These are the note that I, Gandalf the grey, took after taking a break from a quest in pursuit of a great beast. I leave them to you, Frodo, so that if I don't return, you know what happened to me. Yes, this adventure is not over. This is merely an interlude, and one that must not last long. I am needed back where I left this creature, where it waits for me with ravenous delight hoping to put an end to the one man who saw it, who felt and heard it, and who lived to tell the tale.

Mightier than a balrog, it is a beast the flame of Arnok can not beat back to the shadow, since it never leaves the shadow: this cretinous monster brings it to you. Few have caught a glimpse of it, and even fewer have heard it, for it does naught but whisper, breathing in your ear, right before it strikes. It moves on a wave of the wind, waiting for the right moment to leap and send shivers up your spine that will make your head spin and your ears split.

My quest began on the shores of Rivendell as I shared a happy embrace with my friend and partner, Elrond. He wore fine, elvish silks that sparkled in the sunlight, and said that it had been far too long. I told him we only had one day together, so enough with the greetings. His silky, brown hair flowed down from the crown of his skull to the nape of his curved back, just above a small patch of curly underbrush that began a trail between two muscular mountains. The only mountains I have seen in all my days that could move, that could dance to a sweet song in the moonlight.

I traveled betwixt these moonlit mountains that night, walking those trails back and forth, back and forth, since I knew in my wise heart that it would be far too long before I next returned to my green elven valley. Elrond and I held each other long into the night, waking up many an elf with our joyous and sorrowful cries. They were loud and pained due to our ferocious endeavours, and yet were peppered with streams of affection, enough to keep eachother sated during my journey.

In the beginning I took his elfish affection in my mouth (my old, puckered lips are still good for love), and sucked it dry, nourishing my heart with every milky, clouded droplet. After I had my fill, I lay my head on his powerful chest, my hair becoming wet from the droplets of sweat that had formed on his glistening body.

"Let me pleasure you, wise wizard. There is much for us to do tonight, and the night surely won't be long enough."

"On Rondy, no night is long enough when I'm with you. If only I had the power to stop the sun from rising, but I fear even that wouldn't put an end to my duties. We must enjoy the time we have together, now, but please, let me rest for a little longer. I don't want to forget your scent, or the feeling of your old heart beat against my wrinkled cheek."

"Oh please, you've felt my heart more than most these last few millennia, fret not. Through that beard of yours I don't think you can feel anything, anyways."

Propping up my bare body with my elbows, getting a good look at Elrond's face, I said teasingly, "I think you feel plenty enough through my beard, and I guarantee I feel quite a bit to. A throbbing little staff you have down there, and such magic as I've never seen!"

Elrond laughed, and the crows feet, that I miss deeply in my heart today, as I write this on the road to Hobbiton, appeared around his striking eyes, and the laugh lines around his mouth blossomed, giving me one more tool to take on my journeys in the future. This one I keep in my heart, and it shines far more brightly than the light of elendil. This light has shown through my own darkness, and lit up my cavernous insides, purging every impurity in my soul with loving rays. Don't forget about that boy Samwise, Frodo, there is much to be said for camaraderie.

I was soon ready for camaraderie, and after a bit of spelunking Elrond filled up my dark caverns once again. He struck deep down within me, deeper than any dwarf could mine, and brought with his strikes nothing but pleasure. I shivered with the rhythm of our dance, moving with him and tensing as he left me, relaxing to let him back in, repeating this back and forth until he was in a fugue of ecstasy and couldn't have stopped if I had wanted him to. I never did. Oh, with all my wizened, foolish little heart, I never did. I pushed my hands back behind my bent over body, grasping for his. Even in his mining, he had the peace of mind to grab my hand, to get some leverage and go deeper, deeper, deeper. Tugging his hand in front of my navel, I placed it on my wooden staff and whispered to him, "It's my turn for spellwork, little elf. You get two times what you could have-" I gasped with joy as he rammed harder, "with a bit of patience… and perseverance."

After more passionate lovemaking, Elrond said"Oh, you do love your lessons Gandalf. And the best master listens, as you have been. Well, what are you waiting for! Show me what the master's lesson is today, if you have it in you! I promise I'll be a-"

I cut him off, quickly pushing him off me before he knew what was happening and pinning him to the floor. I raised my staff, and slowly lifted him up and threw him against the wall, knocking old, boring books off of his bookshelf. What are books good for when faced with impassioned embrace, what can they teach you that you can't find out yourself, with a little, yes, perseverance. Hitting Elrond's glorious shaking mountains with the end of my staff, I came up behind him and told him, "We have a quest to go on, little hobbit, and you haven't been good out in the fields."

"Oh yes, Gandalf, I'm so sorry, the carrots and the potatoes were mighty heavy today."

"Quiet! The master is talking, Baggins. You must be punished, otherwise, how will you farm better tomorrow?"

"Whatever you say, Mister Gandalf sir." Stammered elrond in ecstasy.

"Yes, whatever I say. There's a great, big, red, fire breathing dragon that wants to ream its way into a mountain, and it seems like the dwarven one is far, far, away. But luckily for us, Mr Baggins-" Here I grabbed Elrond by the end of that long hair that tickled me eternally, "We have a hobbit hole right here, with a round little entrance to."

"Oh yes, and is this on Party Business?" - Flirted timorous elrond, with a look behind his rugged shoulder.

I plunged my member deep into the hobbit hole, and said, "I don't know, but I'll have some tea, no admittance necessary." While Elrond groaned, and sweat burst down the back of his neck, which I quickly gobbled up with a long lick of my dry tongue, and then returned with a spit as lubrication for my thick staff.

"Is it on to boil, little Mr. Baggins."

"Oh it's boiling, Master Gandalf sir, keep-" a groan, a push back on my pelvis with his powerful hips, "Keep it on the kettle."

With a groan and a few rapid thrusts, I spurt my kettle of boiling water all over the inside of Bag End, pulled out and went up the mountain, ending softly with a spatter in the curly underbrush.

I fell to the ground, and Elrond collapsed on top of me. He nibbled on my reddening earlobe. I was shining with embarrassment for losing control, but he said,

"I like to see you still have some passion in your heart, old wizard."

"Me too, Rondy, me too. You keep it alive, this flickering flame of mine."

We fell asleep like that, with my arms wrapped around him, his soft fluttering snore creating a white noise background for me to drift away on. The next day, I awoke fully clothed to Elrond preparing breakfast nearby, the smell of roasting bacon and potatoes forcing me up and out of bed.

"We fell asleep far too early, Elrond."

With a wink, he replied, "Do not worry, my friend, we have plenty of 'next times' to come. For another foray into bushes, of course."

I smiled, got up, and kissed him on the cheek. "You aren't as mean as you look, you know that?"

"What can I say, I've been tamed by a mighty master."

And, my beast tamed and made my own, I accomplished my quest, and later in the day began my journey back to Hobbiton after tearful goodbyes on those magnificent shores. I leave these notes here with you, Frodo, so that you can learn something from them before my next visit, to give you a headstart on our lessons. I spent a few days in Hobbiton doing some business, as you know, and am now probably back in Rivendell. My mighty beast Elrond needs another a good lesson.