"You understand nothing. Three weeks ago we were standing on a beach
on the Santorini watching the sun rising on the Mediterranean... Now she is
lying in a hospital in Switzerland breathing through a tube. You think it
takes courage to do what we do? Face another immortal with a sword knowing
only one of you will win? You try being her! You try living one year
knowing that however much you train, whatever tricks you have, you will
lose! That's what it's like of them- so little time for them to see
anything or do anything..."
I spoke those words to Amanda so long ago. Many years have passed since I watched Alexa die. And I still miss her. And I still remember her. That's why I come here, to her grave, every year on the anniversary of her death. I come here and tell her all the stories that I had wanted to tell her, but had never gotten a chance to. I tell her that I love her, and that I miss her. And sometimes it feels like she is there with me, listening to me.
Have you ever sat in a room and looked at a single beam of sunshine come into the room and illuminate specks of dust in the air? I have, and I have a name for it- dirty sunshine. It kind of reminds me of the time I spent with Alexa. Dirty sunshine is beautiful, and the dust floating around in the light makes it more beautiful. Yet dust is usually something bad- it makes things dirty, it makes people sneeze, it's annoying to clean. The time I spent with Alexa was beautiful. And the knowledge that she was dying made it all the more precious to me. Her death made the time I had with her more precious. It's something that can never be captured again. Yet these things are bad things.
Soon I will have to leave and return to my life. Return to the people who are still alive and who love me, who depend on me. Return to my work, my friends, my Aiko. Aiko knows that I am here. She knows that she is not the only woman I have ever loved. She accepts it. And she accepts that there will always be a place for that other woman in my heart for as long as I live. Before I left she told me something very similar to what McLeod had told me. It was a poem by Samuel Butler and it reminded me that as long as I remember Alexa, she will continue to live on through me:
"I fall asleep in the full and certain hope That my slumber shall not be broken; And that though I be all-forgetting, Yet shall I not be all-forgotten, But continue that life in the thoughts and deeds Of those I loved".
It's time to go. I say "I love you" and put down the rose that I had brought with me in the pile of withered rose already there... one for every year since she had died. Then I turned to walk away. I will be back next year. I always am. I want to remember Alexa for as long as I am alive, and I want her to know that I remember her.
The End
I spoke those words to Amanda so long ago. Many years have passed since I watched Alexa die. And I still miss her. And I still remember her. That's why I come here, to her grave, every year on the anniversary of her death. I come here and tell her all the stories that I had wanted to tell her, but had never gotten a chance to. I tell her that I love her, and that I miss her. And sometimes it feels like she is there with me, listening to me.
Have you ever sat in a room and looked at a single beam of sunshine come into the room and illuminate specks of dust in the air? I have, and I have a name for it- dirty sunshine. It kind of reminds me of the time I spent with Alexa. Dirty sunshine is beautiful, and the dust floating around in the light makes it more beautiful. Yet dust is usually something bad- it makes things dirty, it makes people sneeze, it's annoying to clean. The time I spent with Alexa was beautiful. And the knowledge that she was dying made it all the more precious to me. Her death made the time I had with her more precious. It's something that can never be captured again. Yet these things are bad things.
Soon I will have to leave and return to my life. Return to the people who are still alive and who love me, who depend on me. Return to my work, my friends, my Aiko. Aiko knows that I am here. She knows that she is not the only woman I have ever loved. She accepts it. And she accepts that there will always be a place for that other woman in my heart for as long as I live. Before I left she told me something very similar to what McLeod had told me. It was a poem by Samuel Butler and it reminded me that as long as I remember Alexa, she will continue to live on through me:
"I fall asleep in the full and certain hope That my slumber shall not be broken; And that though I be all-forgetting, Yet shall I not be all-forgotten, But continue that life in the thoughts and deeds Of those I loved".
It's time to go. I say "I love you" and put down the rose that I had brought with me in the pile of withered rose already there... one for every year since she had died. Then I turned to walk away. I will be back next year. I always am. I want to remember Alexa for as long as I am alive, and I want her to know that I remember her.
The End