Disclaimer: As much as I wish I owned Gundam Wing (especially that sexy bishonen Heero Yuy), I don't

Disclaimer: As much as I wish I owned Gundam Wing (especially that sexy bishonen Heero Yuy), I don't. I don't own Incubus or any of their music, and I certainly don't own any gangs of drunken mimes. In fact, all I do own is approximately $.34 and three chocolate raspberry coffee beans, so if U wanna sue it, screw it!

 

This is my first fanfic, and it's supposed 2b kinda funny, but I guess that's what happens when U mix Incubus with caffeine. There's some major OOC, but that's cuz they're all drunk. Plz R&R...I'd like that. ^_^ It's rated PG cuz it's something I wouldn't even think of showing my parents (they're extra conservative) or any other adult who'd scold me 4 writing this. There's also violence and a bit of brief nudity.

"Consequence"
(a songfic based on the song by Incubus of the same title)
by Mercedes Yuy-Masaski

Treize Khushrenada paced back and forth in his room, trying to formulate a plan to defeat the Gundams. "I must have them out of the way before my Mariemaia takes the throne," he said to himself. He took a sip of wine, and then the perfect plan came to him. He rushed to the pantry to find his best bottle of vodka. "A little of this stuff in their drinks, and they'll never know what hit 'em."

 

Blink, and you miss a beat...

The Gundam pilots and their female friends were busy partying at the Winner mansion. Trowa and Catherine were outside performing a few of their acrobatic stunts, as the others watched in amazement. Everyone except for Dorothy, that is. She was in the kitchen preparing drinks and following Uncle Treize's orders. "This stuff should kick in just in time for tomorrow's battle." She brought the drinks out on two separate trays, one of them being non-alcoholic (for the girls...she wasn't trying to get any of them drunk). Unfortunately, for Treize, Oz, the Romafeller Foundation, and all those other bad guys, Quatre grabbed his drink off the non-alcoholic tray, not knowing the difference. Hilde grabbed the drink that was meant for Quatre, and she ended up with a terrible hangover for the rest of the week. :-(

Keep one of your eyes open at all times...

This was very hard for the pilots the next day...all except Quatre. He was wide awake and ready to do what had to be done, and most importantly, he was sober. Nobody else wanted to fight, but eventually, they all got in their mobile suits and headed out to space.

 

Think that you're on the brink...

 

They were greeted by Treize in the Tallgeese and 50 space Leo mobile dolls. But, even in their drunkenness, the Gundams were still able to destroy the Leos (cuz that's how much Leos suck). Duo said, "Well, that was *hic* easy." "Injusticism!" cried Wufei. "Why should we wight such feak emenies?"

 

The **** hasn't even begun to hit the fan.

"That's only the beginning," Treize chuckled and said. He then sent out 20 Taurus dolls. Heero became somewhat delusional. "Don't attack! Relena's in there!" "Oka banna!" Wufei shouted, extending Altron's dragon claw, but missing the Tauruses by a mile. Quatre thought, I can't control them when they're drunk! I should have known not to go into battle with a bunch of drunk pilots! It's all my fault. I should have known that fake-eyebrowed freak was up to something when she offered to make our drinks last night. His eyes began welling with tears.

 

Consequence, you'll see, will be
Stranger than a gang of drunken mimes

.

Duo tried calling Heero, but he pushed the wrong button and called Trowa instead. "Hey *hic* Trowa, since when were *hic* you piloting Zing Wero?" His vision blurred, and he began seeing multiples of everything, including Trowa, still in his clown suit. "Whoa...I didn't know you had quintuplets." Trowa said nothing (surprisingly). He just kept shooting at the mobile dolls, but since his vision was also blurred, most of his attacks missed. Heavyarms soon ran out of bullets. Quatre saw this and said, "Shoot...." "I'm trying to, but nothing's coming out," Trowa responded. Quatre smacked his forehead and rolled his eyes. Why me?

Situation has a stink...

 

Quatre tried to fight off the Tauruses, but Sandrock couldn't do it alone. He needed help from the other Gundams, but the pilots were so drunk, that their Gundams were fighting nothing but thin space. Suddenly, Quatre smelled something...utterly disgusting. "What's that smell? It's worse than rotten tea and Duo's gym socks on a hot day!" he cried, holding his nose. "Kwa-tray," Duo said, pronouncing Quatre's name like how it's spelled. "Dude, I'm drunk, and even I know you can't smell anything in outer space." The smell was getting stronger, and it seemed to be coming from the direction of Wing Zero. Quatre tried calling Heero, but when he made contact, he saw Wing Zero's cockpit flooded with some pink and green substance. Heero had thrown up and fainted, and now he lay face down on the controls moaning, "Relena...." "Oh, great...Heero's the stench of outer space," Quatre complained.

Better clear the air before your son becomes a man.

Or at least before Treize's spoiled brat daugher takes over the universe. Quatre decided to bear the horrible stench and finally finished off every last Taurus mobile doll with his trusty Sandrock. He wiped his brow and said, "Phew, I'm glad that's over! No thanks to those other pilots, though. I'm surprised their Gundams haven't been destroyed yet. Maybe those mobile suits are as drunk as their pilots."

Blink, everything's been augmented,
You've been left so far behind

Before Quatre regained composure, Treize sent out hundreds of Virgo dolls. "Now, we'll see who the real 'Winner' is," he said with his usual cocky swagger. Quatre saw the army of Virgos and screamed, "AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" "Dude man, keep it down, my head hurts," said Trowa. Wufei spoke up, "Yeah, it's bad enough Rafiki won't let me sleep." "Sleep?! You're surrounded by a fleet of Virgos, and you want to SLEEP?!?!?!"

Think, for sure, next time you should
Wear a pair of eyes in the back of your head

The other Gundams were all of a sudden bombarded from behind. "Hey, that's not very nice!" Duo said. He turned his Deathscythe Hell around and began swinging the huge beam scythe blindly. Trowa and Wufei did the same thing and attacked with Heavyarms (what little ammo was left in it) and Altron. Most of the attacks hit the dolls because there were so many of them, but it was no use because they had put up their magnetic shields. One of the Virgos had knocked the beam scythe out of Deathscythe Hell's hand, and it floated out into space. And Altron's dragon claw extensions became entagled, rendering the Gundam useless. All the while, Wing Zero floated idly. It wasn't being attacked because Treize did not like fighting anything that would not fight back. Wufei noticed this and said, "At least that guy has some ingreticity." Quatre noticed too and said, "We could use that buster rifle right about now." He thought over the events that led up to where he was now. "Stupid Dorothy. Why did she have to get everyone drunk?" Then he yelled out, just in case Dorothy was around to hear him, "Dorothy Catalonia! When this battle's over, whether we win or lose, I, Quatre Raberba Winner, am personally plucking your eyebrows!"

Consequence, you've seen, has been
Stranger than sci-fi of any kind.

Dorothy, in fact, heard Quatre's threat. She put her hands on her forehead and tried not to think of what would happen after the battle. "Sweet little Quatre wouldn't do such a terrible thing to a fellow human being, would he?" The truth (which Dorothy did not like facing) was that her eyebrows looked like something out of a horror movie, and they were in serious need of an extensive reduction.

Situation baffles me...

"I have approximately 350 Virgo dolls out there, and not one Gundam is destroyed yet." Treize was confused. How could the pilots be holding out that long? "And moreover, why isn't the Winner boy intoxicated like the others are?" Treize couldn't figure this out. All he knew was that if he lost, the colonies would no longer be under Oz and Romafeller's oppression...I mean control.

Guess it's true. You, too, are one of the walking dead.

Zechs Merquise had heard about this unbelieveable battle and wanted to fight for the true independence of the colonies. He took the Gundam Epyon, met up with Quatre's friends, the Maganacs, and left Earth to join the Gundams in combat. Duo saw the unexpected reinforcements heading the Gundams' way. "Hey! It's a party! I wonder if that funny-eyebrow chick's there. I want another one of those drinks!" "Oh, my goodness!" Quatre exclaimed. "It's Zechs Merquise in the Epyon! And the Maganacs are with him!" "My name is not Zechs Merquise, it is Milliardo Peacecraft." "Whatever. You helping us, or what?" "I help no one. I am simply here to fight." "Sounds good enought for me." "Dude!" Trowa said, surprised, "Aren't you supposed to be dead, or something?" "The dead guy's fighting for us...sweet!" Wufei shouted.

You better think fast...

The Virgos continued their assault on the Gundams, and the drunk pilots fought back with what little ability they had. Heavyarms had run out of ammunition, Altron's dragon claws were tied up in knots, Deathscythe Hell had lost its scythe, and Wing Zero had lost its pilot. Even Sandrock was beginning to wear down. Quatre wasn't used to so much action. The Maganacs helped the best they could, but only a few dolls had been completely destroyed. Suddenly, Rashid, the Maganac leader had an idea. "Master Quatre," he called. "Why don't you pilot Wing Zero? We sure could use that buster rifle." "But what about Sandrock?" "I'll take care of Sandrock." "And Heero?" "Put him in my mobile suit, and I'll send him back to Earth." "But..." "Don't worry about a thing, Master Quatre. Abdul and I will handle everything." Quatre put on his spacesuit and left Sandrock to pilot Wing Zero. When he got inside, he saw Heero dancing around without any pants. Heero saw Quatre and exclaimed, "Hey! I've got a dance partner!" "Heero, put some pants on," said a very annoyed Quatre. "But Relena, it's hot in here," Heero whined. "I'm not Relena, I'm Quatre!" "Oh, well. Wanna dance? We could waltz...endlessly!" Pantless Heero took Quatre by the hand and started dancing. "No, no, NO!! I do not want to dance! Now put your spacesuit [and your pants] on and get out of here!" "But we're not done dancing yet!" "You can do your endless waltz inside Rashid's mobile suit!" Heero pouted and reluctantly put on his spacesuit. "Geez, Kwa-tray, you're no fun."

'Cause you'll never know what's coming around the bend.

Meanwhile, Zechs (or Milliardo...whatever you want to call him) took Epyon over to where Treize and the Tallgeese were. "Ah, Zechs Merquise, I was wondering when you'd come along," said Treize. "No time for small talk, Treize. Let's fight." Both mobile suits pulled out their beam sabres and began dueling. The duel was a close one. Sometimes, it seemed that Zechs and Epyon would win, but other times, it seemed that Treize and Tallgeese would win. Both mobile suits were top-of-the-line, and both pilots had incredible experience. They dueled on and on, forgetting that the real purpose of the entire battle was to get rid of the Gundams.

You better not blink...

The Maganacs continued to fight the Virgos as Quatre got settled in Wing Zero's cockpit. He wiped the vomit off the control panels and hooked himself up to the Gundam's built-in ZERO system. The cute little blond boy suddenly went insane as he let the system take over his mind. "HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" he laughed evilly. "I have absolute power!" He took out the buster rifle, and aimed at the Virgos. The Maganacs and the drunken Gundams moved out of the way (actually, the Gundams staggered). One blast from the buster rifle wiped out half of the remaining mobile dolls (and there were a lot of them remaining). Treize was too occupied with his duel to control the mobile dolls, so this made it easy. Quatre shot again and annihilated the other half of the fleet. Huge explosions were everywhere, and they looked like shooting stars from afar.

For consequence is a bigger word than you think.

Just then, Duo saw his beam scythe floating around. "Lookie what I found, Kwa-tray!" "That's nice, but I've already destroyed all the mobile dolls," Quatre replied. Duo noticed Epyon and Tallgeese still dueling. "No, you haven't. There's still two of them left!" He flew over, swinging the beam scythe all the way. Then, he slashed Epyon and Tallgeese in half. Both suits exploded. Duo said, "There. Now they're all gone!" Deathscythe Hell took out a can of spray paint and wrote a very sloppy "Shinigami rulz" on the remains of Epyon and Tallgeese. The battle was over, and the colonies were saved from the tyrannical rule of Mariemaia Khushrenada. As for the Gundam pilots, they rested and recovered from their hangovers as Quatre victoriously plucked Dorothy's eyebrows.

It's bigger than you or me.