Chapter 1
It was another fine day, in that fine city of Gotham. There was a fine new, young, journalist who had moved there. Her fine name was Aloe, for she finely heals. She had a nice little cubicle in the office, decorated with floras and pictures of her old college days. It was simply perfect in every way. Not a speck of dust or mess anywhere. That could be, because of the Air-In-A-Can she carries around with her, but who knows, maybe she's just finely perfect. And it just so happened that she came along after Rachel died, so Bruce Wayne was a free man. And that very night he was throwing a party, because he wasn't grieved at all about the death of his one true love or anything.
Aloe arrived at the party in the fancy new Mercedes Limo, which Bruce Wayne had sent himself. She wore a flowing lavender dress which hugged her curves and skinny waist. Her hair was up in a honeycomb and she wore pearls. She looked professional, especially with her little clutch purse. As she stepped out of the limo she would have shyly pulled her strap on her shoulder, but she was wearing a strapless. She walked down the red carpet the cameras flashing, because its Bruce Wayne's party, why else? She went up into the penthouse, an being the klutz she is she stumbled in the party tripping over her heels, but Bruce Wayne was there in a flash and caught her.
Gazing into her sapphire eyes he said, "Welcome to my pad." She gazed back into his deep, sympathetic, rich, dark brown eyes. She would have passed out but she didn't want to miss out.
"Thanks," she replied showing off her super white teeth. He slowly lifted her to her feet. Then the worst of worst happened. There were gunshots and people screaming. "Bruce what's going on?" she asked in her petty, worried voice.
"You have to leave, NOW!" he said, as he tried shoving her into the closet to hide her. Even though he just met her he was twitter patted instantly and would take a bullet for her and anything. She was just that drop dead gorgeous. She thought the same of him, that first, sweet scent of a rich man's cologne, it struck her like a car hurling at 80mph. This was true love at first sight. Then it all came crashing down in seconds.
"Sorry to crash the party, I had to get in somehow. The guards wouldn't let me in because they said I wasn't invited. I took care of it though. Now let's get the party started…boys…" It was the joker, that fiend. He waved for his henchmen to come in; they did, with machine guns and masks. "Why hello, Brucy, how are things? How's the old lady?" he asked, pointing to Aloe who just had to come out of the closet to see the craziness.
"Her name is Aloe and she's mine, back off," he said, gazing at the joker, eyes ablaze.
"Aloe huh? Need some Aloe for that burn, hahaha..." Once he finished his maniacal laugh he looked at her. "You are very pretty," he said, licking his lips, and putting his hair back. "You wanna ditch this party and do something real, baby?" He walked closer to her.
"No Joker, she is MINE!" Bruce shouted.
"Come on, Bruce we both know that she would rather have a real man," he said, adjusting his collar. Then he leaned in close, "The kind that doesn't have a mask to cover what's real."
Bruce didn't say anything.
"Joker, don't you talk to my man like that," belted Aloe.
"Oh feisty, huh? Well I like a challenge," he creeped, yet again, closer to her face, licking his lips. Then he picked her up with his gorgeous muscular arms and carried her out of the dead party.
"Bruce, BRUCE!" she screamed, her voice only echoing in the empty top floor.
After she was no longer heard Bruce looked around, his guest gone, Aloe, taken away. "Damn it!" he shouted. "This always happens! I need to blow off some steam." He went to his bat cave became Batman and started to tear down Gotham streets.
Joker and Aloe were in his escape van, along with his counter partners. "So sweetheart, what do you like to do for fun?"
"Not being around you," she answered, firmly.
"Funny, never heard of that before. How about we play a different game," he answered.
"I'm not scared of you, or any of your henchmen. I am a strong woman and I won't be scar--" Jasper, Joker's right hand man knocked her out.
"Jasper was that really necessary? She wasn't even done talking."
"Sorry boss, but her valley girl voice was rather annoying," he said, with a deep voice.
"Always, always knocking out my guest, you know you need to learn to control your temper."
"Hey Faggot!" shouted a kid off the street. The Joker shot him.
"I just don't understand how you can be so senseless."
"GAY!" Again the Joker shot the gangster.
"You know, just be calm."
"Fa--"
"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SHOOT YOU!" yelled the Joker, from the van halted by the red light. Nothing else was said then the light turned green.
"Fag!" the faint voice yelled. Joker slammed on the brakes and got out of the car and ran to the thug and started punching his lights out.
"Why…won't…you…die!?" his struggling voice echoed. When he was done he came back into the van slammed the door, and sped off.
"What a shame, can't even have the decency to not hit a lady."
"Yes, Sir, Sorry Sir, it won't happen again…sir," said Jasper.
They sped the rest of the way; going to the Joker's plotting sanctuary. It was a nice little apartment in a duplex on the edge of town. While most villains live in rundown buildings, Joker is classier than that.
"Because you knocked her out, carry her in," demanded the Joker.
"Yes sir," he obeyed. He opened the door and missed Aloe as she fell out with a thud on the ground.
"JASPER! You can't even pull her out of the van? Why did I hire you? I'll do it." He picked her up of the ground and threw her over his shoulder like an animal and power walked inside his cozy home. Fred came over and slapped Jasper on the shoulder giving him a dirty look.
"What?" he asked, obliviously. Fred slapped his forehead and followed the Joker inside.
"You guys?" Jasper asked, looking at the rest of them. They all shook their head in disbelief, and went inside.
The Joker was lying on the bed next to the unconscious Aloe. Her lip was swollen but she was still gorgeous, because all her imperfections are perfection, obviously. When she started to wake up she saw Joker staring at her. She screamed.
"Morning sweet cheeks how are you?" he said.
She was appalled, how could he have the audacity to pull her from her one true love and then ask her how she was?
"How dare you ask me how I am!"
He jumped out of bed and strolled to her, staring and licking his lips. He pinned her against the wall, she was secretly grateful, who wouldn't want to be pinned by the Joker?
"I was just asking," he said.
Lost in the abyss of his black eyes, she lost her composure. "Okay."
"Are you going to answer?"
"I'm great," she admitted, starting to fall, he just made her weak in the knees.
"Good. But aren't you going to ask me the same thing?" he asked, starting to pull out his knife.
"Yeah. You're gorgeous. What? How are you this morning?"
"I'm excellent." He licked his lips and put the knife back in his pocket. "Now let's find something a little more comfortable." He pulled away from her and went into he walk in closet. Aloe was breathing so heavy at this point, she wanted him, and she wanted his body. All she had to do was heal his heart. It was going to be strenuous but she could do it. Actually she WILL do it.
"Here we go," said Joker, walking out with a jumpsuit.
"That's it?" she asked, disgusted pointing at the 80's styled thing. "I was thinking something…I dunno…" she was strolling over to him seductively. "A little more…sexy…" she seductively smiled as well, putting her arm around his neck and wrapping a leg around him.
"Really? Well this is all I got so it'll do," he said, taking her arm off him. "Sorry I'm just not in the mood darling. Maybe some other time." He walked away without second though and left Aloe standing in all her lonesomeness. Then Aloe got pouty and mopped around the house, for the rest of the day. God forbid things not go her way.
She stormed into the bathroom and put the hideous jumpsuit on. She looked in the mirror with it on. She was utterly disgusted. Her, oh so, perfect became a box. Once Aloe was dressed in her horrid, not sexy outfit she went downstairs to meet the Joker.
"Hey there Mr. J, how ar---"
"I am not Mr. J," he interrupted, "I am Joker or THE Joker, to be politically correct."
"I'm sorry, I just thought we had a close enough bond, and I felt it."
"Um, No…" he said, getting back to stuffing his pockets with knives and other deadly objects.
"You love me. I know you do, just… you can share your true feelings with me…" she pleaded, falling to her knees.
"You want to know what I feel? Well here it is, I could care less about you. I'm simply using you until I have no further need."
"I know you don't mean that," said Aloe, getting all angry, she had a little fight in her and he likes that. She knew she completed him, she knew everything.
"Oh I do, sweet cheeks, every word," he said, looking up to her, licking his lips.
"Hmph--" she grunted, as she turned on her heel and went back upstairs. "I'll show him," she said to herself. "I'll make him want me; I have the figure of a Goddess. Bruce Wayne would and does want me." She took her jumpsuit off and cut it up only to put it back together with a needle and thread she carried around in her clutch…always. She obviously knew how to sew, cook, pole dance, etc. When she was done she had a mini skirt with a belly tank top, because who wouldn't want to see those perfectly toned abs, and legs. She let her hair down and went to put make up on to match the Joker's.
She painted her face white with a black diamond over one eye and a black heart over her other, and smeared red lipstick on her face.
"He can call me Clubs."
Elsewhere Bruce Wayne was thinking about that hot new chick in Gotham. It was love, most definitely.
"Alfred," he called, "Do you know anything about Aloe?"
"Unfortunately, I don't sir," he answered, as he came in with a tray of breakfast.
"I'll find her, Alfred," said Bruce, stroking his mighty fine chin.
Back with the Joker, Clubs went back downstairs.
"Hey Joker," she said, seductively, as she leaned on the wall, stretching her legs to the other side. He looked up at her, and instead of the maniacal smile she was looking for, she got the 'you're kidding right' look. He stared at her with blank eyes and licked his lips.
"Did you just rip up my vintage 1987 jumpsuit, and replace it with that outrageous outfit that made you look like a hooker?"
Aloe, trying to ignore that he cared about his jumpsuit, just noticed the hooker part.
"It's all for you…" she said, continuing down the stairs in her high heeled boot. She was walking THE walk; she wasn't going to be shoved into the darkness like a normal person. No way.
"Well, I don't want it, what I want is a never ending supply of nitrous oxide and hydrogen bombs. But you don't see me parading around here in with a shirt saying that 'I want hydrogen bombs,' now do you?" Once again, he continued stuffing his pockets with knives and deadly objects. Shaking his head and wondering to himself, 'why did I take her?' He stuffed the last knife into his pocket and started to leave.
"Jokie, where are you going?" asked Aloe, in her baby voice.
"Away from you, and to go trouble the mafia a little more, then maybe later torment the Batman."
"Can I come, I'm your Harlequin remember?"
"No I don't remember, in fact, I know that I didn't make you my Harlequin, you are simply trying to get closer to me which I do not particularly care for. I'll be back sometime." He waved his hand in dismissal. He then walked out into the mid-day light, randomly whipping his nose.
'I'll just make cookies,' she thought. She went into the kitchenette and started cooking, from scratch…without a cookbook.
The Joker came back around 7.
He walked in and yelled, "Clubs! C'mon we have to go!"
"OOO where?" she asked, peeking her amazing face, obnoxiously around the corner.
"A date. A firework spectacular," he answered, holding his hands together.
"Oh really, I'm so glad you finally realize you're true feelings for me. Just let me put something better on."
The Joker stood there, waiting patiently, licking his lips every so often.
Clubs came down, the stairs in the same dress she had worn when they first met.
"Let's go," she said, giggling. The Joker smiled, and held his arm out, they strolled down to the harbor. They started to get n one of the two ferries.
"Oh, I forgot something, I'll be right back," he said, getting off the boat.
"Hurry back," she called, holding her hand to her face to magnify the sound. Without looking at her, he simply waved. She continued into the boat further. It was filled with women just like her. They could be models, all their figures amazing, perfect face, hair, etc.
'What is this?' she thought to herself, 'that's interesting.' The boat started to launch.
"Oh but Joker's not back yet," she said, aloud.
"Neither is Bruce," said another girl.
"Or Dr. Crane, my he's gorgeous," said another.
She looked around, maybe he had snuck on, or maybe he was just planning something just for her. She went to the side of the boat to look out at the water and sky, waiting for the fireworks.
Elsewhere, Joker, Bruce/Batman, and Dr. Crane all watch from a building as the two ferries launch.
"I'm not so sure about this," said Bruce/Batman.
"Do you really want all those oblivious, perfect, whatever else they are hovering around you anymore?" asked the Joker.
"I agree with Joker," said Crane. "Those girls are so, completely repugnant, my hallucinogens made them like me even more."
"Okay, just this once," said Bruce.
"Glad to see you've joined the fun," said the Joker. "Here are your fireworks ladies, HAHAHA…" The Joker then pushed a detonator which sent the two ferries, filled with beautiful, smart, obnoxious, bitches sky high. Crane snickered a little, Bruce smiled, and the Joker laughed hysterically. You may wonder why Bruce Wayne/Batman didn't stop this act of mass murder, but Batman truly is whatever Gotham City needs.
A/N: If you didn't figure it out, this was an intentional Mary Sue fic. It is a satire and it rocks so all you Mary Sue lovers out there suck it up. For all the real story writers/readers out there, hope you enjoyed. I did. =]