them with a certain light. Then when Joe was going to physical therapy with me, it sort of just reassured me about things.
"I guess I realized that the reason I never felt that magnetic, undeniable pull for the guys I've dated and the reason that I was always so upset when Finn or Puck would give you attention is because…" She trailed off for a moment, clearing her throat which had suddenly become drier than she ever remembered it being.
"Quinn you know you can tell me anything…I know we haven't always been extremely close, but I consider you my best friend. And nothing you say will ever change that." Rachel gave a reassuring smile to the blonde, trying to soothe some of her very apparent fears.
"I asked you that question in the hallway because I had realized that I was in love with you," Quinn barely registered the brunette's gasp as she continued speaking, "I wanted to make sure that you really cared for Finn because I needed that closure…that realization that I didn't have a chance with you."
Rachel's jaw dropped slightly, "Are you drunk?"
Letting out a quiet laugh, the blonde looked up from her lap to meet Rachel's eyes, hazel locking onto brown, "This is water, thank you very much," Quinn teased, "And I'm being one hundred percent serious. Think about these past three years. It wasn't too difficult for me to put the puzzle together after I got used to the idea."
Quinn sat back a little, attempting to study Rachel's facial expressions. The girl had always been so extremely animated, but there was something different in her eyes. Something she couldn't read. It almost looked as if the brunette wasn't surprised. As if she knew.
"Rachel…I love you," she nearly winced as her voice cracked slightly, but it caught Rachel's attention and that was enough.
The brunette snapped out of her daze, looking into Quinn's eyes, "You really should've told me this a long time ago Quinn."
A single eyebrow quirked up as she listened to the singer continue to speak.
"If you had told me…everything would be so different," she looked out at the party where Finn was currently attempting to dance. Safe to say it wasn't quite working out for him. He really was a far cry from the partner Rachel used to dream of. But he loved her, and that was enough for her. Shaking her head slightly, Rachel turned back to Quinn, letting out a sigh.
Quinn had used the time Rachel looked around the yard to scoot closer to the brunette until their knees were touching. "It's not too late Rachel," she said in a voice barely above a whisper, "Picture this: there is no past. There is nothing before right now. This very moment. Imagine what life would be like if we hadn't met until this very moment. What would you say?"
Realizing that she had absolutely nothing more to lose, Quinn reached up and tucked a few stray strands of brunette hair behind the singer's ear, a smile tugging at her lips. Rachel could've swore it was a smile only reserved for her. Taking a moment to look into Quinn's eyes before allowing them to fall to her lips, Rachel whispered softly, "I'd say kiss me Quinn."
The blonde's palm brushed against the smooth, tan skin of Rachel's cheek, cupping her face gently in her hand as she leaned forward until their noses were brushing "Are you sure?"
"I'm one hundred percent sure. I've never been so sure about anything in my entire life."
That was all the permission Quinn needed, her lips captured the brunette's in a slow and languid kiss. The last thing the blonde wanted to do was rush what might be their only kiss, she so desperately wanted to savor every moment, allow it to etch itself permanently into her mind. But as the brunette's hand snaked its way through short blonde locks, tugging lightly, she couldn't help but allow this kiss to transform into something more accelerated.
Rachel leaned forward slightly, simultaneously pulling the blonde closer to herself as she desperately attempted to get as close as humanly possible. Quinn's tongue brushed along Rachel's bottom lip, gaining entrance without the slightest hesitation from the brunette.
For the first time in her life, Rachel felt sheer electricity. The rush she would feel on stage, or anytime she was performing, was nothing compared to this. This was all encompassing. This shook her straight to the bone, taking over her body with what felt like the most comforting fire. This kiss far surpassed any other she had ever shared with her previous boyfriends, Finn included. The way their tongues battled for dominance rather than just having a tongue shoved into her mouth, the way Quinn's fingers comfortingly caressed her cheek rather than attempt to fondle any of her private areas, the way that Quinn managed to pour everything into this kiss as if it was the most important moment of her life. Nothing could ever compare to this moment.
As their lips began slowing, Quinn pulled away, just enough to press light kisses along Rachel's cheek, her jaw, her forehead, finishing off with a soft kiss to the tip of her nose. "You have absolutely no idea how long I've wanted to do that," the blonde whispered, trying to catch her breath.
Rachel's eyes closed momentarily, her fingers slowly running through Quinn's hair before the made their way slowly down her arms to take her hands, "Quinn…I'm engaged…Finn…I…"
The blonde shook her head, effectively cutting Rachel off, "I know…and it probably shouldn't have happened. But I don't regret it, not the slightest bit."
Nodding in agreement, Rachel smiled, pulling the blonde in for a tight hug, "I wish we had met tonight," she whispered, pressing a soft kiss to her temple, her fingers brushing against Quinn's jaw.
The blonde leaned into the touch slightly, Rachel's fingers leaving goosebumps in their path as the travelled along her neck, "So do I Rachel, and I'm just…I'm glad you're my best friend. I just wish that we had met tonight too."
xoxoxo
"No one is one hundred percent sure about anything Finn," Rachel said in a voice barely above a whisper. Finn was her security. He was certainty, he was familiarity. She wasn't ready to let that go. He had been the one person who had been relatively consistent throughout the past few years and now here came a curve ball. But now, the only thing Rachel could think about was Quinn.
She had been so sure about what had happened between the two of them last night, alcohol or not. She wiped her tears off of her cheek, tears she knew Finn would believe were for him. There would be no way things would be the same with Quinn now. If only she had known Finn was going to do this last night on the balcony, it could've been the first night for Quinn and Rachel. Their chance to get it right.
After a few more agonizing minutes of Finn throwing curveball after curveball her way in the car, the pair made their way to the train station. As her former fiancé grabbed for her hand, she couldn't help but notice how awkward the fit was. Her mind flashed back to how perfectly Quinn's hand had felt in hers last night, every curve, every inch, fitting together as if they were from the same mold.
As they rounded the corner, Rachel's eyes immediately caught Quinn's. She offered up a sad smile, and Quinn's mirrored hers briefly before turning into something more hopeful. Quinn instinctively reached forward and placed her hand softly on Rachel's shoulder before allowing her hand to drift down her arm, offering a small and reassuring squeeze. There was something in Rachel's smile that told Quinn everything that had happened in the car.
Finn had finally done something mature, letting Rachel go. Quinn couldn't help but be happy with him for that.
Santana was the one that pulled Quinn out of her thoughts, tugging on her arm to draw her attention to the train window where Rachel was looking out sadly at Finn. Quinn felt her body tense as Finn started jogging after the train, Rachel's eyes still focused on the tall boy. But then brown eyes closed briefly, as if she were closing a chapter of her life. And, when they reopened, they zeroed in on Quinn. The blonde smiled and waved at the brunette, who responded with a bright smile.
The train was long out of sight when the blonde left the station, Santana alongside of her. "I get it Q," she paused to glance at the former head cheerio's confused expression, "it's hard to be away from someone you love." Quinn wrapped her arm around the other girl's shoulders, pulling her closer to her as they stepped off of the train platform, heading back to Santana's car.