Title: No Matter What You Say

Rating: PG

Category: ANGST! And a bit of romance, but mostly angst

Disclaimer: See sage. See sage profess to own Slayers. See sage get slapped with a lawsuit. See sage reiterate the she does NOT own Slayers.

Author's note: I love Slayers. Love 'em to bits! Though the only couple I support is Lina/Zel. So, you guessed it, this is a Lina/Zel fic. If you're opposed to that pairing, then I'll bet there are a ton of other fics out there that DO have our favorite pairing. Fair warning…



No Matter What You Say



The low fire crackled loudly, sending up tiny sparks as another log was thrown onto the dying flames.

Zelgadis bore his eyes deep into the heart of the blood red flames, enthralled in the glowing dance performed before him. The fiery tongues reached higher and higher before him, until eventually pulled back to earth as they ate away at the crumbling log. Reaching for a long stick, Zelgadis turned the top log, evincing another shower of sparks.

A twig snapped behind him, and he whipped his head around, his hand already resting at the ready on the hilt of his sword which lay on the ground at his side. After a moment, his eyes adjusted to the darkness behind him, and he was able to make out a figure.

"Lina?" He cast a quick glance upwards at the waning moon above them, still hanging high above the horizon. "It's not your watch yet."

"I know," she stated softly, advancing towards the fire's edge. She sat down on a patch of bare ground near Zelgadis, maintaining eye contact. This fact was not lost on the chimera.

"Was there something you needed from me, Lina?" he ventured. She nodded slowly, an aura of delicacy clinging to her figure.

"To talk, Zel. With you."

"Well," he broke the eye contact to glance around the camp. "I'd say the dead of night's as good a time as any." He motioned for her to begin.

Lina took a deep breath and began as she'd rehearsed. "I have held inside my heart, for some time, a question. A desire for hard knowledge of a certain thing—knowledge that can't be contested. When I say 'for some time,' I can't give you an exact time span or anything like that, just that I've had plenty of time to think about it, to brood over it.

"I believe it's taken too much time. I'm tired, and I don't feel like questioning anymore. I want to know. So now, rather than continuing with this fool's errand of determining the answer for myself, I'm putting it to you, Zelgadis."

A lump began to form in her throat. This was the point of no return. 'Here goes.'

"I… love you, Zel. You. Not Gourry, not Xellos. Dear gods, not Xellos. You alone. I've been thinking about these feelings for the longest time, and I know that it's more than a crush or friendship. Nothing you can say can change how I feel, only how you feel. I just want one thing from you tonight: an answer. A free and self-supplied answer. I just want to know, are your deepest feelings the same? Do you love… me?"

After Lina said the word "love," the rest of the conversation became meaningless. Her confessions were background-music for his own thoughts.

Lina? Love? Him? But… how? Oh, Zelgadis knew Lina was different and had her own ways of accomplishing things. Forthright and frank, when she had something to say, she'd normally come right out and say it.

But looking at her sitting across from him, one side engulfed in orange firelight while the other sat in perpetual darkness, she seemed… different. Vulnerable. This being was a far cry from the great and powerful sorceress whom he had helped defeat dark lords and beings bent on world destruction. Whom he had accompanied on so many subsequent adventures.

Whom…

Zelgadis was wrenched from his thoughts when Lina's voice stopped.

"Do you love me?" Well, that was more like the old Lina, nice and direct. Her question punctuated the end of her testimony. Zelgadis regarded her for a moment. Her eyes were wide and cloudy as she waited for the shaman's reply.

"Oh, Lina," he began softly, and reached out to take her hand. "You always were the straight-forward type. You never let anyone push you around, or change your thinking in any way contrary to your own beliefs." Lina smiled and turned her gaze to the ground. Zelgadis continued.

"You took care of those you loved, and, sometimes, even those you didn't. Always open, understanding, a fighter to the end. Even when the odds were so overwhelmingly against us. You pulled through." He reached down and pulled her gaze back up to meet his. "You say you love me, Lina Inverse, and I believe you." A pause. "But you ask me if I love you, and I don't believe myself." He swiftly released Lina's hand and stood up, towering over her. "I can't give you love, Lina, only pain. From the day we met, I've only been able to give you pain. Yet you keep bearing me. How? I can't do it anymore, Lina. You're  the last person on heaven and earth I would want to hurt, but look!" He gestured to his body. "I can do nothing but hurt you! I—" He stopped speaking as Lina rose and gently placed a single trembling finger on his lips, silencing him. She was still smiling.

"It's all right, Zel," she whispered, then turned and walked back into the night to the tent she shared with Amelia.

Zelgadis sighed loudly and sat back on the log by the fire, dreading what the morning would bring: the awkwardness of facing Lina. He was contemplating abandoning the camp before the sun rose when the wind carried barely whispered words to his sharp ears.

"Darkness beyond twilight…"

He turned to the girls' tent behind him. "Lina?" There was no answer.

"Crimson beyond blood that flows…"

"Lina!" He jumped up and scrambled towards the tent; but before he was halfway there, he spotted her small figure in the meadow just down the slope from where they were encamped. He swiftly mounted the crest of the bluff and began sprinting down to confront her. Then—


BAM!

Zelgadis landed with a soft thud on the grass. He rubbed his head and reached out to the sorceress, only touching the invisible shield with which she had surrounded herself.

"Buried in the stream of time…"

"NO! Lina! Stop it, now!" Zelgadis continued pounding at her shield spell, using all the chimerical strength he had been cursed with, to no avail. He slid to the ground, panting. "Please…"

The sorceress opened her eyes and looked warmly upon the object of her affections. "Aw, Zel… don't worry. You made your choice, and I made mine. 'S ok."

"God, Lina… Lina, don't do this! You can't do this…" He clawed away at Lina's shield; then, something happened which Lina Inverse did not expect: tears formed in the shaman's eyes—something which had not occurred for as long as he could remember. Zelgadis cried. "I'm sorry Lina… so sorry… please—don't do this!" he choked out.

"Zel… d—don't cry, I don't want you crying over me. It's my choice…my life." She closed her eyes again and went on with the spell. Zelgadis continued to plead with her, pounding his fists against the barrier, praying she would halt the incantation, and knowing in the depths of his soul that she wouldn't. As she neared the end of the fatal chant, he did the last thing he could think of and powered up a Ra Tilt, letting it fly right into the barrier.

It failed.

Lina looked at him one last time from behind the still-present shield, love radiating like flames from her blood red eyes. "Good bye, my Zelgadis…." And with a final burst of energy, she let the words, "Dragon Slave!" ring out over the valley.

The barrier fell almost immediately after Lina finished the spell, and a blast of energy radiated from the center of the explosion. Zelgadis was knocked roughly to the ground, but forced himself up again as he ran into the circle. "Lina…."

He could hear footsteps running up behind him. "Zel? Zel—what happened?" Gourry's voice was full of concern.

"Where's Miss Lina? I woke up as soon as I heard that explosion. She wasn't on her sleeping pallet. Does she need our help? Was there a battle?" The young princess let loose a string of questions, hardly understanding what had just happened. No one spoke for a moment as all three were surveying the circle of charred earth in front of them.

"Gourry…" Zelgadis called suddenly but softly. "Gourry, I need you to unsheathe the Sword of Light."

"Huh?" the swordsman asked blankly, not understanding. "But why? Are there trolls around? Did Lina go to fight them?"

"Please, just… just do it." Gourry gave the shaman a strange look, but had learned to trust him. Holding the bladeless hilt firmly in his hand, Gourry called out the blazing beam, illuminating the meadow—it was even more desolate now. Zelgadis took the sword from its owner and walked to the middle of the circle. Right where Lina had stood moments before. "Stay back," he said in a commanding tone, and Amelia and Gourry didn't dare move.

He stood silent for a moment, examining the blade, which shined brightly in contrast to its dark surroundings. His eyes began to water again, and closed them.

"Please…forgive me, Lina…forgive me…" he managed to choke out. "You couldn't see it, and I couldn't say it, but… I loved you. I do love you." Zelgadis swung the weapon around, its luminous blade inches from his throat. By the time either of the onlookers realized what he meant to do, Zelgadis Greywers was no more.