DISCLAIMER: I don't own Discworld or any of its characters (but if the kind Terry Pratchett wants to give them to me then I wont say no!) but I do own one character here. Guess who.

This is a continuation of the Lunatics threads hopefully it will be worthwhile, but Ill let you guys be the judge of that.

Do please enjoy!

Munstrum Ridcully looked up from the pool table.

 'What in hells that?'

 'Shouting,' Ponder replied sourly. He'd only come up to ask if the Archchancellor had looked at his proposal for upgrading Hex. Since then he had been shouted at, deliberately misunderstood, had a pool cue shoved in his hand and been forced to stand and watch as Ridcully preformed trick shot after trick shot while going on about how today's young wizards hadn't a clue. Such things sour /anyone's/ temper.

Ridcully went to the door and drew a deep breath. 'BUUUUURRRRRRSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!' he bellowed. Less than three seconds went by before the Bursar –the Unseen University's in-house neuovore- appeared, a tic already having a party under one eye.

 'You wanted something?' he asked. (1) Ponder peered around the Archchancellor.

 'What happened to your hat?' he asked in bafflement. As everyone knew, a wizard simply wasn't a wizard without the obligatory pointy hat and as such the senior wizards frequently slept, bathed and everything else with them as due to the Uncertainty Principle, they argued, they might very well /not/ be wizards if they didn't. (2) /Technically/ the Bursars hat was still on the Bursars head. Parts of the brim and crown anyway. Well, threads of the crown and not much better of the brim really. But the hat /was/ on the head when whatever it was that happened happened and as such it was still on the head due to the fact that a months work with a scrubbing brush couldn't remove what the pointy hat had become.

 'Fireball,' the Bursar said shortly. 'There's a woman downstairs.'

 'Haven't you boys ever seen a woman before?' Ridcully asked, puzzled. 'Waste of good fireballs that.'

 'Yes Archchancellor,' Ponder said calmly, eyeing the non-twitching Bursar carefully. 'But something tells me that this is worth looking into.' (3)

(1) The Bursar usually operates in a range of dimensions only accessible to most people through copious use of alcohol, hallucinogens and small mushrooms growing on sides of hills that locals shamans only touch after a year of abstinence. The fact that he was not only present enough in the "normal" world to answer the Archchancellor coherently but to be sarcastic at the same time would have been very worrying if the other wizards attentions weren't caught by something even more worrying.

(2) While this theory has ample room for a non-magical person to poke holes in, inside the U.U's walls on Discworld where reality is full of badly patched holes anyway enough Wizards believed in the "Pointy Hat Theory" that it /might actually be true/.

(3) The Bursar twitches, permanently. This is a direct result of Ridcully's constant yelling and frequent dried frog pill overdoses. That he was /not/ twitching was a warning sign on a par with little yellow birds falling off perches in miles deep holes in the earth and indicated that it was time to get horribly drunk and borrow large amounts of money.

 'What's she doing now?' a voice hissed.

The Senior Wrangler, cursing, slowly and carefully looked around the makeshift barricade. The scene of devastation could have belonged to any battlefield, complete with students lying around groaning. The object of attention, however, was pacing back and forth, muttering. The cause of the Senior Wizards of Discworld hiding behind an over-turned dinner table suddenly stopped and swivelled.

 'She's looking straight at me!' the Senior Wrangler squeaked.

 'Try a fireball,' the Dean prompted.

 'Are you crazy?' the Chair of Indefinite Studies hissed. 'She set the Bursar on fire last time.'

 'But the Bursar isn't here,' the Dean pointed out in typical Wizard fashion.

But the Senior Wrangler could only stare in terrified amazement as the woman strode towards him with a bright smile, magically setting the room back to order as she went.

 'I do apologize gentlemen,' she said when she reached the table behind which the senior staff were huddling. The wizards hurriedly scrambled to their feet and brushed off their robes, putting on stern expressions in the hope that she didn't notice the how badly their knees were knocking. 'I am so sorry about my behaviour, I can't believe how badly I acted, especially around gentlemen of your stature,' she continued, politely waiting until they were clear of the table before she righted it again. The Senior Wrangler gaped at the ease with which she spun a ten foot long five foot wide mahogany table back onto its stout legs and a headache started in sympathy. (4)

 'I should hope so young lady,' the Dean snapped. 'That was highly irresponsible behaviour and a complete waste of magic.'

 'Not to mention disrupting,' the Lecturer in Recent Runes added.

 'Didn't even get to try the treacle pudding,' the Chair of Indefinite Studies moaned.

 'Well young lady, what have you got to say for yourself?' the Dean asked. The young lady in question seemed to falter in the face of this righteous anger and ducked her head, tucking strands of hair behind one ear as she did so.

 'I am so sorry good sirs,' she began. 'And I'm afraid that I have no real excuse for my behaviour, I suppose that I can only tell you the circumstances which lead to my arriving in your midst.' She looked across to where the sun was shining in one of the windows and sighed, as one man the wizards zeroed in on the low cut of her dress. 'My presence here was not my intention,' she said looking back to the senior staff whose eyes guiltily snapped back to her face. 'I was sent here by one who I thought was a friend,' she shrugged and the wizards' eyeballs nearly creaked in the effort to stay on her face. 'I guess I should be more careful about who I trust huh?'

 'Well trusting people is no crime,' Runes said. She smiled at him, making him go bright red.

 'Well if you were sent here against your will,' Chair put in hurriedly. 'Then the disruption was hardly your fault.'

 'You are very kind to say so,' the girl smiled.

 'Yes but you did cause a lot of damage,' the Dean argued, feeling the tide of opinion beginning to flow against him. 'What with fireballs and whatnot.'

 'Our students did fire first Dean,' Runes reminded him.

 'She was merely defending herself,' Chair added.

 'You call that defending herself?' the Dean cried. 'She annihilated the students, set the Bursar on fire and she's not even scorched.' The wizards took this opportunity to look her up and down, who was bent down tying her shoes at this point.

 'Good defending,' muttered the Chair.

 'Well, I guess,' the Dean grudgingly admitted. 'But still, she's a danger.'

 'To whom?' Runes asked. 'Us?'

 'Well…'

 'And if the students spent more time studying their defensive spells and less time out on the town,' Runes continued, playing the one card he knew would work. 'They would have been able to defend themselves as well.'

 'I suppose…'

 'Um gentlemen?' they heard the girl say and turned to look at her. 'I thank you for your understanding, but I wonder could I ask you a few questions?'

 'Ask away dear lady,' the Chair said gallantly, cutting straight across the Dean.

 'Where am I?'

 'Unseen University.'

 'And that would be where?'

 'Ankh-Morpork, can't you tell? She could, by the way her nose had completely broke down within seconds of arrival but wanted to be sure.

 'Thank you. I've never been here before you see and I wasn't sure where I was. I wonder could I ask one more question.'

 'Of course.'

 'Where would be a good place to stay for a few days?'

 'Well there's,' the Dean managed to say before Runes clapped a hand across his mouth.

 'Excuse us for a moment,' he said brightly. The senior wizards went into a huddle from which the girl could hear the whispered conversation.

 'What are you talking about?

 'We can't let her go off into the city alone'

 'Duty and so forth'

 'What would people think?'

 'Screw the people!'

 'Look lads either she stays here and is kept safe or she leaves and gods only knows hat happens to her.'

 'I'm more worried about what happens to the people around her.'

 'Then isn't it better that we keep an eye on her since we can deal with it?'

 'Can we?'

 'We're not students Dean.'

 'Yes but how do we know that she isn't from the Dungeon Dimensions?'

 'Since when do Things look like /that/?' The huddle opened briefly so that all the wizards could look the intruder up and down very carefully, just in case. She gave them a hopeful, puzzled smile. The huddle closed again and the argument seemed over.

 'Cant let her wander off in a strange city.'

 'Exactly, you heard her she's never been here before.'

 'I actually meant that Ankh-Morpork was strange but that's also true.'

 'But what would people /think/?' the Dean wailed.

 'What would you rather they think Dean? That we take throw defenceless…'

 'Defenceless!'

 '/Defenceless/ young women out on the streets or that we look after people who ask us for help?' There was a pause.

 'Well…' Another pause. 'But where would she sleep?'

 'If she needs a bed I can always sleep on the couch in my room,' Chair offered.

 'Mrs Whitlow can arrange something I'm sure,' Runes said hurriedly, stamping on Chairs foot. 'She'll make sure there's no trouble.'

 'Alright but how will she earn her keep?' In the silence, Runes tread on Chairs foot again.

 'How about teaching the students defensive skills?' the Senior Wrangler said slowly, up to know he'd been silent, mostly watching the young woman who keep shooting small smiles his way. The rest of the wizards perked up.

 'Yes she does seem to be able for it.'

 'But is she able for teaching?'

 'Would /you/ rather do it Dean?' Pause. The wizards looked at each other. The huddle opened.

 'You'll stay here in the University during your stay here,' the Dean told the young woman who seemed taken aback.

 'But, but I can't.'

 'Why not?'

 'It'd be too much trouble for you.'

 'Nonsense, this place is more than big enough for one more.'

 'But how will I pay you back.'

 'Teaching students how to defend yourself as you did.'

 'But, but, what will people say?'

 'Mrs. Whitlow will arrange all the, arrangements and that will be that.' The wizards exchanged grins behind the Dean. The girl seemed gobsmacked by the Deans bulldozer approach. 

 'Well if you're sure.'

 'We're positive my dear, we want you to stay,' the Chair told her, smiling in what he thought was a kindly way.

 'Well, okay then,' the wizards practically high-fived. 'But what are your names?'

 'Dean,' said the Dean.

 'Chair in Indefinite studies, call me Chair.'

 'Lecturer in Recent Runes, or just Runes.'

 'Senior Wrangler, known as Wrangler.'

 'And your name would be?' the Dean asked politely.

 'Aisling O' Connell.'

 'Well Aisling,' Runes said. 'Welcome to the Unseen University.'

 'Thank you, Runes,' Aisling smiled. Damn I'm good         

(4) On Discworld, levitation and whatnot are regulated by cause and effect and any wizard wanting to levitate a glass had better be properly prepared for the task or else properly prepared for stepping on his own brains which were just flipped out his ears. The flipping of a wizardly dining table was more than enough to explode the woman's head and rid the wizards of the trouble altogether. That only the Senior Wrangler noticed this is an indication of the blindness of the senior staff to anything that they don't want to see, this could possibly be a survival trait. (5)

(5) Not in this case, but you can't get it right every time. 

Ponder Stibbons stuck out an arm which was promptly run into by the Archchancellor. 'Wait a minute sir,' Ponder said. 'Its gone quiet.' And he was immediately proved wrong by a burst of laughter which came from the Great Hall. Ridcully frowned and to Ponders amazement, prepared a small fireball.

 'I don't trust laughter,' the Archchancellor said in response to Ponders puzzled look. 'You know where you stand with screams but laughter could mean anything.' Quietly, the two men crept down the stairs and stood just outside the doors to the Great Hall. 'On the count of three,' Ridcully whispered. 'One, two…' The Bursar wandered down the stairs, opened the doors and went straight into the Great Hall. Ponder and Ridcully waited for something to happen. And waited. And waited.

 'Bugger this,' Ridcully said at last. He threw open the doors and strode in. Ponder sidled after him.

 'What in the hells going on in here?' Ridcully demanded when he stopped at the table at which the senior staff and some of the older students were entertaining Aisling.

 'We're just welcoming Miss O' Connell to the University,' the Dean told him.

 'Really?' Ridcully said. 'That's fantastic, why didn't you say before? Just one thing Dean, who the hell is Miss O'Connell!'

 'Er, that would be me sir,' Aisling said, standing. Ridcully turned and looked at her.

 'And what are you doing here?' he asked, controlling his temper with an effort.

 'She's just,' the Dean began, to his detriment.

 '/Was I asking you Dean? I was not asking you Dean I was asking Miss O' Connell so let her speak for herself!/'

 'Aisling,' Aisling said when Ridcully had sufficiently cowed the Dean. Sugar and sighs had won over the other wizards but she could see that the Archchancellor was another matter altogether.

 'What?' Ridcully snapped before he could stop himself.

 'My name is Aisling.' Ridcully eyed her and she eyed him back.

 'Alright then, Aisling,' he said at last. 'What are you doing here?'

 'A former friend sent me here against my wishes, when I arrived I caused some trouble which these gentlemen,' she sent a dazzling smile in the direction of the rest of the wizards, some of whom even smiled back before wiping them off in response to the Archchancellors glare. 'Have been kind enough to forgive. They offered me a room here as I have never been in this city before in return for coaching some of the student in defensive spells.'

 'They have, have they?' Ridcully's look passed over the assembled wizards who ducked as if it were a physical thing.

 'That this offer was under the condition of your approval was stressed to me several times,' Aisling continued guilelessly.

 'Was it now?' Ridcully said, not believing it for a moment. There was silence for several moments while Ridcully thought it over. 'Have you spoken to Mrs. Whitlow?' he asked after a while.

 'Yes sir,' said the Dean. 'She said that it was alright by her as long as it was alright by you.'

 'Hmm.' Ridcully looked Aisling up and down. 'Do you hunt?' he asked her.

 'Yes but only if its worth it,' she lied.

 'Fish?'

 'Yes.'

 'Play pool?' Aisling smiled and nodded. 'Good. Alright you're in, now budge over and pass the treacle pudding.'

Yes Aisling is my own original character, no Beth Im afraid, but I'll try and make up for it. I know it's a slow chapter but review and I'll do my damnedest to get it up to speed.

Till next time!