Joel isn't accustomed to consistent happiness, and it's got him totally crabby. Well, more like, I'm-happy-so-now-I-have-to-sabotage-my-happiness-to-prove-myself-right-so-I-don't-get-hurt.
Anyone ever get like that? No? Just me and Joel huh…guess we're equally screwed.
It was sick. It made him fucking sick.
The way his stomach leapt when she smiled, always bright and full of life. The way that her smell, oh God, that wonderful smell, seemed to linger on his skin even when she was nowhere near. The way that even the slightest thought of her made a smile tease at the corner of his lips…
He was always giddy, and always aroused, and why the hell did she make him feel seventeen years-old again?
It was a constant reminder of love and happiness. A barren soul suddenly thrived under her green thumb.
Fuck, he was so glad he'd gotten out of his own way and told her the truth about his feelings. Well, rather, he'd finally broken his code of detachment when she demanded more from him, because, quite frankly, they'd waited long enough to start being honest with themselves.
But, at this point, it was definitely starting to annoy him. No, it's not that the feeling wasn't great, hell, he'd never had it this bad in his life. It was just that he'd never expected the juvenile lovestruck symptoms at his age.
For fuck's sake, I've loved the damn girl for years, why is this happenin' now?
Was there no expiration date for this thing? It angered him, that all of a sudden, after all the emotional depth that had grown between them, that he'd still feel weak at the knees by her mere presence alone. That he'd still have his heart race, and his palms sweat, and be overwhelmed to the point of obsession. The man was losing sleep…couldn't even eat a meal the way he used to do.
In the beginning, he'd mistaken the symptoms as illness. In fact, he was almost certain that it was the beginning of the end. It was fitting, even. All these years of hardship, and then of course, once he found real happiness, death was sure to be on the horizon. The way his life had played out, it just seemed fucking fitting. He'd even gone to the doctor, who was equally confused as Joel for the dilemma.
"Joel, you're fine, buddy. I don't know what to tell ya. Have you had any extreme emotional developments lately? These symptoms could be psych related…" the doctor had led in, and Joel simply huffed.
"Emotional developments? Where you goin' with this, doc?" he deadpanned, totally unconvinced.
"The mind's a powerful thing. If you don't have any physical ailments or illness, which, you don't, then it's gotta be a mind thing," he stated, soft as he could.
Joel sat there like stone, unmoving.
"Just, take some time to think on it, okay?" he pressed.
"You mean…I ain't dyin'?" Joel urged, the gears in his head slowly turning.
"No, Joel, you aren't dying," the doctor finally responded, clearly annoyed by this point.
The weight of the diagnosis (or lack thereof) still fresh in his mind, Joel simply swallowed hard, nodded, and made his way back home to think everything over.
Unable to come to any conclusions 45 minutes in, he'd settled on taking a nap. He had tossed and turned for a moment, before forcing his eyes shut. These days, it was the only thing to give his mind some peace. Finally, to be one with himself again…and to not have to think about her…(yes, they lived together, but what about the 8 hours that she was away? Granted, it wasn't even 2 miles, but still).
And, right then and there, it fucking hit him.
You stupid son of a bitch. You fuckin' forgot what fallin' in…well…you know…felt like.
His eyes shot open in bed. Silently he reprimanded himself at his own aversion to the word. For someone who was so comfortable with the devotion and the weight of what it meant, especially in regard to her, it didn't quite make sense. Maybe because to think of…it…in the romantic way that most people cheapened it by, made him feel weak.
He'd never quite understood most of the definitions people gave about love. They either said way too much, or too little, and both lacked the profound feelings it evoked in his stomach. Then again, he'd never had a way with words, but still. The cliche aura that surrounded the term made it difficult for him to say out loud.
Once he'd realized it, and what she was doing to him, it completely soured his mood. No, he'd never been the most amiable of people, but the old Joel seemed like a force of charisma compared to what he'd become.
What was most troubling, was that it was only in her absence that he acted in this way. It was good, that he didn't take it out on her, but it was oddly unsettling to him that he depended on her for all his happiness. Then again, he hadn't known happiness until her, so it seemed appropriate that she hold that power.
Ah, the fuck am I tryin' to justify this shit to?
Ellie, on the other hand, was totally blind to what was going on. Blind, that is, until people started to complain to her about his behavior. At first, she'd just shrugged it off. It's not like anyone had ever really taken a liking to him anyway, especially here in town. But, something about him seemed more on edge than usual.
It wasn't until Tommy approached her with the issue that she realized it was an actual problem.
Upon that happening, she was inspired to dedicate herself to solving the issue. If anything, she was a little agitated that he hadn't told her something was wrong.
Considering Joel wasn't the kind of man to just have an open conversation, she decided to catch him off guard one day at the stables. She'd intentionally gotten all of her work done early to make it happen. She spotted him, the tense edge of his jaw evident even some yards away as he worked on the fence. No, he didn't look happy, but when did he ever?
"Come home early with me, old man. Let's play hooky!" she taunted, and his head shot up.
The wrinkles on his face almost faded away, and like a switch, the smile that spread across his face was killer. It never failed to give her butterflies.
"Play hooky? Ain't gonna sit well with everyone else, kid," he taunted back, though definitely in disagreement. The way he leaned into the fence, however, showed that he might be willing to give it up if she was convincing enough.
Somehow, the way he said 'kid' now had come to mean something more significant than before, like a special term of endearment that was acceptable to be said in public considering the age difference.
"Nope, really, I've got special permission," she admitted, and his brow furrowed.
"Special permission from who?" he snorted.
"None other than your little brother, the leader of this fine community," she led in.
"Now, don't let Maria hear you goin' on like that, them might be fightin' words for her," he disagreed, but had ducked under the wooden fence and was now swaggering toward her.
Fuck yeah, he took the bait.
Ah, the banter between them was the only flirtation she'd ever want. What a man.
"I can fight my own battles. Walk me home?" she trailed off suggestively. He offered her his arm, and raised an eyebrow.
"Gladly," he simply replied, and fought against the smile teasing at his lips.
As they walked, she talked mercilessly about the tiny details of her day, and he listened patiently as always. In fact, he'd become slightly more talkative than usual, and she actually got to listen in to a story or two. Simply put, Joel was changing, but the positive evolution never failed to fascinate her.
Once they were both done chatting, and were inside the house, she eyed him carefully.
"What…" he asked, almost like a warning, and the gravel of his voice made a shiver run down her spine.
"What do you mean? I'm just looking at you…yeesh," she scoffed. Joel's brow furrowed further, and he sat down on the couch.
"No, I know that look," he accused, and she groaned.
"Oh, do you? Whatever does that look mean, Joel?" she teased, though her feigned annoyance was a failed attempt to hide her efforts.
"It means you're bein' nosy, and your calculatin' somethin' in that head a yours…" he continued slowly.
"You seem a bit guilty…do you have something you want to talk about?" she threw the bait.
"Huh?!" his voice squeaked a bit.
"There have been a few people complaining about your mood, lately-"
"-what else is new?" he interrupts.
"No, no, don't get defensive. More than usual…and Tommy's one of them," she explained slowly.
"The fuck…? Ellie, I'm lost here," he blatantly admitted.
"Well, I'm just saying, if something's wrong, I'd hoped you'd tell me," she admitted, more vulnerable than she intended.
"Ellie, honey, nothing's wrong," he promised, with a slight laugh.
She had caught it, though, and immediately he stiffened.
"Was that…a nervous laugh?" she accused, now smiling.
"Are you a fuckin' detective now?" he deadpanned, now annoyed.
"No, I just, I know everything about you, and I've never known you to 1) get nervous and 2) giggle from it. Do you even giggle?" she expressed, and laugh heartily to herself.
"No, dammit, I don't," he disagreed.
"Sure as hell sounded like you did, but whatever," she said with a shrug and a laugh.
"Ellie, just-"
"-Oh, what, leave it alone? You don't get to do that now, remember?"
"C'mon now-"
"-No, Joel, that was the rule. We're equals."
"Ellie…"
"Joel…!"
"For fuck's sake, girl, nothin's wrong! I'm fuckin' happy, ain't never been this damn happy," he grumbled, obviously annoyed, though his words were definitely true.
"Then why are you so flustered?" she questioned, deeply confused.
"Cause' I don't…do well…with shit like this," he stumbled to explain, and gestured between them.
"Shit like what!?" she demanded, appalled.
"No, no, not you. Just…this…what I feel…I ain't good with it," he struggled still, before his eyes widened. "And you know this!"
"Yeah, I do, I'm just not sure why you've been so weird lately," she tried to understand.
"Obviously I ain't weird with you, I'm just weird without you. I don't…I don't know," he tried to continue, but stopped to sigh.
"Weird how?"
"Fuck, I get all overwhelmed with the good feelin's. I feel crazy as shit thinkin' about you all the damn time like a lovesick little boy when you ain't there," he said quickly.
She sat there, completely flattered.
"Really?" she asked, blush coloring her features.
"Oh hell, don't go blushin'…god damn," he shook his head to himself.
"Why?" she paused, suddenly confused again.
"You look…you look cute, I dunno. That's the problem!" he suddenly accused.
She busted out laughing.
"Is it…is it only when I'm not there?" she pressed further.
"Yeah, usually. I was havin' a hard time sleepin' for a while…and didn't have an appetite, but those were when you were around, and they went away," he said slowly, and shrugged.
"Joel, oh my god, I read about this in one of my magazines. Those are symptoms of falling in love!" she cackled, thrilled to see him at such odds about such a normal thing.
"Oh Christ, don't say shit like that…" he retorted.
"What, you don't love me?" she pressed.
"Now, you know what I meant-"
"-No, I don't. I'm gonna need you to clarify, please," she taunted, half serious, half kidding.
"This is real life, Ellie, people don't fall in love, they just…love," he said with a shrug, almost shocked he'd even said it.
"Joel, you make it sound much less interesting than it really is," she accused.
"No, it's special, and it's…beautiful, even. But, we live in the real world, not a damn magazine written for tweenyboppers."
"You saying you don't love me?"
"No, no, now we ain't gonna play that game," he grumbled.
"What game?!"
"The one where you try to get me to say somethin' you already know. We been over this, Ellie…"
"Is it a crime for me to want to hear you say it?"
"I've said it before, don't make me feel bad," he stammered.
"Then why do you shun it so much?"
"it just…makes me feel out of control. I can't…control it, at all, really," he tried to explain.
"Neither can I, and it's not like we asked for this, but you just gotta accept it and move on," she said, fully annoyed by this point.
He looked at her for a long time, and then, unexpectedly, grinned.
"I know, baby, I just…ain't felt this way since…" he thought long and hard about it.
"Since when?" she pressed, always curious to know about his life before.
He shrugged, and then a look of peace came across his face.
"Since…ever?"
"You say it like you aren't sure," she laughs slightly, but feels the weight of his words.
"Listen, I love you. I love the hell out of you, and I don't believe in that shit, but dammit it's your fault, and now you're forced to deal with me. Forever. Let's leave it at that…" he all but moaned.
I'm scarin' my damn self.
"That's one of the best things you've ever said to me…" she said, blushing again, and completely moved.
"You…um…" he lingered.
"What?" she asked, clearly blissed out.
"You didn't say it back," he simply mentioned.
"Joel, for what it's worth, I love the hell out of you too," she gleamed.
"Thank you…" he struggled, though clearly blissful as well.
"Good, now stop being an asshole to everyone because you haven't figured it out yet," she demanded, and kissed him promptly on the lips.