Sasuke's List
Reminder Things I Would Never Do and Some I Never Should Have Done and Others I will Never Do Again.
1. Enter the Idiot's room.
Have you Seen his room? The Idiot is a SLOB. And 'I'm busy, i had a lot of missions' doesn't exactly cover the stains on the bedcovers. They were there since last years valetines day for god's sake.
2. Meet Orochimaru's snake up close and personal.
The slimy animals are what adult's nightmares are made of.
3. Piss of Tsunade-sama
Maybe Naruto can get away with it. Maybe Jiraiya can too. But the rest of us with some small measure of intelligence would never want to piss off Tsunade-sama.
4. Eat in front of chouji when starving.
I'm not stupid. I will not survive. Nobody will survive if they get between chouji and good food.
5. Kiss Naruto in front of Hinata.
Hinata attacked both of us before fainting. And then she would not look at us without blushing, like what? SHe expected to see me and naruto making out at every moment possible?
6. Spend the day with Lee and Gai
Not even under extreme pain will i submit myself to this torture. They wear spandex! They...they...ugh, no.
7. Mess with Shikamaru when he just fought with Neji.
This leads to painful death or painful one-month-hospitalization injuries.
8. Steal Kankuro's puppets.
He's try to skin me alive and then embalm me in preparation for puppet life. Not that he could succeed, but he will try and that would be so annoying.
9. Dance naked.
Never gonna happen, not even in dreams. And Naruto, strip tease is the same as dancing so, NO.
10. Take off Kakashi's mask.
While i was curious (foolish) when younger i am older now and not under any impression that Kakashi would spare me if i indeed manage to take off his mask. BEsides, i have the feeling that Iruka would get me before Kakashi even knows what hit him.
11. Go inside Sakura's head.
I know she hides her feelings, she can't possibly be That calm when we were younger. I do not want to meet Inner Sakura.
12. Go inside Ino's head.
Same reason as above.
13. Mess with Kurenai's child.
That would bring all of the village ninjas on my head.
14. Take Naruto's wallet.
He's more possesive of the wallet than of me. I'm serious. NOT that he wouldn't choose me over the wallet but if I take his wallet i'd probably end up without sex for months. NOT a good thing.
15. Cheat on the Idiot.
Nobody will survive, which will also happen to him if he cheats on me.
16. Let him go on missions alone
He will never finish it because he will get distracted and he will end up bringing some other stray (Dog, cat, animals or Humans) in the village.
17. Go to the compound alone.
There are too many bad memories there. I'm NOT saying that Itachi was a bad memory, but most of the ninjas who used to be there were not who they seemed. If i go there alone I'd end up very depressed. That's why always have the Idiot with me.
18. Kiss Temari
I had to run fast because i had Gaara and Naruto wanting to kill me. YEs, i can hold my own against Gaara but Naruto...well, not when the work together.
19. Talk to Sai
I refuse to converse with a ninja whose mouth is worse than mine. Yes, i'm an asshole. But i never told Sakura she's a bitch. Thought about it, yes, but never said it in her face.
20. Give Naruto money
He buys the most uselss things ever made. "Because the poor woman who sold it has no money Sasuke. I felt sorry for her!" is not reason enough to buy ten volumes of icha icha novels!
21. Go with Orochimaru
Wrong decision. Never again. I missed Naruto terribly, not that i will tell him. He makes a very smug look when i vaguely mention it.
22. Ask Naruto who his crush is.
Now i have to be all paranoid and jealous everytime i see the Moron and Gaara together. Never should have asked.
23. Let the Moron sleep in my bed.
He hogs the blanket! How can i sleep without the blankets? And he spreads out -SPREADS OUT- without any consideration of the person sleeping beside him. MOst often than not i end up sleeping on the floor. And then they have the guts to laugh at me when i walk funny the next day because my bones fuckin' froze. Stupid Idiots.
24. Let him read romance books.
Icha icha is fine because when he tests it out on me its not like he's declaring his undying love where everyone can hear. Romance books is another matter. It is officially banned from his and my prescence after he shouted one of the quotes at me when i was being healed. I believe it went something like "Even if it takes a thousand years i'll wait for the time when you'll be back". For god's sake i wasn't even DYING. i just broke my arm. FRACTURE. did someone ever die of a broken arm? NO? yeah. It was humiliating. And he won't understand why i'm angry. That stupid speech would have been fine if he said it while i was bleeding to death with Kisame's huge sword sticking out of me, not when i have a Broken Arm. Jesus.
25. Let Hinata near the moron.
She seduced Naruto. If Neji didn't stop me i would have killed her.
26. Stop calling him Moron.
He was actually bothered when i stopped. HE asked me if smething was wrong with me or if someone hurt me. Well, i though of playing nice for a bit but i he doesn't want that who am i to deny him the pleasure of being called a Moron and an Idiot and Stupid? its evolving into an endearment anyway.
27. Play Tag with him.
Never after the first time we played. Who the hell plays tag using a thousand of clones. If i hear one more kage-bunshin no jutsu when we play tag, i'll kill you Moron. Same with hide-and-seek.
28. Let Naruto take care of the food during missions and trainings.
Take care of the food, yeah. If I want to eat i'd have to disect him. stupid glutton.
29. Tell anyone 'Anything you like'
Not gonna happen. I shudder to think what they might order me to do.
30. forget to knock before entering.
At least not after i accidentally walked in on Shino and Kiba. God, it was scary. Shino's bugs, yeah. And, yeah. How could he breathe? The bugs were playing. God, it was traumatic. And they were acting like its normal. Normal? Good god. The bugs were treating Kibe's body like its their hive. God.
31. Anger Iruka
Not with his Psycho possesive boyfriend-lover and his loving 'lovable' students. And Naruto. The moron would probably cheer when i get tortured.
32. Wash the pig.
Not even Tsunade's Anger can make me wash that pig. I swear it hates me. It always glares at me with its little black piggy eyes. The Moron says i'm exaggerating. i'm not. The moron exaggerates but not me. I state simple facts. like the fact that that pig hates me.
33. Let the Moron buy our weekly food.
We'll only eat ramen. no thanks.
34. Let any mission-fresh ninja in my room.
Never. Bloodstains are hard to remove, thank you very much.
35. Fuck in the shower
'Danger slippery when wet' is a sign Naruto would never understand, after the 3rd time of banging his head on the floor.
36. Take him out on a date
Never in Konoha. The kunoichis are yaoi fangirls!
37. Talk about Itachi
what's done is done
38. Hurt a defenseless female
Which is why I will attack Hinata if she lays a hand on Naruto.
39. Hurt Naruto.
I don't want to hurt the idiot ever again. Thinking back on the things i did when i was young seemed idiotic.
40. Prioritize my clan
i don't care about them. they're dead. I'm alive, i can do whatever i want.
41. Forget Naruto's birthday
He was smiling. Really. He was still smiling but i swear on the Hokage's grave that i heard him cry. I never felt as guilty as i did right then. I had to do some really -i-don't-want-to-do- shit just to make him smile. Which incuded washing the damn pig. I'm never going to forget another birthday.
-TBC-
I'm aiming for a hundred. Sasuke's psyche is hard to dive in to and remain non-dark.