A/N: Billywigs,
Fizzing Whizbees, and the wizarding world belong to the fabulous
JK Rowling.
This is
dedicated to Molly Weasley. I'm certain she had a copy of this
handy at all times when her children were growing up - namely
Charlie.
A Harry
Potter Satire
by Moey
READING,
WRITING, AND WIGGING
A Wizarding Parents'
Guide to Billywig Abuse in Children
A Free Publication brought
to you by Wizards and Witches for a Drug Free Britain
Billywig Usage
Since the countercultural
revolution that took place in the early 1970's, coupled with
the nation's infatuation with all things Australian in the
1980's, Billywig abuse has been on the rise in Wizarding
society. Billywig use is up 45 percent among young people between
the ages of 11 and 17. Even more alarming is the rise in Billywig
use among young witches between the ages of 12 and 15.
For this group, Billywig use has risen 75 percent since 1985,
with almost four out of every five witches between the ages of 12
and 15 having reported using Billywigs.
Billywig Description
and History
Billywigs are insects native to
Australia whose sting causes giddiness and levitation in the user.
(For more information on the Billywig's appearance and
habitat, see Fantastic Beasts & Where to Find Them
by Newt Scamander, Obscurus Books) Australian witches and wizards
first learned of the Billywig's magical properties from the
Aboriginal peoples, who, as of today, still use them in ancient
tribal ceremonies and rituals. The Aborigines also claim that
Billywigs are effective in cures against kidney stones and
headaches, and they have been known to use them in remedies for
these and other ailments. However, the medicinal value of the
Billywig has never been proven, and it is assumed among leading
wizard-medical researchers that the only benefit derived is that
of extreme muscle relaxation, which, in turn leads to some pain
relief.
Terminology to become
familiar with regarding Billywig usage:
- Billywig usage is often
referred to as stinging or wigging.
- When a user refers to
being stung, they are referring
to the physical and mental state they enter after using.
- Someone that is all
stung up is said to be feeling the full
effects of a sting.
- Slang terms for Billywigs
include: bills, bw's,
stings, and wigs.
Myths surrounding
Billywigs and their use:
Myth: Billywig
use is safe.
Fact: Billywig
use can in fact be extremely dangerous. Users that overdose on
Billywig stings will hover uncontrollably for days or even weeks.
Victims that have had a severe allergic reaction to Billywig
stings are left floating permanently as well as suffering from
sporadic, yet often violent, giggle fits.
Myth: Long-term
use of Billywigs is not harmful.
Fact: To this
day, the physical and mental effects of long-term Billywig usage
are unknown. Wizard-medical studies are inconclusive on the
subject. However, there are many studies that do conclude that
long-term users suffer irreparable memory loss and are more
likely to wear outlandish tie-dyed robes.
Myth: Dried
Billywig stings are the key ingredient in Fizzing Whizbees®.
Fact: Although
at one time during the early 19th century Billywig stings were
used in the invention and production of the popular sweet Fizzing
Whizbees®, they have not been used as an ingredient since the
early 1900's.
Signs that your child
may be abusing Billywigs:
- Constant levitation and/or
floating.
- Extreme cheerfulness and
the apparent lack of any teen angst.
- Bloodshot eyes and
increased appetite especially when coupled with
cheerfulness and levitation.
If you notice one or more of
these signs in your child they could be abusing Billywigs.
Remember that you are the most important factor in whether or not
your child will abuse drugs. Talk to your kids, they will listen.
For more information or
additional pamphlets and resources, please contact Wizards and
Witches for a Drug Free Britain.
