a/n: I have the worst attention span but I just love Michael Corner okay. This should be multi-chapter yay! Also, it's slightly based on Bridget Jones, therefore I do not own the layout or some of the ideas.
New school year resolutions
I WILL
Form relationship with functional partner
Study more for my NEWTS in order to become intellectual and impressive in later life
Drink less
Lose weight – lose a lot of weight
Stop staring at people (namely Blaise Zabini, Justin Finch-Fletchley etc) when am supposed to be studying/working
Stop staring at Justin Finch-Fletchley, period, instead accept wholesome friendship we have
Stop calling Flitwick Yoda behind his back as it is neither clever nor funny
Stop being jealous of Mandy Brocklehurst
Stop being jealous of Parvati
Stop being jealous of Lisa
Stop being jealous of Princess Diana
Stop being jealous
Practice Potions, as is impossible to keep bluffing way through lessons
Build up self esteem
Become practical, elegant and fashionable young witch
Organise copies of Witch Weekly
Resist urge to murder certain peers (Corner)
I WILL NOT
Drink
Eat so much chocolate
Stare at attractive people in class
Be jealous, instead become practical and unleash inner goddess
Be in love with Blaise Zabini/Terry Boot/Harry Potter/other attractive boys, as is unrealistic and ruins self-esteem (also Blaise is apparently sleeping with my sister. OF COURSE.)
Fancy Terry as Lisa does and she's my friend therefore I am a bitch
Procrastinate studying
Procrastinate in general
Let Corner get to me
SEPTEMBER
A FORTITUOUS START
MONDAY SEPTEMBER 1ST 1996
Alcohol units 0 (v good, but still feeding off last night), Calories millions, number of times thrown up 7, number of times thought about last night 1746, based on rough average a minute (understandable).
Noon. Train. Ugh. Began day with acidic post Terry Boot's back-to-school-let's-use-all-the-alcohol-party hangover. Woke up in own bed with Parvati banging on the door (how is she together and well, HOW?) with hideous feeling in stomach (mix of post-alcohol vomit and terror) and hair all over face. Came back at about half five this morning, therefore had around three hours sleep. Wanted to die. Still want to die. Stumbled downstairs feeling like I had slut printed across my forehead to find Parvati (looking pristine and perfect) eating cornflakes. She had kindly explained to mother that I was hungover. SHE WAS HUNGOVER TOO, IT'S NOT MY FAULT SHE HAS FREAKISH RECOVERY SKILLS. I AM ONLY SIXTEEN. THIS IS NOT FAIR. Probably because she's been going to these sorts of parties since she was fourteen, whereas I, who have always been the geeky one, have barely begun.
"There's nothing worse than a woman drunk, beti," my mother said to me, and Parvati nodded wisely.
I HATE HER.
Thus followed the period of time where I try to finish packing everything I'd forgotten the night before, get out of the house and to King's Cross before eleven o'clock, which is hellish at the best of times. I was in a world of my own; sick, acidic, unattractive. Am lucky in the fact that most people were also like this, including the guys who had hosted the party and Lisa and Mandy. Gratified that Mandy looked about as dishevelled as I've ever seen her, which is good as she is the epitome of perfection and everything I want to be, etc etc, less gratified that Corner managed to look attractive even with a face the colour of pea soup. He caught my eye and I studiously ignored him.
WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THIS? I was very, very drunk. I have a low tolerance for alcohol. In fact, he should be apologisingfor taking advantage of me, the BASTARD.
Yes. That's the angle I'm going for.
Anyway, got to train with seconds to spare and collapsed on top of Lisa, who was not amused. Hate Lisa because she is tall and blonde and skinny whereas I am short and have dark hair and eyes the colour of mud, with a face that, according to my mother, has 'character'. RIGHT.
So now am lying writing this on my own in the compartment as we have all retreated into little self-contained spheres of sickness. Have caught only the slightest glimpse of Tony, who was green, and think Lisa has been in the toilet for an hour. Might look for her, actually.
12:23pm. Train still. She wasn't, she had switched sides (that bitch) and disappeared into the boys' compartment. Obviously it isn't her fault as I haven't yet told her about last night, but y'know, feminine solidarity. Tony, though, has apparently not appeared. I stuck my head in there to tell her she sucked but was pulled in by Terry, who I actually don't mind because he's quite cute and also he actually does some work sometimes instead of just relying on natural intelligence like myself. Don't understand how I was ever a Ravenclaw because I have no work ethic at all. Anyway, now sitting watching Lisa and Terry dance around each other (it's all very complicated, involves Lisa's boyfriend and the fact that Terry wants to be him) and Corner sit with his jacket over his eyes and try to sleep. Still feel bad because y'know he did drink a lot (and this is Corner we're talking about, so a lot for him is like a lake of whiskey for me) and is probably trying not to be sick everywhere. All he's said to me so far is "Hey, Patil," which is not very hostile and sure beats last year's "Jesus, Patil, what the fuck happened to your hair?" this was because I had it down and had been caught in what was apparently a small localised tornado and my hair is like long enough that I can sit on it so – well, I don't wear it down very much anymore, basically.
God, I hate him, though. I was sitting staring at him and actually wanting to hit him or like touch him or something so he'll say something so I can get annoyed with him justifiably.
Worse, I keep thinking about last night. It's all coming back to me in those hideous steady drips like oh my God.
I am not usually a slut. I have slept with a grand total of two people in my life (possibly three), both of whom were my boyfriends (except the third possible), and as a sixteen year old girl at a boarding school that really isn't bad at all. Not that it isn't okay to be a slut, obviously, it's perfectly cool to spread your…uh…well, do whatever you want. I just don't make a habit of it.
Anyway.
I am very good with dealing with problems, i.e. by pretending they don't exist therefore it never happened and I can continue on my merry way during this school year. This is my plan.
Same time. Same place. A few minutes later. Think that I might be sick again (again because I was several times this morning as I returned home, in the flowerbeds behind my house – apparating does nothing for drunk people - I'm only thankful that I didn't do it in Terry's living room).
Honestly. Corner just pulled his jacket off one eye and gave Terry (who's talking to Lisa) the most evil glare I've ever seen, which resulted in him shutting up as though he'd been stabbed. Then he closed his eyes again and returned the jacket.
Taking deep breaths as I write this. PLEASE LET ME NOT THROW UP IN FRONT OF CORNER.
More minutes later. In a sick place of sickness. Remember that the first time we met he told me that I was wearing my tie wrong and backwards and then proceeded to laugh loudly enough that everyone else joined in so I was standing there in a sea of laughter like a red thing with red bells hanging off me. Therefore I know that if I'm sick he will not forgive me. Especially because he will probably be sick too and then we would be sick together like little sick twins. Ew. Now I do think I'm going to throw up.
13:42pm. Carriage. I was sick but I avoided Corner's eyes and tried to do it discreetly, y'know, into the plastic bag with the sandwiches my mother packed me. DEAR LORD IT WAS AWFUL.
Corner surprisingly nice about it though. Held my hair because he was closest and sort of rubbed my back a bit which made me think of last night except I was throwing up so it wasn't the same at all. And I had more clothes on. Also he wasn't sick. It probably made him feel better. Then Terry vanished the bag and sort of patted my head a bit, and Lisa ran out of the room. Think she was sick in the toilets.
Let the Death Eaters come, we're ready for them.
Then I drank a load of water and lay down and Corner vacated his seat for me and we exchanged a few groans and it was all very nice and friendly, although he did snigger a bit when I pushed my hair back and looked up at him. HOPE HE WASN'T THINKING ABOUT LAST NIGHT TOO.
BECAUSE THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
Think I slept for a bit because I feel much better now.
13:57pm. Carriage. Hate the school uniform. Hate having to get changed under pressure with Terry and Corner outside and a bad hangover. Hate my long socks. Hate the fact that Corner looked at my legs. HATE EVERYTHING.
14:07pm. Bathroom. Ooooh noooooooooo.
One minute later. Toilet. At least there's no Corner this time.
Three minutes later. Same. Life is always improved without Corner.
14:13pm. Sick room. Ooh apparently Justin Finch-Fletchley's not hungover. Life is always improved when he's around. He's like the king of attractiveness but because I'm not exactly his type (i.e not a size DD and stupid) we just hang out and complain about our friends and Corner and McGonagall and life. And I get to stare at him, which is nice.
14:15pm. Room of the plague. According to Lisa Colin Creevey's parents were killed over the summer. She heard it from Demelza (his girlfriend). I like Colin. We sit in the library and complain about stuff too.
An indeterminable time later, same bat place. Seriously, that sucks. I hope his brother's alright.
14:23pm. Carriage. Returned feeling like I might die. Corner (thankfully) has gone (WHERE? HE HAS NO OTHER FRIENDS!), so it's just me, Lisa, Mandy and Terry. Mandy has returned from hanging out with the Gryffindors - she says Parvati says hi.
GREAT.
Also, she says that Harry Potter looked, and this is a direct quote, 'broody.' BROODY? AS IN A CHICKEN?
14:26pm. Oh look, a wild train! No, broody as in thinking deeply about something dark and troublesome, apparently. Well, fine then.
TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 2ND 1996
Alcohol units 0 (forgot how hard it is to drink at school), calories 2376, number of thoughts about night before last 1342, based on average per minute (better)
07:23am. Great Hall. Received timetable; have Potions first thing. Qu'est-ce que le point?
07 :34am. Great Hall. Ooooh, on the plus side, there's a new Arithmancy professor and he's gorg.
07:37am. Same place. Tony read that over my shoulder and has informed me that I am incredibly shallow, insensitive and self-centered. Simply because there have been a few Death Eater attacks over the summer.
07:40am. Ditto. Is being moody an art all boys practice? Potter is looking particularly moody today, He really is quite attractive even though he doesn't realise it.
07:43am. Same place. I am a BAD PERSON.
10:22am. Transfiguration. McGonagall has little to no respect for a) traumatic events involving alcohol and possible one night stands, b) the fact Voldemort's back or c) holiday tiredness. She has spent the last ten minutes talking about NEWTs. I want to die. What if I don't get my NEWTs because I'm too busy being attacked by Slytherins? Worse, what if I fail?! I've never failed anything in my life!
10:25am. Same place.
Dear Mandy,
This is an extremely polite request for you to please go and lock yourself in the dorm and never again return. This is simply for the goodness of my health. You are too attractive at this time in the morning.
Many thanks,
Padma.
You know, that girl in your dorm who you don't speak too because I'm not cool enough.
11: 05am. Still Trans.
Dear Lisa,
Don't think I can't see you trying to read this over my shoulder.
Don't think I can't.
Pads
11:10am. Do you really write the place every single time?
Dear Padma,
You need to improve your silent fighting skills because they weren't very silent.
Lisa
PS did you really sleep with Corner?
11:14am. Yes, I do. I'm organised. What if I forgot where I was writing this?
Dear Lisa,
NO
I DID NOT
WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT
BECAUSE IT ISN'T TRUE
Padma
11:17am. Wow, Jesus, that's depressing. That's a true insight into your future life.
Dearest darling Padma,
Colour me convinced.
Lisa
PS was it good?
11:32am. I hate you.
Lisa,
There's a Death Eater take over happening AS WE SPEAK! Do you think you could be a bit less shallow?
P
PS no because it didn't happen.
11:38am. Padma has not disappeared from Transfiguration, future Padma.
P,
There's nothing we can do about it, though, so…
L
PS mhm right you must have been very drunk because he's sort of a dick. I mean he's hot and everything but just imagine actually having to talk to him.
11:43am. Lisa is still a cow and once set fire to the hem of Terry Boot's robes in Charms in third year and blamed it on Tony because she was scared he wouldn't like her. He still doesn't.
L,
That's exactly the defeatist attitude they want us to have.
P
PS actually I was very drunk. Luckily I remembered he was a dick and DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HIM
11:47am. LOW BLOW PATIL, LOW BLOW. Was Corner a low blow?
P,
Suggestions?
L
PS well then clearly you aren't in denial about anything here let's move on.
11:52am. That was such a bad pun I'm not even going to respond.
L,
I have no idea, you're meant to be the smart one.
P
PS Glad we're on the same page.
13:02pm. Library. Luckily that was when the bell went. Honestly, what I took from that conversation is that Lisa doesn't like Corner either, which I'm very glad about because I've been labouring under the impression for the past five years that everyone loves him except me. Apparently not. You'd think as my best friend she would have put me out of my misery sooner.
13:05pm. Library. In other news I have a free right now, as do most of us, and I'm going to sit crying inside over Mandy Brocklehurst's hair. How does she get it so straight and flat and…swishy? Is there a charm? Must ask her, except she doesn't really like me so can't. My hair is frizzy today. FRIZZY.
13:09pm. Still library. I hate sixth year already. I have a Potions essay to complete which I've only done half of and Trans questions and I'm going to fail because I'm simply awful at Trans, really bad. I don't know why, but I am, there's something about having 'strength of mind' that I don't understand. Terry Boot's fantastic at Trans. Terry Boot is fantastic at everything. I wish I was Terry Boot. Except without the penis.
13:12pm. Oh I wonder where I am. EW paper cut.
A few minutes later. Same. This diary is riveting stuff. I've bled all over the cover so maybe someone will think it's really dramatic and then when they open it it's just me talking about my cute Arithmancy professor and obsessing over whether Corner's forgotten.
More minutes later. Same. OH MY GOD MAYBE HE'S FORGOTTEN
HOW WONDERFUL WOULD THAT BE?
WHAT IF ALL THE ALCOHOL HE DRANK HAS GONE STRAIGHT TO HIS BRAIN AND HE ACTUALLY DOESN'T REMEMBER A THING!
I'M SO HAPPY I COULD SING
13: 36pm. Library. I AM SO VERY DEAD.
Corner sat down in front of me about fifteen minutes ago. He did it really irritatingly, like he swivelled the chair and straddled it and cupped his chin in his hand and went, "Patil."
Just that. Patil. I was gaping at him like a fish because I had been really happy and then BOOM he crushed my hopes. "I-" I said. "I…ah…"
He went, "We need to talk."
Now, if you can find a more terrifying set of words in the entire English language, show them to me. Because I can't think of any.
"Ah…about what?" I inquired politely, in a tone of utter innocence and delight.
He rolled his eyes. He does this all the time. His eyes are really dark blue (whose eyes are dark blue? It's so pointless, why aren't they just brown? He's so difficult) and he has longer eyelashes than me and I was trying so hard not to glare. "Don't play stupid with me," he snapped. "At Ter's party, Patil?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," I lied. Behind his head I could see Lisa making faces at me from her table – we had split up in the vague hope that one of us would actually complete some homework – kissy faces, and then she was sucking on her pen in a manner which I'm sure was absent minded but which looked anything but. Right now she's shooting me concerned expressions but I'm writing this instead of attending to her because she's crude.
He sighed. "Yes, you do," he said, patiently. Corner is the least patient person I know and I was expecting his wand to come out any time soon. His wand, not his wand. Y'know. Never mind. "We-"
And then, and I swear to God I almost attacked the woman with gratitude-filled hugs, the librarian, Madame Pince who despises Corner with every fibre of her being because she loves Terry and she thinks he's a bad influence, marched up and said, "Mr Corner, if you aren't going to work, please be kind enough to leave."
Everyone hates Madame Pince, but personally I don't think she's that bad.
Corner glanced from me to her and rolled his eyes again – he rolled his eyes at a teacher – and then said, "You aren't off the hook yet, Patil," and swaggered off, and I called after him, "I don't know what you're talking about!"
Then Madame Pince and I exchanged our patented CORNER!1!1!11!1 look and she returned to her plotting or whatever she does in her spare time.
Now I am silently freaking out because seriously. I thought maybe he'd forgotten it or he would just drop it, but when Corner gets his teeth into something he's like a dog with a bone and he's impossible to shake. He's the most stubborn person I've ever met, and I live with my mother, who still refuses to accept the idea of ready meals and cooks every meal by hand. Every. Meal.
Why won't he just drop it, though? I mean, we hate each other. It must be a source of embarrassment to him; that he got hammered enough to think I'm attractive. When I was thirteen he spread a rumour that I was a man.
SO WHY IS HE PUSHING THIS?
17: 13pm. Common Room. OH WOW PROFESSOR FLITWICK I HAVE AN IDEA FOR YOUR CLASS.
HOW ABOUT YOU ASSIGN PARTNERS?
HOW WOULD I DO THAT, YOU SAY? WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE FIRST HALF OF THE ALPHABET AND PUT THEM WITH THE SECOND PART OF THE ALPHABET?
GOSH, WHY NOT GO THE WHOLE HOG AND INSTEAD OF PUTTING ME WITH TERRY OR TONY OR EVEN MANDY, READ MY MIND AND PUT ME WITH THE ONE PERSON I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN WORK WITH.
THAT WOULD BE A FUCKING FANTASTIC PLAN.
Kill me.