A/N Hehehe…got this
idea…um…actually, I forget. Oh
well. The Descriptive Bit a while down
is me in full Amadaun regalia…drawn by my friend Emmy, who sort of shares this
account…I'll beg her to scan the pic so I can put it on as my profile pic…The
questions were, as a whole, submitted to me by fellow METMA members (join
METMA!!! Read METMA fics!!! Go visit the profile of METMA Mandy!!!), and
I send many thanks to them for that.
The others are me, Emily (the Demon In Boxers), and my friend Ed,
who…um…well, this is his quote about himself: "And I die and not succeed, then
this shall be my last and final fantasy."
I have no idea where he got it.
If that doesn't give you a sufficient idea of his character, then take
it on confidence that he's extremely weird.
Extremely. Btw, no
offense to Thepoenix89604, but you had a whole bunch of questions! So don't take the thing a bit further on
personally. Since I got a whole bunch
of questions, and I don't want this to be a tediously long fic (it probably
will be anyways), I couldn't use all of everyone's questions. And I smudged them a little for the sake of
convenience. And with that, the fic
commences…
Late at night, a monitor glows. One floor above, the family sleeps,
oblivious to the workings of near-Satanic evil down below. A girl's sleep-deprived face grins
sadistically as soft key-tapping sounds fill the night air. This one, yes, this one was going to be
worth the missed dreams, the drowsiness as she slogged up and down the stairs
of the school come the morrow. The
girl's grin widens. She types a line as
an addition to the few paragraphs already on the screen, and watches happily as
her alter ego and the people mentioned in the story are sucked into another
world, a world of her creation…
"…Harry, Hermione, and Ron strolled
down to the Great Hall for lunch after History of Magic. They were still chuckling over what Harry'd
written on a spare bit of parchment after wondering idly about it in the bog of
Binns' dry, scratchy voice: 'D'you think that the meat of human beings is white
or red?'
They argued about
it all the way downstairs. Hermione
thought red, but Ron was sure that it was white. Suddenly, Voldemort attacked the castle…"
Harry, Hermione, Ron, and the rest
of the characters in the HP world were sucked down the gaping plot hole. Confused, they looked about the place they'd
ended up. It was a stage, facing a
crowd larger than that at the Quidditch World Cup two years ago. A long, long table was placed behind
them, with plaques showing each character's name lying at intervals. There were microphones and chairs behind the
plaques. All of the characters turned
as they heard footsteps behind them: a girl was coming into view. (A/N Okay, this is the only bit of really
descriptive writing I'm going to do in here, just because I know it gets
annoying, but I like writing it…). She
was fairly tall, with brown hair to the small of her back pulled into a
ponytail. She was wearing brown leather
boots that went up to just below the knee, cream-colored leggings, and a
forest-green tunic. This was,
unmistakably, the person who'd brought them here.
"Hello, there, folks. Welcome to the Official Harry Potter Press
Conference 2001, authorized by J.K. Rowling herself," the girl said
brightly. Harry didn't trust her; there
was something evil in her smile that he didn't like…
Tualha (all quotes will be in this
form from here on): If you'd all take your seats, we can begin with the
questioning…oh, by the way, my name's Tualha.
I'm the alternate form of she that caused your rather abrupt appearance
in our presence. The people out there
(::motions to the audience::) are either fanfic writers, HP fanatics, in the
Friends of The Author Club, or a combination of the three. All of the questions you'll be asked are
from them or, of course, from me. Well,
if you're ready, we'll let the questioning begin…
And, without waiting for a response,
Tualha pushed all of the HP Characters (HPC) into their chairs, and called on
what seemed to be a random girl from the audience.
Heather Lawson (apparently):
Hi! I have a couple of questions…
Tualha: Go right ahead, Heather.
Heather: Okay, to…um…the Dark Lord:
Do you realize that Death Eaters sounds like the name for a heavy metal band?
Voldemort: Um…er…only
because…um…::gives up and does the Crucio Curse on Heather, only to find that
it doesn't work::
Tualha: I'm sorry, but all magic has
been disabled while you're here.
Voldemort: Aaaah! You mean to say
that I'm no better than my father?
Aaaah! ::has a nervous breakdown::
Heather (looking unnerved):
Um…yeah…anyway…to Colin: Are you willing to sell any of your photos of Harry
Potter?
Colin: Um…maybe…maybe some
prints…::starts thinking of all the money he could make if he took the right
pictures…::
Heather: Right…and, finally, to
Hermione: What's your favorite part of Hogwarts: A History?
Hermione: The part where they
describe Godric Gryffindor…::swoons::
` Tualha: Thank you, Heather! And, now, let's hear from…Oh, one of the
rare boys in our crowd…John R. Butler!
John: Yeah…thanks…I have a question
for Ron.
Ron: You…you do? ::looks astonished because of his huge
inferiority complex::
John: Mmhmm…Ron, did you have any
premonitions about Scabbers?
Ron: Noooooooooooo!!!! ::breaks down into anguished sobs:: Scabbers!
My rat!!!
Tualha (looking a bit unnerved herself):
Okay…thank you, John! Now, we have a
few questions from…Anastasia! I knew a
girl named Anastasia once…she was mousy…::starts rambling::
Demon In Boxers: It's okay, Ari,
it's okay…just take your sugar pill, now…
Tualha: Huh? Oh…right…at any rate, we have Anastasia with
a question for Prof. Snape.
Anastasia: Yes…Prof. Snape, do you
wear boxers or briefs?
Snape (going brick red): I have no
idea what you're talking about.
Everyone: BAD IMAGE!!!
Tualha (shaking her head to clear
it): Whoa…didn't need that…let's have some more questions, shall we? From Thepoenix89604, who seems to have a lot
to say…
Thepoenix89604 (grinning): Yes, I
do! First, to Sirius…
(A/N The Sirius I'm using as Cannon
is that of A Sirius Affair, by Penny&Carol, because we don't know much from
the books. However, I've made a few
changes…from now on, I'll state if I use a fic or a combo of them as Cannon)
Thepoenix89604: Sirius, do you like
human females or dog females better?
Sirius: …Human. Um…I…erm…never thought of a girl dog like
that…really!
Thepoenix89604: Suuuure…have you
ever eaten a small rabbit?
Sirius: One time, the year I broke
out of Azkaban, yeah…it had this little plastic thing 'round its neck…let's
see…what did that say…ah! Yes! It said Binky.
Lavender: Well, *that* explains a
lot…::sulks::
Thepoenix89604 (looks awkward):
Um…yeah…okay…do you eat dog food?
Sirius: Hell, it's food. Sure, why not?
Tualha: Yeah, alrighty then. Now, Thepoenix89604 has some questions for
Mr. Filch.
Thepoenix89604: Yep! What's with the cat's name?
Filch: Um…it…she…::breaks down in
tears:: Mrs. Norris was my only love
when I was but a lad! But alas! She was wed to the fear Mr. Norris, bane of
my existence. The goddess never even
blessed me with a look. ::goes into
hysterics and is unable to be questioned further::
Thepoenix89604: I have more
questions.
Tualha: I'm sorry, but we have to
move on.
Thepoenix89604: But I have more
questions!
Tualha (signals to a pair of men built
along the lines of Hrun the Barbarian, or, if you haven't read The Color of
Magic, that big hero guy that Russell Crowe kills in Gladiator. Not Commodus. His name was Tiger. Or
something.): Um…next with questions is Sheila Dodd. Sheila?
Sheila (as big men take away
Thepoenix89604): Thanks! Um…okay,
Harry, I have a question.
Harry: ::looks vaguely afraid::
Sheila: What do you like in a girl?
Harry: Um…um…being a girl? I don't know! Aaaah! ::spontaneously
combusts::
Sheila: Eep! Prof McGonagall, do you have a crush on Prof
Dumbledore?
McGonagall: Yes! Yes, I do!
::runs over to Dumbledore:: Albus, I love you!
Dumbledore: I love you, too,
Minerva! You're like the daughter I
never had!
McGonagall: Oh. ::looks deflated:: Okay. ::sobs::
Everyone: ::looks away politely::
Sheila: Draco, have you ever worn
leather pants?
(The cannon Draco I'm using for this
is a sort of bi Draco-in-Snitch! (by Al) combined with a little of the
seriousness of Draco in Draco Dormiens and Sinister, and if you don't know the
author of those, then you have issues.
If you need a little example, read the Christmas Wish story by
Rhysenn. ::is plugging like crazy:: I
*love* mixing cannons!)
Draco (with a raised eyebrow): Do
you want me to?
Sheila (blushing): Snapewhatbrandofshampoodoyouuse? (A/N No, that's not an error, she's
mumbling)
Snape: Shampoo? What's that?
Everyone: WE SO DID NOT NEED
TO KNOW THAT!!!!!
Tualha: God! Anyway, thank you, Sheila, and we now have
questions from…Lucky, Angel, Dena, Maritsa, and Maria, in that order.
Lucky: Remus, would you date a
fan? And, if so, can we meet in the
Three Broomsticks this Friday at 8?
Remus: Um...okay…::is sad because
there are no fics that really pair him up with someone lasting besides
McGongall, who's in love with Dumbledore.
Lucky: ::jumps for joy::
Angel: Snape, marry me! Or at least tell me why you hate Harry so!
Snape: ::glares at Everyone, who is
getting ready for another comment in all caps:: Okay, since I can't seem to get
a woman besides Hermione or Ginny or ::shudders:: McGonagall in any good fic to
speak of that's not slash, I'll marry you.
And I hate Harry because I was in love with his dad ::swoons, thinking
of James::, but then the intolerable git went and fell in love with that Lily
bitch. ::scowls::
Harry: ::cowers:: Eeeewwww!!!! ::straightens:: Hey, don't call my mom a
bitch! Tualha!
Tualha: The court rules in favor of
one Harry Potter. Snape, 15 minutes of
time-out.
Snape: What the hell?
Tualha: Over there. ::motions to a pen around which Carol
Channing and Donny Osmond::
Snape: Nooooo!
BMFG (big men from Gladiator):
::drag Snape away to the Time-Out Place::
Tualha: Continuing…
Dena: Hermione, what kind of music
do you listen to?
Hermione (promptly): REM. They're an American Muggle band. They're really, really good!
Maritsa: Prof McGonagall, can you
teach 8th Grade at out school?
The teachers here suck!
McGonagall: Oh, why not. ::glances at Dumbledore:: There's nothing
left for me here.
Maria: Fred&George, what's your
favorite thing to do besides playing pranks.
Fred&George: Um…sleeping.
Tualha: Thank you…::consults
card::…"Lucky and her Insane Friends".
Now we hear from Freethehouseelves.
Freethehouseelves: Harry, what's your
real relationship with Ron?
Harry: Um…it's totally
platonic. ::goes red:: I'm
straight! I am!
Freethehouseelves: Hermione, how do
you feel about Viktor being like a duck?
Hermione: Um…::shoots a furtive
glance at Harry:: Viktor? Who's Viktor?
Viktor:: What?!?! ::storms out::
Tualha: ::is gloating as Hermione
looks at Harry again and Harry shoots her a smile back:: Yay!
Anyways, Jessica McClellan has a couple of questions for Draco…
Jessica: Draco, is it true that
you're going to become a Death Eater like your father?
Draco: ::rubs his lower left arm and
looks uncomfortable:: Um…er…uh…erm…em…eh…::eyes flick to Voldemort, a few seats
down the table:: Yes, yes I am…::mouths "Nooo!"::
Jessica: Are you single?
Draco (more comfortable now): Aren't
I always?
Every female in the vicinity:
::swoons::
Tualha: Sigh…so, moving right along,
PlotTwist13 has a question for Lord Voldemort…
PlotTwist13: Would you marry a fan?
Voldemort: Marry, no. But I could always use an unmarried female
servant in my inner circle…
PlotTwist13: Okay!
Tualha: ::is laughing as she reads
the next card:: Btw, I have all the questions beforehand…the next one is from
ChaosRhapsody.
ChaosRhapsody: Draco, why are you so
cute and yet such a pain in the ass?
Draco: I'm God.
Starling (if you don't know who she
is…well, for those who, for some insane reason, don't, go to http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/i/z/izcovich/
and look at the art): Yes, you are.
Tualha: Next, Juliette Faust has
some questions…I've limited it to three questions per person, so that's the
number she'll get.
Juliette: Angelina, are you and Fred
official?
Angelina: Hi! Yeah, we are. Read Trouble in Paradise, you'll get what I mean.
Julitte: Ron, describe in two words
how Hermione looked at the Yule Ball.
And you, too, Harry.
Ron: Too happy.
Harry: Really cute.
(Ron scowls at Harry while Hermione
smiles at him).
Tualha: Okay, winding down, we only
have a few people left. ::the hp
characters look very tired:: Okay, you
know what? I know that there are more
questions, but everyone's tired…
The girl yawns and presses a
finger onto the backspace key. The last
sentence that she typed has been obliterated.
The plot hole disappears.
Instead, she continues in a more…realistic fashion…
"…Harry, Hermione, and Ron
strolled down to the Great Hall for lunch after History of Magic. They were still chuckling over what Harry'd
written on a spare bit of parchment after wondering idly about it in the bog of
Binns' dry, scratchy voice: 'D'you think that the meat of human beings is white
or red?'
They argued about
it all the way downstairs. Hermione
thought red, but Ron was sure that it was white. Without warning, Harry's eyes narrowed. Ron was walking backwards, so he didn't see the cause of Hermione's
grabbing of his robes. In a moment,
however, he heard it…Harry, faced with an intolerable amount of smugness in one
sneer, couldn't' stop an exasperated sigh.
'What
do you want, Malfoy?'"
A/N To be continued if reviews deem
it possible. I really don't care; I
might do a chapter two if people want me to.
Vote in reviews, and, if you wish, add a question (and the character it's
too). Thanks. This didn't drag on too much, did it?
