Matchmaking
author: Melby7777
Summary: Deidara is fed up with Hidan and Kakuzu fighting all the time, and has gotten an idea to end all the fights.
Disclaimer: Akatsuki is owned by Masashi Kishimoto.
Note: For Hunter-chan on DA.

Deidara sighed and glared at the ceiling of the room he shared with Sasori. The room just above was Kakuzu and Hidan's, and the screaming coming from above was more than enough to keep the blonde awake. Turning to his side, the bomber snuggled into his danna's arms and groaned as another smashing sound resonated from the room above.

"What could they be fighting about at this hour, un?!" Deidara demanded, sitting upright and pulling at his hair. Sasori sat up with him and yawned.

"I have no idea…" The red head muttered as he rubbed at his eyes. "They should be through with it in…" He turned to look at the clock. "An hour… unless Hidan accuses Kakuzu of something again…"

Deidara groaned and fell back defeated onto the bed. "It's two in the morning and I need sleep!" He turned his head to glare at the puppet. "At least you don't really need to sleep, un…"

Sasori hummed and nodded. "But I am tired too. I want sleep almost as much as you do…" He looked back at his blonde and chuckled. "Too bad they don't have something to distract them from getting pissed off all the time."

"What do you mean…?" Deidara murmured sleepily, inquiry all over his face.

"Well, whenever you get mad at me, I just kiss you; or if I'm stressed I just hold onto you and tell you not to talk for a few minutes so I can play with your hair in silence." Sasori answered, glaring at the ceiling as the thump of someone's body hit the floor. "You know, stuff like that."

Deidara hm'ed at this and looked at the ceiling as another thump was heard. Suddenly, an idea hit him and he sat bolt upright. "Sasori-danna… I have an idea, un…"

Sasori stared at the terrorist in confusion. "What is it?"

"We need to get Hidan and Kakuzu to be together!" Deidara exclaimed happily.

The redhead didn't seem to understand. "Uh… they're already partners, Dei…"

Deidara clicked his tongue and shook his head. "No, I mean together! Like us, un!"

Sasori nodded a little, understanding what his blonde meant. He sighed and shook his head a minute later. "It wouldn't work; they hate each other."

"You hated me when we met…" Deidara muttered as he climbed out of the bed.

"True…" Sasori murmured before watching his partner head to the door. "Hey, where are you going?"

Deidara turned to look at the puppet master with a grin. "I'm going to go see if Konan's still up! She loves matchmaking, un!" With that, the bomber opened the door and slammed it shut behind him.

Sasori sat in the bed for a minute before he sighed. "Three… two… one…"

Deidara came back a second later, blushing furiously. "Uh…"

"Get some clothes on first, Deidara…"

"Right danna, un…"

After a quick dressing and a long walk across the base, Deidara finally made it to Konan and Pein's room. Glancing around, the blonde checked to make sure no one was watching before knocking lightly on the wooden door. Seconds later it opened swiftly before a hand reached out and grabbed him, pulling him inside.

"Hey, un!" He yelped before being pushed onto the bed.

A scoff came from beside him, Deidara frantically looking over to see who it was. "I suppose you're also here on the matter of Hidan and Kakuzu…"

Deidara humphed and crossed his arms. "Shut up, Itachi…" The Uchiha simply smirked and looked back at the blue haired woman before them. Konan looked around out in the hall before coming back inside and closing the door. "I guess you two already made a plan, hm?"

Konan nodded, looking over at Itachi. "Those two keep Kisame and me up all night…" The weasel muttered, his eyes narrowing.

"Along with Pein and I, even though we sleep on the other side of the base!" Konan complained, throwing her arms into the air. "It's unbearable."

Deidara smiled and nodded. "Which is why we're going to hook them up?" His two companions nodded at this. "Sweet; so what's the plan, un?"

Konan bit her bottom lip, Itachi huffing at this. "We can't do anything."

The bomber was taken aback by this. "Why not?"

"Pein told me to leave them alone." Konan answered simply.

"And I have a mission with Kisame tomorrow in wind country." Itachi continued, crossing his own arms in annoyance.

Deidara sighed and shook his head. "I guess I have to do everything on my own, huh?" The other two nodded, making the blonde groan. "Great, un…"

The blonde huffed for the umpteenth time since he'd been rudely awoken that morning at two. "So… let me see…" He muttered to himself, looking between the paper in his hand and the stuff sprawled on the bed. "Short dress…" He read off, looking at the black and white short, short, short dress. "Check, un… uh… handcuffs…" He looked back at the bed, his blue eye searching for the cuffs. "Check!" He cheered upon finding them. He snickered and looked away from the bed, trying to hold back his laughter. Tossing the check list over his shoulder, Deidara smiled at the albino tied in a chair. "And Hidan… check."

The Jashinist glared at the blonde terrorist, scorch marks adorning his upper body and a gag in his mouth. A low growl was heard, followed by muffled curses. Deidara chuckled again.

"This is for your own good Hidan…" He said, picking up the dress and a metal bat on the floor before heading over to the masochist. "Now either hold still, or say goodnight…"

Hidan's eyes widened at this before he started to frantically try to get out of the rope tying him to the chair. Deidara smiled before lifting the bat and swinging it down, successfully knocking the albino out.

"What the hell…?" A low voice muttered, breaking through the black surrounding Hidan's vision. He groaned, prepared to reach up and grab at his throbbing head. "Hidan, what is this…?" The voice came again, just as the albino tried to move his hand. "Why are you handcuffed to the bed? And… in… uh…" The deep voice couldn't seem to continue, and Hidan slowly opened his eyes.

"Ugh… my head…" He muttered, groaning before looking around. Kakuzu stood beside the bed, Christmas colored eyes wide and tan face red. "What the fuck are you staring at? Undo the handcuffs, fuck face!" He growled, before something registered in his mind.

Kakuzu wasn't staring at Hidan's face, but rather… Hidan's eyes followed the miser's gaze before he screamed.

"WHAT THE FUCK AM I WEARING?!" He yelled, staring down at the tiny black and white dress.

"Looks like a really short dress… but, it looks too short to be called a dress…" Kakuzu answered sarcastically, though he couldn't seem to look away. Hidan's face flushed as he looked back at the miser.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"UNDO THE HANDCUFFS!" Hidan howled, a vein popping in his forehead.

Kakuzu continued to stare down at the smaller man before a smirk played over his lips. He chuckled, dropping the briefcase onto the floor before reaching up and unbuttoning his cloak. "No… I don't think I want to…"

Hidan watched his partner in confusion before two and two could be put together. His eyes widened when Kakuzu's cloak fell to the floor and he figured out what was going on. "Ka-Kakuzu…?"

"Yes, Hidan…?"

"You're not thinking of…?" Hidan gulped, watching the miser undo his pants.

"And if I am…?" Kakuzu inquired, letting his pants hit the floor.

Hidan gaped at the banker. "Uh…"

Kakuzu laughed as he climbed onto the masochist. "Just shut up for once, Hidan…"

Sasori stared at the ceiling, gaping in silence. Deidara grinned at him as it was just that. Silent. Absolutely silent. No sounds, no screams, no crashes. Just…

"Silence…" Sasori murmured before looking over at Deidara. "How did you…?"

"I've seen the way Kakuzu looks at Hidan sometimes; why do you think I decided to get them to date, un?" Deidara replied, moving to close the distance between them.

The redhead chuckled and returned the kiss. "I got that part; but how?"

The bomber shrugged, smirking in return. "It was easy… I just knocked out Hidan and put him in a little dress before handcuffing him to the bed for Kakuzu when he got back…"

Sasori laughed and pulled the blonde into his arms. "Nice job, Dei…"

"Thanks danna, un…" Deidara replied before they fell back onto the bed. Silence consumed them; the ever sweet silence they wanted. Their eyes fluttered closed, each sighing in content.

"JASHIN-DAMNIT, HARDER!" A scream from the room above came, making the two artists eyes open wide. More curses followed the scream as they sat up, staring at the ceiling. The sound of a bed thumping into the floor came, along with tiny bits of the ceiling falling down on them in dust clouds.

Sasori twitched, slowly looking at the blonde as the screamed continued. "Deidara…"

The terrorist smiled a little, looking back at the puppeteer. "Yes, un…?"

"Never ever get people like Kakuzu and Hidan to date…"

"Sorry, danna…"