BURNT OKONAMIYAKI PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS
...And Do It Right This Time!
Urd: HEEElooh. Just warped in from your T.V. set to interrupt your regularly scheduled program. Elliott Belser does not claim copyright to any of these characters; copyright belongs to... whoever owns them. And, oh, yes, this is for entertainment value only. No money will be made in the making of this fanfic. Assuming we can shut up Nabiki, that is.
*****Kami Plane*****************************************************************************************
Ranma-Kami looked down on the scene through the Crystal of Time in dismay. This time the fix should have worked! But instead, there lay Ranma-Kami's ward, transfixed with a sword through his throat. His eyes stared in blank horror at his assassin... who was being cut down a long line of vengeful fiancees. Akane-Kami turned her head away from the Crystal, unable to watch, and Tate-Kami stared on in shock. Ranma-Kami shut off the Crystal of Time.
"Okay," he brooded, "Now I'm prepared to admit you shouldn't trifle with Kuno. Or, at least, if you're a mortal you shouldn't trifle with him."
"I told you so," Ryouga-Kami crowed. Ten steely glances pinned him to his seat, where he just blinked and slunk into a ball.
"Oh, what a fool my mortal side be!" Tate-Kami croaked out. "Perhaps there is some way that I could give him actual intelligence before the fact."
Nabi-Kami shook her head. "We tried that, remember?" Nabi-Kami paused, then gave a hawkish grin. "Not that my ward didn't enjoy having you around."
What they had tried was making the mortal Kuno fall in love with the mortal Nabiki. Why? It was quite simple. This prevented The Fight from breaking out between Kuno and Akane. It had worked beautifully... but Akane's already mediocre skills were ruined without the constant practice The Fight gave her. She had been a sitting duck when Kodachi went on the warpath. They didn't even think of keeping tabs on the self-styled Black Rose until it was too late... and this time Kuno didn't have a reason to intervene.
"Maybe you could try to make me not a problem?" Ryouga-Kami suggested. "By trying a Ryouga-Ukyou fix?"
"Not a bad move, sug," Ucchan-Kami replied. "Two problems at once. And my ward could use some fun..."
Ranma-Kami grabbed Ryouga-Kami by his metaphysical back. "P-Chan," he began, "We tried an Akari-Ryouga fix. We thought it would keep you off of our backs, and happy at the same time. After all, that's our job." Ranma-Kami's grip grew tighter. "As I remember, A-KA-RI UN-RYU-I," he snarled, "A-KA-RI UN-RYU-I, who doesn't even live in Nerima, became my ward's fiancee! Thanks to your ward, Ranma-Kun became the remains of a Wounded Lions Roar lighted log! An Ukyo-Ryouga fix would be even more disastrous."
"I forgot," Ryouga-Kami hissed. "Give me a break! Maybe we should try a Ukyou-Mousse fix."
"We did try fixing up my ward and Ucchan-Kami's," Mousse-Kami reminded him. "Shortest fix we ever tried."
Shyian-Kami suppressed a deep blush. At least that had proved to them that setting up Shyian P'u and Mu Zhao was worthwhile. Even Shyian-Kami was surprised at her ward's raging jealousy...
"Do you mind if I decide who I'm fixed up with, Ryochan?" Ucchan-Kami asked politely.
"How many fixes have we gone through?" Akane-Kami asked.
Ranma-Kami looked at the figures and sighed. "I got killed 37 times by The Dark One alone, 21 by Cologne. Mousse killed me five times, Ryouga three, Pantyhose twice. This is the first time Kuno killed me, and in a particularly subtle fix of Shyian-Kami's design, the Cat of Shadow killed me." Ranma-Kami sighed again. "As for you... 21 kills by The Dark One. 17 by Cologne. 6 by Shyian P'u. Kodachi, twice. Ukyo, once. Saffron, twice..." Ranma threw the quantum calculator into the wall in disgust. It disappeared. "We're gettin' nowhere fast," he said. "We have to start over. Again."
Everyone looked at a green hared young woman with a gnarled staff with hope. She shook her head.
"I have no ideas, child," Cologne-Kami said. "Does anyone else have an idea?"
"Maybe we should hire a marriage counselor," Nabi-Kami cracked. Naturally, there was no money in the Kami-Plane. The very idea was sill...
Nabi-Kami turned that thought over in her head. There was someone whose ward became a psychologist in the room. In fact, her ward and her ward's lover was the only couple that flocked to each other of their own accord in the mortal plane! No doubt because of some subtle fix... after all, her lover's ward ran away the first time the scene unfolded. But every single time after that, the relationship worked.
"A marriage counselor," Nabi-Kami repeated. "How about the healer's guardian? Kasumi, you and Ono always managed to stay together. Mind rubbing a little of that Zen wisdom of yours off on us?"
"Well..." a voice that had stayed out of the situation until now started.
All eyes turned to the only couple that had any stability in the mortal world. One wore the robes of a healer, the other a kitchen kimono and a nurses hat. They were quiet... dignified. They only gave opinions when asked, and then made them suggestions, not orders.
"Well what, Kasumi-Kami?" Ranma asked softly, an impossible hope building up.
"Go on, dear," the healer encouraged.
"Well..." Kasumi-Kami took a deep breath. "I think that the work we're doing has come too late..."
Ranma-Kami started. This had never occurred to any of the pantheon.
"I agree," Ono-Kami added. "Major psychological damage has been done to the main player here, and to many of the others."
"Jyusenkyo," Ranma-Kami supplied.
"The Cat's Claw attack," Kasumi-Kami corrected.
Ranma started again.
"The Nekoken?" he asked weakly.
Kasumi nodded. "Think about it. Why are you so unsure of your masculinity, as a mortal? Why so chauvinistic? I think that it was a mental defense for you to become so obtuse."
"Mental is right," Nabi-Kami cracked.
"Emotional, then." Ona-Kami clarified. "Only it backfired."
"Whoa! Whoa! Back up!" Ranma shook his head. "I'm not sure that a time jump that far back would be acceptable to Kamisama!"
Akane-Kami shook her head. "This would be a two-day energy drain, and if we can fix the timeline, it's worth it. The history of the world depends on Ranma and I being alive and in love, so what's a couple of days more to Doomsday?"
There was a long pause.
"Well..." Ranma-Kami thought about it. "I'm not sure that Urd can authorize this kind of an energy allocation, but we'll ask."
****Yggdrasil*********************************************************************************************
Urd's job sucked.
The reprimand she had gotten from trying to help her sister 'advance a base' sucked even worse. She had to spend seven Damned years on the mortal plane, putting up Skuld's incessant chatter and Belldandy's mortal boyfriend, and to top it off she was laid off from her former job programming the Yggdrasil Ultimate Force. It was enough for her to envy Mara's position.
Now she was stuck with the Rumiko pantheon, a bunch of Japanese gods trying to fix the love lives of important players in the Battle Against Entropy. Lum-Kami wasn't too bad, having a ward with supernatural powers. Godai-Kami and Kyoko-Kami were in control of mortals, but at least they were sane.
But the Mermaid immortals... they were ominous. Their wards had death wishes like you wouldn't believe. Ataru-Kami was a pervert. The nun's guardian was disgustingly naive. Cherry-Kami and Sakura-Kami were idiots beyond compare.
And the One Half sub-pantheon... well, they were complete losers.
They had failed at least seventy (count em') seventy times to make the main players of their wards survive until their wedding day. They had lost two years of power. The only thing that kept Urd from borrowing the M-Thread Unraveler and putting them out of their misery was the fact that Skuld owned the M-Thread Unraveler (cleverly disguised as a hammer), and she wasn't going to waste it on someone who was, technically, an ally. Urd sometimes wished she was a goddess of war, like Athena. Now there was a bigshot!
A soft BAMF filled the air. Urd looked up to see that the One Halves had jinxed it again.
"Ranma-Kun. Only your second time the subjective week." Urd grinned and stiffened her back, putting herself in a provocative pose. "Not bad, considering it's you."
"Shut up, you jackass."
"You shut up, spatula wielding moron. I'd say you were as destructive as Cherry, but I don't want to insult Cherry."
"How dare you talk to a friend of mine that way!? I'LL KILL YOU!"
"Save it, Shamps, you ain't gonna solve our problems this way," Ranma-Kami moaned. "Listen, I think I have a way to save Ranma and company, but we're gonna need a bigger energy allocation."
Urd's voice hit higher C. "A BIGGER ALLOCATION!?" she shrieked. "You have lost more energy working on this problem then anyone else has! Even Lum managed to fix her timeline, over budget, maybe, but she FIXED it. You are complete losers!" Urd howled. "How am I supposed to authorize this kind of energy use?!"
"Calm down, calm down!" Ranma-Kami pleaded. "To fix the problem, we're going to have to jump to my ward's childhood. It's only two days worth of energy!"
"Two days," Urd echoed.
"Right."
"Only two days." Urd echoed again.
"Yes. For a six-year time jump."
Urd turned away. "Forget it."
Ranma-Kami bit his lip. He was about to give a tirade, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him. He turned.
"Allow me," Kasumi-Kami requested. "Urd, I understand your position on this, but we need that energy, or we'll fail again."
"And if you have the energy, it's gonna fix the problem?" Urd hissed.
Kasumi-Kami sighed. "Possibly," she admitted. "But I have a plan. If it works, this will be the only time jump we need to make."
Urd's ears perked up. "This is going to be the last time?"
Kasumi looked at Ranma, hesitant. He hissed in a ragged breath, then nodded. Kasumi turned to Urd. "We haven't got anything to lose," she said, nodding.
A pink sphere of power in a crystalline shell floated over to Kasumi. It was a powerpack for the Crystal of time - but much brighter and more brilliant then any that Kasumi had seen. Ranma, too.
"Fine, but only because you remind me of my sister." Urd said. "I've given you enough energy for your needs. In return, you will never ask for a refill. Capish?" she demanded.
"We will not trouble you again." Kasumi-Kami replied, bowing. "Thank you."
"Get out of my sight," Urd demanded.
Kasumi joined the rest of the One Half gods. With a flash and a crack, they were gone. Urd sighed with pleasure. Now, she had some peace.
There was a BAMPH.
"Hey, Urd-Chan!" a lecherous voice cackled.
"Get back here, Moroboshi-Kami!" another voice yelled, followed by an unmistakable 'ZAKK!' sound.
"That shadow on his face... is hideous today," a short god remarked.
Urd groaned and leaned forward. It looked like another long day.
******Kami Plane****************************************************************************************
"All right," Kasumi-Kami said, rubbing her hands together. "We have a definite eight-year plan of action. I wasn't kidding when I said I had a plan, but some of it is going to have to be played by ear."
Gone was the weak, "Oh My!" spouting young woman. In her stead stood a goddess radiating leadership.
Ranma-Kami agreed. "Understood, Kasumi."
Kasumi-Kami grinned, widely. "We only have one shot at this," she reminded them, "so we have to do our job perfectly. No slips." She looked them square in the eye. "We have to start over... and do it right this time!"
She turned to Ranma-Kami. "Ranma. Get over here, next to the Crystal. Ukyou, you come here too. You're going to be needed soon. Ryouga, stay back until you're needed. I don't need your anger distorting the crystal." Everybody obeyed her, although Ryouga-Kami shot a sour look at her before doing so. Kasumi slipped the powerpack in, and the Crystal of Time began to glow, a pool of water within becoming luminescent. Kasumi took a small stone, etched the word "Our Last Bet" on it, and threw it into the pool, which rippled and dispelled the image of Kuno being beat on by a hysterical Akane.
"Oh Crystal of time," she droned, "Oh magic of the gods, take us back to a time when Ranma was just a child. Take us back to the time just before Genma taught him the Nekoken..."
*****Somewhere in Japan, The Mortal World*******************************************************
This technique... looked POWERFUL.
Genma licked his lips with glee. The Claw of the Cat! The very name evoked power. Power his son should surely have.
After all, wasn't his son the heir to the Saotome School of Indiscriminate Grappling, a branch of the illustrious Anything Goes School?
Genma could very well have closed the book right then and there. In fact, he really had no idea why he didn't. He just knew that he had to turn the page and read on...
Genma stared. My GOD! he thought to himself. The technique had a terrible price. In fact, it said there that the only reason that anyone would teach using the preferred method was because same person was a complete moron. Genma closed the book, in sadness. Perhaps, he mused, he could find a more safe way of teaching Ranma the Nekoken later. He got up and into fighting position
"Ranma!" he called out. "Time for another lesson. Today we learn... the Raging Tornado Form!"
"I'm coming! Ready or not!" a voice called, and soon the owner of that voice was barreling feet-first at Genma.
*****The Kami Plane************************************************************************************
The One-Halves whooped in joy. The scene had played like a Swiss watch! There was GENMA, the most obtuse man in the known universe, actually doing something INTELLIGENT. All because of three people concentrating intently on the images in the pool.
First Kasumi, then Ranma and Ukyo, stopped their concentration. Kasumi let out a deep sigh of relief, walking away from the crystal. Ranma and Ukyo gave their respective Fiancees the thumbs-up... Right before Ranma stooped over in shock.
New thoughts... new memories... reshaped his mind. He could feel his own ego melting away into something more manageable. He smiled at the end.
"It worked," he croaked. "His... My ego is being reshaped into something... less intimidating," he smiled. Then an ugly thought occurred to him, which dampened his mood considerably.
"Kasumi!" he cried in despair. "If I never learn that Genma is not to be trusted, I'm dead!"
"I thought of that already," Kasumi grinned. "All we have to do is... modify your early relationship with Ukyo to the point where you are shocked and angry with Genma at it's conclusion."
"What are you talking about?" Ukyo asked, before realizing.
"Simple." Kasumi looked up at Ranma and Ukyo, then held up her pinky in the Japanese gesture for lovers. "What better way to make Ranma hate his father then by having Genma break his heart?"
There was an uproar. Ucchan-Kami and Ranma-Kami looked at each other with confused expressions. Akane fumed. Ryouga looked at Kasumi with a She's my Fiancee - touch her and I'll kill you! stare. Shyian, Nabi, Tate and Mousse-Kami wore stupefied expressions.
"The fate of our universe depends on Ranma and I being in love," Akane-Kami hissed at her quantum sister.
"I know."
All turned to Kasumi-Kami, who had a stare more akin to Nabi-Kami's ward then her own. "Trust me, the relationship will not be permanent. First, we have to delay their meeting to when Ranma is a teenager. Then, here's what we're going to do..."
*****Okinawa, Japan - The Mortal Plane************************************************************
Ukyo was bruised and battered The group of girls around her were hissing with homophobic venom Why her? she wondered. She wasn't a lesbian! And yet her style of clothing seemed to confirm that she was irredeemably perverted.
Homosexuality is not an idea that goes over well in Japan, as Ukyo was learning the hard way.
"How do you like that, you dyke?!" one of the girls hissed, kicking her... ahh, shall we say where it hurt the most. "Where's your girlfriend to save you, Spatula boy?"
"Tsubasa... is not... my girlfriend," Ukyo moaned.
"Then what the hell is she?" another one of the homophobes demanded.
Ranma and Genma were walking past this when they overheard the next part. The power of coincidence (or perhaps meddling Kami's) had brought them here.
"An annoying... pervert... that keeps chasing after me!" a voice screamed.
"What was that?!" Ranma asked his father, the blood of samurai past beginning to boil in his veins.
"Face it, Ukyo, you ain't nothin' but perverted Eta trash," a sharp hiss carried over.
"I am not Eta! And I'm not a pervert! Please stop..." the first voice moaned.
"Okay, that does it," Ranma snarled, dropping his pack. "Whoever's being hurt, I have to help!"
Genma looked at him. "Why?" he asked, puzzled.
Ranma looked up, equally confused. "Daddy, you said that it's a martial artists duty to protect those that can't defend themselves!" he reminded him.
"Oh! I did say that, didn't I?" Genma smiled, thinking of the reward he would be given. And it would be a nice reward. "Then go fulfill your duty as a martial artist!" he commanded.
Meanwhile, Ukyo moaned. It hurt! What did she do?
Ranma looked on in disgust. Four girls were beating up on a boy... no, he looked again. It was a girl in a Yattai-owners clothing. Ranma instantly concluded that they thought she was a pervert because of her mode of dress. His knuckles whitened. Eta -lower then even merchants in Japanese society - had saved his life. He had fought girls more capable then his father in combat, lost badly, and learned from their techniques. No way would he let this girl get hurt because she wore male clothing!
"Leave her alone!" Ranma demanded, striding towards the group.
Ukyo looked up in shock to see a brief glimpse of a teenaged boy in a filthy gi running to her aid, before her head was pushed down into the dirt by one of the girls.
"What's it to you?" one of the bullies snarled.
"It isn't fair for you to beat up on her!" Ranma snarled. "Just because she doesn't wear dresses doesn't make her some kind of a pervert!" He cracked his knuckles. "You want to leave quietly, or do you need more convincing?"
The girls leaped at Ranma. In around fifteen seconds, they were mumbling about the price of Pocky and laying in prone positions (Take THAT, Bugs Meany!). Ranma looked around, and shouted, "Let that be a lesson to you," before crouching near the bruised girl.
Ranma hissed out a breath. "Uhh... are you okay?" he asked softly, eyes looking over her wounds with concern.
Ukyo was trying her best to be glib. "...Not much worse for the wear," she joked. "I don't think they'll bother us again..." She tried to get up, only to find she had a splitting headache. She moaned and collapsed on the floor.
"It doesn't look too serious," Ranma said. "Would you like me to help you up?" he asked.
"Yeah..."
Ranma grabbed her hand and hoisted her up in one swift, powerful maneuver, and they just stood there for a moment, utterly still, looking at each other.
Ukyo was the one to break the silence. "That was... incredible!" Ukyo breathed. "How were you able to take out all four at the same time?"
Ranma had to gather his wits before answering. "My father teaches the Anything Goes style of martial arts. One of the things it deals with is multiple opponents."
"Umm..." Ukyo took a deep breath. "Would you... would you mind teaching me?" she asked.
"I'd love to," Ranma smiled. "Oh, I'm sorry for being rude... my name's Ranma. What's yours?"
"U...Ukyo." she smiled.
Ranma nodded. Now he understood. "That's a boy's name."
Ukyo turned away. "My father wanted a boy... hence the getup."
"I get the idea," Ranma said, smiling at her. "Why don't you show me where you live?"
Ukyo smiled, and she did.
*****Kami Plane*****************************************************************************************
"I don't get it," Tate-Kami said, puzzled.
Ono-Kami withdrew one pace and stood at attention. "Basic psychology. Women seek those who can comfort them, and be there for them, and be with them during good times and bad. In short... they fall in love with those who could be friends."
Tate-Kami, Shyian-Kami, and Ryouga-Kami looked with a _You have to be kidding_ stare, as all of the other female guardian gods nodded vigorously in agreement.
Mousse looked into the pool, digesting this new piece of insight. "With... with those who could be their friends. Of course. That is why Shampoo... shrank from me."
"Love's always compared to heat, sugar," Ukyo-Kami winked. "You go chasing into a forest fire, you get yourself hurt."
Kasumi smiled. "You see?" She gave a "come hither" stare to Ono, who went thither. "Think, kami, think back to the first timeline. On the first divergence and each one thereafter, I had struck up a casual friendship with Ono-Chan."
"I keep expecting her to call him 'muffin' any minute," Ranma-kami whispered to Akane-kami.
"I heard that." Kasumi stuck out her tongue at Ranma. "It allowed him more control in my presence, each and every other time. And I... ahem, my ward picked up on the feelings and responded in turn. The rest was history, as the poet says."
"Shakespeare," Kuno remarked, as everyone else tried to recall. In sudden clarity, Ranma did, and nodded.
"Is it really that simple?" Ranma-Kami asked, wide-eyed.
"Watch," Kasumi smiled, stirring the pool. "And concentrate on that thought."
*****Ucchan's Place, Japan, The Mortal Plane*****************************************************
"Ukyo, you have to work on your defense, you know."
Ukyo shot Ranma a withering glare, which melted away when she saw Ranma's serious expression. He meant no harm. He simply... wished her to be the best she could, on par with himself. What with Ranma being a martial arts-_otaku_, his standards were very high, and he challenged Ukyo to reach them. Daily.
They had made a bet to that effect; the winner of the sparring contest would treat the victor to lunch. Ranma was keenly interested in learning how to cook, too, and asked if he could help sometimes. When asked why, he muttered something about "Genma being a real gourmet." So she let him help. It was really very cute, and Ranma was a fast learner.
Ranma must truly care for her, Ukyo mused, as she got out the equipment and Ranma got out the ingredients. Care a great deal, indeed...
"Shrimp on yours?" she teased, knowing what was coming next.
"I prefer pork, actually." Ranma said, as always, right on cue.
"Suit yourself," she shrugged as she took the ingredients and started to group them together. "You do the chopping while I mix this stuff up."
Ranma bowed and did as he was bidden, stopping only to look at Ukyo for a few seconds, then tearing himself away and starting to chop.
Tearing himself away from looking at her.
Ukyo could have kicked herself for not realizing it sooner. The kindness. The stolen glances. The training sessions, and his trying so hard to help her become the martial artist she wanted to. It should have been obvious.
That boy loved her, heart and soul. And bless me if there wasn't a space in Ukyo's heart to return that love.
*****Kami Plane*****************************************************************************************
Ukyo-Kami reeled from the awakened, redolent feelings. "My god. That powerful..."
"You see?" Kasumi lay a hand on Ukyo's back lovingly. "All it takes is a little friendship, a little kindness, and... pouf! You're in love. Forget being swept off of your feet by a flamboyant declaration, the realization you love someone is far grander."
Ranma snapped out of his torpor, head aswim with thoughts of Ukyo both honorable and hentai, and shook his head to clear it. "Whoa," he gasped. "Whaddaya know, that actually worked."
Ono heard, and laughed heartily.
*****Ucchan's Place, Japan, As Seen Through the Pool******************************************
Images. Connected, and yet disjointed. All of two people; Ukyo and Ranma.
Of fights, punctuated with steel on steel - ichijmoni clashing against bracer as they sparred, stray sweat beads sparkling like jewels in the sun, Ranma's words of encouragement and of retort, and Ukyo's wry responses. Perhaps it was flirting, perhaps not. One could never tell, not even kami.
Of Ranma and Ukyo just talking, of Ranma and Ukyo hanging on to every word the other said, offering advice, and insight, and support. Some very wise people attribute this attentiveness to the first stage, known affectionately as "The 'Isn't it amazing that we both love cheese!' stage."
Of arguments, of hard feelings, of yells and shrieks and cries, of two seemingly irreconcilable forces facing each other. And yet always reconciling, and always ending up more sure that this, indeed, was no fluke.
Of Ranma looking at Ukyo, and Ukyo looking at Ranma.
Ranma opened his mouth to say The Three Words, but Ukyo silenced him with one finger on his lips. Talking? Talking is for people who don't share this deep bond. They didn't need to say it, they KNEW it.
Their eyes met.
Their lips met.
They knew for a fact that they were in love.
*****Kami Plane*****************************************************************************************
Akane's eyes were as sharp as razors, and so was her voice as both cut deeply into Ranma and Ukyo's guardian kami. "This is just so heartwarming it makes me SICK TO MY STOMACH!"
"Save it!" Ranma shrieked. "Oi. This... whoah. I need to sit down."
Kasumi Brought two chairs from Hammerspace and helped Ranma and Ukyo to them. "Really, Akane, you should have more faith in my methods."
*****Ucchan's Place, Japan, The Mortal Plane*****************************************************
Turn. Advance. Block. Strike. Strike again. Block, dodge, sweep, then unleash the Twin Flames strike. Block... Oops! Too slow. Okay, that kind of hurt.
Ukyo ignored it, as much as she could ignore it. Genma and Ranma had said many times that pain was information. It was not news of a disaster that would make one stop. Ukyo kept on fighting. She switched, on and off, to Anything Goes Unarmed Martial Arts and Culinary Fighting Arts.
Ukyo smiled. She had always been a rather good cook. Okonamiyaki was the dish she did best, although she could improvise and make other (quite tasty) dishes on occasion. It was only natural that a cooking nut like her would adapt a weapon more suitable for whipping up what Westerners described as an odd mix between a pancake and a slice of shrimp pizza then for making pate de samurai.
Not that pizza in the west had shrimp on it. Ukyo pressed on with the attack, slamming her spatula into Ranma hard.
Most martial artists would be surprised by the force of that blow. Ranma, however, was not, and he weaved back and forth, jabbing where it would hurt when Ukyo left holes in her defense. Those holes quickly became covered when he tried however. Ukyou, he thought to himself happily, you have learned from me, haven't you? He kept that to himself though.
Ukyo saw her opening and brought the house down on Ranma with a karate (or more precisely Mutabesu Kyokou Ryuu) chop, and then whanged him on the head with an oversized combat spatula for good measure.
To his credit, Ranma did not go out cold, but he had learned when to accept defeat gracefully. Ranma held up his hands, his body language proclaiming surrender. Ukyo nodded and sheathed Out Of The Frying PanÉ on her back. Ranma got up, and they bowed to each other. Then they came closer for a hug and a pair of light kisses.
"Beautiful, Ucchan," Ranma told her. "You're getting very good. Keep that up and you'll be a force to be reckoned with."
"My word, sugar, I had no idea," Ukyo chuckled. "Am I really that good?"
Ranma laughed. "Remember how I met you? Those girls had studied the Art, from what I could see. Now you could beat all of them, all at once, like I can."
"Huh," Ukyo said, balancing a spatula on her fingers and looking at it, noticing an empty feeling in her stomach. "Are you hungry, Ranma?"
"Starving," he said.
Ukyo grinned maliciously. "You do remember our agreement, right?"
Ranma looked as though he was hurt, then drew 2,750 yen from his pocket and tossed the coins at Ukyo, who caught them gracefully. "Winner is treated to a free meal."
"Wrong," Ukyo smiled as she led Ranma towards the grill. "The winner doesn't have to pay for the meal. Hey, me and my dad have to eat too, y'know."
"They make such a wonderful pair," Taidama Kunoji sighed, looking at his daughter and Ranma, a far-off look in his eyes as the twain enjoyed their company. "And they work so well together too. It reminds me of when Kei was still with me..."
Genma smiled, and nodded, laughing merrily. "And my son has brought a supreme honor to the Saotome school," he said stiffly but happily. "Why, if he had another student like Ukyo then we could lay claim to having a school of the finest!"
"Flattery will get you everywhere, Genma," Taidama laughed. Then he grew serious. "You know, Genma, neither of us had the privilege of being in love with our fiancees before we married them."
An alarm bell went off in Genma's mind as he recalled his promise to Soun.
"You yourself have expressed a deep concern for Ukyo's welfare," Taidama continued. "And it would be a great honor to both of our families if they were to be united. By our children's marriage, I was thinking. Do you agree?"
Genma sighed, deeply. This was, to put it mildly, A Major Screw-Up. "Taidama-san," he sighed, "I... I'm sorry."
Again. "I'm truly sorry. I... I had forgotten about a similar arrangement that I had made with a very old friend of mine."
"Oh," Taidama sighed. "Then why did you..." he let the question hang in midair.
"There are two reasons. One, I didn't remember," Genma laughed, embarrasedly.
"Second... I didn't realize that Ukyo and Ranma were..."
"In love," Taidama finished. He looked over, swinging his head towards Ranma and Ukyo, and watching them argue - good naturedly, of course - over the ingredients to be added to their okonamiyaki. Then he looked back at Genma.
"You know," Taidama coughed, "I could give Ranma the cart as a wedding present."
It may have been one of the Seven Deadly Sins, in the West at least, but Genma was beginning to grin from ear to ear mentally. Never try to bribe Genma Saotome, for Genma will take the money and run...
*****
Some time passed.
Genma had his son within arms reach. He was practicing the Tenth Forum, occasionally hissing with breath and belting out Ki-Ai's. He stopped, turned, meditated out of battle mind, and turned to Genma.
"What did you want to talk with me about, Father?" Ranma asked.
Genma had the veneer of concern and regret, but his mind was sharply attuned to a devious plan. Genma sighed, eyes on the ground.
"Ranma, m'boy," he began, "I'm really sorry that I didn't tell you this before."
Ranma started, staring, eyes blinking at Genma. "Didn't tell me what?"
Genma shook his head. "Ranma... you love Ukyo, don't you?"
Ranma turned his head away and stared off into the distance. "Father, skip the rhetoric and tell me why I can't stay here and train with Ucchan."
Ouch. That kid is too perceptive for his own good, isn't he? Genma barely managed to keep his mask of sorrow on.
"That is what it is, isn't it?" Ranma asked turning back. Genma noticed the slight glistening of... tears?
He had taught his son better than that! "Boy, why are you crying!? You're a man now! Men don't cry!"
"Just tell me what it is and leave me alone!"
"Boy..." This was bad. Ranma was growing a spine, it seemed. This was very bad indeed. Genma drooped his head as if in defeat. "...I'm sorry. I realize how hard this would be for you..."
"Skip it."
Genma hissed in a shallow breath. "Ranma, I'm sorry I never told you this before..." He stopped for impact. "You're engaged, Ranma, and we have to leave to meet your fiancee."
Ranma stopped, turned, and stared. In horror. "Engaged?" Ranma gasped. "You mean that I'm..."
"You're engaged to one of the daughters of a close friend. Soun Tendo. We made the promise a long time ago, and it would be..."
"Dishonorable for us to break it." Ranma turned away, now actually crying, with little creeks beginning to run down his face. Ranma turned and ran off. "Damn you and your honorable engagement."
Genma stared, confused.
*****
It had been a long time since she had dressed up. A long time indeed. Maybe Ranma had been too absorbed in his martial arts to tell (well, he did have other interests besides that and Really Good Chow, just not as refined), but Ranma had inadvertently reminded him.
A full two years since they first met, and she had almost missed it! Oh well. The ribbon stays. Off with the vendors robe, and on with a dress.
A knock at the door. "Ukyo?" a wavering but familiar voice called from the other side of the door.
Ukyo smiled. "Come in, Ranchan."
Ranma slowly opened the door, and Ukyo took one look at his face and her smile evaporated.
He had been crying. He never cried. Never because of pain, at any rate; she did remember rough spots, arguments they had, and it was then, only in emotional trouble, did he cry. This was bad news indeed, because Ranma had an ashen look on his face.
"Ranma, what..." she began, as Ranma walked over and just held her. She hugged back, but her heart was wrenched in pain.
"Ukyo, I'm sorry. Please. I never knew about what I'm going to tell you until now, please. I'm sorry..."
Uh oh. More red flags. This was going to be very bad indeed. "Ranma, what is it?" she asked, simply.
He told her the whole story, stressing that he knew nothing of it until today.
Ukyo took one look at him and put her head in her hands and wept.
"How could your father do this to us?" Ukyo sprawled out on her bed and sobbed. "If he's ever been in..."
"With mom?" Ranma sighed. "I don't think so. From what I remember, they didn't love each other very much. They got along, but..."
Ukyo nodded assent. It was not as if her mother had really loved her father, either. Well... they did love each other, but it was... forced. "Why don't you just call off the engagement?"
Ranma sighed reeeeaally deeply. "Honor."
Ukyo looked, realized what he was saying, and nodded. "It's not fair."
"Life seldom is..." Ranma sighed.
They both held each other, and kissed, near dead certain that they wouldn't be able to again.
Ukyo felt numb. She didn't feel anger towards Genma, or towards Ranma. She felt sad, but not nearly as sad as she thought she would. Well, it did feel like her heart was being run through a blender, but that actually wasn't as bad as she imagined it. She mainly felt love towards Ranma. Ahh, yes, well, that's nice while it lasts, but both she and Ranma were now fairly certain it didn't.
*****Kami Plane*****************************************************************************************
Ucchan-Kami was curled up into a ball, sobbing herself. It was the nature of guardian Kami magic that having her ward hurt really did hurt her. And Ranma-Kami, also, was miserable.
"The course of true love never did run smooth," Tate-Kami muttered, softly, laying a hand on Ranma. "Even when the lumps were planned."
Ukyo-Kami lurched forward involuntarily, mind flooded with new memories, new emotions, and, above all, a new personality.
Love for Ranma - deep enough so that she would recognize when he was in love with someone else, and leave it alone.
Skill with the art, and a take-charge personality that would insure that she would take steps to keep Ranma and Akane together.
Openness to a new love?
"You didn't warn me that a truck full of new memories would smack me upside the head, Ranma," Ukyo-Kami smiled.
"I didn't realize that it would happen to you, too," Ranma muttered, holding his pounding head. He felt no anger anymore, not at Soun (Don't take it so hard. How could you have known about Ukyo?) or Akane (Listen, I know this is a shock to you. It was a pretty lousy shock for me, too!).
"Ahh, and true love be no less true," Kuno smiled, "When it is not your first, but a love that's new."
Akane winced. "At least that wasn't Shakespeare."
Kasumi-Kami stole worried glances at the pool, then at Ranma. "Oh, crap..." she murmured. She snapped everyone out of their reverie.
"We may have made a big mistake..." she hissed.
Everyone and stared at Kasumi in horror. Kasumi was looking pretty horrified herself.
"What do you mean?" Akane gasped.
"Look," she said, gazing into the pool...
*****Ucchan's Place, the Mortal Plane****************************************************************
Even as he gloated over his dastardly scheme, Genma was feeling this odd, hollow feeling in his chest. If he didn't know better, he would have sworn that it was guilt.
Wait a minute! It was guilt! Guilt for trying to rip apart a couple as cute as Ranma and Ukyo. Those two were sooooh sweet with each other. It was heartbreaking. Even to Genma, whose heart at this point resembled the dried apricot in the bottom of a bottle of plum wine. It was beginning to warm, as he realized what had happened. Ranma never cried. Ever. Except, of course, when he was under extreme pain...
"Kami-Sama," he asked, "Is this really worth it? Is it really worth breaking my son's heart for this?"
*****The Kami Plane***********************************************************************************
"YES IT IS!" the guardian gods and goddesses shouted in unison. "IT'S WORTH BREAKING RANMA'S HEART SO HE CAN FALL IN LOVE WITH AKANE!!!!"
"Save your breath!" Ona Tofu-Kami snapped. "Genma can't hear us, or even feel our emotions. Only our wards can!"
"We can try to make him see..." Kasumi said, "but we're all going to have to concentrate very hard!"
A dark, chill voice descended upon them all. "Oh, no you don't," it hissed. "It's time that the Dark Forces had their say..."
***********************************************END PART ONE****************************************
NEXT: Will ever Ranma meet Akane? Will Ranma and Akane get off on the wrong foot? Will Ukyo get really pissed off and swear upon her spatula to hunt Ranma to the ends of the earth? How will Ranma react to his curse? Who is this evil servant of darkness? Will Urd get fed up and become Goddess of Extremely Complicated Love Triangles? Why is Kasumi-Kami taking charge? Not to mention how Toltiir figures in all of this! Tune in for the next unedifiying episode of "...And Do It Right This Time!"
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy music.
This was made in Wanna Bet Studio's in front of a live audience of minor deities.
************************************************************************************************************
So, how do you like this fic? It was inspired by The Bet, naturally, and nods and semi-crossovers will pop up from time to time. No, not in the Mortal Plane; but imagine Kasumi-Kami asking the Dominion Sub Pantheon how to deal with a tabula rasa (blank slate) like Ranma after he goes through too much trauma. And we've already given a nod to Hearts of Ice, by the way (look for it.)
Despite the way it looks, this is canon, but questions will arise. (Not the least of which... Ukyo and Ryouga aren't canon - Ryoga and Akari are... what to DOOO, what to DOOO... Oi, have I got problems...)
Any ideas or suggestions, email me at ElliottBelser@netscape.net.
Jya Matane!
Elliott Belser
"You'll find yourself where you need to be if you have no destination in mind."
Toltiir stared, first at the pool, then at Belldandy.
"This has to be the most ridiculous alternate Ryoga I have seen in my life."
...And Do It Right This Time!
Urd: HEEElooh. Just warped in from your T.V. set to interrupt your regularly scheduled program. Elliott Belser does not claim copyright to any of these characters; copyright belongs to... whoever owns them. And, oh, yes, this is for entertainment value only. No money will be made in the making of this fanfic. Assuming we can shut up Nabiki, that is.
*****Kami Plane*****************************************************************************************
Ranma-Kami looked down on the scene through the Crystal of Time in dismay. This time the fix should have worked! But instead, there lay Ranma-Kami's ward, transfixed with a sword through his throat. His eyes stared in blank horror at his assassin... who was being cut down a long line of vengeful fiancees. Akane-Kami turned her head away from the Crystal, unable to watch, and Tate-Kami stared on in shock. Ranma-Kami shut off the Crystal of Time.
"Okay," he brooded, "Now I'm prepared to admit you shouldn't trifle with Kuno. Or, at least, if you're a mortal you shouldn't trifle with him."
"I told you so," Ryouga-Kami crowed. Ten steely glances pinned him to his seat, where he just blinked and slunk into a ball.
"Oh, what a fool my mortal side be!" Tate-Kami croaked out. "Perhaps there is some way that I could give him actual intelligence before the fact."
Nabi-Kami shook her head. "We tried that, remember?" Nabi-Kami paused, then gave a hawkish grin. "Not that my ward didn't enjoy having you around."
What they had tried was making the mortal Kuno fall in love with the mortal Nabiki. Why? It was quite simple. This prevented The Fight from breaking out between Kuno and Akane. It had worked beautifully... but Akane's already mediocre skills were ruined without the constant practice The Fight gave her. She had been a sitting duck when Kodachi went on the warpath. They didn't even think of keeping tabs on the self-styled Black Rose until it was too late... and this time Kuno didn't have a reason to intervene.
"Maybe you could try to make me not a problem?" Ryouga-Kami suggested. "By trying a Ryouga-Ukyou fix?"
"Not a bad move, sug," Ucchan-Kami replied. "Two problems at once. And my ward could use some fun..."
Ranma-Kami grabbed Ryouga-Kami by his metaphysical back. "P-Chan," he began, "We tried an Akari-Ryouga fix. We thought it would keep you off of our backs, and happy at the same time. After all, that's our job." Ranma-Kami's grip grew tighter. "As I remember, A-KA-RI UN-RYU-I," he snarled, "A-KA-RI UN-RYU-I, who doesn't even live in Nerima, became my ward's fiancee! Thanks to your ward, Ranma-Kun became the remains of a Wounded Lions Roar lighted log! An Ukyo-Ryouga fix would be even more disastrous."
"I forgot," Ryouga-Kami hissed. "Give me a break! Maybe we should try a Ukyou-Mousse fix."
"We did try fixing up my ward and Ucchan-Kami's," Mousse-Kami reminded him. "Shortest fix we ever tried."
Shyian-Kami suppressed a deep blush. At least that had proved to them that setting up Shyian P'u and Mu Zhao was worthwhile. Even Shyian-Kami was surprised at her ward's raging jealousy...
"Do you mind if I decide who I'm fixed up with, Ryochan?" Ucchan-Kami asked politely.
"How many fixes have we gone through?" Akane-Kami asked.
Ranma-Kami looked at the figures and sighed. "I got killed 37 times by The Dark One alone, 21 by Cologne. Mousse killed me five times, Ryouga three, Pantyhose twice. This is the first time Kuno killed me, and in a particularly subtle fix of Shyian-Kami's design, the Cat of Shadow killed me." Ranma-Kami sighed again. "As for you... 21 kills by The Dark One. 17 by Cologne. 6 by Shyian P'u. Kodachi, twice. Ukyo, once. Saffron, twice..." Ranma threw the quantum calculator into the wall in disgust. It disappeared. "We're gettin' nowhere fast," he said. "We have to start over. Again."
Everyone looked at a green hared young woman with a gnarled staff with hope. She shook her head.
"I have no ideas, child," Cologne-Kami said. "Does anyone else have an idea?"
"Maybe we should hire a marriage counselor," Nabi-Kami cracked. Naturally, there was no money in the Kami-Plane. The very idea was sill...
Nabi-Kami turned that thought over in her head. There was someone whose ward became a psychologist in the room. In fact, her ward and her ward's lover was the only couple that flocked to each other of their own accord in the mortal plane! No doubt because of some subtle fix... after all, her lover's ward ran away the first time the scene unfolded. But every single time after that, the relationship worked.
"A marriage counselor," Nabi-Kami repeated. "How about the healer's guardian? Kasumi, you and Ono always managed to stay together. Mind rubbing a little of that Zen wisdom of yours off on us?"
"Well..." a voice that had stayed out of the situation until now started.
All eyes turned to the only couple that had any stability in the mortal world. One wore the robes of a healer, the other a kitchen kimono and a nurses hat. They were quiet... dignified. They only gave opinions when asked, and then made them suggestions, not orders.
"Well what, Kasumi-Kami?" Ranma asked softly, an impossible hope building up.
"Go on, dear," the healer encouraged.
"Well..." Kasumi-Kami took a deep breath. "I think that the work we're doing has come too late..."
Ranma-Kami started. This had never occurred to any of the pantheon.
"I agree," Ono-Kami added. "Major psychological damage has been done to the main player here, and to many of the others."
"Jyusenkyo," Ranma-Kami supplied.
"The Cat's Claw attack," Kasumi-Kami corrected.
Ranma started again.
"The Nekoken?" he asked weakly.
Kasumi nodded. "Think about it. Why are you so unsure of your masculinity, as a mortal? Why so chauvinistic? I think that it was a mental defense for you to become so obtuse."
"Mental is right," Nabi-Kami cracked.
"Emotional, then." Ona-Kami clarified. "Only it backfired."
"Whoa! Whoa! Back up!" Ranma shook his head. "I'm not sure that a time jump that far back would be acceptable to Kamisama!"
Akane-Kami shook her head. "This would be a two-day energy drain, and if we can fix the timeline, it's worth it. The history of the world depends on Ranma and I being alive and in love, so what's a couple of days more to Doomsday?"
There was a long pause.
"Well..." Ranma-Kami thought about it. "I'm not sure that Urd can authorize this kind of an energy allocation, but we'll ask."
****Yggdrasil*********************************************************************************************
Urd's job sucked.
The reprimand she had gotten from trying to help her sister 'advance a base' sucked even worse. She had to spend seven Damned years on the mortal plane, putting up Skuld's incessant chatter and Belldandy's mortal boyfriend, and to top it off she was laid off from her former job programming the Yggdrasil Ultimate Force. It was enough for her to envy Mara's position.
Now she was stuck with the Rumiko pantheon, a bunch of Japanese gods trying to fix the love lives of important players in the Battle Against Entropy. Lum-Kami wasn't too bad, having a ward with supernatural powers. Godai-Kami and Kyoko-Kami were in control of mortals, but at least they were sane.
But the Mermaid immortals... they were ominous. Their wards had death wishes like you wouldn't believe. Ataru-Kami was a pervert. The nun's guardian was disgustingly naive. Cherry-Kami and Sakura-Kami were idiots beyond compare.
And the One Half sub-pantheon... well, they were complete losers.
They had failed at least seventy (count em') seventy times to make the main players of their wards survive until their wedding day. They had lost two years of power. The only thing that kept Urd from borrowing the M-Thread Unraveler and putting them out of their misery was the fact that Skuld owned the M-Thread Unraveler (cleverly disguised as a hammer), and she wasn't going to waste it on someone who was, technically, an ally. Urd sometimes wished she was a goddess of war, like Athena. Now there was a bigshot!
A soft BAMF filled the air. Urd looked up to see that the One Halves had jinxed it again.
"Ranma-Kun. Only your second time the subjective week." Urd grinned and stiffened her back, putting herself in a provocative pose. "Not bad, considering it's you."
"Shut up, you jackass."
"You shut up, spatula wielding moron. I'd say you were as destructive as Cherry, but I don't want to insult Cherry."
"How dare you talk to a friend of mine that way!? I'LL KILL YOU!"
"Save it, Shamps, you ain't gonna solve our problems this way," Ranma-Kami moaned. "Listen, I think I have a way to save Ranma and company, but we're gonna need a bigger energy allocation."
Urd's voice hit higher C. "A BIGGER ALLOCATION!?" she shrieked. "You have lost more energy working on this problem then anyone else has! Even Lum managed to fix her timeline, over budget, maybe, but she FIXED it. You are complete losers!" Urd howled. "How am I supposed to authorize this kind of energy use?!"
"Calm down, calm down!" Ranma-Kami pleaded. "To fix the problem, we're going to have to jump to my ward's childhood. It's only two days worth of energy!"
"Two days," Urd echoed.
"Right."
"Only two days." Urd echoed again.
"Yes. For a six-year time jump."
Urd turned away. "Forget it."
Ranma-Kami bit his lip. He was about to give a tirade, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him. He turned.
"Allow me," Kasumi-Kami requested. "Urd, I understand your position on this, but we need that energy, or we'll fail again."
"And if you have the energy, it's gonna fix the problem?" Urd hissed.
Kasumi-Kami sighed. "Possibly," she admitted. "But I have a plan. If it works, this will be the only time jump we need to make."
Urd's ears perked up. "This is going to be the last time?"
Kasumi looked at Ranma, hesitant. He hissed in a ragged breath, then nodded. Kasumi turned to Urd. "We haven't got anything to lose," she said, nodding.
A pink sphere of power in a crystalline shell floated over to Kasumi. It was a powerpack for the Crystal of time - but much brighter and more brilliant then any that Kasumi had seen. Ranma, too.
"Fine, but only because you remind me of my sister." Urd said. "I've given you enough energy for your needs. In return, you will never ask for a refill. Capish?" she demanded.
"We will not trouble you again." Kasumi-Kami replied, bowing. "Thank you."
"Get out of my sight," Urd demanded.
Kasumi joined the rest of the One Half gods. With a flash and a crack, they were gone. Urd sighed with pleasure. Now, she had some peace.
There was a BAMPH.
"Hey, Urd-Chan!" a lecherous voice cackled.
"Get back here, Moroboshi-Kami!" another voice yelled, followed by an unmistakable 'ZAKK!' sound.
"That shadow on his face... is hideous today," a short god remarked.
Urd groaned and leaned forward. It looked like another long day.
******Kami Plane****************************************************************************************
"All right," Kasumi-Kami said, rubbing her hands together. "We have a definite eight-year plan of action. I wasn't kidding when I said I had a plan, but some of it is going to have to be played by ear."
Gone was the weak, "Oh My!" spouting young woman. In her stead stood a goddess radiating leadership.
Ranma-Kami agreed. "Understood, Kasumi."
Kasumi-Kami grinned, widely. "We only have one shot at this," she reminded them, "so we have to do our job perfectly. No slips." She looked them square in the eye. "We have to start over... and do it right this time!"
She turned to Ranma-Kami. "Ranma. Get over here, next to the Crystal. Ukyou, you come here too. You're going to be needed soon. Ryouga, stay back until you're needed. I don't need your anger distorting the crystal." Everybody obeyed her, although Ryouga-Kami shot a sour look at her before doing so. Kasumi slipped the powerpack in, and the Crystal of Time began to glow, a pool of water within becoming luminescent. Kasumi took a small stone, etched the word "Our Last Bet" on it, and threw it into the pool, which rippled and dispelled the image of Kuno being beat on by a hysterical Akane.
"Oh Crystal of time," she droned, "Oh magic of the gods, take us back to a time when Ranma was just a child. Take us back to the time just before Genma taught him the Nekoken..."
*****Somewhere in Japan, The Mortal World*******************************************************
This technique... looked POWERFUL.
Genma licked his lips with glee. The Claw of the Cat! The very name evoked power. Power his son should surely have.
After all, wasn't his son the heir to the Saotome School of Indiscriminate Grappling, a branch of the illustrious Anything Goes School?
Genma could very well have closed the book right then and there. In fact, he really had no idea why he didn't. He just knew that he had to turn the page and read on...
Genma stared. My GOD! he thought to himself. The technique had a terrible price. In fact, it said there that the only reason that anyone would teach using the preferred method was because same person was a complete moron. Genma closed the book, in sadness. Perhaps, he mused, he could find a more safe way of teaching Ranma the Nekoken later. He got up and into fighting position
"Ranma!" he called out. "Time for another lesson. Today we learn... the Raging Tornado Form!"
"I'm coming! Ready or not!" a voice called, and soon the owner of that voice was barreling feet-first at Genma.
*****The Kami Plane************************************************************************************
The One-Halves whooped in joy. The scene had played like a Swiss watch! There was GENMA, the most obtuse man in the known universe, actually doing something INTELLIGENT. All because of three people concentrating intently on the images in the pool.
First Kasumi, then Ranma and Ukyo, stopped their concentration. Kasumi let out a deep sigh of relief, walking away from the crystal. Ranma and Ukyo gave their respective Fiancees the thumbs-up... Right before Ranma stooped over in shock.
New thoughts... new memories... reshaped his mind. He could feel his own ego melting away into something more manageable. He smiled at the end.
"It worked," he croaked. "His... My ego is being reshaped into something... less intimidating," he smiled. Then an ugly thought occurred to him, which dampened his mood considerably.
"Kasumi!" he cried in despair. "If I never learn that Genma is not to be trusted, I'm dead!"
"I thought of that already," Kasumi grinned. "All we have to do is... modify your early relationship with Ukyo to the point where you are shocked and angry with Genma at it's conclusion."
"What are you talking about?" Ukyo asked, before realizing.
"Simple." Kasumi looked up at Ranma and Ukyo, then held up her pinky in the Japanese gesture for lovers. "What better way to make Ranma hate his father then by having Genma break his heart?"
There was an uproar. Ucchan-Kami and Ranma-Kami looked at each other with confused expressions. Akane fumed. Ryouga looked at Kasumi with a She's my Fiancee - touch her and I'll kill you! stare. Shyian, Nabi, Tate and Mousse-Kami wore stupefied expressions.
"The fate of our universe depends on Ranma and I being in love," Akane-Kami hissed at her quantum sister.
"I know."
All turned to Kasumi-Kami, who had a stare more akin to Nabi-Kami's ward then her own. "Trust me, the relationship will not be permanent. First, we have to delay their meeting to when Ranma is a teenager. Then, here's what we're going to do..."
*****Okinawa, Japan - The Mortal Plane************************************************************
Ukyo was bruised and battered The group of girls around her were hissing with homophobic venom Why her? she wondered. She wasn't a lesbian! And yet her style of clothing seemed to confirm that she was irredeemably perverted.
Homosexuality is not an idea that goes over well in Japan, as Ukyo was learning the hard way.
"How do you like that, you dyke?!" one of the girls hissed, kicking her... ahh, shall we say where it hurt the most. "Where's your girlfriend to save you, Spatula boy?"
"Tsubasa... is not... my girlfriend," Ukyo moaned.
"Then what the hell is she?" another one of the homophobes demanded.
Ranma and Genma were walking past this when they overheard the next part. The power of coincidence (or perhaps meddling Kami's) had brought them here.
"An annoying... pervert... that keeps chasing after me!" a voice screamed.
"What was that?!" Ranma asked his father, the blood of samurai past beginning to boil in his veins.
"Face it, Ukyo, you ain't nothin' but perverted Eta trash," a sharp hiss carried over.
"I am not Eta! And I'm not a pervert! Please stop..." the first voice moaned.
"Okay, that does it," Ranma snarled, dropping his pack. "Whoever's being hurt, I have to help!"
Genma looked at him. "Why?" he asked, puzzled.
Ranma looked up, equally confused. "Daddy, you said that it's a martial artists duty to protect those that can't defend themselves!" he reminded him.
"Oh! I did say that, didn't I?" Genma smiled, thinking of the reward he would be given. And it would be a nice reward. "Then go fulfill your duty as a martial artist!" he commanded.
Meanwhile, Ukyo moaned. It hurt! What did she do?
Ranma looked on in disgust. Four girls were beating up on a boy... no, he looked again. It was a girl in a Yattai-owners clothing. Ranma instantly concluded that they thought she was a pervert because of her mode of dress. His knuckles whitened. Eta -lower then even merchants in Japanese society - had saved his life. He had fought girls more capable then his father in combat, lost badly, and learned from their techniques. No way would he let this girl get hurt because she wore male clothing!
"Leave her alone!" Ranma demanded, striding towards the group.
Ukyo looked up in shock to see a brief glimpse of a teenaged boy in a filthy gi running to her aid, before her head was pushed down into the dirt by one of the girls.
"What's it to you?" one of the bullies snarled.
"It isn't fair for you to beat up on her!" Ranma snarled. "Just because she doesn't wear dresses doesn't make her some kind of a pervert!" He cracked his knuckles. "You want to leave quietly, or do you need more convincing?"
The girls leaped at Ranma. In around fifteen seconds, they were mumbling about the price of Pocky and laying in prone positions (Take THAT, Bugs Meany!). Ranma looked around, and shouted, "Let that be a lesson to you," before crouching near the bruised girl.
Ranma hissed out a breath. "Uhh... are you okay?" he asked softly, eyes looking over her wounds with concern.
Ukyo was trying her best to be glib. "...Not much worse for the wear," she joked. "I don't think they'll bother us again..." She tried to get up, only to find she had a splitting headache. She moaned and collapsed on the floor.
"It doesn't look too serious," Ranma said. "Would you like me to help you up?" he asked.
"Yeah..."
Ranma grabbed her hand and hoisted her up in one swift, powerful maneuver, and they just stood there for a moment, utterly still, looking at each other.
Ukyo was the one to break the silence. "That was... incredible!" Ukyo breathed. "How were you able to take out all four at the same time?"
Ranma had to gather his wits before answering. "My father teaches the Anything Goes style of martial arts. One of the things it deals with is multiple opponents."
"Umm..." Ukyo took a deep breath. "Would you... would you mind teaching me?" she asked.
"I'd love to," Ranma smiled. "Oh, I'm sorry for being rude... my name's Ranma. What's yours?"
"U...Ukyo." she smiled.
Ranma nodded. Now he understood. "That's a boy's name."
Ukyo turned away. "My father wanted a boy... hence the getup."
"I get the idea," Ranma said, smiling at her. "Why don't you show me where you live?"
Ukyo smiled, and she did.
*****Kami Plane*****************************************************************************************
"I don't get it," Tate-Kami said, puzzled.
Ono-Kami withdrew one pace and stood at attention. "Basic psychology. Women seek those who can comfort them, and be there for them, and be with them during good times and bad. In short... they fall in love with those who could be friends."
Tate-Kami, Shyian-Kami, and Ryouga-Kami looked with a _You have to be kidding_ stare, as all of the other female guardian gods nodded vigorously in agreement.
Mousse looked into the pool, digesting this new piece of insight. "With... with those who could be their friends. Of course. That is why Shampoo... shrank from me."
"Love's always compared to heat, sugar," Ukyo-Kami winked. "You go chasing into a forest fire, you get yourself hurt."
Kasumi smiled. "You see?" She gave a "come hither" stare to Ono, who went thither. "Think, kami, think back to the first timeline. On the first divergence and each one thereafter, I had struck up a casual friendship with Ono-Chan."
"I keep expecting her to call him 'muffin' any minute," Ranma-kami whispered to Akane-kami.
"I heard that." Kasumi stuck out her tongue at Ranma. "It allowed him more control in my presence, each and every other time. And I... ahem, my ward picked up on the feelings and responded in turn. The rest was history, as the poet says."
"Shakespeare," Kuno remarked, as everyone else tried to recall. In sudden clarity, Ranma did, and nodded.
"Is it really that simple?" Ranma-Kami asked, wide-eyed.
"Watch," Kasumi smiled, stirring the pool. "And concentrate on that thought."
*****Ucchan's Place, Japan, The Mortal Plane*****************************************************
"Ukyo, you have to work on your defense, you know."
Ukyo shot Ranma a withering glare, which melted away when she saw Ranma's serious expression. He meant no harm. He simply... wished her to be the best she could, on par with himself. What with Ranma being a martial arts-_otaku_, his standards were very high, and he challenged Ukyo to reach them. Daily.
They had made a bet to that effect; the winner of the sparring contest would treat the victor to lunch. Ranma was keenly interested in learning how to cook, too, and asked if he could help sometimes. When asked why, he muttered something about "Genma being a real gourmet." So she let him help. It was really very cute, and Ranma was a fast learner.
Ranma must truly care for her, Ukyo mused, as she got out the equipment and Ranma got out the ingredients. Care a great deal, indeed...
"Shrimp on yours?" she teased, knowing what was coming next.
"I prefer pork, actually." Ranma said, as always, right on cue.
"Suit yourself," she shrugged as she took the ingredients and started to group them together. "You do the chopping while I mix this stuff up."
Ranma bowed and did as he was bidden, stopping only to look at Ukyo for a few seconds, then tearing himself away and starting to chop.
Tearing himself away from looking at her.
Ukyo could have kicked herself for not realizing it sooner. The kindness. The stolen glances. The training sessions, and his trying so hard to help her become the martial artist she wanted to. It should have been obvious.
That boy loved her, heart and soul. And bless me if there wasn't a space in Ukyo's heart to return that love.
*****Kami Plane*****************************************************************************************
Ukyo-Kami reeled from the awakened, redolent feelings. "My god. That powerful..."
"You see?" Kasumi lay a hand on Ukyo's back lovingly. "All it takes is a little friendship, a little kindness, and... pouf! You're in love. Forget being swept off of your feet by a flamboyant declaration, the realization you love someone is far grander."
Ranma snapped out of his torpor, head aswim with thoughts of Ukyo both honorable and hentai, and shook his head to clear it. "Whoa," he gasped. "Whaddaya know, that actually worked."
Ono heard, and laughed heartily.
*****Ucchan's Place, Japan, As Seen Through the Pool******************************************
Images. Connected, and yet disjointed. All of two people; Ukyo and Ranma.
Of fights, punctuated with steel on steel - ichijmoni clashing against bracer as they sparred, stray sweat beads sparkling like jewels in the sun, Ranma's words of encouragement and of retort, and Ukyo's wry responses. Perhaps it was flirting, perhaps not. One could never tell, not even kami.
Of Ranma and Ukyo just talking, of Ranma and Ukyo hanging on to every word the other said, offering advice, and insight, and support. Some very wise people attribute this attentiveness to the first stage, known affectionately as "The 'Isn't it amazing that we both love cheese!' stage."
Of arguments, of hard feelings, of yells and shrieks and cries, of two seemingly irreconcilable forces facing each other. And yet always reconciling, and always ending up more sure that this, indeed, was no fluke.
Of Ranma looking at Ukyo, and Ukyo looking at Ranma.
Ranma opened his mouth to say The Three Words, but Ukyo silenced him with one finger on his lips. Talking? Talking is for people who don't share this deep bond. They didn't need to say it, they KNEW it.
Their eyes met.
Their lips met.
They knew for a fact that they were in love.
*****Kami Plane*****************************************************************************************
Akane's eyes were as sharp as razors, and so was her voice as both cut deeply into Ranma and Ukyo's guardian kami. "This is just so heartwarming it makes me SICK TO MY STOMACH!"
"Save it!" Ranma shrieked. "Oi. This... whoah. I need to sit down."
Kasumi Brought two chairs from Hammerspace and helped Ranma and Ukyo to them. "Really, Akane, you should have more faith in my methods."
*****Ucchan's Place, Japan, The Mortal Plane*****************************************************
Turn. Advance. Block. Strike. Strike again. Block, dodge, sweep, then unleash the Twin Flames strike. Block... Oops! Too slow. Okay, that kind of hurt.
Ukyo ignored it, as much as she could ignore it. Genma and Ranma had said many times that pain was information. It was not news of a disaster that would make one stop. Ukyo kept on fighting. She switched, on and off, to Anything Goes Unarmed Martial Arts and Culinary Fighting Arts.
Ukyo smiled. She had always been a rather good cook. Okonamiyaki was the dish she did best, although she could improvise and make other (quite tasty) dishes on occasion. It was only natural that a cooking nut like her would adapt a weapon more suitable for whipping up what Westerners described as an odd mix between a pancake and a slice of shrimp pizza then for making pate de samurai.
Not that pizza in the west had shrimp on it. Ukyo pressed on with the attack, slamming her spatula into Ranma hard.
Most martial artists would be surprised by the force of that blow. Ranma, however, was not, and he weaved back and forth, jabbing where it would hurt when Ukyo left holes in her defense. Those holes quickly became covered when he tried however. Ukyou, he thought to himself happily, you have learned from me, haven't you? He kept that to himself though.
Ukyo saw her opening and brought the house down on Ranma with a karate (or more precisely Mutabesu Kyokou Ryuu) chop, and then whanged him on the head with an oversized combat spatula for good measure.
To his credit, Ranma did not go out cold, but he had learned when to accept defeat gracefully. Ranma held up his hands, his body language proclaiming surrender. Ukyo nodded and sheathed Out Of The Frying PanÉ on her back. Ranma got up, and they bowed to each other. Then they came closer for a hug and a pair of light kisses.
"Beautiful, Ucchan," Ranma told her. "You're getting very good. Keep that up and you'll be a force to be reckoned with."
"My word, sugar, I had no idea," Ukyo chuckled. "Am I really that good?"
Ranma laughed. "Remember how I met you? Those girls had studied the Art, from what I could see. Now you could beat all of them, all at once, like I can."
"Huh," Ukyo said, balancing a spatula on her fingers and looking at it, noticing an empty feeling in her stomach. "Are you hungry, Ranma?"
"Starving," he said.
Ukyo grinned maliciously. "You do remember our agreement, right?"
Ranma looked as though he was hurt, then drew 2,750 yen from his pocket and tossed the coins at Ukyo, who caught them gracefully. "Winner is treated to a free meal."
"Wrong," Ukyo smiled as she led Ranma towards the grill. "The winner doesn't have to pay for the meal. Hey, me and my dad have to eat too, y'know."
"They make such a wonderful pair," Taidama Kunoji sighed, looking at his daughter and Ranma, a far-off look in his eyes as the twain enjoyed their company. "And they work so well together too. It reminds me of when Kei was still with me..."
Genma smiled, and nodded, laughing merrily. "And my son has brought a supreme honor to the Saotome school," he said stiffly but happily. "Why, if he had another student like Ukyo then we could lay claim to having a school of the finest!"
"Flattery will get you everywhere, Genma," Taidama laughed. Then he grew serious. "You know, Genma, neither of us had the privilege of being in love with our fiancees before we married them."
An alarm bell went off in Genma's mind as he recalled his promise to Soun.
"You yourself have expressed a deep concern for Ukyo's welfare," Taidama continued. "And it would be a great honor to both of our families if they were to be united. By our children's marriage, I was thinking. Do you agree?"
Genma sighed, deeply. This was, to put it mildly, A Major Screw-Up. "Taidama-san," he sighed, "I... I'm sorry."
Again. "I'm truly sorry. I... I had forgotten about a similar arrangement that I had made with a very old friend of mine."
"Oh," Taidama sighed. "Then why did you..." he let the question hang in midair.
"There are two reasons. One, I didn't remember," Genma laughed, embarrasedly.
"Second... I didn't realize that Ukyo and Ranma were..."
"In love," Taidama finished. He looked over, swinging his head towards Ranma and Ukyo, and watching them argue - good naturedly, of course - over the ingredients to be added to their okonamiyaki. Then he looked back at Genma.
"You know," Taidama coughed, "I could give Ranma the cart as a wedding present."
It may have been one of the Seven Deadly Sins, in the West at least, but Genma was beginning to grin from ear to ear mentally. Never try to bribe Genma Saotome, for Genma will take the money and run...
*****
Some time passed.
Genma had his son within arms reach. He was practicing the Tenth Forum, occasionally hissing with breath and belting out Ki-Ai's. He stopped, turned, meditated out of battle mind, and turned to Genma.
"What did you want to talk with me about, Father?" Ranma asked.
Genma had the veneer of concern and regret, but his mind was sharply attuned to a devious plan. Genma sighed, eyes on the ground.
"Ranma, m'boy," he began, "I'm really sorry that I didn't tell you this before."
Ranma started, staring, eyes blinking at Genma. "Didn't tell me what?"
Genma shook his head. "Ranma... you love Ukyo, don't you?"
Ranma turned his head away and stared off into the distance. "Father, skip the rhetoric and tell me why I can't stay here and train with Ucchan."
Ouch. That kid is too perceptive for his own good, isn't he? Genma barely managed to keep his mask of sorrow on.
"That is what it is, isn't it?" Ranma asked turning back. Genma noticed the slight glistening of... tears?
He had taught his son better than that! "Boy, why are you crying!? You're a man now! Men don't cry!"
"Just tell me what it is and leave me alone!"
"Boy..." This was bad. Ranma was growing a spine, it seemed. This was very bad indeed. Genma drooped his head as if in defeat. "...I'm sorry. I realize how hard this would be for you..."
"Skip it."
Genma hissed in a shallow breath. "Ranma, I'm sorry I never told you this before..." He stopped for impact. "You're engaged, Ranma, and we have to leave to meet your fiancee."
Ranma stopped, turned, and stared. In horror. "Engaged?" Ranma gasped. "You mean that I'm..."
"You're engaged to one of the daughters of a close friend. Soun Tendo. We made the promise a long time ago, and it would be..."
"Dishonorable for us to break it." Ranma turned away, now actually crying, with little creeks beginning to run down his face. Ranma turned and ran off. "Damn you and your honorable engagement."
Genma stared, confused.
*****
It had been a long time since she had dressed up. A long time indeed. Maybe Ranma had been too absorbed in his martial arts to tell (well, he did have other interests besides that and Really Good Chow, just not as refined), but Ranma had inadvertently reminded him.
A full two years since they first met, and she had almost missed it! Oh well. The ribbon stays. Off with the vendors robe, and on with a dress.
A knock at the door. "Ukyo?" a wavering but familiar voice called from the other side of the door.
Ukyo smiled. "Come in, Ranchan."
Ranma slowly opened the door, and Ukyo took one look at his face and her smile evaporated.
He had been crying. He never cried. Never because of pain, at any rate; she did remember rough spots, arguments they had, and it was then, only in emotional trouble, did he cry. This was bad news indeed, because Ranma had an ashen look on his face.
"Ranma, what..." she began, as Ranma walked over and just held her. She hugged back, but her heart was wrenched in pain.
"Ukyo, I'm sorry. Please. I never knew about what I'm going to tell you until now, please. I'm sorry..."
Uh oh. More red flags. This was going to be very bad indeed. "Ranma, what is it?" she asked, simply.
He told her the whole story, stressing that he knew nothing of it until today.
Ukyo took one look at him and put her head in her hands and wept.
"How could your father do this to us?" Ukyo sprawled out on her bed and sobbed. "If he's ever been in..."
"With mom?" Ranma sighed. "I don't think so. From what I remember, they didn't love each other very much. They got along, but..."
Ukyo nodded assent. It was not as if her mother had really loved her father, either. Well... they did love each other, but it was... forced. "Why don't you just call off the engagement?"
Ranma sighed reeeeaally deeply. "Honor."
Ukyo looked, realized what he was saying, and nodded. "It's not fair."
"Life seldom is..." Ranma sighed.
They both held each other, and kissed, near dead certain that they wouldn't be able to again.
Ukyo felt numb. She didn't feel anger towards Genma, or towards Ranma. She felt sad, but not nearly as sad as she thought she would. Well, it did feel like her heart was being run through a blender, but that actually wasn't as bad as she imagined it. She mainly felt love towards Ranma. Ahh, yes, well, that's nice while it lasts, but both she and Ranma were now fairly certain it didn't.
*****Kami Plane*****************************************************************************************
Ucchan-Kami was curled up into a ball, sobbing herself. It was the nature of guardian Kami magic that having her ward hurt really did hurt her. And Ranma-Kami, also, was miserable.
"The course of true love never did run smooth," Tate-Kami muttered, softly, laying a hand on Ranma. "Even when the lumps were planned."
Ukyo-Kami lurched forward involuntarily, mind flooded with new memories, new emotions, and, above all, a new personality.
Love for Ranma - deep enough so that she would recognize when he was in love with someone else, and leave it alone.
Skill with the art, and a take-charge personality that would insure that she would take steps to keep Ranma and Akane together.
Openness to a new love?
"You didn't warn me that a truck full of new memories would smack me upside the head, Ranma," Ukyo-Kami smiled.
"I didn't realize that it would happen to you, too," Ranma muttered, holding his pounding head. He felt no anger anymore, not at Soun (Don't take it so hard. How could you have known about Ukyo?) or Akane (Listen, I know this is a shock to you. It was a pretty lousy shock for me, too!).
"Ahh, and true love be no less true," Kuno smiled, "When it is not your first, but a love that's new."
Akane winced. "At least that wasn't Shakespeare."
Kasumi-Kami stole worried glances at the pool, then at Ranma. "Oh, crap..." she murmured. She snapped everyone out of their reverie.
"We may have made a big mistake..." she hissed.
Everyone and stared at Kasumi in horror. Kasumi was looking pretty horrified herself.
"What do you mean?" Akane gasped.
"Look," she said, gazing into the pool...
*****Ucchan's Place, the Mortal Plane****************************************************************
Even as he gloated over his dastardly scheme, Genma was feeling this odd, hollow feeling in his chest. If he didn't know better, he would have sworn that it was guilt.
Wait a minute! It was guilt! Guilt for trying to rip apart a couple as cute as Ranma and Ukyo. Those two were sooooh sweet with each other. It was heartbreaking. Even to Genma, whose heart at this point resembled the dried apricot in the bottom of a bottle of plum wine. It was beginning to warm, as he realized what had happened. Ranma never cried. Ever. Except, of course, when he was under extreme pain...
"Kami-Sama," he asked, "Is this really worth it? Is it really worth breaking my son's heart for this?"
*****The Kami Plane***********************************************************************************
"YES IT IS!" the guardian gods and goddesses shouted in unison. "IT'S WORTH BREAKING RANMA'S HEART SO HE CAN FALL IN LOVE WITH AKANE!!!!"
"Save your breath!" Ona Tofu-Kami snapped. "Genma can't hear us, or even feel our emotions. Only our wards can!"
"We can try to make him see..." Kasumi said, "but we're all going to have to concentrate very hard!"
A dark, chill voice descended upon them all. "Oh, no you don't," it hissed. "It's time that the Dark Forces had their say..."
***********************************************END PART ONE****************************************
NEXT: Will ever Ranma meet Akane? Will Ranma and Akane get off on the wrong foot? Will Ukyo get really pissed off and swear upon her spatula to hunt Ranma to the ends of the earth? How will Ranma react to his curse? Who is this evil servant of darkness? Will Urd get fed up and become Goddess of Extremely Complicated Love Triangles? Why is Kasumi-Kami taking charge? Not to mention how Toltiir figures in all of this! Tune in for the next unedifiying episode of "...And Do It Right This Time!"
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy music.
This was made in Wanna Bet Studio's in front of a live audience of minor deities.
************************************************************************************************************
So, how do you like this fic? It was inspired by The Bet, naturally, and nods and semi-crossovers will pop up from time to time. No, not in the Mortal Plane; but imagine Kasumi-Kami asking the Dominion Sub Pantheon how to deal with a tabula rasa (blank slate) like Ranma after he goes through too much trauma. And we've already given a nod to Hearts of Ice, by the way (look for it.)
Despite the way it looks, this is canon, but questions will arise. (Not the least of which... Ukyo and Ryouga aren't canon - Ryoga and Akari are... what to DOOO, what to DOOO... Oi, have I got problems...)
Any ideas or suggestions, email me at ElliottBelser@netscape.net.
Jya Matane!
Elliott Belser
"You'll find yourself where you need to be if you have no destination in mind."
Toltiir stared, first at the pool, then at Belldandy.
"This has to be the most ridiculous alternate Ryoga I have seen in my life."