So I've had this idea for a while, and originally it was going to be a multi chaptered fic, but I've got too many other projects going on. If this gets enough reviews or I get enough positive feedback I might turn it into a full blown story. Anyways, Kurt's character always intrigued me and when the episode where Kurt tries to be straight with Britney came out, I was like that's a good storyline.
So this is my version of Kurt trying to work out whether he's gay or not, or even if there's a label when it comes to love. What is love defined by? Do people fall in love with a person or their gender? Interesting questions! Please review and let me know.
Disclaimer: I own nothing
"You don't understand," you say to him, "this role is my life, was my life" you continue bitterly. And it's true, the role of Tony was so much more than just getting the standing ovation, it meant you could go outside of your box, outside of people's limited expectation of you, that you could play the guy every girl swooned over.
"Then help me, explain it to me" he says in return, his eyes pleading with you.
But it doesn't matter anymore, he's got the part and that's just the way it is. And it's not as if he doesn't deserve it, he was absolutely amazing in his audition and you know you should be proud, and you are, but you can't ignore the voices in your head whispering how undeserving you are, how you'll never be good enough.
For the first time you see being gay as a problem. If you were more masculine you would've landed that role in a heartbeat. And while you know Blaine loves you, you find you're not sure where you belong. You've always connected better with the girls, but you're a guy, a guy with feminine qualities. You love fashion, a flashy entrance, a diva-esque personality.
And you find you're ashamed of your sexual orientation for the first time.
While you know it's not Blaine's fault for being so indescribably talented and amazing, you can't help but feel that sting of jealousy.
"You are everything I'm not," you begin softly. "Talented, brilliant-
"Hey," he interrupts cupping your face. "Don't say that like it's one-sided, you're the most talented person I know," he finishes.
And now the sting of jealousy quickly turns to guilt, because you know he thinks the world of you, and you're an incredibly selfish person.
"No one questions your masculinity," you say softly but firmly while looking in his eyes before gently removing his hands. "You have all the girls and guys falling at your feet, which for a role means," you continue before schooling your features. "It means your versatile, the perfect candidate because you play any role, masculine or gay. I could never do that, because you have something about you I'll never have." You finish before finally stepping back.
You really can't believe you're about to do this, but these auditions have shown you Blaine in that moment was not your sweet boyfriend. He was competition, your competition and he beat you. And you wonder will it always be like this, the two of you constantly going after those leading roles and always competing with each other.
"I love you," you say and by the way his eyes turn alarmed you know he realizes something's off.
Suddenly he launches himself at you grasping either side of your face and kissing you hard. His mouth is soft, his arms strong and you feel safe. He was always the one to make you feel safe, and his kiss is so perfect. But that's the problem, you could never take the lead in this relationship and finally you are considering the fact you may not be satisfied with the person you are.
"Don't do this," he whispers in your mouth, his hands tangled in your hair. "God, please don't do what I think you're about to do," he continues pleadingly.
And this pain explodes in your chest, because you don't want to, but you know his pleadings won't make any difference.
You have to do this.
You need to get some perspective.
"I'm sorry," you say before kissing him hard and disentangling yourself from him. "But I can't do this anymore, I just can't" you finish before running out of the room.
You swear you feel your heart rip in two, because the other half you left with him.
"Kurt!"
You ignore his voice, his calling as he screams your name over and over again. And maybe you keep pretending you never heard it, you might actually forget that heart wrenching sound, his broken and needy voice, and the way sobs tore through your chest.
Maybe.
…
You try to ignore all the stares in Glee club, the whispering; people thought it was Blaine and you against the world. The sudden news of your breakup caused quite a scandal of sorts. You hate the glares Mercedes and Rachel send your way, all the accusations people give you, people who nothing of the real reasons of your breakup.
"You're being selfish," Rachel says.
"Seriously, just how superficial can you get? It's just a stupid role, you're gonna let that determine your relationship?" Mercedes says.
How quaint, truly so. The hypocrisy is absolutely astounding.
"Oh just how like yours didn't determine your friendships with Rachel?" You quip back.
She just stands there mouth agape with a silent Rachel.
Of course that doesn't last long.
"Mercedes and I have longed worked out our friendship thank-you" Rachel says quickly. "And that's completely beside the point." She finishes with her head held high.
It's moments like this where all you want to do is shove a sock into her mouth.
"Well thank-you for that life changing confrontation, but if you don't mind I have homework," you say before walking past them and out the door.
Blaine catches the corner of your eye, and you ignore the jolt of pain in your chest as you look at his tired expression. Maybe they're right, maybe you are selfish, because you're the reason the exhaustion is deeply settled in his eyes.
But you continue your way and don't look at him long enough to warrant a conversation.
Soon you find weeks have gone by and the emptiness you created by leaving him is still everywhere you look. You find that those three words you said to him were not just words; they were real, because you're experiencing the other side of love.
Pain.
Pain and loneliness.
…
God, you can practically taste that caramel, heavenly coldness in your mouth right now. You haven't been to the Lima Bean in what seems like forever, actually since your breakup with Blaine which was three months ago. You didn't want to have to face his friends who you know hate your guts right now.
"Oh shit," the girl in front of you says while digging around in her purse.
Apparently her card didn't work and she had no cash on her. After a few more moments of her trying and failing with another card, you decide to intervene. Hey, the faster she pays the faster you get your frappucino and considering the heat outside, you really need one.
"It's fine I'll pay," you say. "Just add my order with hers," you finish and you don't even have to tell barista, he already knows what you want. It's always the same order.
She turns her head and you immediately take notice of her striking hazel eyes, they remind you of Blaine's. Her red hair falling in her face as she smiles brightly.
"Thank-you, you don't have to" she says.
But there's just something about her expression, her eyes, the way she smiles that make it difficult to decline.
"Don't worry bout it, really." You say in return as you both go towards the pickup bar.
Her short dress flows in an appealing manner and immediately you notice the designer.
"So, you're a Versace girl" you say with a smirk.
She looks at you astonished at first before breaking into a huge grin.
"You know my dress," she says more like a statement.
Your smirk broadens.
"Of course," you reply haughtily. "Kurt Hummel," you continue sticking out your hand. "And I'm gay, just to clarify. Though I imagine you probably already knew that."
She just laughs in response.
"Is that how you normally introduce yourself in conversation?" She asks jokingly.
Immediately you think of the Mercedes fiasco and slightly grimace.
"Well, just wanted to get it out in the open" you return. "And this is usually the part where you say your name." You say with a laugh.
"Cassie Emerson and I'm a girl," she continues before smirking. "Just to clarify, though I imagine you probably-
"Okay, ha-ha" you interject before picking up both your orders. "Hilarious," you finish as you follow her to a table.
"So," she begins before taking her drink and lightly sucking on the straw. "I haven't seen you in here before? You new?" She asks.
You can't help the snicker that escapes your mouth.
"I take that as a no then," she says.
"Yeah, I just haven't been around in a while." You say. "Rather nasty breakup, my ex tends to come here a lot with his friends," you finish trailing off not really sure you're telling her this.
She just leans back in her chair.
"Ah, breakups. What would our meaningless teenage lives be without them," she says with a bitter smile. "So if your ex comes here a lot why did you just decide to come today?" She continues.
Honestly I don't really know.
"I guess I just wanted some really good coffee and there's only a McDonalds back home," you begin and notice her immediate disgusted expression and you laugh in response.
"That's deplorable you know, that people actually believe that McDonalds could successfully replace excellent espresso," she says with a laugh.
"Yeah no kidding," you say. "Maybe I just don't want to live my life missing out because I might see my ex," you finish on a serious note.
She just looks at you for a moment.
"How long had you two been together?" She finally asked.
"Nearly a year, though we were goods friend long before that. He saved my life in a way," you finish looking off.
His face comes to mind and you can't help but feel slightly overwhelmed. Then you feel flesh against your hand and you quickly turn and realize she's rested her hand on top of your own.
"I get it, the void, the loneliness, the empty space where that person is supposed to be, where they belong," she finished softly.
And through her smile and bright eyes you find that familiar pain. But you did this to yourself, and you've no one to blame but yourself.
"He didn't leave me," you say breaking eye contact. "I left him."
You hear her shift and look back towards her and she's looking at you intently.
"I was confused, still confused, about myself, about everything really." You explain. "I just needed some kind of new perspective."
"Find out who you are," she finished for you.
And you nod at her and smile lightly.
"Yeah, find out who I am" you whisper.
She continues to look at you before suddenly taking your hand and standing up.
"Come on," she says with a smile.
"To where?" you say.
And then she looks at you with this expression, this brilliant care-free expression and stunning smile.
"Take a chance Kurt," she says before looking up and then back to you. "To just- be" she finishes.
And it's like time stands still and all you see is her and this radiant red hair bright hazel eyes. She's giving you the chance to feel again, to escape the world of this crushing misery and pain and to just be- happy.
So you do, you take her hand and run out the coffee shop.
She takes you past the parking lot and towards the back of a Holiday Inn. Immediately you notice the vacant pool area and you watch flabbergasted as she climbs over the gate with finesse and grace you see possible.
"What are you doing!" You whisper loudly and she just turns towards you and smirks.
"What does it look like I'm doing?"
"You do realize it's like nearly midnight don't you," You continue.
She just laughs as she pulls up her dress over her head and for some reason you feel the need to not look, respect of sorts.
"Oh come on, years from now don't you want to be able to say you climbed the gate?" She asked. "Life is a series of choices, our choices and the worst ones and the ones we choose not to do, all the things left undone," she continues. "And right now, my choice is to jump!" She says before falling into the pool.
Looking around cautiously because you know with your luck you'll get caught. But no one's here, nothing's here accept the night, a pool and girl you hardly know stripped to her underwear and swimming.
"Oh to hell with it," you grumble before climbing and jumping the gate.
Swiftly you pull your shirt over your head, unbutton your jeans and pull them off before jumping in right after her. The water is ice cold and chill bumps erupt over your skin. But as soon as you open your eyes she's right in front of you. Her body is a blue tint and her hair swirling around her, like an ethereal being. And even though you're gay, you cannot deny her beauty.
And the rest of the night is spent laughing, splashing and playing silly games like two children discovering the world for the very first time.
You find you're smiling and this pain, this weight is no longer pressing down on you. In this moment, this perfect moment you feel,
Free.
Suddenly a flashlight shines from afar and you both get real quiet.
"Hey! What are you two doing?"
"Oh shit," you whisper.
And you stare at her as she begins to giggle.
"Must be security," she says between giggles. "Let's make a run for it!" She says as she then swiftly gets out, picks up her dress and starts climbing the gate.
"HEY! Stop!" The guard yells.
"Come on! Hurry up!" She yells as you stumble over to the gate after grabbing your clothes.
Soon you're jumping the gate and you're both running and laughing till you hide in a darkened alleyway. Her chest is heaving and you firmly plant your hand over her mouth to quiet her down. Her body is nearly pressing into your own and after a moment you feel her fingers lightly touching your skin.
"You're so much more built than I first imagined," she whispers.
Somehow her words awakening something deep inside you, something that was long hidden away and you can't help but feel slightly turned on. Your fingers lightly move over on the exposed skin of her toned abs. But the notion is so foreign to you; you've only been attracted to men, to guys never to girls. But you quickly push down the arousing thoughts and blame it on insecurities, a broken heart and complete and utter exhaustion.
"Come on friend; let's get out of here before one of us gets raped." She says before throwing her dress back on.
You talk, laugh and exchange numbers when you get back to the parking lot.
"I have feeling we're going to be awesome friends. You know like Aboo and Aladdin," she says enthusiastically and you groan.
"Fine, as long as you're the annoying monkey," you say before getting in your car.
You hear her laughter as she walks to her own car and you can't help the smile on your face.
…
Three weeks since you've met Cassie and you find life has been enjoyable, filled with passion and a freedom you haven't experienced since your first meeting with Blaine. She just has this air about her, something magical that makes everything better when she's around, like morphine, the kind the makes you inexplicably happy and delirious.
"You're such a nerd," she begins as she throws her legs on top of yours on the couch.
"Yes, but a strikingly handsome nerd," you say with a smirk which you receive kick in the abs. "Ow!" you exclaim at her. "Careful, let's not create permanent damage on my flawless body." You say and she snorts.
"Oh yeah, you're a real Matt Damon" she mocks turning her attention back towards the Bourne Supremacy.
Immediately you pin her to the couch, her arms held slightly above her head.
"Take it back," you say in a mock angry voice.
She just smirks back at you.
"Take it back," you warn again to which she just stares defiantly at you.
"Okay, don't say I didn't warn you" you say before tickling her mercilessly.
She shrieks with laughter and lightly hits you trying to get you off her. But you just continue to tickle her sides despite her pleadings. Then you realize somehow her legs are either side you and they're nearly crossing over your lower back. You stop your tickling assault, the air changing drastically between you two. Her shirt has ridden up a little exposing her skin and her skirt is bunched slightly.
Chest heaving, shaky breaths she slowly moves her hand up to your face and caresses the corner of your mouth. Her gaze is nearly that of wonder. And to your own astonishment you find that you've become completely aroused, painfully so. For weeks you've been denying the spark between you two, denying how she makes you feel so free and yet so exposed at the same time.
"I'm only half a person," she says breathily, her voice hoarse. "I'm damaged and you can't fix me," she continues and the sadness in her voice nearly breaks your heart. "No one can." She finishes looking at you straight in the eye.
You don't know what to say, but you know you don't have too, because she knows you understand. She knows what you've walked through. So you respond the only way you know how to.
You kiss her.
Hard.
And this isn't a soft and sweet filled kiss, it's a needy one. Her lips move roughly back and she bites your lower lip nearly enough to draw blood. Opening your mouth, your tongues meet and the intensity ignites tenfold and you find her hands grabbing your shirt and trying to push it up. You help and throw it off. Soon her shirt comes off next and your mouth moves to her neck, down to her collarbone and lightly nipping, licking and kissing her skin down to her stomach before coming back to her mouth.
And it's all skin on skin.
Fire and heat everywhere and this need, this void that needs to be filled.
And for the first time you truly lose your virginity to girl you've only known a few weeks, but a person who sees you for you, a human being.
The experience is unlike anything you thought it would be.
But everything now is royally fucked up and blurred. You are gay, you like guys. But the way she puts that cigarette in her mouth, the smoke blowing out between her puckered, chapped lips is so, well just hot. She's unlike any girl or person you know.
You lay with her on the couch for a while, unsure of what to do now.
"I'm gay," you say plainly. "I'm gay and I just had sex with a girl." You finish.
She plays with her lighter, as if not alarmed by your statement.
"So? You're gay, what's the big deal?" She asks and she flickers it on and off.
"Because I only like guys, I'm only supposed to be attracted to and love the male sex," you say exasperatedly.
After a moment she climbs on top of you and looks down at your face, her hands pressing against your chest.
"Kurt, love has no gender" she says quietly. "Love is just" she says before looking away. "Love."
And you don't say anything because you're starting to believe she may be right.
All your life people told you that you were gay, and you just grew up believing it, that it was the only explanation for the more feminine side of you, the attraction to masculinity. But you can't help but wonder if you're gay because you just are, or because people always told you that you were.
And what if you're not?
…
"I never knew you could sing," she says after watching you play the piano and sing Coldplay's Fix You.
She looks rather stunned actually, and you like how she so affected and you find it funny that you've known her now for two months and she never even knew. Slowly she gets up and walks towards the center of the room.
"I have a secret too," she says with a smile. "Can you play Christina Perry's The Lonely?" She asks while she takes her shoes off.
"Yeah, why? You sing too?" You ask and she just shakes her head.
"Just play it, don't sing" she replies.
And soon your fingers are moving across the keys but movement catches your eye. You realize she's dancing. And her body is moving in such a way that is with such precision and grace and yet a yearning. She's a dancer, and a damn good one. Everything she does is mesmerizing, absolutely breathtaking. You can't help but feel tightness in your chest at her interpretation. She truly is talented.
And her red hair is swirling around her, nearly in a way like that of the pool. She's amazing really but the truth comes full force in that moment. Despite her beauty and everything she is, you don't love her enough, it was never her.
It was always him.
…
"Kurt I just want to make sure you're not making this decision for the wrong reason," she says across the table at the Lima Bean.
"What do you mean?"
She looks away for a second and when her eyes lock with yours you know she's fallen for you somewhat. You'd be lying if you didn't say the same, but you only love her enough to hurt the both of you.
"This guy, he's the only boy you ever dated really. I mean, we go good together don't we?" She continued her gaze gut wrenching. "We are Kurt and Cassie."
And then your heart breaks, because she's right.
"Cassie, I do love you" you say firmly trying to say more but can't get the words out.
"But you love him more," she finishes for you.
And the silence is so loud. But you don't chase after her when she leaves, you let her go. Because this time of figuring yourself out is over. You don't really know what you are, but you know you're still very much in love with Blaine and suddenly the whole gay thing doesn't matter. Because being gay doesn't define who you are as a human being, it's the choices you make.
So you get up and take a deep breath.
It's time to face that which you ran away from.
…
"I love you," you say to him. "I've always loved you even when I didn't know it," you finish.
His gaze is direct and you know he's fighting with himself.
"Do you have any idea of what you've done to me?" Blaine states. "You left me Kurt," he continues strongly. "You left."
"I know," you say quietly. "And no amount of sorry will ever fix that, but I know what I want now," you say as you walk up to him getting very close, almost close enough to touch. "And what I want is you."
Looking into his eyes you see that he's on the verge of breaking.
"Please don't tell me it's too late," you say against his mouth.
Soon enough his mouth is slowly kissing yours and the void that has been eating you up on the inside is disappearing and leaving behind this fullness. And suddenly teeth are clashing and hands are roughly grabbing and world is falling beneath you as you both collapse on the bed.
And everything is right.
Everything feels right.
…
Two weeks later you've found yourself in complete bliss, completely happy again. Blaine's house is somewhere you don't normally go, but he wanted you to meet his family.
"So I have two siblings, a brother and a half-sister." He says as you walk into the house. "The sister goes to an all girl's school across Dalton, my brother is already graduated. Oh and she's with a girl, like she recently just got back with her ex." He says.
"Your sister's gay?" You say as you walk towards the dining hall.
"Yeah guess so, bout time though. She's a complete idiot, got scared bout loving a girl so she left her. But they're back together and she's really happy now," he continues.
And you smile because you like knowing his family will accept your relationship with their son. As you walk in you find two girls holding hands laughing quietly together and they both look deliriously happy, like the world could explode and it wouldn't matter.
And when she raises her head up she smiles lightly at you, knowingly.
"My sister, Cassie."
And though at first you're alarmed, shocked by her being his sister, you see the way she looks at the other girl with this love and devotion in her eyes and she's never looked at you in that way. You smile back, knowing all is right in the world.
So you take Blaine's hand and sit down at the table. The other girl is blonde and you realize, happily that Cassie found her happy ending, the other half her broken heart. And you really believe she deserves it. And maybe she was right about it, about all of it.
Love has no gender.
Love is just, love.
Fin.
so what did you think?