Author's Note: Inspired after watching 'Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2010' (which featured Noel Fielding and Richard Ayoade) when someone on twitter named 'the real anne boleyn' started abusing Alan Carr saying he needed to get a life, to which he replied "At least I'm not pretending to be a dead Tudor" :D There's so much fun to be had with Boosh and The Tudors, they're both awesome.
It was a brilliant day. The sun was shinning down brightly, the sky was a delightful azure blue and there was not a cloud in sight to ruin the landscape. But if you would have happened to look up at the sky, you would have had a bit of a shock as you might have witnessed the strange sight of an old burgundy, moth eaten carpet flying through the air with four men sitting on it and casually talking away as though flying was no big matter to them. Well, three men and an ape actually. Or two men, a shaman and an ape to be exact. But the serene and mystical sight did not last long as all of a sudden smoke began to emerge from the tail end of the carpet and after a few small explosions the carpet came crashing down to the ground.
"Naboo mate, your navigational skills are rubbish!" Vince Noir 'super star' complained as he picked himself of the grassy knoll that they had crashed into in and brushed all the stray bits of grass and flowers that had decided to stick themselves to his being. The daisies began to protest when he started to peel them off his clothes as they had taken a liking to the beautiful, bright man-woman and had wanted him for themselves.
"I'd like to see you do better, it's not easy flying this thing you know" Naboo defended himself as he jumped up and landed softly on his feet, straightening his turban as he did.
"You should know" the majestic figure of Bollo appeared between the two, nursing his sore head which he had banged when they made contact with the ground, "You failed your flying test three times didn't you?" he asked but was immediately silenced by a particularly frosty look from Naboo.
"Shut it!" Naboo snapped and Bollo looked down guiltily at the ground for a moment before he turned his attention to Vince and began to help him brush down his outfit. He was too cool to be covered in all this floral debris and he hated to see his lovely clothes ruined. He had always admired Vince and his stylish ensembles.
"Hello! Little help?" another voice, this one significantly more deeper than those of the daisies, called out.
Vince looked around to try and locate the voice but it was only when, by pure chance, he had looked upwards at a great oak tree, that he found the owner. He couldn't help but laugh a little as he saw his best friend, Howard Moon, wedged between two branches and clinging on to one of them tightly. He had been calling out to them for the past two minutes but it seemed they hadn't heard him. Either that or they had purposely chosen to ignore him. He personally thought it was more likely to be the latter.
"What are you doing up there?" Vince shouted up to him, still giggling at the sight of him. He looked bad on the best of days but he looked worse now, if that was even possible. His hair was all wind swept and standing on edge with twigs and leaves and even part of a bird's nest lodged in it.
"Waiting for a street car" was Howard's composed yet equally sarcastic reply. But when he saw that Vince was laughing at him and realised that a frisky little bird was edging it's way ever closer to him, he lost his cool and began to have a temper tantrum. "Will you get me down from here please!" he yelled impatiently at the incompetent fool gawping at him below.
"Alright, alright, keep your hair on" was Vince's reply. Honestly, there's no need to shout, he thought to himself, He always did get worked up over nothing. "Bollo?" he asked the ape and without saying a word Bollo went over to the tree and gave it a mighty whack before shaking it violently until half of it's contents were sprawled out on the floor before them, Howard included. He landed in an awkward position with a mighty thud but some how managed to drag himself up on to his feet, though he was wobbly and swaying slightly on the spot.
"Thanks" he grumbled inappreciatevely beneath his breath. "Oi Naboo, I told you that you should have turned left at the Middle Ages" he informed the little shaman in a 'I-told-you-so' manner as Naboo joined the others beneath the tree.
"Yeah well it's done now, isn't it" Naboo snapped. He was beginning to get sick of everyone blaming him all the time. He didn't have to help these lot, he did it out of the goodness of his heart and they were never grateful for it. It was all take, take, take. He had just about had enough of it.
"Some shaman you are, we would have done better if replaced you with a sat nav, at least we could turn the annoying voice off" Howard chuckled a little at his joke, but he was the only one. Vince and Bollo looked embarrassed for him and Naboo glared at him.
"You've gone too far this time" Naboo informed him. He wasn't about to let these petty mortal humans insult him. "I'm gonna have to turn my back on you" he calmly told him and Bollo stepped to the side to let his master do what he did best. Out of no where, music began to play as Naboo spun 180 degrees on the spot and had his back facing them. Howard merely rolled his eyes and knew that it would only be a matter of time before he turned back around. Vince, in the meanwhile, was desperately searching about to find where that music was coming from.
"Come on Naboo, you know you'll end up forgiving us again" Howard announced after a minute of silence had passed and Naboo still had his back turned on them.
Even Vince was beginning to get a little anxious now and Bollo kept looking from Naboo, to Howard, to Vince to Vince's hair in anticipation. But Naboo remained silent, and after another minute of pure silence he began to walk away from the two, summoning his familiar to his side as they walked off into the distance leaving the two mortals stranded in the middle of no where.
"Oh great, you've done it now. Naboo!" Vince exclaimed, attempting to run after him and apologise for his friend's harsh words, but Howard grabbed hold of his arm and pulled him back.
"Leave him Vince, it's just the two of us now" he told him and began to look off thoughtfully into the distance. He only stopped when he felt Vince looking over his shoulder to try and see what he was staring at.
"So where are we?" Vince inquired with his hand on his hips, toeing the ground with his shimmering silver boots and looking around at their surroundings.
"Judging by the attire I'd hazard a guess at Tudor England" he noted as a group of women walked by in front of them and were sporting elaborate gowns and French hoods.
"Tudor England? Brilliant! I told you that ruff would come in use soon" Vince smiled and as if by magic he had conjured a ruff out of thin air and placed it around his neck, modelling it in various poses as though he was being photographed for Cheekbone magazine. That was his favourite piece of literature. In fact it was probably the only thing he ever read all the way through. He loved looking at the glossy pictures and often imagined himself in the model's place.
"You're about fifty years too early" Howard informed him, noting that ruffs were Elizabethan whilst French hoods were Henrician.
"Yeah well I can be a trend setter" Vince seemed undeterred and smiled happily as he flipped his dark hair back to show off his ruff once more.
"What, with a giant ruff and a snake skin catsuit? I'd be surprised if they didn't burn you for being one of the Devil's whores" he stated and was about to return their conversation back to being stuck in the middle of Tudor England when Vince popped up in front of him.
"Whore?" he scrunched his face up at him, clearly annoyed at having the words used on him, "I'm not the Devil's whore, he's my whore" he insisted and threw Howard a rather matter-of-fact look. "He's my bitch, is old Lucifer. He coordinates his leash with my outfits and everything" he explained in a manner so convincing that Howard began to to feel slightly uncomfortable as to where this conversation was going.
"Just be careful yeah? One wrong move and we'll end up in the Tower" he warned him but when he turned his head back to address him he discovered that his friend was no longer there. He spun around on the spot, frantically searching for him and eventually found that he had began to march up the hill without him.
"Vince! Wait up" Howard began to chase after his friend and was already breathless by the time he had caught up with him.
"How the hell did you get us past those guards?" Howard asked in disbelief as he eventually caught up with Vince inside the castle gates.
After a couple of miles walking they had observed the outline of a magnificent castle and had decided to go and investigate. Not fancying his chances with the great big, burly guards, Howard had decided to risk it and jumped into the moat to swim across. Vince was not too keen on the idea, not wanting to get his outfit or his hair wet, and decided to approach the guards in a more friendly manner. Howard was still dripping and creating a small puddle on the spot even though he had attempted to wring himself out three times already. He was starting to resent the fact that Vince always managed to get out of their sticky situations relatively unscathed.
"Liquorice bootlaces. Always works" Vince informed him, taking a white paper bag out of his pockets and helping himself to a bit of the black liquorice himself, sucking it up into his mouth as though he was eating spaghetti.
"You're unbelievable you know that" Howard sneered in disgust and snatched the paper bag out of his hand, throwing it on to the floor and stamping on it to squash the contents inside. But what Howard didn't know was that Vince already had a hidden stash somewhere else on his person.
"Hey, I get results" was his cool reply and he flashed him his trade mark wide, bright grin.
"And when did you change your outfit?" Howard inquired, observing that Vince was no longer wearing his shimmering metallic snake skin catsuit any more but was now sporting skinny red jeans with a baggy brown and blue poncho finished off with classic 60s go go boots.
"When you were in the moat. I've been training with Bollo. I've got it to twenty seconds but he reckons I can get it down to under fifteen if we keep at it" he told him, clearly impressed with his own talent although Howard certainly wasn't. He merely pushed him in the middle of his back in an attempt to make him move forward and they kept going until they came to a large, arch shaped door that had two guards standing outside of it and a squire in the middle.
After Vince had had a word with the squire, whispering something in his ear that made Howard a little curious, the squire became very important looking all of a sudden and threw the doors wide open, instructing them to follow in after him. They obeyed and the man led them into the middle of a grand looking room where hundreds of people were standing there, watching their every move.
"Your Majesty" the squire announced, bowing deeply at the waist and then straightening himself up again before unfurling a scroll "His Most Gracious Majesty, Vince King of the Mods" he informed the handsome man who was sat high upon his throne and observing the two fellows before him.
"Really?" Howard whispered just loud enough for Vince to hear him and he raised an eyebrow at him, clearly not impressed that he had given himself a royal title. Vince chose to ignore him, thinking that his friend was just jealous that he had thought of such a brilliant idea. Secretly, he was right, but Howard would never admit it.
King Henry's eyes lit up with curiosity at being told that there was another King in his presence and he sat forward in his chair as he waved his hand for the two to come forward so that he could see them better. He was intrigued by this young King. He thought that his clothes were peculiar but in their own strange way they were quite nice actually. Perhaps he could take a couple of fashion tips from him. Discreetly of course. He couldn't have his people thinking he was copying from another King, even if he didn't know exactly where this King hailed from.
"Hi" Vince greeted cheerily at the man and gave him an enthusiastic wave. Henry narrowed his eyes at him suspiciously before eyeing Howard.
"And who is this vagrant?" Henry asked and Vince looked at his friend and pulled a face as he took a step away from him, trying to distance himself as best as he could from him.
"Oh he's my man servant, just ignore him" and shook his head as if he was of no importance at all. A gesture that had wounded Howard deeply despite the indifferent stance he tried to maintain. One only had to look into his beady little eyes to see it.
"And pray tell, what have we done to be graced with your presence?" Henry inquired with all his Kingly regalness, extending his neck out so he looked taller and more impressive.
"We just kind of dropped in, check out the local talent you know" Vince informed with a cheeky grin and the King looked down at him confused, as did the dark haired woman beside him who looked at the strange man with a mixture of intrigue and disgust. She couldn't even tell if he was a man or woman truth be told, and the thought startled her a little as she thought 'it' was quite handsome, whatever it was. She leant forward like her husband did to get a better look.
"I beg your pardon?" the King demanded and Howard could hear the thunder in his voice. He decided to step in.
"What he means, your Grace, is that he would like to discuss with you an alliance between this great country of yours and our great...Mod...donia" he thought up on the spot. It had a certain ring to it.
"Modonia?" the courtiers muttered under their breath, curious to know if their neighbours had ever heard of this peculiar country.
"But of course" Henry smiled, pretending that he knew exactly where Modonia was. "I only wished you would have informed us of your intentions so we might have prepared for your coming" was his gracious reply.
"Ah it's alright, we're very adaptive" Vince insisted and he took a look at the woman who was sat next to the King and started to give her the eye. She seemed delighted that he had finally taken notice of her and smirked seductively back at him. Luckily for the two of them, it seemed that their flirting had gone unnoticed by the King who simply announced,
"You shall come to the great feast this evening and we can talk more privately"
"You are too magnanimous, your Majesty" Howard thanked, taking the hint that the King was finished with them. He fell into a polite bow and motioned for Vince to do the same but instead Vince still stood tall, looking around the place and seemingly not bothered by what the King or Howard were saying. He was more interested in looking at the pretty ladies all around him and they were just as interested in him.
"Vince!" Howard whispered loudly and nudged him in the ribs to grab his attention.
"What? Oh, Majesty" he suddenly realised and copied Howard in a bow that was rather clumsy and exaggerated in comparison. Then the two walked out backwards until they were back in the corridor they had originally been standing in and the doors swung shut on them.
"Let's go looking for some fit Tudor birds" Vince's already bulbous eyes now looked like mini golf balls as he made to walk off down the corridor but Howard grabbed hold of his arm and pulled him back, noting that his arm felt remarkably like a pencil.
"No!" he announced in his most authoritative voice, "We need to figure out how to get out of here before they catch on to us and..." suddenly Howard became spellbound as a pretty young lady dressed in yellow walked past him and caught his full attention. She was petite and pale with silky, golden hair that was pinned up behind a French hood that bore the Queen's emblem on it. She observed him with her big blue eyes as she walked past and gave him a coy smile before casting her eyes downwards in a modest fashion as she carried on down the corridor and disappeared around the corner.
She had been gone for almost ten seconds now but Howard was still glued to the spot, looking after her into the distance with his mouth wide open. Vince felt like putting a turantula in there to liven him up but knowing the trouble he'd get in to decided it would probably be better just to push him.
"Not in a rush now then, are we?" he smirked knowingly as Howard came back to his senses.
"I...I...I..." Howard began to stutter and he could feel his cheeks begin to burn beneath him as they began to turn bright red. He hadn't felt this way about a woman since Mrs Gideon.
"She's way out of your league, mate" Vince bluntly observed, putting a comforting hand on Howard's shoulder. To be honest, nearly every woman alive was out of Howard's league. What with his awkwardly tall frame, crab eyes, scruffy hair and bovril moustache. He was far from alluring. But the blonde lady was a lot prettier than the other women he went after and he thought it would be better to tell him straight rather than let him have his heart broken by her.
"As opposed to you" Howard inquired slightly arrogantly. Although he was painfully aware of his inferior looks he tried to conceal them with an air of confidence that ended up make him appear like a dick.
"I don't think she's my type really" was Vince's honest reply. "I told you, I like thick girls who like bright colours and soft fabrics" he smiled dreamily as he looked down at his brightly coloured outfit and felt all the happier for seeing it.
"More's the pity" Howard sighed but then perked up suddenly, "Actually I think you might be in luck. I'm sure Kitty Howard's around here somewhere" he remembered reading about Henry's fifth wife, the ditzy, clothes obsessed air head that was Catherine Howard. She seemed to be the female Tudor equivalent of Vince.
"Kitty Howard? Are you related?" he asked with the utmost seriousness.
"No" Howard sighed, regretting ever bringing the subject up.
"Kitty?" he repeated aloud and Howard could tell that his mind was starting to strain under the weight as he became deep in thought, "Is she really a cat?" he finally asked, trying to figure out if Howard was just kidding or not. He merely looked down at him in disgust.
"Yes, Vince, she's a real cat" was Howard's cold reply but it seemed Vince hadn't noted the sarcasm in his voice.
"Cool, thanks for the head's up. See you later" he waved and disappeared out of sight. Howard was glad for it, or else he would have ended up hitting him around the head and then he would have had to spend the rest of their adventure looking over his shoulder in case Bollo appeared out of no where and punched him in the face for upsetting his little Vince