Ladies and gentlemen, I doubt anything I can say will prepare you for the crackiness of what is to follow. I hope you enjoy regardless.
I do not own DBZ, nor do I own Justice League. Surprise, surprise.
...
The Batcave had another visitor. Black spiky hair that seemed to defy the laws of gravity sprouted from the head of a rather short, if not potentially very dangerous visitor. His black eyes were closed in bliss as he chewed a rather large mouthful of waffle from the heaping stack in front of him. His white gloved hand held his fork loosely out of simple disbelief that anything could taste this good. "This…this is absolute heaven." He finally stated after swallowing, his voice gruff and deep, looking at the man in front of him with awe written on his features. "Where did you find him and how much do you want for him?"
"Alfred is not for sale." The voice that replied was even gruffer, deeper, combined with a narrow-eyed glare that belied the breakfast spread set in front of the speaker. It was hard to be threatening when you were sitting across from someone with a plate of waffles, bacon, and eggs, with tea and orange juice in front of you. Regardless, Batman was trying his damndest, and he was actually partially succeeding. The black cape and cowl remained on and the shadows clung to them both lovingly, hidden eyes staring back into the Saiyan Prince's unflinchingly.
Vegeta returned the look with a smirk followed by a sigh. "Of course he wouldn't be for sale. You have to hog all the truly remarkable devices for yourself. Bulma would love all this. It's just a shame she can't cook." He looked at the plate in front of him and frowned. "I still say I would pay you triple whatever it took you to buy him."
"Alfred is not for sale. He's not a slave, he's a Butler. There is a marked difference. He's also been in the family for years. I didn't buy him. No one bought him. He works here of his own will." He took a sip of orange juice, somehow making the motion threatening. Vegeta sneered, but said nothing. While it was true he had managed to defeat the Bat quite soundly, there were quite a few things that had stopped him from simply offing him. No one should have been able to stand up against him for as long as he had without any true power for one, for another…the way he had placed himself in front of what he soon learned was his son and the man they were currently discussing had struck a chord. He was willing to give his life to protect the ones he cared about. In that they were very much alike and he would loathe ruining the vague 'friendship' the two of them shared. Especially if it would cost him Alfred's cooking, which is something he was almost positive would happen, and that was completely unacceptable.
Batman, for his part, had decided to allow the other to visit, mainly for the chance to study his strange abilities, and find a way to counter them. As time had passed however, he had learned that the two of them had quite a bit in common. He also had a feeling the conversation would lead towards one of the main reasons for this similarity shortly. Vegeta had already touched on Bulma, who he had learned was the Prince's wife, and they had also mentioned cooking. This naturally would lead into: "Just be glad it is not that half-witted, sorry-excuse for a Saiyan, Kakarot who discovered your Butler's talents for cooking. He would have stolen him, at least I'm asking."
"I had thought that 'Kakarot' was too 'weak' to steal?" Batman returned quietly, frowning, his visible jaw jutting out slightly. In this they argued quite frequently, but for once Vegeta did not take the bait.
"Oh he is, unless it comes to food. He would take candy from a baby. Granted, he would also be confused when the baby started crying, but he would." Vegeta took another large bite of waffle. He had started looking at his plate in disappointment, there was significantly less than when he had gotten there, and he had barely begun to have his fill. It was at this very moment that a whisper of motion was heard to his left and the very same Butler they had been discussing heaped a few more waffles, bacon, and egg on the Prince's plate. "Alfred, I swear on my father's name that you have to be the best human I have ever met."
"Thank you, sir." Alfred stated, bowing his balding head humbly. "I am pleased you enjoy my cooking so well. Although I must ask, what about your wife?"
"There is absolutely no way to not enjoy your cooking. The only ones who do not like it are either dead or haven't tried it. Nothing living should be able to resist." Vegeta waved his fork expansively, returning his attention to him calmly. "As for my wife…she can't cook. She bore my son and is always there, but she loses points for cooking. She loses many, many points." The Prince shuddered at the thought, before turning back to Batman. "Although, on the subject of my beautiful wife, how goes your relationship with that…'Wonder Woman' I believe she is called."
"We're colleagues. End of discussion."
"And yet your son consistently comments about her whenever I have time enough to talk to him. Seems to think she's a perfect match." A heavy black brow rose, his mouth curling into a slight smirk. He always enjoyed teasing him, especially on his love-life, or lack thereof…
"Much better than that Catwoman, sir." And that quiet, cultured voice was why. Alfred refilled their teacups calmly, backing away and standing stiffly by the computers.
"Catwoman? Does she have a similar dressing style to you, only hers involves animals of the feline variety? You have such strange names in this world…" He sighed, rubbing at the bridge of his nose.
"Selina Kyle."
"What?"
"Her name, it's Selina Kyle."
"Oh, I suppose that's better. Wonder Woman?"
"Diana Prince."
"Yours?" He asked finally, tapping his fork on his plate with a smirk.
"Batman."
He laughed. "I didn't think so. But now that I know their names…wouldn't that potentially endanger them?"
"You won't."
"How do you know?" Vegeta leaned forward, his eyes narrowing, anger filling him at the gall the man sitting before him had.
"You won't if you want to still enjoy Alfred's cooking." Just like that Vegeta relaxed, shrugging.
"True enough." Just like that they went back to eating in silence, Alfred vanishing back up to the manor to make more. The Saiyan had a stomach that could rival Wally's on a good day. Rival. Never truly beat.
"This…Kakarot, this Goku you talk about. He's another Saiyan, isn't he?"
"Yes. Did I not..?" Vegeta raised an eyebrow at him, sudden confusion obvious.
"No, you didn't."
"Oh, then I apologize. Yes, Kakarot is a Saiyan. He is married to a rather…frightening woman named Chi-Chi. Has a child named Gohan… To be perfectly honest I'm honestly surprised he knew how to conceive progeny, although I'm sure Chi-Chi guided him through it." He shuddered at the thought, Batman's mouth twitching down at the corners. "Yet from what I understand his wife is pregnant again." He sighed. "I hope Piccolo is willing to raise this one, too. Gohan didn't turn out so bad. A bit too studious for my taste, but at least he's quiet, smart, and knows how to be respectful. If Goku raises this one I shudder to think what horrors he will unleash upon the world."
"He didn't raise his own son?" Batman asked, looking at him in surprise.
"No, he was dead at the time, at least for Gohan's early years. Chi-Chi raised him alone, and then Piccolo took over his training. Without his father's influence he actually turned out pretty well. Piccolo's influence obviously runs deep." Vegeta noticed the slight surprise that spread through the man before him at the mention of Goku being dead 'at the time' but the ease with which he shook it off was interesting.
"Piccolo is…?" The fact that he instead chose to comment on something else surprised him even more.
"A Namekian from the planet Namek, green skin, pointed ears… Although I do have to ask, why are you not surprised he came back from the grave? From what I understand that doesn't happen often in your dimension."
"Someone I know performed a similar stunt. To be quite honest, the one that he reminds me of the most was the one that did it. For some reason, I can't find myself surprised." Batman answered, shaking his head.
"…There's another Kakarot?" Vegeta's voice sounded faint, his eyes widening as the waffle he had been about to eat fell from his fork and back onto his plate.
"I wouldn't call him exactly that, but yes, in a way. He reminds me greatly of Superman."
"…Superman?" Vegeta repeated, his eyebrows twitching.
"Yes, Superman. I'm honestly rather surprised you haven't met him yet. He enters the cave as though he owns the place most of the time." He mumbled the last bit rather bitterly, Vegeta's eyebrows rising to new heights of surprise.
"So let me get this straight, he has no sense of personal ownership and flaunts this fact often?"
"No sense of personal space, either." Batman frowned deeply.
"Don't tell me he likes to…put his hand on your shoulder or…" His eye was twitching.
"He's hugged me twice. Both times I think he thought I was dying. But that's no excuse." Both Batman and Vegeta were shuddering slightly.
"That's just revolting. Why must people decide that they have to touch you in order to show that they appreciate you? It doesn't matter that much anyway. So we've had our asses handed to us, we don't need them to flaunt this fact." Vegeta snarled, waving his hands. "Can't they just acknowledge us and move on?"
"No. That would require more emotional control than they possess." Batman seemed to roll his eyes, and Vegeta sighed.
"Urgh, tell me about it. At least the Namek gets this fact. You won't find him pulling any ridiculous stunts in order to prove he 'cares.'" The air quotes were positively visible, hanging in the air above them both.
"This is the green alien you mentioned before?"
"Yes, Piccolo."
"Reminds me of J'onn, he's a Martian, also green. This Piccolo wouldn't be able to read minds, would he?"
"No, can yours?"
"Yes."
"Can yours grow back severed limbs?"
"…He can change his shape, but I do not believe he can actually regrow them…"
"Oh. So he's a shape shifter and a mind reader. You don't like him much, do you?"
"Actually he's not that bad. As I said he respects personal boundaries, never gets overly emotional… While it is true he can enter a person's mind he never does so without permission. Even if he wanted to he wouldn't be able to without my knowledge." Batman's voice was firm, resolute, and Vegeta found himself believing him.
"I don't get you. You're an ordinary human and yet you are quite able to tell when someone is entering your mind…you were able to stand against me for much longer than anyone ever should without a much greater amount of power than you possess. How do you do it?"
"I'm Batman."
Vegeta laughed, but slowly began to nod. "I suppose that's a good enough answer. Probably very true as well. Regardless, this 'Superman,' what does he look like? I'm assuming he's got a costume as well? You're all so theatrical in this world."
"It works."
"I would suppose, but yes, Superman."
Batman hesitated, frowning, before standing up, and walking over to the wall of computers to his right. Vegeta hesitated, looked at his breakfast longingly, before standing up and following. The image he was treated to on the screen more than made up for it. Vegeta stared for a couple of seconds before throwing his head back and guffawing. "That? That is Superman? That's the Earth's greatest hope? He looks ridiculous! What are those, hot pants? Red hot pants…oh good lord, and look at that cape! And that curl, it's right in the middle of his goddamn forehead! It's…it's glorious!" He turned to Batman, an amused light in his eye. "I have decided, for sharing that image with me, I will no longer make threats against your life, or the life of others you care for. Including this fellow, I don't believe I have ever laughed harder in my life."
"…" Batman hesitated then shrugged. "If it suits you."
"It does, it really does. Any chance you could print that out for me? I feel like sharing it with someone, maybe Piccolo… I doubt Krillen would get much amusement out of it, even if I did tell him that it was of someone most like his beloved Kakarot."
"…Krillen?"
"I really haven't told you much, have I?" Vegeta asked, raising an eyebrow.
"You were too busy eating."
"Can you blame me? It's heaven." Vegeta sighed longingly, looking back at his breakfast. Batman rolled his eyes and returned back to the table, the Saiyan Prince almost giddily returning to the table and happily tucking in. "I swear, I have never tasted anything this good."
"I am pleased you enjoy it so much, sir." Alfred's voice interrupted anything Batman may have said, and lead to Vegeta grinning at him widely.
"I still say you should go home with me."
"I'm sorry, sir, but I've lived in this manor and with this family since before the Master was even born." Alfred smiled slightly, and Vegeta blinked in sudden understanding.
"You're like family, aren't you?"
"Yes, sir."
Vegeta sighed, frowning at Batman. "Damn you Batman, you have successfully ripped the best cooking I have ever had from my fingers. How do you do it?"
"He's the Batman, sir. He does things like that often."
Vegeta looked to his plate again, finally finishing everything in a sudden burst of speed that almost made Batman sick just looking at it. "Well, as entertaining as this has been, I'm afraid I have to be going. Bulma may start to wonder where I am."
"Wouldn't want that." Batman smirked slightly, standing up.
"No, we wouldn't." He held his hand out finally, the other accepting the handshake easily. Something like that was much more readily accepted. "Thank you for breakfast and that image, would you be willing to print it?" He asked again.
Batman nodded, finally walking over to the computer, and obtaining a copy. Vegeta took it from him, bowed in thanks, and blasted off. Bruce Wayne removed the cowl finally, taking a deep breath, and sighing through his teeth.
"Do you have a bad feeling about that image, too, sir?"
"…Yes."
When Superman finally entered the Batcave when Batman had more visitors than expected, he had to admit to finding it odd how a green alien, a strangely short man with hair that defied gravity, a blue-haired woman, and a purple-haired young man all started laughing at him.
He hated when he wasn't in on the joke…